Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The arrival of February brought a biting, unforgiving cold to the Scottish Highlands, freezing the Great Lake solid and casting the castle in perpetual, frosty gloom.

For Orion Malfoy, however, the month marked the successful conclusion of a deeply satisfying, albeit unconventional, side project.

He stood near the entrance to the Great Hall, his hands tucked into the pockets of his silver-trimmed winter cloak. He watched the stream of students pouring in for breakfast. His gaze flicked over the sea of blue and bronze robes, finally landing on a small, dirty-blonde girl drifting toward the Ravenclaw table.

Luna Lovegood was wearing her own shoes. Her school robes were pristine, and her radish earrings bobbed cheerfully as she hummed a tune only she could hear.

Orion felt a quiet hum of satisfaction in his chest.

”Dobby is officially off Ravenclaw detail,” Orion murmured, pulling his gaze away. ”The Nargle infestation seems to have been permanently eradicated.”

”A solid victory,” Sparkle’s interface materialized, glowing a soft, approving blue. ”You performed a localized exorcism of bullies using nothing but their own stolen footwear and a stalker note. Flitwick is handling the cleanup, and Luna is safe. Side quest complete.”

Orion nodded, turning his attention to his own table and taking a seat next to Draco, who was already complaining about the temperature of the porridge.

”I have no idea what Flitwick actually did to them,” Orion thought back to Sparkle, pouring himself a cup of hot tea. ”And frankly, I don’t care. As long as she’s smiling and not freezing barefoot in the corridors, the operational parameters have been met. My conscience, such as it is, is clear.”

He took a sip of tea, his mind instantly shifting gears. The brief, humanitarian detour was over. The main narrative of his Second Year demanded his full attention.

His overall strategy for the year had been a resounding success. He had manipulated the timeline flawlessly. He had secured the Diary, effectively castrating baby Voldemort’s plot, and hoarded every available achievement opportunity along the way. The school was still tense, still whispering about the Heir of Slytherin, but the actual threat of the Basilisk was currently resting securely in his sub-space Inventory grid.

The stage was set. His spell practice in the abandoned classroom was complete. He had leveled up his Incendio, his Bombarda, and perfected the aesthetics of his Expelliarmus. He had the All-Speak to bypass any linguistic wards Salazar Slytherin might have left. He had a Scrying Glass to detect dark magic. He even had a Niffler, should he need to loot the Chamber.

He was ready to finish the Chapter.

But as he sat in the Great Hall, methodically planning his descent into the plumbing, the cold logic of the engineer reared its head, presenting two massive, undeniable roadblocks.

”I am missing critical hardware,” Orion muttered, setting his teacup down with a sharp clack.

Draco looked up, mid-bite. ”Missing what? Did you lose a book?”

”Just a thought, Draco. Eat your porridge,” Orion dismissed him, staring blankly at the High Table.

”What’s the problem?” Sparkle asked, her waveform spiking with curiosity. ”You have the spells. You have the Diary and you have the knowledge.”

”I don’t have the biological countermeasures,” Orion replied internally, his eyes narrowing as he analyzed his loadout. ”I am walking into a boss arena with a thousand-year-old, venomous, petrifying tank. I need tactical advantages, not just firepower.”

He ticked off the first glaring deficit.

”The Roosters,” Orion deduced. ”My visit to Hagrid last time confirmed it. The entire flock is dead. Strangled by Ginny Weasley while she was possessed.”

”So? You have explosive spells.”

”The crow of a rooster is fatal to a Basilisk,” Orion argued. ”It is the only known, absolute biological weakness the creature possesses. It is an instant-kill mechanic. Walking into that Chamber without a rooster is like walking into a vampire den without sunlight. It’s tactically unsound. And I doubt Hagrid has had the time, or the heart, to restock his coop.”

He sighed, tapping his fingers against the wooden table.

”The second roadblock is even more problematic,” Orion continued grimly. ”Phoenix tears.”

”Ah,” Sparkle hummed. ”The ultimate healing potion.”

”The only known antidote to Basilisk venom,” Orion corrected. ”If I miscalculate—if I slip on a wet tile, or if the snake is faster than I anticipate, and I get even a scratch from a fang—I am dead in minutes. My blood will boil.”

He glanced up at the High Table. Dumbledore was eating serenely, completely oblivious to the fact that his pet bird was currently the most valuable commodity in the castle.

”I cannot buy Phoenix tears,” Orion reasoned. ”They are exponentially rare. The black market supply is virtually non-existent, and the cost would drain even the Malfoy vaults, considering the amount I am planning. Fawkes is here, yes. But I am not Harry Potter. I do not have a profound, soul-deep connection to Gryffindor House, or to Dumbledore for that matter, that will magically summon a fiery bird to cry on my wounds at the exact moment of my death.”

He scowled, the sheer arrogance of relying on ’plot armor’ irritating him.

”I cannot count on Fawkes’s timely appearance,” Orion concluded firmly. ”I need the tears secured before I enter the pipe. I need them in a vial, in my pocket.”

He finished his breakfast in silence, the gears of his mind grinding out solutions. By the time the bell rang for the first period, he had half a plan.

Later that evening, Orion stood in the quiet solitude of his expanded trunk-study, the blue light of his Ring of the Midnight Reader illuminating the chalkboard where he had drafted his assault on the Chamber.

”Dobby,” Orion whispered into the cool air.

CRACK.

The house-elf appeared, vibrating with eager energy. ”Master Orion calls! Dobby is ready!”

”Dobby, I require your logistical expertise once again,” Orion said, turning from the chalkboard. ”I need you to go to the market. Not Knockturn Alley this time. A standard magical, or even semi-Muggle agricultural supplier.”

Dobby blinked, his large ears twitching. ”Agricultural, Master? Does Master Orion wish to plant a garden? Dobby is very good with dirt!”

”No gardening today, Dobby,” Orion smirked. ”I need livestock. Specifically, I need you to purchase at least four adult roosters. Healthy, loud ones. Perhaps throw in two hens as well, to keep them company.”

Dobby’s jaw dropped. ”Chickens? Master wants chickens in the trunk?”

”Gods, no,” Orion shuddered at the thought of the mess. ”I want you to have the cages delivered directly to Mr. Hagrid’s hut on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.”

Orion turned to his desk, picking up a quill and a plain piece of parchment. He wrote a quick, unsigned note in block letters.

To Hagrid,

A small gift to replace what was lost. I hope they bring some noise back to your mornings.

Best keep these ones hidden inside for now, until the castle is safe.

- A Friend.

Orion rolled the parchment and handed it to the bewildered elf.

”Attach this note to the cages,” Orion instructed. ”Do not let Hagrid see you. Just leave them on his doorstep. He loves creatures; he will take them in and care for them. And more importantly, he will keep them safe until I need to... borrow one.”

”Dobby will deliver the birds!” Dobby promised, tucking the note into his tea towel.

”Excellent. Go.”

CRACK.

Orion was alone again. One roadblock cleared. The avian artillery was en route.

But the second roadblock remained a glaring, fiery problem.

Orion sat down heavily in his leather chair, staring at the blank wall of the trunk.

”How do you get a Phoenix to cry on command?” Orion muttered, rubbing his temples.

”Onions?” Sparkle suggested unhelpfully. ”A really sad movie? Tell him Dumbledore is planning to dye his robes beige?”

”Phoenixes are highly empathetic creatures,” Orion mused, ignoring her. ”They weep for the pure of heart. They weep for genuine sorrow, or profound pain. I can’t just poke Fawkes in the eye and hold a bucket under his beak. He would incinerate me.”

He leaned back, staring at the ceiling.

”I need to elicit a genuine emotional response,” Orion calculated, his mind shifting through psychological tactics. ”I need a tragedy. Or at least, the performance of one.”

A slow, wicked smile began to spread across his face as a frankly ridiculous, highly manipulative plan began to form.

”Sparkle,” Orion whispered, a dark chuckle escaping him. ”Do you think a magical, immortal fire-bird appreciates theater?”

”I think,” Sparkle replied, her interface flashing a bright, neon pink, ”that you are about to do something incredibly dramatic, and I am absolutely here for it.”

”We need a sad story,” Orion decided, picking up his quill again. ”A tear-jerker of epic proportions. Let’s see if I can write a tragedy moving enough to make a Phoenix weep.”