Gun of Ashes

”The moment I smashed him to death, I suddenly felt confused. In order not to let him die, I endured sadness and fear, doing everything I could, but in the end, I still couldn’t save him... But thinking about it, everyone will eventually meet their end, it’s just a matter of time. He was destined to die, it’s just that the date was brought forward significantly.

The same goes for all humanity. Even without the Demons, there will be wars, diseases, hunger, and other factors that drive us toward extinction. So, our fight against Demons is meaningless; after all, the final outcome is the same.”

Left Garrison murmured.

”When I learned of The Inexpressible, I even thought ending with the ascension of all mankind didn’t seem too bad.”

”Everyone will die. In the long history, each person is insignificant, like grains of dust returning to the shadow, unknown to anyone.”

Left Garrison’s words made Lorenzo’s heart shiver. Looking at the Anonymous lost in deep thought, Lorenzo realized how dark Left Garrison’s thoughts are. One could say that from an ideological perspective, Left Garrison is closest to The Inexpressible.

”In your words, am I considered a nihilist?”

Left Garrison smiled again, but Lorenzo knew that to him, even this smile was meaningless.

”Then why don’t you just commit suicide? With your gun, it would be a swift death.”

Lorenzo said, his muscles slightly tense, fully alert. No one would have thought that Left Garrison’s thoughts were like this. He was practically the biggest spy among the Anonymous.

Left Garrison didn’t answer the question but instead talked about others, paying no mind to Lorenzo’s thoughts. Probably even if Lorenzo suddenly rose to kill him now, he wouldn’t say much.

”Zuo Tang, that child is somewhat stubborn. He probably admires me a lot and always wants to follow my path. When I asked him this question, his answer was quite boring, but Shao Liangye’s was somewhat interesting.

When Shao Liangye was young, he was often taken out to hunt. After he shot a deer, his father asked him to take up a dagger to give the deer the final blow.”

Left Garrison spoke more and more intently. For an old man like him, apart from memories, it seemed that in the remaining years, there was only death ahead.

”His hands were clumsy. He couldn’t kill it with several stabs. The deer struggled even more fiercely. Shao Liangye cried as he stabbed, looking quite embarrassed. Then he sat blankly holding the stabbed carcass, and his father said it was because of Shao Liangye’s clumsiness that the deer suffered such pain before dying.

Shao Liangye told me these things without any embarrassment or shame. He was very calm, just narrating this.

He said he brought the deer back, and then his father prepared venison and made Shao Liangye eat it. He resisted, but his father said they survived by eating other lives and continuing their own. Instead of mourning tragic death, he should muster the strength to reverently enjoy the remains of life.

It seemed that Shao Liangye understood something, yet also nothing. He said it was the most satisfying meal he had ever eaten, cleaning the meat so thoroughly it nearly burst his stomach.”

Left Garrison’s expression was calm, telling the story as if it were a bedtime story. But unfortunately, neither the storyteller nor the listener was anything good, with no warmth at all and only a coldness hidden beneath the calm.

”Shao Liangye feels that life is like this, newcomers stepping over the corpses of the old to advance, cycling, passing down, never stopping, like an endlessly extending line, stretching with all its might into the unknown future...”

”Then there is Shao Liangxi.”

Mentioning this girl, Left Garrison paused in his words, his face couldn’t help but show a smile. He rubbed his eyes, then said.

”Shao Liangxi’s answer was also interesting. She said her life is about eating delicious food, drinking good drinks, preferably having a comfortable sleep. Life is sitting on the training ground by the lake beside the house, watching the golden shimmering lake surface amidst the fiery red leaves...”

”Sounds rather childish.” Lorenzo said.

”Yes, but I like this kind of childishness, no grand philosophy, just simple feelings.”

Left Garrison let out a deep breath, then said.

”So back to the question you asked, why don’t I commit suicide? This is a rather complicated question...”

Lorenzo waited for Left Garrison’s thoughts. The two were quietly in the dark. This was quite an interesting conversation, and the outcome of the conversation will determine the relationship between the two, whether it will be complete trust or continued intrigue.

He found it hard to understand, also difficult to comprehend Left Garrison’s thinking—what’s nihilism, what’s life, Lorenzo couldn’t grasp these. Many times he tried not to think about these complex things as much as possible, letting his mind become dull.

Lorenzo Holmes is a sharp sword. He only needs the target of the enemy to kill, holding onto this thought, Lorenzo can avoid many meaningless troubles.

”After asking these Anonymous these questions, I realized it’s just me who thinks all this is nothingness—they still have hope for this world. I can’t be so selfish as to impose my thoughts on them, telling them the world is bad and they might as well die early and transcend.

They still hope for the good, but the road to beauty is full of thorns, needing someone to pave it for them.”

Left Garrison raised his hands, showing himself.

”I’m a very suitable leader. I’m not afraid of death, no fear at all.

The inner nothingness, yet I carry their hopes, so I am driven by it. My world is already grey and white, but I am willing to move forward for their ideal world, is this reason enough?”

”So the real Left Garrison is already dead?” Lorenzo asked after listening to his answer.

Left Garrison nodded, affirmatively.

”Many years ago when he smashed down the big rock, he also smashed himself together with it. What you see now as ’Left Garrison’ is just a shell. Interestingly, inside the empty shell of nothingness, it’s filled with different expectations, so you can still see him act rather than wait to die.”

Lorenzo looked deeply at Left Garrison, trying to find some answers from his eyes, but what greeted him was only emptiness, a nihilistic void.

”You are not for yourself, you are for others.”

”That’s right, just like Anti-Meme and the carrier, Left Garrison is also a carrier, bearing their expectations,” Left Garrison sighed, ”You know, being completely trusted by others is a great honor. So even for them, I am willing to work a little harder, as the end is all death, isn’t it?”

”Then it’s your turn, Holmes. Are you interested in talking now?”

Left Garrison slightly leaned forward, keeping his gaze level with Lorenzo’s pupils.

”I am really curious.”

”Curious about what?”

”You are a rare Demon. In this world, you are like a rare animal, I think anyone would be curious about your inner world.”

Lorenzo didn’t respond. He felt that compared to the ’complete trust’ Left Garrison mentioned, the current situation was more like a transaction.

Left Garrison used his story to try and trade for Lorenzo’s story.

”I...”

Lorenzo seemed to be persuaded, he opened his mouth, but for a moment didn’t know where to start, only awkwardly said.

”I don’t know either. I don’t know what life is after all. This is too philosophical—you think I look like someone who understands this?”

Lorenzo began his endless babbling again. He suddenly got very frightened by the current damned atmosphere, only wanting to break this lousy mood quickly. But his wandering gaze met Left Garrison’s eyes, who had been watching him, with nowhere to escape.

”It’s okay, just say what you think, keep going.”

Left Garrison showed a chilling smile... Lorenzo thought this was him trying to show friendliness, but after hearing his story, Lorenzo found it increasingly hard to look directly at Left Garrison’s smile.

”So... where should I start?”

Lorenzo contemplated, staring at the dim ceiling, and gradually, a touch of golden light spilled down, falling into a beautiful afternoon.