Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I’m not sure what it says about me that I remember my math classes from back in the day at Eastside better than I remember my Combat Training classes with Marshall duBois from... Okay, I was gonna say ’a couple months ago’, but I just realized that my Basic Combat Training classes with Marshall duBois were not, in fact, ’a couple months ago’. At this point they’re closer to ’two years ago’. Shit, I’ve been here for two years. I guess maybe to old heads that doesn’t seem like very long, but it’s still a double digit percentage of my lifetime thus far. That’s just gonna keep growing, like that kind of percentage do. I’m not sure I’m ever really gonna be used to it.

I mean, I really hope I do get used to it. That’s part of growing up too, or at least I think it is. Getting used to the here and now, no matter what here and now I find myself in. I know that neurospicy folks like me yearn for stability, at least some of us, but if you can’t adapt to a new normal that’s a pretty severe disability. Which neurospiciness really ought not be, given how many people seem to have it, and how it’s pretty fuckin’ clearly not ’new’. The world changed, and some of us didn’t adapt well.

Then, when I think trauma layered on top of poverty layered on top of systemic racism layered on top of sexism layered on top of my neurospicy brain had pretty fuckin’ much nailed my coffin shut back then and there, some asshole with more gun than social skills ventilated my skull. I wound up here, where my neurospicy tendencies make me quirky instead of deeply disabled. Instead of a five layer dip of disorders and disadvantage, I wound up with maybe one less layer of fuckery fucking with me, and by pure blind luck and the kindness of Sister Siobhan Darling’s heart, I got set on the path to no longer be poor and powerless.

Since I convinced everybody with a functioning brain that it might be a bad idea to spout off on how I’m a woman and a Bag and otherwise not really a person that they might want to keep that shit to themselves, I’ve been working on that trauma. I know I joked way back about how much of it I’ve got, but sometimes I think I may have underestimated things. Like, something people who grew up with any kind of decent home life, no food or housing insecurity, or any other shit like that don’t get, is how it isn’t just one trauma. It’s not just ’oh, I was poor, that’s a trauma’. No, it’s hundreds, maybe thousands of instances of ’do I get to eat today’ and ’are we gonna get evicted’ or ’is today the day I catch a stray bullet’. Over and over and over again. Not only did I get all kinds of little fuckin’ traumas giving me the mental equivalent of repetitive motion injury, after a while that built up trauma starts spawning shit. Depression. Anxiety. Self-doubt, self-hatred, self-loathing.

But I’m working on that. Every day, whether it’s my therapy sessions with the family, talking to myself about it like this, tryna make the world a better place to convince myself I haven’t wasted the second chance I’ve been given, or doing my best to be a good Mom for my kids and end the generational trauma once and for all, I’m working on it.

I’m not exactly sure which of those last two teaching falls under, but it’s gotta be one of them. Maybe both, if I wind up with any Cadets who don’t have good parental figures to lean on. On the one hand, most of them aren’t much younger than me. Fuck, some of them might be older. But on the other hand I’ve got that whole ’Goddess’ thing going on, which has to count for something.

So after a day spent doing all my normal daily stuff plus working with Lachlan to show the Cadets that they made progress last Season, I sent them all off with instructions to get a good night’s sleep, because I’d be back for Combat Training in the morning. After a quick hug to let Lachlan know I appreciated his help, I stepped back to pick up my kids from the Temple, then brought everybody home along with some roast chickens, bread, and veggies. Most of the kids liked the chicken, tolerated the veggies, and scarfed the bread.

I had to give Menace the look to end all looks to get her to eat her veggies. Mostly because I’d already explained the whole ’veggies make you grow big and strong’ thing before. When Alex looked like she was tryna hide hers behind the heel of her loaf of bread, I hefted Marie up, ongoing puffed out food belly and all, and walked over to the kids. ”You all know you need the nutrients in veggies to grow, right?”

”But they taste so bad.”

I frowned. ”Not saying they’re super tasty, but I did try to make them half decent.” I scooped up a bite of Alex’s, which had kinda gotten mushed together. Not great, but not horrid. ”Maybe try putting some butter and salt on them?”

Right about then I realized that our tables didn’t have salt shakers or butter dishes. So I Co-Located to the kitchen and brought a small bowl of each back. ”Here you go. I’ll try to figure something out for next time.”

All of them looked kinda resigned, and chorused, ’yes, Mama’ before attempting to douse their veggies in butter and salt. Fuck it, if they wound up with high blood pressure, that would just be karma or some shit.

Carried Marie back to our seat, fed her the rest of the chicken, including all the leftovers, which she just crammed down like she was tryna beat my gluttony records from my first Season. ”You okay, Mittens?”

”Just Hungry.”

I ran my hand over her belly, pausing and making little circles when I hit the patch of peach fuzz fur from where her sigil had been. ”Yeah, I guess you might be. More than one, huh?”

She grinned at me. ”Many Kittens!”

I laughed. ”Any idea how many?”

She just shrugged, but Siobhan leaned over and Shaped. ”May I, Marie?” When Marie nodded, she completed the Shape and Assessed our Maenad. Then she nearly fell off Saffron’s lap. ”Uh... that can’t be right.” Marie just hummed her curiosity and devoured another chicken.

”What’s surprised you, Darling?” Saffron asked, trying to finagle Siobhan into taking another bite of chicken.

”May I tell them, Marie?”

Marie paused her chicken devastation, tilted her head, then said, ”Later.”

When we got to the Bath, Siobhan asked the question with her eyes, and Marie shook her head. It wasn’t until the kids had all gone to sleep that Marie reached out to the other two and rolled us all to the Bedroom. I really wanted to know what Siobhan had been waiting to tell us, but she and Marie both kinda occupied my mouth for a while. Very occupied. Much Kiss. Such Linguist. Wow.

”You guys sure are affectionate tonight. Not complaining.”

Siobhan ran a finger down my chest. ”After watching the past two nights? I think we’ve been very patient.”

”Like I said, not complaining. I can absolutely keep this up all night if you want.”

At that point Saffron, who’d been acting as shenanigan supervisor, rolled over onto my legs and said, ”no, you will not. Both of these two need their sleep. They are, as my Goof so eloquently put it, growing a whole assed Human Adjacent person in their bellies.”

Siobhan eeped out something, then looked at Marie and whispered, ”now?”

Marie thought about it while Siobhan looked more and more like she was gonna burst, then grinned and said, ”Tell Us.”

”Eight.”

It took me a second. Then another while I looked down Marie’s front, counting nipples. ”Uh, are we gonna need a nursemaid?”

My legs sank into the mattress as Saffron Mimicked Marie and thought, lost your enjoyment of breastfeeding already?

I couldn’t help it, I did the same Mimicking and crowed out, ”Yay!”

Then I felt Saffron stop Siobhan from joining us in our Maenadhood. Sorry, Darling. No Shapeshifting or Mimicking for you for a while.

”No Co-Location, no Shapeshifting, no Mimicking. So many of my Boons going unused. What am I to do?”

I looked down at Saffron. We didn’t even need fancy mental communication to come to an agreement. I scooped Siobhan around in between Marie and I, and Saffron crawled up atop her, leaving our Ice Pop trapped in a very small space between three very large tigers. Oh, I’m sure we can think of something.

In the morning I asked Lachlan to get the class started again. While he did that, I got the kids to the Temple, got my Kitten to the Grand Council and her office, took Siobhan to the Infirmary, spread myself around to help with cooking and laundry, and finally left one of me with Marie in our big round bed, still warm from everyone sleeping in it overnight.

”Eight, huh?”

”Yes!”

I smiled at her, letting my hands roam a little. ”That’s two more than you have nipples, isn’t it?”

She frowned just a little. ”Too Many?”

I just grinned at her, rubbing at her belly, then letting my hands wander upward. ”Nope. Just remembered reading something about them working better if they get regular massage.”

”Really?”

I froze and looked at her. ”So you don’t want me to?”

Her mouth dropped open into a blepping grin. ”Carry On.”

Back in the Practice Yard, with everybody in formation I called out, ”Good Morning, Cadets! Today we’ll begin what might be, in my opinion, the least useful single lesson in our Combat Training course.”

Hildegarde’s hand shot up. I nodded to her, and she barked out, ”if it’s useless, why are we learning it?”

I shook my head. ”Get the wax out of your ears, Cadet. I didn’t say useless. I said ’least useful’. The reasons you’re learning about non-Crossbows anyway,” I raised my fingers, counting as I went through them. ”First, it’s traditional, and nobody’s said it’s not part of the curriculum. Second, while the weapons you’ll be learning today are mostly obsolete, they’re also the only weapons our potential opponents in any war will have as of yet, so knowing how they work, their effective ranges, and all that other good shit might be important for both tactical and strategic reasons. Third, a few of the weapons you’ll be learning do have some advantages over the more modern weapons; some of you might prefer them, and again by tradition you’re each required to choose one to carry when you’re deployed. If you want to go with a short bow for the rate of fire, or a longbow for the same reason just bigger, or fuck, if you really want to carry a ballista because you hate yourself, that’s on you.”

Hildegarde didn’t look completely convinced, but she nodded and settled down. ”Okay, Hero Lancaster, could you get everyone set up on a firing line?”

”Yes, Champion! Okay, Cadets, get yourselves...”

I kinda stopped listening, stepping to Hildegarde, Citron, and Vickerson, pulling them with me an out to the Courtyard at the Homestead. ”Okay, you three. It’s been a couple weeks, and I want to make sure you haven’t slipped back into bad habits before I get you started on bows. Time for some dancing.”

Funniest thing about the next dozen minutes had to be Hildegarde tryna act like she didn’t enjoy it. Less funny, but possibly more useful from a teaching standpoint, was watching Vickerson smoothly do everything the other two did, but backwards, with absolute sublime grace, but get all stiff and almost awkward when she had to lead.

I nodded and said, ”okay, we’ll be getting back in just a bit, but before we do, you three still an item?” Citron and Hildegarde looked a little mulish, but I just shook my head and said, ”look, other than thinking it’s a Good Thing for you three to be involved Because Reasons, I’m not tryna dictate your love life. I just want to know if you’re all still getting along well enough to work together.”

Citron muttered something unintelligible through his Dan Standard Issue Rectal Kumquat Look, and Hildegarde grumbled something similar, but Vickerson just sighed, nodded, then looked at me and said, ”the three of us are in an ongoing intimate relationship, Ma’am.”

I smiled at her, reached out and ruffled her hair a little. ”Fantastic. Also, good to hear you be comfortable enough to be open about it. Which, to be clear, is normally not anybody else’s business. But as your Instructor and also as the Patron for two of the three of you, it kinda is mine, at least a little bit. You three okay with that?”

Citron looked a little surprised that I was both the other two’s Patron, but just nodded. Hildegarde glanced at him, then nodded when he did. Vickerson actually looked me in the eye and said, ”why?”

”Why what?”

She paused for a second, then said, ”Why did you need to know, and why are you bothering to ask?”

I smiled at her, bending toward her to lower my voice and say, ”because I’m a Goddess of Agency. If you don’t want me to use what I know about you to help you, I won’t. But I’d really like to. Help you. All three of you, really.”

”Even me?” asked Cadet Citron.

I smiled at him. ”Hey, just because my live ins are all of the Sapphic variety doesn’t mean I have anything against men.” I thought a moment, then smirked and said, ”ask Lachlan about that if you’re feeling real brave.”

”You mean... Uh... you and he?”

I shook my head. ”I said ask him. Not saying any more about that. But... you three okay if I discuss something about one of you with the other two listening?” They all nodded. ”Okay. From what we saw yesterday, you’re top of your cohort in Strength and Endurance now,” I nodded to Hildegarde, ”and you’re top in Agility,” a nod to Citron. ”You’re also bringing your Strength and Endurance along nicely.”

Vickerson sighed, ”and I’m the weak link.”

I couldn’t help it. Without thinking, I thwapped her on the back of the head. Not hard, just enough to make her stumble and the other two bristle. ”None of that, Vickerson. Your Endurance is better than Citron’s, by my estimation.” Both of them blinked at that. ”There is some evidence that the numeric values displayed in Status have some potential for minor inaccuracies.” The three of them just stared at me, mouths kinda hanging open. ”Yes, that is a secret, and if any of you tell anyone, I will see to it you regret it. Archmage Aetos-Diaz is working on an improved version of the Shape that will remove those potential issues.”

Weird thing, they all relaxed completely on hearing that. ”I’m still not... I’m still the weak link, Ma’am.”

I shook my head, pulling her under my arm and waving the other two over. ”Only when you’re getting in your own way, Sheila.” She looked a little surprised that I knew her first name. The other two stepped up and, if they seemed a little weirded by me pulling them into a group hug, relaxed when I stepped back. ”Seriously, your situational awareness is excellent, but you need to start trusting yourself.” I looked to the other two, meeting Citron’s gaze first, then Hildegarde’s. ”You two think you can help her out with that? Like she helped you two with your issues?”

”Absolutely, Ma’am!” They chorused, which got a blushing smile out of Vickerson.

”Okay then, you three. You’ve got your homework. Now, let’s get back to the Practice Yard and play with some bows.”