Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Y’know, up until Saffron mentioned the groom thing yesterday I hadn’t really thought about it. Honestly, my own reaction surprised me a little, and the fact that it hasn’t gotten any less vehement since then is... not exactly weirding me out, but is definitely telling me things about myself. Or maybe confirming things about myself? It’s definitely given me shit to think about, about things I previously thought I’d had ironclad answers to. Which is kinda weird, because as a kid I always thought that’s what it meant to become an adult; to have all the answers, at least about yourself. Like, if you’re an adult you know whether you’re cis, trans, or fluid, Gay, Sapphic, or Pan, Mono, Poly, or whatever’s in the middle of that spectrum.

But honestly I’m coming to realize that growing up and calcifying are two entirely different things, and I think they might be like love and jealousy. Like, you can’t really love someone if you give in to jealousy about them, because the jealousy is going to get in the way of both seeing them as they are and making the best choices for them. It’s the same with growing up; you can’t really do it if you calcify. You can’t grow, let alone grow up, if you can’t change. Growing up isn’t a process of hardening into an unchanging mass of whatever, it’s a process of learning, of growing, of changing, of becoming a better version of yourself.

I don’t even want to say ’best’ version, because that’s constantly changing too. Back in the day at Eastside, the best version of me wouldn’t have been able to bench press a dump truck, which I’m pretty sure I can do at this point. Entirely for economic reasons the best me back then couldn’t have supported a community of multiple dozen people, whether singlehandedly or with my partner or partners.

Y’know, that’s one of the things that I’ve come to realize about myself, one that Saffron worked hard to help me not just realize, but accept. My natural state isn’t a single partner. It’s partners. I never looked at a single person back in the day and said, ’yes, this person will fulfill all of my needs forever’. The thought kind of stifled me. I mean, yeah, Saffron. Always Saffron. But like within a week of us hooking up we had that whole conversation about exclusivity, and then I had her and Marie, and now we’ve got Siobhan, and all of us mean different things to each other, but we’re all partners. We are a family, and two days from now Saffron and I will make that especially official with Marie. If Siobhan never wants to trade that collar for a ring, I’m fine with that, but I think we’ve made it completely clear that she’s our partner in every meaningful way. She isn’t just some ultimately disposable toy we play with.

I mean, yes, she is definitely a toy, and holy hell do I love playing with her, but she has made it very clear to all three of us that she finds being played with like that exhilarating and fulfilling. I think maybe it’s because somewhere in her brain it absolves her of any kind of responsibility for her desire. She’s physically aroused and pleased by the things we do when we play with her, but she gets to think of it as something she’s doing for us, so she doesn’t feel greedy for wanting it so much. I dunno, maybe we’ll have to work through that at some point. But if everybody involved is okay with it, and we are, and nobody’s getting harmed in any kind of lasting, negative way, which is actually kinda tough with a bona fide Healer as part of our little family, I can’t see where it’s a terrible thing to just roll with it for the time being.

But yesterday the whole ’bride’ thing hit me from a half dozen directions. Like, I could totally do the wedding in boy mode, but even if I did, and I’m definitely still me when I’m rocking boy mode hard, it’s not a core part of my identity. A wedding is a permanent thing. It’s about joining who you are to who somebody else is. Seriously, I’ve done the deed with as many people as I have since Saffron and I worked out the poly thing, and most of them are just friends with the C-suite benefits package, because if you get me you’re probably gonna get Saffron and Marie too if you’re interested, and if you’re not a guy you might get to play with our toy, too. None of them are life partners. No wedding needed or desired. Shit, if Lachlan wanted to move in, I’d be sort of okay with it, if only because that would mean Menace gets more time with Liam, and the two of them seemed thick as thieves when we lived at Lancaster House. But he wouldn’t be our partner. Not at this point.

Fuck, if I’m constantly learning and growing, maybe someday he will be. Probably not, though. I think I’d prefer Panther. Which is kinda baking my noodle to admit to myself even, but here we are.

At any rate, the ’bride’ versus ’groom’ thing. I’m a woman who sometimes, when the mood hits me just right, or one of my partners needs me to be, is a guy. A man, in the physical sense, and I don’t feel uncomfortable being one while I am. But it’s entirely a transitory state. I am, at the core of me, a woman. So when I go to a ceremony that’s bonding me to another person? I’m gonna be a bride, not a groom. Of course, if I look half as hot as Saffron does in that Tux? I can totally see why she wants me in it.

Honestly, that’s the one part of the whole deal that has me more weirded out and asking questions that I never thought I’d have to ask. I totally get why she’d want me in the Tux. I totally want her in that Tux. I am absolutely talking about her in boy mode railing normal woman me, and I’m almost as fired up about me doing the same to her. Us going at it Sapphic style in our tuxes is just kinda melting most of my brain as I think about it. Which leaves that last bit. I mean, I’m a Pan Woman who is sometimes a Man. But thus far every time I’ve been in boy mode, I’ve been doing stuff with Saffron or Marie. Wait, or Lily. I totally did Lily like that. But it’s always been me as a guy with a woman. Even Saffron’s four horse hitch was me as one of four guys doing one woman.

I’m not the kind of insecure dude who has to say ’no homo’ whenever some dude comes in contact with any portion of my boy suit, but up until now I’ve never really thought about doing a dude as a dude. Just did not cross my mental horizon. Well, not until boy mode Saffron in that Tux stepped over the fucking horizon, and I’m pretty sure the Maenads are gonna have to wash those boxers they had me in, and the thought of us going at it Yaoi mode is kinda making me drool just a little. Which is probably for the best, because that’s still sixth, even when one of the other orifices isn’t currently extant. Sounding is an absolute non-starter.

Fuck, okay, if Saffron comes at me with a fuckin’ acupuncture needle, I’m totally gonna go back on that, but... Saffron. Always Saffron. At some point she’s gonna be all counting in the bedroom and I’m gonna totally miss the cues until she whispers ’sixth’, and then demolishes my entire worldview, along with aforementioned orifice.

So that whole conversation? Let me know that gender wise, I’m a woman who is, when I need to be or feel like it, a man. It also let me know that orientation wise, I’m Pan no matter what my present gender or gender presentation is.

I also realized that I’m maybe a little bit butch. Yeah, I rock The Dress, and I’ve even worn Glowing Midnight once or twice, but I think even the Yandere Shobitch Wedding Gown might be a little too girly for me.

I mean, I’m totally gonna wear it at some point. Yes, absolutely for carnal activities with Saffron, Marie, Siobhan, and anybody else who gets lucky enough to join us for that. But like I’ve mentioned before, I’m both fluid and do shit all the time just because I can and people think or say I can’t.

All that kinda rolled through my head over the past day, kinda sloshing back and forth through my brain as we all ate dinner, then rolled up to the Bath. Grandma Aetos seemed like she really enjoyed just relaxing in the bath, so I took a turn playing with the kids. I mean, they still wandered over to talk to her, and she still dispensed wisdom and snark in equal measure, but it was a sort of one on one, breaks in between thing. I think at one point she started to nod off. I tapped her with the Boon so she wouldn’t drown, because that would just suck.

I think maybe she might want to eventually sleep in her own room, in her own bed, but for the moment Marie and I have been helping her to the middle of the big round bed, where the kids kind of pile up around her.

Middle of the day Marie pulled Saffron and I back to the Academy basement to check the fit of our tuxes. I realized when Marie had the Maenads spin me so she could see how the tuxedo looked on me when I moved, Saffron had not, in fact, hit peak tuxedo hotness yesterday. When I got a look at her now that the tuxedo had gotten its final tailoring, I tripped over my own feet, and would have faceplanted right into her cleavage or crotch or something, but she caught me under the shoulders and carefully stood me back up.

”Like what you see?” I nodded. It took me a little bit to find my voice, and before I did he stood there and growled out, ”how about now?”

”Birthday?” I whimpered.

”Remember,” he reached in and pulled me into boy-mode, and holy shit I was not one fucking whit less attracted.

”Yes, dear.” I felt some kind of almost guilty way and whispered, ”still sixth.”

He just chuckled, and I almost messed my boxers right there as he reached up and lay his palm against my cheek. ”Would you feel slighted if I swallowed you each and every time on your birthday?”

”Fuck. No.”

He leaned in, pulled me down, and whispered, ”so why are you apologizing for your plans to do that to me?” Then he kissed me.

When I came up for air, both of us were back in our normal configuration. Suddenly guilty, I turned to Marie and said, ”shit, I’m sorry, Marie. These are for your wedding, and I...”

She lay a claw across my mouth. ”Deliberate.” At that point Saffron started laughing too hard to explain, so I had to stand there tryna figure it out myself.

When it hit me, I looked back at Saffron, who nodded as the Maenads carefully disrobed her. Then I turned back to Marie. ”You want me looking at her, getting all worked up, and her at me, all through the wedding, because you know we’re totally gonna take it all out on you afterward?”

She nodded, and I couldn’t resist. I pulled her down and kissed her, slipping to boy mode halfway through. Okay, I kinda kissed her one way, then kissed her again the other way, and with every moment her grin got wider. When the Maenads approached to take the tuxedo off of me, I pulled her down further to growl into her ear, ”hope you’re ready to be more mommish, because you are absolutely gonna be with child by Sunday.”

It’s so fun making her smile, making her blush, making her purr. Doing all three at once? Priceless.

Back at the house, I worried about Grandma a little. At first I worried because I hadn’t noticed her using the toilet. I actually kinda asked Siobhan about it at the Infirmary. Her reply wasn’t incredibly copacetic making. ”She doesn’t eat a lot, Tabitha. Hasn’t the entire time I’ve known her. Enough to be social. Enough to comment on the food and compliment Marie. But... not so much that she needs a toilet or chamber pot very frequently.”

Yeah, I remember my mom. Maybe I’m just thinking about how during chemo and the last stages her appetite went away. Probably just me being paranoid, because I’ve lost people before. Might be why I fight so hard here and now when someone or something tries to take one of my people away.

Shit, if all I can do for her is make sure the rest of her life is spent comfortably surrounded by great grandkids who adore her, then give her a ride to whatever afterlife she wants, that’s what the fuck Im gonna do.

And if she decides she wants to kick back at Valhalla or the Elysian Fields, I will just have to explain to Odin or Zeus that’s where she’s gonna live out her afterlife.

Explain them into bite sized fuckin’ pieces if I have to.