Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I’m getting married tomorrow. I am getting married tomorrow. Like, holy shit, I’m gonna be standing at the altar and Marie’s gonna come walking down the aisle and Siobhan’s gonna say some stuff and Saffron’s gonna say ’I do’ and I’m gonna say ’I do’, and we’re gonna exchange rings because we’ve got those this time and we’re gonna be fuckin’ married.

Yes, I am freaking out. Yes, this is a deliberate decision on my part to let go of the pretend calm I’ve been clutching with both hands because if I’d done this before it would just have built up again, and if I don’t do it now I’ll wind up doing it tomorrow and that’s just not fair to Marie.

Shit, is this another part of growing up, of becoming or being an adult? I mean admitting to, owning, and controlling my freak out panic attacks just enough to get myself to a safe space where nobody, hopefully including me, is gonna get hurt by them. I think maybe it is. I think maybe I, Tabitha Diaz, perpetual delinquent, am actually growing up. I mean, I guess ’grown up’ to a degree, to the point that I can actually manage my condition even this much.

Listen to me. ’Manage my condition’. Like I’m actually seeing a therapist or shit like that, and have a hope in hell of sorting out what my fuckin’ condition is. I mean, I did see a therapist a couple times way back in the day, but their diagnosis looked like they just checked all the boxes and called it a day. Which, now that I think about it, might not have been so much ’them giving up’ as ’them accurately describing my mental state after my mom died, leaving me an orphan who’d been basically raised by the streets since my mom spent all her time working’. Kinda almost wish I could see her again. My therapist, that is. I mean, yeah, I’d love to see my mom again, that much was made pretty clear by my reaction to Sigyn looking like my mom. But I kinda wish I could see that therapist again and get her opinion on whether I’m actually making progress, actually healing and adapting and growing, or if I’m just fooling myself.

Of course, while I don’t have a therapist here and now, I do have parents. Which is not the same thing, but when one is a Deity of Hearth and Home and the other is a Deity of Marital Devotion, I’d say that qualifies them to drop some serious truth bombs about the potential goings on on Friday.

With that in mind, as I escorted Grandma to the dinner table, I thought, hey Dad, you mind if I drop by tomorrow?

Sigyn asks that you come in the afternoon, as she’ll be attending to her duties in the morning.

Hey, did you pass up the opportunity for a pun that would put brain bleach requiring images in my head?

He chuckled. You seemed disturbed by something, and I thought perhaps that sort of humor wasn’t the best response. Although if that’s what you wanted, she is right here after all. He shot me an image of yoinking a giggling Sigyn into his lap and wrapping an arm around her.

Nope, no need. Thanks, Dad. You’re the best!

I cut the connection in the middle of his, I know.

At that point Grandma looked at me and said, ”talking to your Patron?”

”How can you tell?”

”Your lips move. Nervous about tomorrow?”

I blinked. ”Yeah. How can you tell?”

She grinned up at me, an echo of one of Saffron’s. Or maybe Saffron’s were an echo of hers. She had to learn them somewhere, after all. ”Your lips move.” Then she cackled for a moment, but lay a hand on mine so I didn’t move away. ”You getting cold feet?”

I tilted my head as I thought about that. ”Nah. Cold feet means I don’t want to or some shit like that. This is more a combination of ’I can’t believe I’m doing this’, ’I can’t believe this is happening to me’, and ’I’m afraid I’m gonna screw this up, and it’s important’. But I definitely want to do it.”

”Why?”

My mouth hung open for a second. ”Because she’s the wifiest wife who ever wifed, and I want to make it clear that I want her as my Wife now and forever?”

The look she gave me took any accusation from her words. ”And Saffron?”

I blew out a lungful of air. ”Saffron. Saffron is my better half. My reason for living. My light, my air, my everything.”

Grandma just smiled up at me. ”I meant how does she feel about Marie.”

”Oh! Yeah, uh, same same on wanting to wife the wifiest wife who ever wifed. Plus,” I realized something just then, and I couldn’t tell if it disappointed or amused me more. ”I think she wants to taunt Dionysus about... things. Marie’s his favorite, and now she’s gonna be, y’know, ours.”

”Yours?”

”Definitely ours.” I think I’d misunderstood her question by the look on her face, but she just shook her head, then said, ”I meant why can’t you believe it.”

”Why can’t I believe I’m doing it? Uh, because I’ve got a terminal fear of commitment and ceremony.”

She looked around the room at the small herd of kids, then back up at me, her eyebrow going up. ”Fear of commitment, huh? Ceremony I can see, but commitment?”

My face heated. ”Okay, maybe I’ve gotten over that one.”

She started laughing, barely choking out, ”what about it happening to you?”

I shrugged. ”Oh, that’s easy. Saffron is adorable hotness personified. Marie is beautiful and the wifiest wife ever to wife. I’m just, y’know, me.”

”A literal Love Goddess.”

She didn’t say anything beyond that, and she dropped that line with the kind of deadpan delivery that left me standing there staring at her until the ladies arrived and the me helping Marie with dinner followed her into the room. I turned, split myself one more time as assorted other mes stared collapsing into me, stole her big food tray away from her and scooped her up into my arms. ”So, what’d you make for the last dinner you’re cooking for a while?”

”What?”

I tilted her until I could kiss her, then with our foreheads pressed together walked over to my place at the table. ”Pam. Per. Ing. You are getting pampered for our entire honeymoon, you big wifey nerd you. That means no work. Nothing like work. Just getting all the nice things done for you by other people.”

She blushed and purred, and we settled in to eat.

At Bath time, Siobhan joined Grandma, playing secretary for her so she didn’t get too swamped with kids. Meanwhile, Saffron lay face down atop Marie, chin on her folded arms, staring into her eyes. I almost missed what she was saying, because I kept getting distracted by her butt sticking out of the water. I think the only reason Marie didn’t was that Saffron’s face blocked that particular view.

”So, fiancée. While she’s busy, is there anything in particular you expect from our Concubine on your wedding night?”

Marie floated there for a while, eventually replying, ”Kiss.”

She got us both with that. Saffron slumped, smiling, as I felt myself do the same. Sadge. Between both of us relaxing, Saffron’s ass-lantis sank beneath the waves. ”Well, we’d best make sure that happens, hadn’t we, love?”

”Absolutely. Anything else, Mittens?”

She put in another long think while her arms slipped up around Saffron, damming ass-lantis to permanent submersion. Then she managed to murmur decisively, ”Company.”

I didn’t get it, but Saffron stiffened just a little. I think more surprise than anything, but then she said, ”kisses I’m certain you’ll get, but that might take some convincing.” Mittens’ face fell, but Saffron nudged her with her nose. ”I didn’t say no, lovely Marie.”

Marie seemed to take that as an acceptable compromise, and they sealed it with a kiss. I kind of surprised myself when I did not, in fact, get a kiss after that, but did not in any way feel some kinda way. Instead I just scooped them both up and carried them over to the locker room where warmed towels waited for us. I mean, I still got inspired to some mischief. I flipped them over so Marie lay atop Saffron in my arms, and my brilliant bodacious beauty caught on immediately, slipping Marie’s legs around her so she held her up when I set Saffron on her feet. I toweled them both dry, nudging them over to one wall where Saffron held Marie pinned while I dried off.

Yeah, we did absolutely nothing beyond that tonight. Anticipation is hot.

She did also explicitly say she didn’t want to be able to walk after Saturday, too, so there’s that.

I spent the morning shadowing Marie, but mostly focused on playing with the kids and making sure Grandma was okay. She definitely knew kid management, but our horde hoard was maybe a little bit rambunctious, each one trying their hardest to impress the newest adult in the household. Luckily, I managed to catch Menace when she said something snide to Alex when the bigger girl couldn’t catch her when they were playing chase. Before Grandma could react, I scooped her up and stepped up to my office.

”I’m disappointed in you, kiddo.”

”I sowwy.” She looked a little guilty, but I realized what she’d been doing, and called her out on it.

”Not just about what you said to Alex.” The guilty look got deeper, although some surprise joined it. ”Doing bad stuff, especially bad stuff that hurts your sisters? That’s not the right way to get Grandma’s attention.”

Real contrition painted her face now. ”Sowwy, Mama.”

I scooped her up. ”Now, when we get back down there, you apologize to Alex, too, right?” She nodded. ”And don’t try pulling that kind of stuff. I did it enough for both of us. I’m not gonna miss when you do it.”

”Oh Tay, Mama.”

I stepped us back down, she apologized to Alex, and from then on that particular bit of kid awful died down to background levels. Definitely a good idea to know who the chief troublemaker is, and cut them off early. Which surprised me at myself, because that sounded like actual decent momming.

At lunch I hit the Academy Cafeteria and found Vickerson. ”Hey, Cadet. How’s it going?” She shrugged, engaged in the Cadet critical refueling process where she sat between Citron and Hildegarde. If Citron’s table manners were better, his portions certainly weren’t any smaller. ”Need you for something tomorrow.”

She set down her spoon. ”What did you need, Ma’am?”

”You know about the wedding tomorrow?”

She smiled up at me. ”I’m not deaf and blind, so yes.”

I smiled to let her know her mild snark didn’t bother me, even as Hildegard smiled around her spoon and Citron looked a little scandalized. ”Yeah, our kids are gonna be part of it, but we’re gonna be a little busy to wrangle them. Their great grandmother will be there to help, but she’s not exactly spry, so I need you to be her hands and legs for the day.”

She’d tangled with the horde hoard before. ”I’ll do my best, Ma’am.”

I nodded. ”I’ll be bringing someone else in too. High Priestess Smith.”

Vickerson’s shoulders sagged with relief at the mention of reinforcements, then tightened back up when I told her who. ”Thank you, Ma’am.”

I squeezed my protege’s shoulder and said, ”don’t worry, Cadet. She doesn’t bite. Unless you’re into that and ask very nicely.”

I stepped away to the Temple of Love while Hildegarde sprayed food laughing and Citron choked a bit. Karen, you around?

Little, um, involved. I’ll be right with you?

I tasted the flustered emotions in her and thought back, don’t let me interrupt. Need you for babysitting assistance tomorrow and Saturday. Maybe Sunday too. Grandma Aetos can mostly manage the kids, but she needs hands and legs if they get out of hand.

I caught a tiny bit of pleased embarrassment, then, you can count on me, Goddess.

Thanks, Karen. Have fun with your involvement!

I stepped over to Loki and Sigyn’s while Karen gabbled, then chuckled about my parting quip. I closed my eyes as I arrived and called out ”Hey Dad, hey Mom. You guys decent?”

Dad’s answer came back immediately. ”Tabitha! You act as if we do nothing but rut like beasts in heat every moment of the day.”

I chuckled and opened my eyes as I stepped toward him. The moment I did Sigyn, who sat in his lap, her knees outside his, everything from thigh to breast covered by the arm he held her with, said, ”per your deal with Odin, we’re forced to spend at least an hour a day doing otherwise.”

”An hour?” I said, trying very hard to keep my cool, since they were both very obviously fully clothed and had posed entirely to mess with me. ”I don’t remember that being the deal?”

She smiled and leaned against his bicep. ”Oh, it takes a while to get this one properly locked down. Even longer to set him free, since he always interferes.”

”Interferes? You seemed to enjoy my interference not an hour past.”

Her eyes slipped closed as she ran a hand up his arm and snuggled into him a little more. ”I never said I didn’t, husband.” Then her eyes slid open again and she looked at me. ”So, Daughter. What did you need?”

I shrugged and pulled up a chair. ”I’m getting kind of nervous about the wedding. Nothing coherent, nothing... real. Just irrational panic.”

She slipped away from Loki’s lap and stepped over to me, pulling me into a warm hug. ”Daughter, emotions are real things. They may defy logic and rationality, true, but this makes them no less real, no less of a challenge to deal with.” She lifted me, chair and all, and moved me over to sit where she could reach me from Loki’s lap. ”Now. Tell us all about it.”

So we talked. Time flowed as oddly as always there in Loki’s cave. We talked for hours, for days, for minutes, for moments. Forever. Bit by bit, my panicked nerves settled, my fear leached away by their calm, caring support. At the end, I had only one remaining thought, devoid of anything negative, wholly charged with eager anticipation.

I’m getting married tomorrow!