Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The first weeks of summer vacation at Malfoy Manor unfolded exactly as Orion anticipated: a jarring dichotomy of aristocratic posturing and profound, localized peace.

Breakfasts and dinners were mandatory engagements in political endurance. Lucius Malfoy, riding high on the grand fame of everything, from the victory against Arthur’s raids to Orion’s accomplishments, was particularly verbose. He treated every meal as an opportunity to lecture his sons on the inherent superiority of their bloodline, the failing standards of the Ministry, and the absolute necessity of maintaining the Malfoy legacy. Draco absorbed it all eagerly, while Orion practiced his mental compartmentalization, nodding at appropriate intervals while drafting magical studies timetable in his head.

The afternoons, however, were sacred.

Orion spent hours in the sunlit drawing room with Narcissa, enjoying the quiet companionship that existed solely between the two of them. They discussed the intricate, delicate magic required for advanced gardening, and Orion even showed her the All-Speak—selectively, of course. He didn’t reveal his ability to converse with every creature, but demonstrating his newfound capacity to understand the distinct, arrogant squawks of the white peacocks amused his mother to no end.

But the majority of his time was spent locked inside the expanded sanctuary of his trunk.

The Vanishing Cabinet loomed in the corner, a dark, silent monolith of broken magic. The other one stored in the manor’s storage area. Orion approached it not as a wizard casting a spell, but as a surgeon repairing a complex, magical nervous system. He consulted the meticulous notes he had gathered from the Restricted Section, slowly mapping the fractured sympathetic resonance loops.

It was agonizing, delicate work. A single misaligned rune could result in catastrophic spatial compression.

But amidst the complex Arithmancy and the endless carving of test runes on spare blocks of wood, a lingering, persistent thought gnawed at the back of Orion’s mind.

It was a canon event that hadn’t occurred.

”You’re brooding again,” Sparkle noted on a Friday evening, her interface hovering over his shoulder as he stared blankly at a complex equation involving spatial folding. ”What’s wrong? Did you carry the one instead of the two?”

”It’s not the math,” Orion muttered, setting his quill down and rubbing his eyes. ”It’s the elf.”

”Dobby?”

”Yes,” Orion leaned back in his chair. ”In the original timeline, Potter frees him at the end of the Second Year. He uses the destroyed diary and a sock to trick Lucius into presenting the elf with clothes. It’s a pivotal moment. It establishes Dobby as a free agent, entirely devoted to Potter, and it removes him from Lucius’s abusive control.”

”But you stole the diary,” Sparkle pointed out. ”And you stole the boss fight. Potter never had the opportunity to free him.”

”I know,” Orion frowned. ”And I don’t like it.”

He looked at the dark wood of the cabinet.

”I value Dobby,” Orion said softly. ”He’s brilliant. He’s incredibly competent when properly directed. He saved my life as well. I want him as my operative.”

”He IS your operative,” Sparkle reasoned. ”He’s a Malfoy elf. He has to do what you say.”

”He has to do what Lucius says first,” Orion corrected sharply. ”He is bound to the Head of House. If Lucius orders him to stay at the Manor, or forbids him from interacting with me, the magic of the bond overrides my commands. And more importantly...”

Orion sighed, a rare look of genuine empathy crossing his features.

”I hate the way Lucius treats him. The casual cruelty. The occasional physical punishments. It’s inefficient management, and it’s barbaric. Dobby is terrified of him. I want that fear gone.”

He understood the biological reality of the house-elves. He knew they required a bond to survive; an unbound elf withered and lost their magic. He strongly suspected that the ’free’ canon Dobby had merely bonded with the ambient magic of Hogwarts itself when he took the job in the kitchens, transferring his symbiosis from a wizarding family to a magical institution.

”I need him free of Lucius,” Orion decided, a plan rapidly forming in his mind. ”But I need him tethered to Hogwarts, and loyal to me.”

The next morning, while Lucius was occupied with Ministry correspondence in his study, Orion retreated to his bedroom and cast his silencing charms.

”Dobby,” Orion called softly.

CRACK.

The elf appeared, wearing a stained pillowcase, his large eyes looking up at Orion with absolute devotion. ”Master Orion calls?”

”Sit down, Dobby,” Orion instructed, gesturing to the foot of his bed.

Dobby looked hesitant, as sitting in a master’s presence was highly unusual, but he complied, perching nervously on the edge of the mattress.

”I need you to listen to me very carefully, Dobby,” Orion began, his voice calm and reassuring. ”Do not panic. Do not overreact. Just listen, and answer honestly.”

Dobby nodded, his ears trembling slightly.

”I value your service immensely,” Orion said. ”You are an exceptional elf. However... I am aware of how my father treats you. I know you do not like Lucius, nor do you hold any great love for the Malfoy family as a whole, excluding myself.”

Dobby gasped, his hands flying to his ears, ready to punish himself for the treasonous thought.

”Do not,” Orion commanded sharply, grabbing the elf’s wrists before he could pull his own ears. ”It is the truth. It is understandable, and it is acceptable. I do not share his methods.”

He released Dobby’s wrists, leaning forward.

”Personally, I feel that you would be far more useful to me, and infinitely happier yourself, if you were a Hogwarts elf rather than a Malfoy elf.”

Dobby’s tennis-ball eyes widened to the size of saucers. ”A... a Hogwarts elf?”

”Yes,” Orion nodded. ”Bonded to the magic of the school. Working in the kitchens. Safe from Lucius’s cane and his orders. But...” Orion locked eyes with the trembling creature. ”...I still need you, Dobby. I need you as my operative. If you were free of the Malfoy bond, would you still serve me?”

Dobby didn’t hesitate. Tears instantly welled in his massive eyes. ”Dobby would always serve Master Orion! Master Orion is kind! Master Orion listens! Dobby would be Master Orion’s elf, even if Dobby was a free elf!”

”Good,” Orion smiled, a genuine, warm expression. ”Because I am at Hogwarts for the next five years anyway. You will be exactly where I need you to be.”

Dobby sniffled, wiping his nose with his pillowcase. ”But... but how, Master Orion? Master Lucius will never give Dobby clothes. He says Dobby is a bad elf.”

Orion’s smile turned wicked.

”We are going to employ a little misdirection, Dobby,” Orion murmured. ”A classic sleight of hand. The execution is simple, but the timing must be perfect.”

The plan was executed later that afternoon.

Lucius Malfoy was striding down the main corridor of the East Wing, returning from his study toward the drawing room, his silver cane tapping sharply on the marble floor.

Orion, concealed entirely beneath the perfect replica of the Invisibility Cloak, stood perfectly still in an alcove near a large, ornate suit of armor.

Dobby was frantically dusting a nearby portrait, explicitly ordered by Orion to be in Lucius’s direct path.

”Out of the way, elf,” Lucius snapped as he approached, not even slowing his stride, raising his cane to shove the creature aside.

It was the moment Orion had calculated.

Inventory. Release.

He didn’t use a spell. He simply willed a massive, heavy, slightly damp woolen shawl like blanket—procured from the Manor’s laundry stores earlier—to materialize from his sub-space pocket directly above Lucius’s head.

The blanket dropped like a stone.

It enveloped Lucius completely, blinding him, muffling his indignant shout, and causing him to stumble forward in shock.

”What in blazes—?!” Lucius roared, thrashing wildly to pull the heavy fabric off his head.

In his panic, he violently yanked the blanket off and threw it aggressively away from him.

Dobby, standing exactly where Orion had instructed, reached out his small, spindly hands.

The heavy woolen blanket, thrown directly by the hand of the Head of the Malfoy Family, landed squarely in the house-elf’s outstretched arms.

Lucius, finally free of the impromptu blindfold, glared around the empty corridor, his chest heaving, his immaculate hair mussed. He looked down.

Dobby stood there, clutching the blanket to his chest. The elf was shaking, not with fear, but with an overwhelming, profound shock. He looked at the blanket. He looked at Lucius.

”Master... Master has given Dobby a blanket,” Dobby whispered, his voice trembling with an emotion so raw it made the air vibrate. ”Master has presented Dobby with clothes.”

Lucius froze. The realization of what he had just accidentally done hit him with the force of a Bludger. The ancient, binding magic of house-elf servitude possessed a very specific, literal trigger. The intent didn’t matter. The physical act of the master presenting the servant with an item of clothing severed the bond.

”No,” Lucius breathed, his face turning pale. ”No, you foolish creature, I didn’t mean to—”

”Dobby is free,” the elf announced, his voice rising in sheer, unadulterated joy. He clutched the blanket tighter.

”Give that back!” Lucius lunged forward, his face twisting in sudden, vicious fury. He raised his cane, intending to strike the elf down.

Dobby didn’t cower. For the first time in his life, the elf stood his ground against Lucius Malfoy. He raised a single, long finger.

BANG.

A shockwave of raw, elven magic erupted from Dobby, blasting Lucius backward. The patriarch of the Malfoy family was thrown off his feet, skidding across the polished marble and crashing heavily into the base of the suit of armor.

Lucius groaned, clutching his ribs, staring up at the tiny creature in absolute, horrified disbelief.

Dobby didn’t wait for him to recover. He turned his massive, tear-filled eyes toward the empty alcove where he knew Orion stood hidden.

He offered a deep, sweeping, profoundly grateful bow.

And with a sharp CRACK, Dobby the Free Elf vanished from Malfoy Manor forever.

Orion, still invisible beneath the cloak, pressed his hand over his mouth to muffle a bark of laughter. He watched his father slowly, painfully scramble to his feet, cursing vividly, before slipping silently away down the corridor toward his bedroom.

That night, safe within the locked confines of his room, Orion sat on his bed, a satisfied smirk still lingering on his lips.

Yes, the Malfoy family had lost a highly skilled, incredibly valuable servant. Yes, Lucius was currently in a foul mood.

But Orion was ecstatic.

CRACK.

Dobby appeared in the center of the room. He was no longer wearing the stained pillowcase. He was wearing the heavy woolen blanket, fashioned into a clumsy but incredibly warm toga. He looked radiant.

”Master Orion!” Dobby squeaked, bounding forward. ”Dobby has done it! Dobby went to Hogwarts! The Headmaster Dumbledore hired Dobby! Dobby is a school elf now! He gets paid one Galleon a week, and he gets weekends off!”

”That is wonderful news, Dobby,” Orion smiled genuinely, leaning forward. ”You deserve it.”

”But Dobby is here to tell Master Orion,” the elf said, his large eyes turning serious and fiercely loyal. ”If Master Orion ever calls for Dobby... Dobby will come. Dobby is a free elf, yes. But Dobby is also Master Orion’s elf in his heart.”

Orion’s smile softened into something incredibly rare for a Slytherin. He truly would have done this a long time ago, if not for the fact that he had needed Dobby to do his part in the Chamber of Secrets Arc of his life.

”Not just my elf, Dobby,” Orion said quietly, extending a hand.

Dobby reached out, his small, spindly fingers wrapping around Orion’s.

”My friend.”

Dobby burst into happy, noisy tears, hugging Orion’s hand to his chest. The canon had been repaired, the abuse had been halted, and the ultimate operative was officially secured.

The summer was already turning out to be quite productive, and it had barely just begun.