Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The Great Hall buzzed with a low, restless energy that morning. The heavy oak doors had barely opened for breakfast before the students poured in, their conversations a rapid-fire exchange of theories and half-heard rumors from the night before.

Orion Malfoy sat at the Slytherin table, his posture relaxed, a cup of Earl Grey steaming gently in front of him. He appeared entirely unbothered by the atmosphere, methodically spreading marmalade on a piece of toast.

Beside him, Draco was practically vibrating, his eyes darting toward the high windows, waiting for the morning post.

”It’s going to be in there,” Draco whispered furiously, tapping his fingers on the wooden table. ”I know it is.”

A sudden rush of wings signaled the arrival of the owls. Hundreds of birds swooped down from the rafters, dropping parcels and letters onto the tables. A large, dignified barn owl landed smoothly in front of Draco, dropping a rolled-up copy of the Daily Prophet before taking off again.

Before Draco could even reach for it, a hand shot out with blinding speed.

Orion snatched the newspaper from the table, smoothly unrolling it with a flick of his wrist.

”Hey!” Draco protested, reaching for the paper. ”I paid for that subscription!”

”Talk to me when you start earning instead of just squandering our Family vaults, Draco,” Orion said mildly, holding the paper out of his brother’s reach without taking his eyes off the front page. ”You can check the sports section when I am finished.”

Draco scowled, crossing his arms, but he leaned closer, trying to read the headline over Orion’s shoulder.

Orion’s blue eyes scanned the bold, moving text.

MINISTRY SECURES HOGWARTS!

CHAMBER OF SECRETS BREACHED, ANCIENT MONSTER SLAIN!

Taking up almost the entire upper half of the front page was a massive, moving photograph. It depicted Cornelius Fudge, wearing his lime-green bowler hat, standing triumphantly next to the colossal, severed head of the Basilisk. The Minister was puffing his chest out and pointing at the fangs, while in the background, a team of Ministry harvesters worked diligently.

”Classic Fudge,” Orion murmured, a dry smirk touching his lips. ”Taking credit for the kill while the real professionals do the heavy lifting in the background.”

He flipped the page.

The second page was dedicated to a lurid, highly sensationalized history of the Chamber of Secrets, complete with dramatic illustrations of Salazar Slytherin and a terrifying breakdown of a Basilisk’s lethality. It detailed the impenetrable scales, the venom that could dissolve goblin silver, and the fatal gaze.

They are certainly hyping the threat level, Orion noted. It makes the Ministry’s victory look all the more impressive.

He turned to the third page.

This was where Rita Skeeter’s particular brand of journalism truly shined.

THE YOUTH VANGUARD: UNLIKELY HEROES IN THE DEPTHS

Below the headline were two candid photographs, clearly snapped by the Prophet photographer in the Chamber.

The first showed Harry Potter, looking pale, standing awkwardly next to a stern-faced Professor McGonagall.

The second photo showed Orion. It was a remarkably good shot, capturing him leaning casually against a stone pillar, his dark robes immaculate, his expression one of cool, aristocratic detachment.

The article beneath detailed their ’key contributions’ to the discovery of the Chamber, painting a picture of inter-house cooperation that Orion found entirely nauseating.

But it was the small, boxed section in the bottom corner of the page that drew Orion’s full attention.

A CLASH OF TITANS IN THE LAVATORY?

Sources within the Ministry report that the discovery of the Chamber was not without its own internal, dramatic complications. It appears that the Boy Who Lived, Mr. Harry Potter, and the brilliant young Slytherin prodigy, Mr. Orion Malfoy, engaged in a fierce magical duel mere moments before the Ministry arrived on the scene.

While the exact nature of the ’misunderstanding’ remains shrouded in Hogwarts secrecy, Ministry officials confirm that the confrontation resulted in significant structural damage to a second-floor lavatory. Furthermore, it has been confirmed by reliable sources that the victor of this impromptu duel was none other than young Mr. Malfoy, who successfully disarmed and restrained Mr. Potter before the authorities intervened.

One must wonder: Is the Golden Boy losing his edge? Or has a new, formidable talent risen in the dungeons of Slytherin?

Orion let out a low, genuine chuckle. He couldn’t help it. The sheer, unadulterated bias of Rita Skeeter’s reporting was a masterpiece. She had taken a brutal, one-sided takedown and framed it as a clash of titans, explicitly highlighting Harry’s defeat and Orion’s victory.

”She really earned her paycheck today,” Orion whispered, tracing the edge of the article with his finger.

Draco, who had been reading over his shoulder, let out a loud, triumphant bark of laughter that echoed down the Slytherin table.

”Did you read that?!” Draco crowed, slapping the table. ”They printed it! ’The victor was none other than young Mr. Malfoy’! You beat Potter, and it’s in the national news!”

Pansy Parkinson leaned over, her eyes wide as she read the passage. ”Oh, Orion, that is brilliant! Well, we already knew how better you are than Potter. But now, the entire wizarding world knows he lost to you!”

The news was spreading rapidly down the table as other students opened their own copies of the Prophet.

Orion folded the newspaper neatly and handed it to Draco. ”As promised. You may now read about the Chudley Cannons.”

As Draco snatched the paper, a familiar, soft chime echoed in Orion’s mind.

DING.

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 1 (Basic)

Name: Mom! Dad! Look, I am in the Newspaper!

Description: You made the news. Not for being the victim of a tragedy, or for winning a spelling bee, but for unequivocally defeating the protagonist of the universe in a duel and having it broadcasted to the entire magical population. You didn’t just beat him; you beat his PR.

Reward: 1x Magical Clipping Frame.

”Check your inventory,” Sparkle’s voice buzzed, sounding amused. ”It’s a neat little trinket.”

Orion opened his mental grid. A small, elegant silver picture frame sat in a new slot.

”It automatically resizes to perfectly fit any newspaper clipping you place inside it,” Sparkle explained. ”And it preserves the magical movement of the photographs indefinitely. No yellowing, no fading.”

”Perfect,” Orion decided instantly. ”I am going to cut out that specific section about the duel and place it in this frame. It will look excellent on my bedside table back at Malfoy Manor. A lovely conversation piece for when Draco or even Lucius complains about Potter’s fame.”

”You are incredibly petty,” Sparkle laughed.

”Yes! I am.” Orion admitted.

At the High Table, Albus Dumbledore stood up. The Great Hall, buzzing with the news of the Chamber and the duel, instantly fell silent.

Dumbledore looked out over the sea of students, his expression a mixture of profound relief and grandfatherly indulgence.

”Good morning, students,” Dumbledore’s voice resonated warmly. ”As I am sure many of you have already discovered in the morning editions... the rumors are true. The Chamber of Secrets debacle is now completely behind us.”

A cheer erupted from the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, a collective release of months of suffocating tension. The Slytherins clapped politely, while the Gryffindors cheered, albeit some of them subdued by the news of their seeker’s defeat.

Dumbledore raised his hands, smiling gently as the noise died down.

”Given the extraordinary nature of these events,” Dumbledore continued, his eyes twinkling brightly behind his half-moon spectacles, ”and considering that today is Friday... I am well aware that your minds are currently occupied with the thrilling details of today’s newspaper, rather than the intricacies of Transfiguration or Potions.”

A murmur of hopeful anticipation rippled through the hall.

”Therefore,” Dumbledore announced, ”normal lectures will resume on Monday.”

A massive roar of approval shook the Great Hall.

Dumbledore waited for the celebration to peak before raising his hands again, his expression turning serious.

”However,” he cautioned, his voice dropping slightly but carrying clearly, ”I must ask for your continued vigilance. Please be aware that there is still a significant Auror presence within the castle and on the grounds.”

He looked sternly across the four tables.

”The individual responsible for opening the Chamber—the so-called Heir of Slytherin—has not yet been apprehended. The Ministry’s investigation is ongoing. Do not hamper the Aurors in their duties. Do not approach the secured areas. And above all... do not trouble them with frivolous requests or rumors.”

Dumbledore smiled again, the tension breaking.

”Now. Enjoy your weekend of rest. You have certainly earned it.”