I Siphon the Dead to Become the Strongest

Good evening, everyone! 🌆

Before we dive into the chapter, I just want to take a moment to wish all of you a peaceful night. May your week be blessed with good health, happiness, and stress-free days ahead. Praying for peace and strength for anyone going through a tough time right now—you’ve got this! 🙏✨

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Lindis jumped nearly a foot into the air, her axe clattering beside her. She spun around to find a young girl staring up at her. She had a spark of mischief in her eyes and a look of curiosity that smelled like trouble.

Lindis blinked, her brain lagging. “Umm... yes...? Who are you??”

Mia frowned, her expression becoming a masterpiece of exaggerated suspicion. She squinted at Lindis, her head tilting like a confused bird.

“I heard you chanting my brother’s name,” Mia said, her voice echoing with a mix of judgment and curiosity. “I came over here to check if I was hallucinating or if I actually heard a group of adults obsessing over a man who spends most of his time in pajamas. And wow... I guess I heard right. You guys are actually chanting.”

Kaela blinked, impressed. “What superb hearing. You’re like a human radar for your brother’s mentions.”

Lindis, meanwhile, was vibrating. She looked like she was about to achieve liftoff. “Your brother’s name... is... E...than?” she whispered, the name sounding like a sacred prayer in her mouth.

“Well, that depends on which Ethan you’re describing,” Mia started, her tone teasing. “Do you mean the E-Ranker who—”

“YES!” Lindis shrieked, cutting her off with the force of a sonic boom.

Zane groaned, slapping a hand over his face. “Isn’t this a bit much, Lindis? Seriously? Can you actually let the girl finish her sentence for once? You’re agreeing way too fast. We haven’t even confirmed it’s the same guy! Can we please wait until she describes him perfectly so we don’t accidentally stalk some other random guy named Ethan who also happens to be bad at his job?”

Mia giggled, seeing how desperate Lindis was. She decided to take her time, leaning back and gesturing with her hands as if she were describing a rare, endangered species.

“Okay, okay. So, is he a guy who looks like he’s constantly calculating how many minutes of sleep he can steal from his day? Does he have a talent for dodging responsibility like it’s a professional sport? Is he a master of the ‘I’m too tired to exist’ facial expression?” Mia looked at them. “So... is that the brother you’re looking for?”

The three of them nodded in perfect, synchronized unison.

In an instant, Lindis lunged forward. She didn’t just shake Mia’s hand; she clasped both of Mia’s hands in a grip of pure, unadultered desperation.

“GYAH!” Mia shouted, her voice peaking as she was nearly lifted off the ground by Lindis’s strength. “Let go! I’m not a stress ball!”

“WHERE IS HE?!” Lindis demanded, her face inches from Mia’s. “What happened to him?! Why hasn’t he met us these past three days?! Did he get kidnapped? Did he find a better group of friends? Why has the world been robbed of his lazy presence?!”

Mia managed to pry her hands free, looking at the distraught pink-haired warrior with a mixture of pity and amusement. “Actually, he just got sick. He’s currently a shivering burrito of misery. I’ve basically forbidden him from leaving the house because I’m afraid he’ll overdo it and actually manage to accidentally kill himself through sheer clumsiness. That wouldn’t be good for my dinner schedule.”

Then, Mia’s eyes twinkled. She saw an opportunity. A glorious, transportation-based opportunity.

“Now, it’s only a few jogs—maybe a little tab—from here,” Mia said, gesturing vaguely toward the direction of their shoebox apartment. “If you’re actually interested in seeing the patient... and if you’re willing to give me a free ride home, I can show you the way.”

As she started to lead them away, Mia added a final, tempting hook. “Oh! And on the way, if you guys want to buy some ingredients for food, please do! My brother is an absolute legend in the kitchen. His cooking is practically S-Rank. Like, seriously, it’s the only thing about him that isn’t E-Rank.”

Zane’s eyes lit up. “S-Rank cooking? Now we’re talking. I’m in.”

Lindis beamed, her determination returning with a vengeance. “S-Rank cooking?! I don’t care if we have to buy the entire grocery store! Zane! Kaela! We’re going shopping! We are bringing the finest vegetables known to man to the sick-bed of the Great Lazy One!”

...

The atmosphere in the apartment had shifted from ”cozy shoebox” to ”sardine can” the moment Zane and Kaela stepped inside.

Zane was currently folded into a position that defied human anatomy, his knees practically touching his chin as he perched on the edge of a tiny stool. “I’m convinced this isn’t an apartment,” Zane muttered, glancing around the cramped space. “It’s a social experiment to see how many high-rank hunters can fit into a single postage stamp.”

Kaela, who was somehow managing to look elegant while leaning against a wall that was slightly peeling, just smiled. “I know, it’s a bit tight. But I’m not here for the architecture, Zane. I’m here for the S-Rank feast.”

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Ethan stood frozen, staring at the countertop with a look of absolute betrayal. He was still wearing his sick-day pajamas, and his hair looked like a bird had attempted to nest in it and then given up.

“How did this happen?” Ethan whispered to the ceiling, his voice trembling with a mix of exhaustion and disbelief. “I know I’m slowly getting okay, but for the love of god... what is my little sister made of? Is she a demon? A capitalist? A tiny, adorable war criminal?”

He looked down at the mountain of groceries Mia had successfully extorted from the group. It wasn’t just a few bags; it was a culinary hoard. There were marbled cuts of beef that probably cost more than his monthly rent, crisp, vibrant vegetables that looked like they had been grown in a magical forest, and an array of spices that could probably flavor a whole city.

Ethan sighed, but as he looked at the premium beef, a small, opportunistic glint appeared in his eyes. Well... I can’t exactly say no to this. I’m not wasting a single gram of this meat. If these weirdos keep bringing me a grocery store’s worth of ingredients every time they visit, I’ll cook for them every single day. I’ll be a professional chef for the lazy if it means I never have to buy cabbage again.

Then, the magic began.

Ethan moved with a sudden, fluid precision that contradicted his earlier slug behavior. He started with the rice, steaming it to a perfect, fluffy consistency. Then came the vegetables: carrots, spinach, and bean sprouts were sautéed rapidly in a searing pan, the hiss of the heat filling the room. Each vegetable was cooked just enough to retain its snap, glazed in a light touch of sesame oil that sent a nutty, intoxicating aroma wafting through the apartment.

Then came the star of the show—the beef. He sliced the marbled meat into thin, delicate strips and tossed them into a sizzling pan with a homemade marinade of soy sauce, brown sugar, and minced garlic. The sizzle was aggressive, the meat caramelizing instantly under the high heat, creating a rich, savory scent that made Zane’s stomach growl loud enough to be heard in the next building.

As he assembled the Bimbap, layering the colorful vegetables over the rice and crowning it with the glistening, savory beef and a perfectly runny fried egg, the smell was absolutely devastating. It was a symphony of garlic, sesame, and toasted meat that promised a culinary heaven.

But as Ethan was just about to add the final touch of gochujang, he felt a sudden, overwhelming presence behind him.

“I can cook too!” Lindis announced, her voice vibrating right next to his ear. “I mean, I’m not this good, but I want to learn from you! I’m going to watch you closely! Very closely!”

Ethan stiffened. He didn’t just feel her presence; he felt her entire existence. Lindis was pressed firmly against his back, her chest acting like two massive, soft pillows that completely erased any concept of ”personal space.”

He could feel the warmth of her breath on his neck and the softness of her frame pushing him forward toward the stove.

“Yeah... I know you want to learn,” Ethan stammered, his face turning a shade of red that rivaled the gochujang sauce. “But... isn’t this a bit too close? Like, I can feel your heart beating. I can feel your soul beating. Could you maybe move back about... three to five business days?”

Lindis looked genuinely confused, her big eyes blinking with a purity that was almost criminal. She didn’t move an inch; if anything, she leaned in further, her presence completely engulfing Ethan’s personal space.

“What is the problem?” Lindis asked, her voice sounding like a bewildered puppy. “How am I supposed to observe the intricate nuances of your culinary genius if I don’t get close enough? Precision requires proximity, Ethan! I need to see exactly how you tilt the pan! I need to smell the garlic at the source!”

Ethan, who was currently being pinned against the kitchen counter by a wall of soft, pink-haired energy, felt his brain short-circuit. He turned his head just enough to look at her, his expression a mixture of horror and sheer bewilderment.

“Yeah, well, let’s just say your definition of ‘close’ is a bit extreme!” Ethan sputtered, his voice hitting a pitch usually reserved for tea kettles. “Your definition of ‘observing’ is literally having your BOOBS hitting my back! I can’t focus on the rice when I’m being suffocated by... by curvaceous geography!”

Lindis paused. She looked down at her own chest, then back at Ethan, her head tilting with a look of pure, unadulterated innocence.

“You mean... these two?” she asked.

And then, in a display of enthusiasm that should have been illegal in a confined space, Lindis did a little excited hop.

BOING.

The world seemed to slow down. It was a seismic event. As she jumped, her pink hair swayed in a perfect arc, and her—well, her magnificent assets—bounced with a smooth, rhythmic oscillation that defied the laws of physics and gravity. It wasn’t just a bounce; it was a coordinated orbital event.

Ethan froze. His brain simply stopped working. He stayed there for a solid three seconds, eyes wide, staring into the void of his own consciousness as his internal processing unit crashed.

Then, the pressure became too much.

SPLAT!

A geyser of blood erupted from Ethan’s nose with the force of a fire hydrant, spraying across the kitchen tiles. He didn’t even have time to scream; he just tipped backward, falling like a felled tree, landing flat on his back with a dull thump.

The silence that followed lasted for exactly one second before it was shattered by the most violent laughter the apartment had ever witnessed.

“PFFFFFFFFT—HAAAAAHAHAHAHA!”

Zane didn’t just laugh; he collapsed. He fell off his stool with a loud THUMP and started rolling on the floor, making sounds like a dying seagull. “HE—HE JUST—THE NOSE! THE NOSE EXPLODED!” he wheezed, slapping the floor in hysterics.

Kaela wiped a tear from her eye, looking down at the defeated, bleeding heap that was Ethan. “I’m so sorry, Ethan! Truly! But you have to understand... she’s just too innocent. She has absolutely zero concept of how she affects men. That’s basically the primary part of her charm!”

Ethan, lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling with a piece of tissue shoved up his nose, let out a long, rattling sigh.

Ethan, lying on the floor and staring blankly at the ceiling while blood slowly leaked from his nose, let out a long, exhausted groan.

“Well... yeah... I can see that...” he rasped, his voice sounding like he had just swallowed a handful of gravel. “But seriously... since when is that much ‘innocence’ legal? Is there a law against being that dangerously oblivious? I think I just had a stroke... and I’m pretty sure I can see a white light... and it looks like a giant piece of fried chicken...”

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Author’s Note

Oho~ So... is Lindis taking the lead for best girl now, or what? 🫣

You can’t tell me that ’curvaceous geography’ scene didn’t sway a few votes! Drop your thoughts below! 💬🔥