I'm Just an Innkeeper, Why Are You All Kneeling?

The morning after the Golden Jade Teahouse burned to the ground, the air in town smelled sharply of charred wood, melted gold, and profound existential defeat.

Lin Fan stood on his porch, holding a steaming mug of ordinary water, watching a gentle breeze scatter the ashes of his former competition across the empty dirt road. Next door, Sect Master Lu was already hard at work, loudly directing four disciples as they hammered the frame of the new Heavenly Cloud Bakery together.

It was peaceful. It was quiet. It was completely ruined the moment the bandit leader marched up to the porch, snapped his heels together, and presented a stack of parchment with both hands.

”Owner! The promotional flyers are ready for distribution!”

Lin Fan lowered his mug. He took the top piece of parchment.

It was drawn in heavy, aggressive black ink. In the center was a crude but recognizable sketch of the Golden Jade Teahouse entirely engulfed in flames. Above the fire, written in a font that looked suspiciously like dripping blood, were the words:

DRINK OWNER LIN’S TEA. OR WE WILL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN INSIGNIFICANCE.

Lin Fan stared at the flyer. He looked at the smoking crater down the road. He looked at the bandit leader, whose chest was puffed out with immense corporate pride.

”Who,” Lin Fan asked slowly, ”wrote this?”

”Lord Crimson advised us on the wording,” the bandit beamed. ”He said a good advertisement must capture the essence of the business. The essence of this business, he explained, is absolute dominance over the life and death of all who oppose it.”

Crimson drifted silently out the front door, wearing his apron with the solemnity of a battle general’s armor. ”It is a fair and accurate representation of yesterday’s events, Owner. We offer tea. If they refuse, we offer the void.”

”We are a hospitality establishment,” Lin Fan said, crumbling the flyer into a ball. ”We do not threaten the customers with the void. We do not use the charred remains of our rivals as a marketing strategy. And where did you even get red ink?”

The bandit leader suddenly found the porch floorboards fascinating. ”A chicken may have been… reallocated for market research.”

Lin Fan rubbed the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache setting in that not even a full night’s sleep had cured. ”Burn the flyers. All of them. Just go stand by the main road and tell people we have fresh bread and new tea. Use your words. Smiling words.”

The bandit leader nodded gravely, clearly interpreting ’smiling words’ as a new, advanced psychological torture technique.

Lin Fan turned and walked back inside, heading straight for the counter. It was time to investigate what, exactly, the System had unlocked as a reward for his accidental, terror-induced monopoly.

He opened the storage cabinet. Sitting on the middle shelf, next to the standard supply of basic tea leaves, was a small, elegant wooden tin that hadn’t been there yesterday.

[Green Heart Tea]

[Quality: Superior]

[Brewing Requirement: Boiling spring water, three breaths of steeping.]

[Designated Menu Price: 5 Low-grade Spirit Stones per pot.]

Five stones. Lin Fan raised an eyebrow. That was steep for a rural farming town, but considering traveling cultivators were now treating his teahouse like a pilgrimage site, it was probably pocket change to them.

He popped the lid off the tin.

The scent hit him instantly. It wasn’t overpowering. It was just… incredibly clean. It smelled like the first deep breath of air after a heavy summer thunderstorm. A knot in Lin Fan’s shoulders he hadn’t even realized he was carrying simply melted away.

He set the tin down, thoroughly impressed. ”Now that’s a good tea.”

In the corner of the room, someone let out a ragged, desperate gasp.

Lin Fan looked over. Elder Mo was still there. The elderly formation master had not moved from his chair in twenty-four hours. He had spent the entire night sitting bolt upright, hands folded strictly in his lap, terrified that if he accidentally bumped the cosmic-grade table or looked too closely at the world-ending landscape painting, his soul would be annihilated. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin was pale, and his Dao Heart was hanging on by a literal thread.

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But right now, Elder Mo was leaning forward, his nose twitching frantically toward the counter.

”What...” Elder Mo croaked, his voice raw from disuse. ”What is that?”

”Green Heart Tea,” Lin Fan said, retrieving a fresh teapot. ”Just got it in. Five low-grade stones a pot.”

Elder Mo’s trembling hand reached into his robes and slapped a glowing, brilliant mid-grade Spirit Stone onto the table. ”Brew it! Please! Keep the whole stone! I don’t need change!”

A single mid-grade Spirit Stone was worth a hundred low-grade Spirit Stones.

Lin Fan’s eyes instantly lit up. A ninety-five stone tip?! His heart soared with pure, unadulterated corporate joy. He reached out to scoop the glowing blue gem off the table, a genuine, radiant smile spreading across his face—

BZZZZZZZZT!

A translucent, blood-red System box detonated directly in front of his eyes, complete with a loud, blaring alarm that sounded like a dying air horn.

[WARNING: ILLEGAL PRICE GOUGING / EXTORTION DETECTED!]

[System Directive 4, Clause 2: The Owner is strictly prohibited from accepting tips, overpayments, or extortionate compensation above the designated menu price.]

[Violation Penalty: Immediate 100,000-Volt Heavenly Lightning Bolt delivered directly to the Owner’s pelvis.]

Lin Fan’s hand froze two inches from the stone. His smile died instantly.

He stared at the words Heavenly Lightning Bolt to the pelvis.

A cold sweat broke out across his forehead. His face went through five distinct stages of grief in under half a second: shock, denial, rage, despair, and finally, a hollow, soul-crushing acceptance.

Lin Fan slowly withdrew his hand. He gritted his teeth so hard his jaw creaked, reached beneath the counter, and pulled out nineties-five low-grade Spirit Stones from yesterday’s earnings.

He pushed the pile of nineties-five low-grade stones—along with the mid-grade stone—back toward Elder Mo.

”Five. Low-grade. Stones. Only,” Lin Fan squeezed out through clenched teeth, his voice trembling with deep, agonizing emotional damage as he physically forced himself to count out five plain stones from Elder Mo’s hand.

Elder Mo stared at the returned fortune in utter shock.

He refused a mid-grade stone? He demands exact change down to the copper?! Elder Mo’s eyes went wide with pure, tearful reverence. He isn’t just a grandmaster of tea... he is a saint untainted by the mortal filth of wealth! He treats a priceless mid-grade stone like dirt! What sublime spiritual purity!

”Senior...” Elder Mo wept softly, clutching his ninety-five stones back to his chest. ”Your detachment from worldly greed shines brighter than the sun itself! I am ashamed of my crude, wealthy arrogance!”

Lin Fan looked at him with dead eyes, his soul bleeding internally. ”Yes. Purity. Right. Please just let me brew the tea before I cry.”

Lin Fan moved to the stove, poured fresh water into the kettle, and waited for it to boil. When it bubbled, he scooped a small pinch of the green leaves into the clay pot and poured the water over them.

The reaction was immediate.

A pale, emerald mist drifted up from the spout. It rolled over the counter, spilling across the floorboards like a slow-moving tide.

By the door, Crimson abruptly froze. His hand drifted away from the hilt of his sword. His red eyes, normally sharp with the constant, simmering urge to murder anything that looked at Lin Fan wrong, went entirely round.

”I...” Crimson murmured, staring at his own hands. ”I do not wish to stab anyone.”

He looked utterly horrified by this development.

The emerald mist reached Elder Mo. The old man inhaled deeply, his eyes fluttering shut.

The terrifying loop of cosmic pressure crushing Elder Mo’s mind vanished. In its place was a quiet, sunlit meadow. The tea gently patted him on the head and told him not to worry about the universe.

Lin Fan walked over and set the teapot down. Elder Mo picked up the cup with both hands and drank it down in one gulp.

A deafening CRACK echoed through the teahouse.

A violent shockwave of spiritual energy exploded outward from Elder Mo’s body. The chairs rattled. The windows shuddered. Outside, Sect Master Lu dropped his hammer and spun toward the teahouse.

Elder Mo was glowing. His white hair began to show streaks of iron-gray at the roots. The wrinkles around his eyes softened. He was breaking through, adding a century to his lifespan right in the middle of the dining room.

A localized whirlwind of spiritual energy formed, picking up the leftover flour dust from the floor and spinning it into a miniature tornado.

”Not the floor!” Lin Fan yelled over the roaring wind. ”I just swept that!”

Elder Mo opened his eyes, brimming with unimaginable power. He dropped to his knees, pressing his forehead flat against the flour-dusted floorboards.

”Senior Lin!” Elder Mo wept. ”You have given me rebirth! Please, allow me to compensate you for the mess! I have three spiritual treasures and a bag of high-grade stones!”

He reached into his sleeve to dump a small mountain of treasure onto the table.

Red warning light flashed furiously in Lin Fan’s vision.

[WARNING: OVERPAYMENT DETECTED! PREPARE LIGHTNING STRIKE—]

”DO NOT TOUCH THAT SLEEVE!” Lin Fan shrieked, lunging across the counter and violently grabbing Elder Mo’s wrists. ”NO TREASURES! NO TIPS! DO NOT BRING LIGHTNING DOWN ON MY SHOP!”

Elder Mo froze, looking at Lin Fan’s panicked, desperate face.

He refuses even a token of gratitude for saving my life? Elder Mo thought, his heart swelling to near-bursting. He values my humble cultivation path over all the riches in the world! What a truly noble immortal!

”I understand, Senior,” Elder Mo whispered, bowing so low his nose touched the dust. ”I shall leave quietly, carrying your lesson of supreme humility in my heart forever.”

Lin Fan slumped over the counter, gasping for air as the red warning text slowly faded away.

[Customer hospitality interaction recorded.]

[Revenue recognized: 5 Low-grade Spirit Stones. (Exact Menu Price Complied)]

[Dao Heart Cleansed. Customer Lifespan Increased.]

[Hospitality Points: 200 → 450.]

[New System Upgrade Available: Courtyard Expansion.]

Lin Fan stared at the 5 low-grade stones sitting lonely on the counter.

”Crimson,” Lin Fan rasped.

”Yes, Owner.”

”Go tell Sect Master Lu to pause the bakery. We are expanding the shop, and I need a drink.”