I'm Just an Innkeeper, Why Are You All Kneeling?

Chapter 15: The Art of the DealThe first official staff meeting of the Lin Fan Teahouse convened before dawn, mostly because Crimson had stood at the foot of the bandits’ beds radiating silent killing intent until they woke up.Lin Fan stood at the front of the main room, tapping a piece of charcoal against a newly procured wooden slate. He had managed to sweep up most of the flour that had coated half his own floor, though the air still smelled faintly of baked goods and impending violence.Crimson sat in the front row, his back completely straight, looking exactly like a man who had just been handed a sword. The five reformed bandits sat behind him, holding their mops like a very committed cleaning brigade awaiting orders to march. Sect Master Lu had also let himself in, wearing his gray baker’s apron and holding a freshly baked, perfectly round loaf of bread like a royal seal.”Lu, you don’t even work here,” Lin Fan said, too tired to enforce his own boundaries.”We are allied sects,” Lu replied solemnly, setting the loaf on the table. It didn’t make the terrifying thud of a wooden plank falling on stone, which Lin Fan considered a massive victory. ”Your enemies are my enemies. I brought provisions for the siege.”Lin Fan pointed his charcoal at the window, where the large, gold-lettered sign of the Golden Jade Teahouse glinted down the road.”They are charging one low-grade Spirit Stone for tea,” Lin Fan said. ”My tea costs two.”Crimson’s red eyes narrowed. ”A clear declaration of war.””It’s a price war,” Lin Fan corrected immediately. ”And we are going to fight it like normal, upstanding business people. No swords. No arson. Nobody gets buried behind the bakery.”The bandit leader, who had been instinctively mapping out an infiltration route, lowered his hand with visible disappointment. ”Owner, if we don’t sever their supply lines, how do we win?””With a Loyalty Program,” Lin Fan announced, writing the words on the slate.The room stared at him.”Is that a blood oath?” the youngest bandit whispered, gripping his broom tight. ”I’m not good with blood.”Lin Fan rubbed the bridge of his nose. ”No. It means if a customer buys ten cups of tea, they get the eleventh free. It builds returning clientele.”Crimson analyzed this deeply. ”We hostage their future. They are bound to us by a debt of ten, chased forever by the phantom of the eleventh. Brilliant, Owner. A psychological suppression array.””It’s just a punch card, Crimson.””I will punch them myself,” Crimson offered, entirely sincere.”Nobody is punching the customers!” Lin Fan took a breath. ”Moving on. Upselling. When someone buys tea, we offer them something else. Like bread.” He gestured to Lu.Sect Master Lu nodded proudly. ”My Dough Suppression techniques have stabilized. The crust receives a longer bake.” He tapped the massive wooden board strapped to his back, which Lin Fan noted with a spike of exhaustion was still carved with the enormous characters: OWNER LIN: PRETTY GOOD.”Exactly,” Lin Fan said, actively ignoring the board. ”They buy tea, they buy bread. We increase the average transaction value. Better service beats cheaper tea. That’s how we win.”The bell above the door jingled.A man stepped in, wearing silk robes so brightly green he looked like a walking, arrogant cabbage. He carried an expensive paper fan, which he snapped shut as he surveyed the plain chairs and simple cups. He was, unmistakably, the manager of the Golden Jade Teahouse, come to survey his conquered territory.”So,” the Cabbage sneered. ”This is the competition. I heard a mortal was trying to peddle tea for two stones. I came to see the joke for myself.”He completely failed to read the room’s atmosphere. He didn’t notice Sect Master Lu, a legendary cultivator, quietly adjusting his apron. He didn’t notice the five bandits slowly reaching for where their weapons used to be. And he definitely didn’t notice Crimson, whose killing intent was currently dense enough to visibly warp the light around the teacups.”I’ll take a cup,” the manager scoffed, tossing a single Spirit Stone onto the nearest table. ”Though I doubt it’s worth even this.”Lin Fan calmly slid the stone back. ”Two stones. Price is on the wall.”The manager laughed, a sharp, grating sound. ”Two stones for dirty water in a shack? My teahouse serves spirit-infused spring water!”Over in the corner, Elder Mo—who had been sitting perfectly still since yesterday, too terrified to even touch his cup—let out a soft, whimpering sound.The manager finally looked at him. ”Hey old man, why are you shaking? Is the tea poisoned?”Elder Mo slowly lifted his head, his eyes glassy and hollow. ”It is perfect,” he whispered, staring at his teacup where not one drop of steam escaped. ”It is the Dao. We are but dust before the tea.” The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. The manager blinked. ”Right. Crazy old man.”He threw a second stone onto the counter. ”Fine. Impress me, mortal.”Lin Fan poured a cup. He slid it across the table.The manager picked it up with a dramatic sigh and took a sip.He froze completely.The teacup in his hand suddenly felt heavier than a mountain. The mundane interior of the teahouse vanished from his senses, replaced by the crushing, endless weight of cosmic balance—Yin folding into Yang, chaos and order locking together. He saw the vastness of the universe. He saw his own absolute, pathetic insignificance.He choked, his fingers going numb, dropping the cup.Before it could hit the ground, Crimson’s hand shot out and caught it. Not a single drop spilled.”If you break it,” Crimson whispered, his red eyes boring directly into the man’s fractured soul, ”Owner deducts the cost. And I do not know how much that would be.”The manager’s knees buckled. He looked frantically toward the kitchen, where a single drawer sat slightly open, radiating an impossible line of Absolute Severance. He looked at the simple landscape painting on the wall, which his suddenly terror-fueled senses recognized as a world-ending treasure.”Do you want a loyalty card?” one of the bandits asked helpfully, stepping forward with a blank piece of paper and a very sharp wooden skewer poised over it. ”I get to punch you if you say yes.”The manager screamed.He scrambled backward, hit the doorframe, scrambled upright, and sprinted down the dirt road so fast his green robes whipped behind him like a frightened flag.The room sat in silence for a long moment.Crimson set the saved teacup back on the table. ”His mental foundation was weak.”Sect Master Lu sighed, picking up his loaf of bread. ”He didn’t even try the crust.”Lin Fan walked back behind the counter, picking up his rag. ”Well. At least he paid.”Ten minutes later, someone screamed outside.Lin Fan paused mid-wipe. A thick, billowing pillar of black smoke was rising into the sky just down the road. It smelled heavily of burning silk, expensive wood, and panic.He walked to the window and pushed it open.The Golden Jade Teahouse was completely engulfed in a raging inferno. The newly erected, expensive-looking gold-lettered sign was currently melting into a puddle of slag on the dirt road.A crowd of townspeople and traveling cultivators had already formed a wide circle around the blaze. Lin Fan squinted through the smoke. Standing dead center in front of the burning building, holding a blazing torch and laughing maniacally, was the cabbage-robed manager.”Manager Wang!” a local merchant yelled over the roaring flames. ”What happened?! Why did you burn your shop?!””A SHOP?!” the manager shrieked, his eyes wild and completely unhinged. ”WHAT IS A SHOP? WHAT IS TEA?! We are nothing! We are but dust drifting in the cosmic void! How can I charge one Spirit Stone for my pathetic, arrogant water when true perfection sits next door?! My existence is an insult to the heavens! I must cleanse the impurity!”He threw the torch into the remaining half of his roof, which promptly collapsed in a shower of brilliant sparks. The crowd took a collective, horrified step backward.Lin Fan stared at the blazing wreckage of his only competitor. He slowly closed the window.He turned around to find all five bandits and Crimson staring at him.The bandit leader swallowed hard. He took a hesitant step forward, dropping to one knee. His voice trembled with a level of pure, unadulterated awe previously reserved only for angry gods.”Owner,” the bandit whispered. ”My brothers and I used to burn down merchant stalls for protection money. We used torches. We used oil. We used threats.”He looked back at the window, where the orange glow of the fire was illuminating the plain wooden walls of Lin Fan’s teahouse.”You didn’t even have to raise your hand,” the bandit said, his voice dropping to a terrified hush. ”You didn’t use fire. You didn’t use a blade. You burned down our biggest rival... using nothing but a single cup of tea. Your demonic path is profound. Your cruelty touches the heavens.”Lin Fan opened his mouth to explain that he had absolutely nothing to do with a grown man setting his own business on fire. He looked at the kneeling bandits. He looked at Crimson, who was nodding in deep, respectful agreement.He closed his mouth.[Aggressive market dominance achieved.][Competitor business model: Incinerated.][Hospitality Points: 157 → 200.][Green Heart Tea condition met. Item Unlocked.]Lin Fan rubbed his temples, finally accepting that he was never, ever going to have a normal business.”Alright,” Lin Fan sighed. ”Who wants to learn how to make a promotional flyer?”All five bandits snapped to attention, grabbed their brooms, and gave him a full formal salute.