The Overlord of Puluo

”Can’t you see I’m busy?” Li Banfeng said irritably as he tidied the newspapers.

”To save my darling Li, I left my home ah~ Yet darling Li rose high, crowned top scholar in the imperial hall ah~

”Hey ya~ my good husband, beneath the candle’s glow, are you studying still for that grand exam~?”

She can even sing Huangmei opera[1], Li Banfeng thought. ”I am not studying for the imperial exam. I am checking how many enemies I have.”

The more he read, the more the rigid and tense his expression grew.

The gramophone hissed and released a puff of steam. Then, keeping a steady rhythm, it began to sing.

”Fear not the many foes that come our way~

”If one appears, my husband shall strike one down~

”If two appear, he shall strike a pair~

”But don’t be too cruel, spare a breath~

We’ll bring a dish home for our meal today~”

Li Banfeng sat beside the gramophone, caressing the side of its wooden cabinet with a rueful smile. ”Wifey, exactly. That’s my plan. But all my enemies are stronger than me. If I can’t kill them, who’s going to bring you any ingredients? No enemies, no dinner.”

Pop... crackle... pop...

The gramophone let out a few hissing laughs.

Li Banfeng frowned. ”What are you laughing at?”

”My husband, your hand is on my armpit.”

Li Banfeng flinched and jerked his hand back

That’s where its armpit is? Then what about the other parts? Li Banfeng wondered as he brushed his hands over the gramophone’s wooden casing, causing the gramophone to giggle nonstop.

Clang clang clang~

”Husband dear~ No more fooling around! Listen to this little wife of yours. Since you’re a Homebound Cultivator, don’t be venturing outside. Stay at home, keep me company~ And your cultivation shall naturally rise~”

She doesn’t know I’m a Wanderlust Cultivator? Ah. Dark Matter can’t be observed, so no one can tell what kind of cultivation someone practices. The gramophone probably really doesn’t know that I am a Wanderlust Cultivator

Li Banfeng took out a purple pill and asked, ”Wifey, I want to raise my cultivation faster. If I take this pill, it should help, right?”

”How could such a thing, such a thing, such a thing be said~~” the gramophone sang, though her voice stuttered and repeated, as if caught in a glitch.

”Wifey, what’s wrong? Why are you stammering?” Li Banfeng asked in concern.

”My... my husband, oil your little wife a bit.”

Li Banfeng hurried to fetch the oil bottle and opened the back compartment of the gramophone.

Inside, rows of connecting rods and interlocking gears filled the cramped space, forming a complex mechanical system. Not knowing where to start, Li Banfeng just oiled whatever he could reach.

”Husband dear~ That gear is vital, don’t be stingy, oil it well~

”Husband dear~ That drain valve is key, don’t be hasty, don’t be rash~

”Husband dear~ Gentle, gentle with that bearing~

”My husband~ ah... my husbaaaand~~”

A few minutes later, Li Banfeng sat by the bed with the oil can in hand. His expression was calm as he said, ”Wifey, can you say something a bit more proper? I’m listening seriously here.”

”Proper? Why should we be so serious?”

Clang, clang~

The gramophone fell silent for a few seconds before asking, ”Husband, what about your pants here?”

Li Banfeng’s voice dropped low. ”Naturally... you’re going to wash them for me.”

The gramophone seemed rather displeased as she let out a puff of steam. However, she didn’t mention Li Banfeng’s pants again.

Clang, clang, clang~

”Hey yaaaaaa~ Husband dear, this pill is called the Purple Radiance Pill~

”To the ordinary folk, it’s worth a thousand gold~

”But to you, my husband, it’s worth not a thing~”

”Why do you say that?”

”For ordinary people, taking this pill would be equal to gaining a month’s worth of cultivation.”

A month’s cultivation? Li Banfeng’s heart skipped a beat.

A single Mystic Blazing Pill can give me ten days of cultivation and be sold for a hundred and fifty thousand. So if this Purple Radiance Pill gives me a month... How much is that even worth?

The money didn’t matter. What really mattered was the cultivation. If he took a few more of these, his level would shoot up in no time.

But the gramophone sang, ”Hey, husband dear~ You are a Homebound Cultivator~ Your cultivation must rise through our harmony together~ Together we rise, together we shine~ Taking pills won’t help, not even one~”

So Homebound Cultivators can’t take pills, huh?

Ma Wu did say that Homebound Cultivation is unique... their cultivation depends entirely on their dwelling spirit.

”Since I can’t take it, then you should have it, wifey.” With that, Li Banfeng moved to drop the pill into the gramophone’s water tank.

Whoosh~ A cloud of steam rose up, blocking his way.

The gramophone let out two soft laughs.

”Husband dear~ Truly devoted you are~

”Your tender love moves your little wife’s heart afar~

”Take this pill, sell it for silver in the market square~

”Mortals see it as treasure, but to me, it’s dust and tile~”

No different from dust and tile? Li Banfeng snorted softly. This pill could sell for five hundred thousand!

He put it away, but a sudden thought crossed his mind. If my Homebound Cultivation can’t use it... maybe it’ll work for my Wanderlust Cultivation instead? If it can boost my Wanderlust Cultivation, that would still be a good thing. Better not let this little wifey see it. I’ll find a chance another day to take the pill.

Li Banfeng went back to flipping through the newspaper again. Perhaps because he had oiled the gramophone earlier, she seemed unusually attentive to him that day.

”Husband dear~ Tell me, what sort of enemies are they?”

Li Banfeng then introduced the few people from the Jiangxiang Gang. ”One’s a third-level martial cultivator serving as the Crimson Staff Enforcer. Another’s a second-level Ascetic Cultivator with the title of Virtuous Adept; and the last is a second-level Nightfiend Cultivator with the title of Wind Watcher.”

Pop... crackle... pop...

The gramophone laughed softly, then sang, ”Hoooooooooo~ The Crimson Staff Enforcer fights~ The Virtuous Adept judges, and the Wind Watcher keeps watch~ Years may pass, yet the rules of the great gangs stay the same~

”Husband dear~ Best not provoke that third-level Martial Cultivator~ In a head-on fight, you’ll surely lose~

”Husband dear~ Best stay away from that Ascetic Cultivator~ The Ascetic Cultivator walks a peculiar path, one that restrains the Homebound Cultivation~

”But that Nightfiend Cultivator~ Ah, he cannot be spared~ Though he’s only second-level, there’s still a chance you will win.”

This matched Li Banfeng’s own thoughts exactly.

Li Banfeng nodded. ”I have yin-yang eyes and that will hold him down a little. He’s the first one I’ve chosen as a target. However, he is still a second-level cultivator, and I will still be at a disadvantage if I fight him directly.”

”Hey yaaaaa~ Husband dear, a head-on fight won’t do~ Sweep away the little ghosts around him first~ Since he’s at the dancehall, this little wife has a plan~”

”Wifey dear~ I’m all ears. What’s your clever plan?”

”Husband dear~ Lean closer, come near~ Listen well to what you hear~”

Li Banfeng pressed his ear to the horn, listening as the gramophone softly sang The Wandering Songstress.

”Husband dear~ Buy a blank record, a fine vinyl, and fit it with a hard stylus~”

A hard stylus? Li Banfeng thought. At once, he understood what the gramophone meant.

”Wifey, are you going to record something onto the disc?”

When Li Banfeng pulled away, his ear was flushed red from the steam’s heat.

Clang, clang~

”Husband dear~ You are absolutely right.”

Li Banfeng nodded and rubbed his reddened ear. ”It’s just the two of us here. No one’s eavesdropping. Why must I press my ear right against you?”

The gramophone cooed playfully, ”Because whispering ear to ear is what shows true wedded affection~~”

***

The next afternoon, Li Banfeng went to Yuanzheng Street, where he bought a blank record and two hard styluses from a record store.

When late night came, he put on his beige checkered suit and gray fedora, then made his way to the Elysian Melody Dancehall.

It was really easy to locate the Elysian Melody Dancehall. It stood at the very end of Memorial Arch Street, surrounded by a wide open garden with no other buildings nearby.

As a pure-hearted young man, Li Banfeng firmly believed that the Elysian Melody Dancehall was a place devoted to the study of music.

Indeed, the place did not disappoint. Before him stood a three-story mansion with a pointed roof, built of brick and timber. The architecture was a blend of Chinese and Western styles, appearing extremely refined and elegant.

The first floor had long, straight lines that gave it a bright and spacious feel. The second floor’s rounded curves were soft and smooth, adding a sense of depth. The third floor’s lines gradually drew inward, converging at the pointed roof in sharp, clean angles.

Seeing this, Li Banfeng thought, A building with such an artistic design must be running an honest business.

As he climbed the stone steps, two young women came forward to greet him before he even reached the door.

”This way, sir. Is there a lady you know well?” one of them asked.

Li Banfeng smiled slightly. ”It’s my first time here.”

The two women exchanged a shy smile and led him into the main hall.

Just because they had asked about familiar ladies didn’t mean the place was shady. Perhaps those ladies were simply here to study music.

When he stepped inside, a wave of warmth brushed against him. The candlelight was dim and soft, filling the hall with a quiet glow. A gentle melody drifted through the air.

He looked around. Several couples were dancing on the red carpet with their bodies swaying back and forth close together. Seeing how tightly they held each other, he thought they were simply lost in the music.

All his focus was on the music as he searched for its source.

There is no orchestra in sight, so where is this music coming from? Li Banfeng wondered.

Then he noticed a large gramophone by the staircase. A man in a white suit stood beside it, slowly turning the crank. The tune rose and fell in time with his movements.

It was a hand-cranked gramophone, and the tempo depended entirely on the skill of the person operating it. This was a type of gramophone that really tested one’s skill.

Li Banfeng’s brow relaxed, and a faint smile appeared on his face.

Li Banfeng’s expression softened into a faint smile. This was exactly why he had come to the Elysian Melody Dancehall. Without the gramophone, the entire trip would have been wasted.

A woman approached with a sweet smile and asked, ”Sir, care to dance?”

By common etiquette, Li Banfeng should never refuse when a lady takes the initiative to invite a man to dance. However, his upbringing kept him from accepting, because he didn’t know how to dance.

Li Banfeng answered truthfully, ”Sorry, miss. I don’t know how to dance.”

”Don’t worry, I’ll teach you,” the woman said, taking his hand and guiding him to the middle of the dance floor. She set his arm around her slender waist, and they started to sway with the rhythm.

Dancing wasn’t so hard after all. All Li Banfeng had to do was hold tight and move along with the music. As a Wanderlust Cultivator, his footing was naturally steady.

The lady was, quite literally, a woman with a big ”heart.” As she followed the rhythm, that ”heart” swayed back and forth with the music and brushed gently against Li Banfeng’s arms.

Just dance, will you? Stop touching me all over, Li Banfeng thought. His eyes never left the gramophone. To him, that machine was far more beautiful than the lady in his arms.

1. Huangmei opera (黄梅戏) is a traditional Chinese opera style that originated in Anhui Province, particularly around the Huangmei region, during the Qing Dynasty. The gramophone is performing a playful parody of the famous Huangmei opera song ”Who Would Have Thought He’d Be Crowned Top Scholar” from The Female Prince Consort (女驸马). Check out the first few lines of this youtube video to listen to how the gramophone was singing! ☜