Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

This is right about where you’d expect me to say something about my mouth writing checks my ass can’t cash, but really I’m feeling pretty good about shit for once.

No, really, Saffron agreed to plan ’No U Norfolk’ with me being the ultimate Uno Reverse Card, and if everybody else was kinda floored by the idea that I looked forward to something the Marshall was manly enough to be openly afraid of? I’d managed to piss the man himself off enough that I was pretty sure he’d do his dead level best to put me in the Infirmary for long enough for me to forget about the plan. Or, really, long enough for Saffron to forget about it, because let’s face it, long enough for me to forget about shit could be six seconds sitting on Saffron.

Simple woman, easily distracted, thy name is Tabitha.

Last night at dinner we had some fun playing ’toss food at Isnomi’, since that gave us the best possible excuse for giving extra food to the kid going through a growth spurt. By the time we finished, she looked just a little bit knackered, so Saffron scooped her up, snuggled her, and before she took more than two steps toward the door I stepped behind her and scooped her into a princess carry. ”I heard you like carry, so I put a carry on your carry!”

I nuzzled her neck as she giggled, listening to Isnomi mutter, ”Mama siwwy.”

Then Saffron, mid giggle, said, ”absolutely. Now please.”

Before I could figure out what my adorable little Kitten was on about, strong arms swept me off my feet, pulling me against Marie’s purring chest. I’d vaguely intended to step us all up to our rooms, but as I kinda melted into Marie’s arms forming Ultimate Triple Princess Melt, I realized that the best part of being carried was, y’know, being carried. Saffron leaned against my chest as I leaned against Marie’s, murmuring, ”so, is this too much carry? Have Marie and I put a hat on a hat?”

”If it is then hat me up, because this is awesome. Love you, Marie.”

Marie just purred harder as she strode down the hall, and from above me I caught the rumble of Menace doing the same as she snickered and said, ”Ma siwwy. Mama siwwy. Mawa siwwy. Aww siwwy.”

I snickered right back, although honestly I couldn’t get the right amount of snicker on with all the warm fuzzy. ”You love it, Menace.”

She just snuggled into her mom’s arms and mumurred, ”Menath siwwy.”

By the time we got up to the bedroom, she was snoring, and Saffron and I weren’t far from it. Marie set me gently on my feet in Isnomi’s room; I did the same with Saffron, keeping a steadying hand on her back just like Marie did for me. Isnomi snuggled up Mister Kraken, Saffron tucked her in, and we each leaned over to give her a gentle forehead kiss good night.

When we got back to the bedroom, I flopped over, banishing my uniform to the laundry pile as I did. ”Do you two mind, y’know, snuggling like that until morning tonight?”

Saffron let Marie undress her, our Maenad’s motions far less brisk and efficient than normal, but giving me full on warm fuzzies as she slowly, carefully, one bit at a time, slipped Saffron out of the husk of her clothing. ”After.”

When I just raised an eyebrow, Marie repeated, ”After.”

I must have looked a little pouty, because while Saffron gently tugged me up to where we’d normally sleep, and Marie undressed with the same languid, gentle care she’d shown Saffron, my Kitten explained, ”for all the confidence I have in you tomorrow? I’d rather we show you our undying support tonight than be wrong and wind up having to wait a week and a half for you to convalesce.”

”Either of you gonna be mad if one of us falls asleep?”

”No.”

Saffron just smiled. ”Sometimes things aren’t about athletics, Goof. Marie? The lights and blankets, if you would?”

I don’t really remember much specifically after that. Just general impressions. Soft. Warm. Fuzzy. Comfortable, in the purest sense of the word I can think of. I might have been half asleep through most of it, and I’m pretty sure the other two were as well. But not in any kind of bored way, or even a tired one, really. Just three people utterly at peace with each other and the tiny little slice of the world we’d claimed as our own.

Hell, not even the World’s Largest Orange Tabby could screw that up.

Woke up absolutely centered and ready to do what I did best.

Fuck. Shit. Up.

Went down to breakfast, fed most of my corncake and tortilla to Menace. Okay, like two thirds of my tortilla and half of my corncake, because I wanted a little bit of a protein base, and I couldn’t let corncakes go by without using the last quarter or so of mine as a syrup delivery vehicle to a certain adorably sweet addicted Kitten. When we’d all finished eating, I called Marie over, then set Menace on her butt on the edge of the table in front of me.

”Okay, Isnomi. I’ve got something to tell you, and you’re not going to like it. I won’t say I don’t give a shit that you don’t like it, but absolutely nothing you can say or do will change my mind, and I’ll be counting on Marie to keep you from breaking the rules on this. Ready to listen?”

She looked a little mulish, but not totally unwilling to listen. She nodded her head, her gaze locked on mine, and said, ”oh tay?”

”Good. I’m going to be doing some very intense Combat Training with the Marshall today. I’m telling you this rather than hiding it from you because I do not, under any circumstances, want you watching.” I paused, glanced at Marie to make sure she’d heard me, then looked back to Isnomi and said, ”understood, Menace?”

She frowned, but didn’t make any pre-bitch-fit moves. Instead she came back with what I guessed she figured was the Ultimate Trump Question. ”Why?”

I nodded. ”Since this isn’t an emergency, and it’s not something that’ll hurt you to know, I’m fine with telling you why, so long as you understand this isn’t a negotiation.” I paused, she nodded. ”The Marshall won’t be holding back today. He’s legit trying to stop me from doing something, and he’ll hurt me if he has to do that to stop me.” Her lips drew down, and her chest rumbled with a growl. ”That right there? Is the first part of why I don’t want you there. The Marshall isn’t a bad man, and he’s willing to hurt me here, where Mom is ready to fix me, than to let me go do something he thinks will wind up with me getting hurt even worse, in a place where Mom might not be there to help me. So even if you hear something where you’d normally come running to help? Don’t. If you feel like you just can’t stay away? Be the Best Biggest Girl you can and tell Marie, and she will take you to visit your brother.” I looked up to Marie, who nodded.

”Because the next part of why I don’t want you there, even close enough to see? Is that I really think what I’m planning to do is something that needs to be done, and I’m the only one who can do it. So I’m not going to be holding back much either. If I knew you were there? I might hold back. If you jumped in, no matter how well intentioned? The Marshall or I might not see you, and one of us might hurt you before we realize.” Her mulish look turned dark, reminding me of what I expected I’d look like in the mirror when somebody tried to tell me I wasn’t good enough do something. ”No, Menace. You are a very precocious girl, my precious Menace, and you scare the piss out of everyone who knows just how much of a Menace you actually are, but right now? You’re still young. You’re still growing. You’re not what you will be someday, and if you get hurt now, you might never get to be as big and bad a Menace as I know you can be.” I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, then leaned in like I was telling her a secret. ”I got hurt more than once when I was your age. Well, older even. But I’m pretty sure that I’m not the best me I can be because of all that. I don’t want that bad part for you. I want you to be that best you as soon as you can be.”

I stared at her patiently until the mulish faded, replaced by flickers of concern. ”The last reason is harder to explain. I’ll try, but it might not make sense to you yet. I barely understand it myself, and I’ve been trying to. You know your Mama is really good at,” I bit my tongue to stop a few choice words, because I was trying to model how to be mature for my daughter and shit. ”Really good at breaking things and hurting people. That’s a side of me that I don’t want you to see if you don’t have to. Not yet. If someone tries to hurt you, or your mom, or Marie, or somebody else we care about? I will absolutely go ham on them even if you are watching. But for now? Today, when Marie can take you carting, or to annoy your brother, or any of that other fun stuff? I’d rather you didn’t see me doing all that.” I put a hand on her shoulder and looked deep in her eyes. ”Someday? When you’re bigger? There is no one I would love having my back more than my Menace. But that’s for later. When you’ve outgrown being a Big Girl, and you’ve grown into being a Young Woman. But... Do you know what I’m talking about, what I don’t really want you seeing me do unless there’s no other choice?”

The mulish and the fear had gone, and she nodded solemnly. Then she reached over and picked up her little spoon, holding the very end of the handle in her left hand, using her other hand to wrap my left hand around hers. Then she reached up, pulling her tiara off as it clicked its way into its helmet form. Her hand moving so fast I could barely track it, she slammed her helmet face first down onto the upthrust business end of the spoon. Once, twice, three times, then she leaned forward and breathed a single word, so low I could barely hear it, into my ear. ”Wewiwe.”

I pushed her back, stunned by what she’d just done. ”You can’t remember that.” She just shrugged, and after a moment teetering between panic and pride, I snuggled her to me. ”That’s my fuckin’ Menace.” Yeah, fuck off, I’m only human. ”So, do you promise to stay away today?’ She nodded solemnly as I put her little helmet back on her head, the completely undamaged thing sliding back to being a tiara as it did. Shame about the spoon, but I figure if the worst thing she did today was fuck up some cutlery, we were in good shape. Then she looked up at me, frustration clear on her face. ”You don’t have to say anything, Isnomi.”

”Wanna.”

”Don’t have the words?”

She shook her head, impish grin on her face. ”Don’ wanna ged gwownded.”

I scooped her up, laughing. ”You scamp.” I took a deep breath, considering, then said, ”This one time, one word.”

She tilted her head, sniffed the air with her tongue sticking out in the cutest little mlem, then said, ”thententh.”

”One short sentence.”

She looked up at me, over at Saffron, and at Marie. When all three of us nodded, she turned back to me, put her hands on my ears, pulled our foreheads together, and growled, ”Fuk hith thit up, Mama.”

What else could I say? ”You got it, Menace.” Then I handed her over to Marie, who carted her off for the day. When I turned to look at Saffron, I barely caught her as she cannoned into me, legs going around my waist and mouth seeking mine like a guided missile. When she finally pulled away, I said, ”what was that for? So, y’know, I can do it more, whatever it was.”

She snickered at me as I walked toward the doors of the Dining Hall. ”Let’s just say ’momming above and beyond the call of duty’. I’m so proud of you, love.”

”Aw. Just, y’know, trying my best. Glad I did it right. So, I’ve got my marching orders from the highest authority, but did you have anything to add?”

A moment later, as I stepped through the doors and into the Practice Yard through the doors my Kitten had fucking dared reality to deny her, Glowing Midnight flowed around my waist, and she pulled back away just far enough to get her haughty on and said, ”Your Imperator commands you to, as our daughter has declared, fuck his shit up.” Somehow she didn’t even spoil it when she booped our noses together and added, ”Momma.”

”Bark bark. Woof woof.” I planted a quick kiss on her lips, then set her down with a final, ”Bark bark, woof.”

Right about then a chorus of chuckles showed me that our class had already all arrived, and the Marshall stood right in the middle of the courtyard. A quick glance around showed a lot more guards in the towers than normal. Not to mention quite a few Cadets on the roof. DuBois barked out, ”Diaz. Thought you might have come to your senses.”

I wriggled a pinky in my ear. ”Did I just hear you imply that I ran out of stupid?”

He frowned. ”You sure about this, Diaz?”

I shrugged. ”Like I said, if I can’t beat you when you’re going all out, all I’ll do down in Norfolk is embarrass Phileo and the Yards. The whole Alliance, I guess. So yeah. Also, y’know, if I go down there and get my ass waxed in an un-un-waxable fashion, you can definitely say you did your due diligence and dead level best to stop me.”

”And if you wind up in the Infirmary for the foreseeable?”

I laughed. ”Oh, no, not alone time with Sister Siobhan. Whatever will I do?”

He snorted. ”Speaking of, should we send for her?”

Fuzzy darkness writhed through the Practice Yard, chasing Saffron’s voice that killed all other sounds when she said, ”no need, Marshall. Both of you will live through the day, no matter how enthusiastically you attempt to end one another. My Goddess Mimic, Mistress of Tentacles, guarantees it.”

I couldn’t help it, my giggle echoed a little in the sudden puckered asshole silence that followed her words. Finally the Marshall cleared his throat and asked, ”so, how do you wanna do this?”

I nodded. ”Well, this is all about a formal sanctioned duel, so what rules do those normally follow?”

He lifted one shoulder and dropped it. ”Lots of different ones, but there are a few common bits. Some kind of start timer, usually by a third party. Agreed upon arena limits; that’s a common way a Jotnar will end a fight if they’re being nice; just pick their opponent up and toss them out of the ring.”

”Wouldn’t the ring be pretty big if a Jotnar fits in it?”

”Yeah, usually, although sometimes one duelist or the other will push for a smaller one because they think it gives them an edge. Other than that? Two professionals will usually agree on some kind of limit like first blood. Better embarrassed and losing a paycheck against a better pro than, y’know, give up all future paychecks forever.”

”Yeah, well. I don’t think they’re gonna be giving me that particular professional courtesy. So, you wanna stretch first or something?”

He sucked at his teeth, his hands still folded behind him. ”Really, Diaz?”

”I mean, you’re old and all. Don’t want to break a hip. By accident because you moved wrong. I mean, I’m not gonna aim for your hips. Hips are big beefy bones, almost as hard to break as femurs. Way too much work. And you’re old and all, so that’d be mean.”

He raised one eyebrow. ”Are you trying to piss me off, Diaz?”

I smiled back at him, ”is it working?”

He sucked at his teeth. ”Gettin’ closer to finding out.”

I smirked. ”Cool. How about for the arena... Can we get the bystanders out of the way?”

He nodded. ”Cadets! If your name isn’t Tabitha Diaz or Saffron Aetos, clear the Yard!”

The rest of the class barely paused, charging for the doors. Before the last of them cleared the door, the first showed up on the roof. ”Okay. If one of us isn’t in the Practice Yard, we lose?”

”That sounds fair. How do you want to start this?”

I nodded to my Kitten. ”Imperator? If you would?”

She nodded, regally, stepped back in front of her fuck you to reality doors, which put her more or less along the line between the Marshall and I, and said, ”you may begin when it hits the pavers.” She opened her hand, and a tiny triangle of black silk fluttered downward. Before her hand finished opening, one of me stood beside her, then Co-Located the two of us to Loki’s cave. ”Boss, you’re gonna wanna watch this.”

The two of me still in the yard split to four, one coming at the Marshall from each cardinal direction, Mana Blades extending as I did. He crouched, and one of me tripped over the Mana Ward covering him. The one opposite that hit the ground in something between a baseball slide and a leg sweep, bouncing upright when my foot hit the edge of the Ward, pushing myself into the air. I sprouted Mana Blades fuckin’ everywhere, landing with a thicket of them holding me up, my own weight ready to drive them down into him if he dropped the Ward.

Meanwhile the other two of me each jerked to a stop as somebody grabbed me by my ankles and flung me around, slamming that pair of me together hard enough that I felt ribs crack. Right about then the one of me that tripped over the Mana Ward finally landed from where I’d Translocated into the sky above and behind one of the other pair. The other one of him saw me soon enough that he tried to jerk away, but I managed to hook a knee around his neck. Maybe I couldn’t quite pull off a leather catsuit like Scarlett Johansen, but I sure as shit could choke a bitch out with my thighs. He leapt into the air, not even trying to dislodge me further than to get a solid grip on my legs, then brought his weight down on me, hammering me into the ground. ”Shit, Willy, Marie hits harder than that when we’re gettin’ it on. That the best you got?”

At the same time, One of the two of me lying in a tangle Co-Located to an equipment shed while the duBois neither hiding in a Mana Ward or trying to dislodge my Onotopp choke-out straight up started stomping on the pair of me still on the ground. Gotta be honest, he’d knocked what little sense I normally had out of that pair of me, and since I didn’t want to go full on ragebeast and make a bunch of impromptu jigsaw puzzles for Saffron out of the Cadets on the roof, I just lay there and took it. Okay, one of me did my best to crouch protectively over the other. Not that either one was really all that badly injured, but I figured giving duBois an Obvious Target couldn’t hurt.

The one of me atop the Mana Ward crossed my legs and spun in place, rearranging the Blades to keep some pinning him from the sides, but with enough pointing downward that he’d wind up coleslaw if his Ward went down. I might have been cackling as much as Doc Zeccardi or the Menace on one of her Air Shield fun rides. Just a little bit. I wasn’t really watching, so the first hint I got that he’d armed himself was when he rammed a blade of some kind straight up my damn ass. ”BITCH! Fuckwhore shitbag that hurts you cuntfaced dick!”

”Aw. I’m crying big tears.” He pulled the fucking thing back out, twisting as he did, and clenching did nothing. Fuckin’ blade was sharp. Didn’t slow down coming out, didn’t slow down going back into my left ass cheek. Right about then I extruded a Mana Blade straight out of the hole he’d just punched in me. ”FUCK! Ow! Shit!”

”Poor old man. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of my ass.”

Loki almost choked on his popcorn at that. I waved my hand at him, and he handed the bag over. I handed it to the me shitting molten metal on Mana Ward duBois’ face and cackling, because that particular crazy bitch needed to chill and have some popcorn. Then I Translocated over to the equipment shed again.

The outer of the pair of me getting stomped on wasn’t a complete loss yet, but only because he’d been focusing on my torso. The man could stomp like a goddamned elephant, though; the one time I managed to evade his incoming size fuck me boots, the goddamned pavers cracked. I stepped out of the equipment shed and, staying as low as I could, ran over to the duBois shaped asshole who kept ramming me into the ground, trying to get me to let go of his neck. Guess it says something about how strong the bastard was that the best I could do with my thighs was hang on. The next time he hammered me down, I managed to get one of the shittiest of our practice swords under me, ramming the point through my thigh and into his shoulder.

”FUCK! Crazy bitch!” He tried getting his hand on the hilt of the sword pinning us together, but I Mana Bladed a few of his fingers off, so he clenched his fist and punched me in the thigh. A whole fuckin’ lot, over and over, just out of reach of my hands, never letting go of his grip on my calf. Every time I tried to push the me on the floor next to him to my feet, he kicked me in the arm. Okay, he tried to, because after his first stomp simultaneously crushed and flash-charred most of my fingers on my left hand, my priority went from ’get up’ to ’avoid duBois blasting my fingers’. Fucker somehow managed to time releasing a Fire Bolt from his heel as he stomped me.

The me on his back leaned in, just out of reach of his fist...

Okay, after I recovered from the crafty old Yoga addicted bastard hitting me in the face with a solid punch directly behind his head and about twelve inches up, I gave up on the whole, ’stick my tongue in his ear’ plan and croaked out, ”this all you got, old man?”

That’s when the him that had been curb stomping one of the pair he’d initially smashed against each other brought his heel down right on my skull. Weird thing? That didn’t specifically hurt my other heads. I mean, I screamed out an absolute chorus of random incoherent proto-profanity, but the me under the dead me said, ”that it?”

So he did the same to the me under the one of him I had in the Onotopp hold. Only this time with a Fire Bolt coming out of his heel as well. After another round of screaming my fuckin’ lungs out, I panted out, ”is that all you got?”

The one of him now standing more or less unopposed over one dead me and another me crouched under her bellowed out, ”how many of you do I have to kill before you know you’ve lost, Diaz?”

At which point I smiled up at him and quoted my first ever strategic inspiration. ”I love it when a plan comes together.” As he tensed, I said, ”No, you.” As his foot came barreling down at my face, I flung my dead body along the pavers toward his Mana Ward. The thicket of Mana Blades surrounding it sliced it into big meaty chunks, which caught him in the ankles, toppling him into the side of his own Ward. His foot came down, crunching my ribcage and punching a burned hole through my torso.

Before I finished screaming, my most recent shed visitor slid myself through the thicket of Mana Blades. As I expected, that shit burned like fuck and tore the crap out of my uniform, but I held it together just long enough to slide one of those shitty Cold Iron shortswords into his Mana Ward. It collapsed, and a moment later all of me croaked out, ”ow.” as my violated posterior landed on the pavers, only barely cushioned by duBois chunks and my own face.

Both remaining duBois screamed, one of him going ham and managing to take the one of me under him straight from ’dying’ to ’paste’ in record time before stumbling to one knee. The other one jumped into the air, coming down on me in complete defiance of the sword still pinning us together. The crosspiece wound up tearing a hole in me, but by that point my inner Fuck You had hit the required level for me to whisper to him, ”yeah, bored now. Fight’s over in three, two...” Reality wrenched around us as a Mana Shape intended to Translocate or Co-Locate or pull some other unlikely shenanigans met Cold Iron jammed all the way through his shoulder. ”So sorry, please try your Shape again never.”

Then I extruded a big flat triangular Mana Blade into the area described by my ankle, my knee, and my ass cheek. Otherwise known as ’duBois’ neck region’. I wound up kinda stuck, pinned between his corpse and the pavers, but fuck it, worth.

I stepped a fresh me from Loki’s cave to loom over duBois and say, ”had enough, you stubborn old bastard?”

I didn’t even see his arm move. One second, I was standing, the next my face met the pavers and he had me in some kind of completely unnecessary leg hold. So I Co-Located in another eight of me and brought big old guillotine Mana Blades down on his wrists, ankles, knees, and elbows. Only hit three of eight, but a quick Translocate of all nine of me to do another drop bear impression got another three, at which point he didn’t so much have limbs as stumps. Stumps which eight of me grabbed, two on each, barely managing to hold the fucker down as the remaining one of me looked down on his face from above and said, ”y’know, I was just gonna kick you in the head a little, maybe give you a fancy ’Tabitha r0xx0rz b0xx0rz’ in bubble letters as a tramp stamp, but no, you hadda keep up your bullshit.” I hammered a Cold Iron butt plug through his shoulder, then stepped down between his legs. ”You know I’m too fuckin’ juvenile to resist making Saffron heal this particular shit.” Then I elbow dropped his crotch, Mana Blade first.

Twice.

Then, that one of me just kinda leaning there letting the paver under his ass go molten, I Co-Located to kneel beside his head. I brushed his sweat soaked hair away from his face and said, ”so, you gonna stop arguing about me going to Norfolk?”

He turned his head, spat out some blood and snot and, I think, part of a tooth and one of my fingers he’d bitten off at some point without me noticing, and muttered, ”that fucking Jotnar asshole is gonna kill you.”

I patted his cheek and quietly said, ”yeah. Probably. In job lots. But as I think I’ve made clear?” I grabbed him by the ears, looked deep into his eyes, and deliberately auto-triggered my Pavlov. ”That doesn’t fucking matter.”

I don’t know exactly what hurt worst; de-Co-Locating into one of me as I did that or him laughing so hard he pissed himself with what remained of his savaged crotch, alternating screams of pain and laughter at me rolling around in pain my own damn self.

Okay, what hurt most was Saffron being the one to actually end the fight when she stepped over, knelt next to the Marshall, and darkness chasing her words around the courtyard as her voice killed all sound said, ”I think Cadet Diaz has made it painfully clear that whether you object or not, you lack the ability to stop her.”

That’s a lie. It had nothing to do with her stopping the fight and declaring me winner, and everything to do with every part of me that would normally sit up and pay attention with a pantiless Saffron kneeling nearby entering Ultimate Boss Bitch mode? Was currently flashing, ’Fuck off you crazy bitch, we quit’ signals in a rainbow of colors.