Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

If Saffron is right, I’m really not looking forward to the rest of this week.

So last night I would have spent vibing, because despite a bit of confusion on waking I still feel pretty rested in the morning, but instead of being able to stare at the stars or chill with my psychedelic tadpole homies, I had to deal with itching all down my left side. Not exactly painful, except maybe in the way that a really superficial rash is painful, but super fucking annoying. No amount of rooching around managed to make the itching stop. I mean, scratching doesn’t generally stop itching anyway, but it’s still what you do, y’know? So the whole night was a cycle of ’ignore the itching’, ’scratch myself on the rocky bits’, ’pretend it helped’, then try to ignore the itching again.

At any rate, I’d just finished scratching myself when something covered my mouth. I blinked myself awake to find the room quiet and dark, with Saffron’s hand over my mouth. For a minute I just lay there wondering at how small it felt. I mean, I don’t think about how much smaller than me she is very often, but now and then something kinda makes it super-obvious. At any rate, after a bit I raised my hand and lay it atop hers. ”What’s up, Saff?” I murmured.

”Not now, sweet Goof. How much do you remember of the Council meeting?” Her reply came as quiet as my question, her mouth next to my ear the only reason I could really understand it.

I wriggled around until she lay mostly leaning against me, my mouth snuggled up against her ear and vice versa. ”We got there stupid early. You looked stupid hot running shit. We managed to nip Lancaster’s plans of world domination in the butt.” I paused, nuzzling her ear while I thought. ”Uh, we listened to the world’s most boring speeches all day, then came home too tired to tango, horizontal or otherwise.”

She chuckled in my ear, which did terrible things to my already crappy ability to concentrate. ”Well, at least you didn’t hallucinate something that didn’t happen. Do you know why we got there so early?”

I forced my lady bits to shut the fuck up and engaged my brain for a minute. ”She who controls the register controls the world?”

Another chuckle blew any chance that my nether regions would shut up, but I paid attention, because I suspected there would be a pop quiz, and my access to spice-based spouses would be based on the pass / fail of that quiz. ”Not the world, but whatever Councilperson arrives at the Register first gets to be Speaker.”

I nodded, nuzzling a little more. ”Gotcha. And we want you to be Speaker because the Speaker is the boss-lady.”

She nuzzled me back. Okay, she shook her head, but that was nearly as good. ”No. You are paying attention?”

”Trying my best, Kitten.”

She nodded, ”that’s all I ask. The Speaker controls quite a lot of the meeting. Once the Army deploys, you’ll need to get there and claim the Register as early as you can.”

That threw a big fuckin’ damper on my whole ’despoil Saffron before breakfast’ plan. ”The next meeting’s Wednesday.”

”I expect we’ll be deploying tomorrow.”

”Shit.”

She snuggled into me, like she wanted to wrap me around her like a coat of paint. ”So you need to know how to keep control of the Council when I’m gone.”

I stuck my lip out, entirely coincidentally rubbing it against her ear. ”I can’t just kill them all?” Even my intrusive thoughts are lime green.

She shrugged. ”If you wish, but you seemed to want to minimize casualties.”

I sighed, trying to wrap myself around her. ”Yeah. Okay. You think somebody’s gonna fuck with the Army while you and Lancaster are gone?”

”You forget, the Heroes will deploy as well. Perhaps one or two might remain to lead any further reinforcements to the field, but with the Heroes gone, the Guilds and Clergy will have the votes. Also, I suspect Lancaster has influenced some of them.”

”Shit. You think he’ll screw around and, what, proxy his vote?”

She shook her head again. Cue my internal struggle to remain focused on her words. ”Proxies aren’t allowed. Only Councilpersons in the Council chamber may vote. But just because he cannot be there does not mean he cannot have another forward his agenda.”

”So you think he’s gonna use a cat’s paw to do some fuckery.” I sighed again. ”What do I need to know?”

”First, the Speaker controls both who may speak, and is the only one who may call for any vote, save one.”

”So, I could just tell them all to shut the fuck up and we all sit there all day in silence?” I could do that. I tried not to think about how boring it would be.

”No. If no one is speaking, you can ask if anyone wishes to speak on the issue at hand, introduce a new issue, or propose a vote. You then decide which person gets to go next. Once someone is speaking, all you can do is call for a vote.”

”Uh...”

She nuzzled me a little more before explaining, ”you can call for a vote on the issue they’re talking about, you can call for a vote to reconvene later, you can even call for a vote to silence the person speaking, although that’s a pretty solid slap in the face.”

”Okay. So I grab the Speaker spot, then let everybody else talk, and, what, just don’t call for any votes until it’s time to go home?”

She nodded, ”or unless somebody proposes a vote you really think needs to be taken. Like the one declaring war. We really ought to formally declare war at some point, or a lot of stuff gets tangled.”

”Like?”

”Like a Hero might decide to migrate to another City. Not unheard of in peacetime, but straight up dereliction or treason if they do it during time of war.”

I shuddered at the thought of Lancaster doing some really heinous shit like that. He hadn’t struck me as the sort to switch sides mid-fight, and I definitely couldn’t see him bowing down to save his own ass. ”Yeah. That would suck. Okay, so even if nobody else brings it up, I’ll want to propose a war vote?”

”To call for a vote, yes, although avoid doing it before someone else proposes it if you can. Right now I don’t think any of them will show up early enough to claim the Speaker spot, but if enough of them get pissed at you, one of them will. Once you call for a vote for anything, remember the Speaker traditionally votes last. That way she can break a tie or deliberately deadlock something she’s opposed to if the vote is close enough.”

”Okay. Anything else?”

”A few things. First, the one vote you cannot call for; the vote to convene.”

”Why?”

She shrugged, ”it’s mostly to avoid the Speaker convening the Council while she’s the only one there and passing all kinds of crazy shit while she’s the only one there.”

I snorted, ”you can do that?”

”I mean, if you’re the only one there, nobody else can call for the vote to convene. But once someone does? You can call for whatever vote you want.”

I nipped at her ear lightly. ”So why didn’t the two of us just start voting for shit when it was just us two there?”

”Because I wanted Lancaster there to recognize us. If he treated us like Councilwomen, nobody was going to tell him we’re not. You might wind up with someone doing that, by the way. Shut them down however you have to.”

”Can I kill ’em?” Why do my intrusive thoughts have more access to my mouth than I do?

She shrugged again, ”it’s an option, but you won’t gain any friends doing that. Be forceful, but not overtly threatening.”

I sighed into her ear, and she twitched a bit. ”Right. Subtle. Not something I’m good at. But I’ll try.”

She ran her lips across my ear, which given the amount of real estate she had available and my reaction to it, seared everything out of my skull for a moment. ”See that you do. Now, there will be three major voting blocs.”

”Guilds, Clergy, and leftover Heroes?” I guessed.

”No. Anti-war, pro-war, and political profiteers.”

”Shit. We’ve got fucking war profiteers now?”

”They’re always a thing, love. In this case I’m not referring to those who seek wealth, but those who will vote whichever way will earn them the most favors in the future. That’s another thing; don’t offer any favors. You never know who will cash them in for what.”

I stroked her hair, just to feel the texture of it. ”What if somebody offers me a favor to vote some kinda way?”

”If you would vote that way anyhow? Take it. Otherwise? Don’t.”

”Okay. Anybody in particular I should look out for?”

”James McCann, head of the Teamster’s Guild. He’s not a bad man, but he’s leading the anti-War faction, because his Guild has lost quite a few members, at least temporarily. You probably saw him; older guy, mostly gone to fat, big enough to take up three spots on the benches?”

”There were a couple guys that big, but I think I remember the one you meant. I’ll pay attention while taking attendance.”

She purred in my ear. ”Good girl. Next is Sergeant (Retired) Vincent Aetos. No relation. He’s head of the Guardsman’s Guild, and he’s the one who has picked up those members, technically. He’s pro-War, but mostly because his guild members get paid better if they see action. He’s the guy who showed up in the fancy leather armor. He didn’t say much, and usually he lets the skinny guy next to him do the talking, the one with the spectacles.”

”Why?”

”He was injured in a fight, and his voice is really rough. Talking too long makes it worse.”

”So who is spectacle boy?”

I felt her lips curve against my ear. ”Funny you should call him that. He’s Vincent’s son, Vincent Junior. Head of the Scribe’s Guild.”

”Well, shit, that means the two of them are gonna vote together, right?”

”Oddly enough, no. Vincent senior knows he’s getting old, and he’s smart enough to let his son come into his own as his own man.”

I kept running my fingers gently through Saffron’s hair, gently tugging them loose when it inevitably tangled. ”Damn. Someone who’s not an idiot. Who’s next?”

”The ’leader’, such as she is, of the ’profiteers’. Alexandra Alexopolous. Don’t call her that, by the way. Her preferred title is ’High Priestess Aphroditopolous’.”

Something about Saffron’s tone struck me as off. ”Is... that name sounds wrong.”

”Yes. That would be because despite her being the High Priest of Aphrodite, she barely speaks Greek, because she is both Dan and a complete idiot.”

”Isn’t that a little redundant?”

She snickered in my ear, and once again I had to keep myself from getting very noisily intimate with her. Even if the discussion was done, which it wasn’t, tiny Isnomi snores still sounded from the far side of the room. ”You’d better hope not. Lancaster is a Dan, and if he’s an idiot I’m in more danger than I ought to be.”

”Fair point. What do I need to know about her?”

”She is almost literally a sock puppet for her Goddess. Who is marginally smarter than her, and will probably be advised by her husband Ares as well. Oh, if she really pisses you off, voting to censure the temple of Ares might actually pass. But don’t do that unless she deserves an indirect smackdown.”

”Why?”

”Ares’ High Priest officially migrated to Calverton City the moment we started recruiting in earnest.”

”Cowardly little shit.”

She shook her head. ”Not cowardly. He went to our other biggest enemy, a huge risk, just to show Ares’ displeasure with us. Still underhanded and, as you would put it, a dick move though.”

”Okay. What else do I need to know?”

”About the Council meeting? Nothing, although much as Alexa has Aphrodite and Ares whispering in her ear, you will have Loki,” and me.

Tension I hadn’t realized I’d been building oozed out of me when she reminded me that despite not having physical backup, I’d have the two smartest people I knew audioconferenced in to keep my dumb ass from screwing up too badly. ”So... before you tell me whatever I need to know about non-Council stuff, if you really think you’re leaving during the day on Tuesday, can you ask Grandma to take Isnomi tonight? I get that she’ll want to say good bye and all, but she can do that while you’re awake, and...” Saffron silenced me by pulling my head back and kissing me.

When she pulled away she said, ”no.”

I wilted a little. ”Okay.”

The Grin crept across her face. ”I won’t be asking her that, because I asked her two days ago and she’s already agreed. More importantly?”

I had no fucking clue what would be more important than that right now, but I wasn’t about to argue with that Grin. ”Yeah?”

”I’m very glad you’ve gotten good at being quiet, because you’re stupider than you constantly claim to be if you think you’re getting out of this bed before I’ve had my fill of you.”

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Saffron is best wife.