Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Just when I think I’m getting used to life? It enweirdifies.

Nursing is weird. I spent like an hour trying to get my tits evenly deflated before I realized what my bottomless pit of a daughter and my wife had realized far earlier. My stupid-high Endurance refilled them damn near as fast as the menace could empty them. Just before I smothered myself with my new pillow, Saffron took pity on me.

”Goof?” I looked over at my own face looking back at me.

”Good gods, nursing hormones make me stupid.”

She giggled, and Isnomi Muttlied. ”Oh, I’m sure they’re not entirely to blame.”

I hefted the tiny terror and looked her in the eye. ”You still hungry? Wait, of course you are. Have you had... no... you gonna starve if I stop now?”

She stared at me solemnly and nodded.

”Yeah, I’m not quite that gullible.” I switched back to being me, tossed a squealing Menace to Marie, and got uniformed up to go about my day of spear training.

Long day, but nothing too terrible.

Long night spent chilling by the lakeside, staring at the stars.

The next day at breakfast, Doctor DeLeon made his way around the tables. When he stopped at ours, he announced, ”Hero Lancaster has all Freshman Cadet Geography classes meeting instead of training today.”

Saffron raised her hand, ”what about me?”

DeLeon shrugged, ”I’m certain a single trainer won’t make a difference to the war effort, but your knowledge of the terrain might. If he meant differently, he should have specified.”

So we all trudged up to class today. We got there to find a much higher quality map of the northern Delaware Valley on the front wall. Angel and Bill chatted about his, I guess their dad’s meatloaf recipe. Raven started drawing. I settled in next to Saffron. Yeah, I had my own desk and yeah, they’d replaced my ashed chair, but I had no idea how long I’d be able to have my arm around her. Lancaster and his lackeys came in. He looked at us sitting there, opened his mouth, and I glared at him. Wonder of wonders, even Larry the Loser can Learn. He shut his mouth with a snap and went back to his Anime Protagonist Seat.

Once the last few Cadets rolled in, Doctor DeLeon stood and whipped out his pointing stick. ”Good Morning, Cadets. Hero Lancaster has asked me to review a few notable geographic features with you.”

That started a review of roads between Phileo and New Amsterdam. Weird thing; all of them started from Camden Yards and ran through Newark. Which wasn’t surprising if you looked at things from the ground level, but looking at the map I remembered a few things about my old Earth’s road system. ”Doctor DeLeon?” I asked, raising my hand.

”Yes, Tabitha?”

”Those two towns there,” I squinted at the map; whoever’d made it expected people to be standing right in front of it, not looking at it from across a classroom. ”Morris Village and Lamb Town.”

”I hadn’t intended to move onto our river traffic quite yet, but well spotted. Lamb Town has been marked as our primary dropoff point for supplies being shipped upriver.”

”So we’re doing that then? Cool! But that’s not what I was gonna ask.”

He nodded, ”Go on.”

”Isn’t there a bridge there? Going through Camden Yards and following the east bank of the Delaware instead of marching straight northeast from Phileo and crossing between Morris Village and Lamb Town has got to be adding what, about twenty miles to the trip? On foot that’s at least four hours, right?”

Of course Larry muttered, ”moron.”

I shot him a look, but before I could move Doc DeLeon interrupted. ”Cadet Lancaster, perhaps instead of denigrating your fellow Cadets, you could share your obviously extensive knowledge of the situation?”

Lancaster rolled his eyes, but turned to me and, by extension, most of the rest of the class. ”As Doctor DeLeon taught us during our first two classes, there is a no man’s land between the land claimed by Phileo and that claimed by New Amsterdam. You do remember that much?”

”Yeah, Larry. I’m slow, but I’m not, like, you slow. Go on.”

He snorted derision and continued. ”Lamb Town is the northernmost point firmly on the Phileo side of that no man’s land. As such, much like Brunswick on the far side, it is considered ’contested territory’.”

I scanned around the map until I finally spotted Brunswick. ”Holy shit, how wide is the fucking neutral zone?”

Lancaster muttered, ”cretin,” but continued before I could get on his shit about it. ”That is the widest point of the no man’s land. Originally just containing the former village of Prince Town, over the years the unofficial borders of the no man’s land has spread, as few people want to live in an area not officially under the protection of either side.”

Bill cut in with, ”or someplace that’s the unofficial battleground for Heroes on both sides with a grudge.”

Lancaster sighed, ”fair point. At any rate, no one in Phileo would build a bridge between a contested village and a straight march into Phileo.”

Apparently being a Lancaster meant all available brain resources went to studying how to Tactics, with none left for basic civility. At least for the runt of the family. Still, I wasn’t about to fall to his level of graciouslessness, ”Huh. I didn’t think of that. Thanks, Lancaster.” I paused a beat, then asked, ”what about a pontoon bridge for a quick advance or an orderly retreat?”

While Lancaster spluttered and went into meltdown over the idea that his father’s Glorious Phileo City Army could ever retreat, Saffron asked, ”pontoon bridge?”

Ah, shit. ”Um, you know what a simple river ferry looks like, right?”

The Phileo kids looked mystified. The kids from the Yards all nodded. Bill added, ”yeah, there are a bunch of them sorta-moored on Petty Island.”

”Sorta moored?”

”They’ve mostly been sitting there since the bridge finished construction. Before the bridge they were the only reliable way across the river. Franklin even built a bunch more just to support building the bridge itself. But they were all built to last, especially the ones that he built. The ones the enchantments haven’t worn off of would still probably float. But even most of those have still kinda become one with the mud.”

”Well, shit, there you go then.”

Everybody stared at me until I realized I hadn’t really explained anything. ”Okay, so a pontoon bridge is basically a temporary bridge made out of shit that floats. The ones I, uh, read about were made out of barrels, but if you’ve got ferries, those would be perfect. So instead of having one ferry that you drag across the river on ropes, or push across on poles? You just line them up one after another, all the way across the river.”

Everybody in the class, Doc DeLeon included, got a kind of faraway look as they envisioned what I described. Eventually fucking Lancaster of all people broke the silence. ”That’s bloody brilliant. Make a fighting retreat to the bridge, and it’s practically pre-sapped; just cut the ropes.” I did not know how to feel about a compliment coming my way from Lancaster. A second later, he made the same realization, and he got the same rectal kumquat look his father had gotten during our discussion a few days ago. ”Nearly a day’s travel time cut off. Supplies are still faster via boat, but for troops...”

Bill cut in, ”I don’t know if there are enough ferries.”

Raven replied without ever looking up from her sketchbook. ”There are. River’s narrower there anyway, you’d only need half of them.”

”Or you could double the width of the bridge.” Lancaster actively participating in a discussion weirded me out.

By the time we finished talking about how many boats we had in our little supply navy, how many each of them could pull per trip, and all the other details of our Pontoon Bridge Scheme, lunchtime rolled around. As Saffron and I walked toward the door, Lancaster stepped into our way.

”What now, Larry?”

Lancaster managed a passing imitation of his father’s ’rod-up-ass, inspire-the-army’ pose and said, ”will you come with me to present your idea to my father?”

I don’t know what came over me. Maybe I’d seen one too many classmates back at Eastside without decent father figures turn into absolute raging assholes. Not like Larry had more to look up or forward to other than infinite backhands. ”My idea? Dude, this was a group project, at best. I wouldn’t have thought of it if you hadn’t explained why we don’t have a bridge there. You take it to him.”

If anything, he got stiffer. ”Lying would be beneath the dignity of a Lancaster.”

I shook my head. ”Doctor DeLeon, do we have class after lunch?”

Doc DeLeon shook his head. ”No, you’re to return to assist with training.”

I nodded, ”you planning on waiting until after lunch or going straight to him now?”

”This idea could be critical to the war effort! He needs to hear of it right away!”

I shrugged and draped my arm over Saffron as suggestively as I could. ”Yeah, well. You know nothing is gonna come between me and... eating. So looks like you’re flying solo on this one. Don’t lie to him, just tell him it’s an idea your class came up with, and let him draw his own conclusions. I know if he crawls up my ass about it, I’m gonna throw you under the bus and tell him it was your idea.”

With that Saffron and I slipped around him and left.

Fuck you, Lancaster. I un-dysfunctional your family.