I Eat Monster and Gain Powers

Chapter 14: Held the thread taut and would not let it snap.

He came down out of the trees the way something falls when it has stopped deciding whether to fall.

There was no plan in it. No calculation, no weighing of the horn dagger against the horn spear, no measuring of distance the way he had measured distance with the reindeer, the way he had measured it with every kill before this one. He hit the snow on all fours because his body had stopped asking his mind for permission, his knuckles driving into the crust, his spine bowed low, and he moved across the clearing the way the wolves moved, close to the ground, fast, silent except for the sound of his breath tearing out of him.

The grey leader turned first. It had time to turn and nothing else.

He took it low, under the jaw, the horn dagger driving up and in before the wolf’s teeth had even finished closing on air where he used to be. The blade went through muscle and cartilage and the wolf’s whole body convulsed around the wound, its weight coming down on him, four hundred pounds of dying animal, and he rolled with it, let it carry him into the snow, twisted free before it had finished falling.

The white one hit him from the side.

He felt the teeth close on his forearm before he felt anything else, the pain arriving late the way it always did, a half second behind the pressure, and he screamed something that was not a word, was not language at all, and drove the horn spear backward without looking, felt it catch flesh, felt the wolf’s grip loosen just enough. He tore his arm free. The skin came with the teeth, four ragged lines from wrist to elbow, blood hitting the snow black in the grey light.

He did not stop.

He turned into the white wolf’s next lunge instead of away from it, which was not what a man would do, was not what seven months of survival instinct would have taught a man to do, but he was not entirely a man anymore and the thing he was becoming knew that closing distance was better than running, knew it the way the wolves knew it, and he got the spear into the wolf’s chest with both hands and put his whole weight behind it and drove it down into the snow and held it there while it thrashed and while its claws found his thigh and opened him up to the bone.

He felt that one everywhere.

His leg buckled. He went down on the knee that still worked, his hand still on the spear, still holding the white wolf down while it died under him, and the black grey one came in from his blind side and he barely got the dagger up in time, barely turned the angle so the teeth caught the leather of his coat instead of his throat.

He grabbed it by the scruff.

He did not know he could do that until he did it. His hand closed on the loose skin at the back of the wolf’s neck the way he had seen dogs held as a kid, some memory from the old world surfacing in the middle of the worst moment of the fight, and he used it, used the grip to hold the wolf’s head away from him while it screamed and clawed and tried to twist free, and he drove the dagger into its side once, twice, felt it go still on the third.

He knelt there in the red snow.

His arm was open. His thigh was open. His breath was coming in long ragged pulls that fogged white in the cold and his whole body was shaking, not from the seizure this time, not from the change, just from what he had done, what it had cost, the animal thing in his chest still roaring even though there was nothing left to kill.

He remembered her.

He turned his head.

She was still against the tree. She had not moved through any of it, frozen the way prey freezes when the thing hunting it is too close and too fast to run from, her sword hanging loose in her hand like she had forgotten it was there. Her eyes were on him now, wide, the pale of her face gone paler, and he understood, somewhere in the part of him that was still able to understand things, that she was more afraid of him now than she had been of the wolves.

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He stood up.

It took effort. His leg did not want to hold him and he let it not want to, limped across the clearing anyway, dragging the bad leg through the snow, leaving a smear of dark blood behind him that steamed faintly in the cold air. He was aware of the smell of her before he was close enough to see the details of her face, some sweetness under the copper of her own blood, and the awareness of it did something to him low in his gut that he did not have a name for and did not want one.

He stopped in front of her.

She did not run. He would think about that later, why she did not run, whether it was because she could not or because some part of her had already decided that running was pointless. In the moment he did not think about it at all. He raised his hand, the one that was not torn open, and reached across the small distance between them, and touched her cheek with one finger.

Her skin was soft.

He felt that in a place that had nothing to do with hunger, nothing to do with survival, something older and simpler and entirely separate from the seven months of blood and meat and change. Her cheek was cold from the winter air and soft under his finger and her lips were red, redder than they should have been against skin that pale, and something in him that was not the animal and was not entirely the man either wanted very badly to find out if they were as soft as her cheek.

He wanted her.

The wanting came from two directions at once and he could feel both of them clearly, could feel the animal thing snarling low in his chest that this was prey too, that prey did not get to walk away just because it walked on two legs, and underneath that, worse somehow, he could feel the man he used to be, the one who had not thought about the shape of a woman’s face in seven months, wanting her too, wanting her in the plain simple way a man wants a beautiful woman standing close enough to touch.

He did not move his hand.

He stood there with his finger against her cheek and every part of his body telling him to close the distance, take what he wanted, and some last thin thread of the man he had been, Eto Shapan from Kimura Street, the one who had worked data entry and drank bad coffee and had never once in his old life hurt anyone, held the thread taut and would not let it snap.

He growled.

It came up out of his chest without permission, low and rough, and he heard the sound of it and understood that it had come from him and was disgusted by that in some distant way, and he pulled his hand back and stepped away from her, turned his back on her because he did not trust himself facing her, and grunted something that had no shape to it at all, no words, just noise, just the sound of a thing trying to hold itself together.

He looked at the wolves.

Three dead. Blood everywhere, black in the fading light, steam rising off the bodies where the warmth was still leaving them. He looked at them and for a moment the animal in him settled, satisfied by the kill, and he almost had himself back.

Then he turned to check on her again.

The movement was too fast. He knew it was too fast even as he did it, some part of him aware that a woman who had just watched a man tear three giant wolves apart with his bare hands and a bone knife did not need him whipping around to look at her like she was something he had not finished deciding about.

She flinched hard, a sound tearing out of her that was not quite a scream, her back pressing into the tree like she could push herself through the bark.

Her eyes rolled back.

She went down slow, her knees folding first, the sword slipping from her fingers and disappearing into the snow, and he caught her before he had decided to catch her, his bad arm screaming in protest as he took her weight, and then she was against his chest and unconscious and he did not know what to do with any of it.

He knelt there in the snow, holding her.

He could not have spoken if he had wanted to. There were no words in him, nothing left after the fight and after the wanting and after the fighting of the wanting, just the cold air and the smell of blood, hers and his and the wolves’, and the woman in his arms with her black hair spilling loose across his forearm and her lips still red and her face gone slack and peaceful in a way it had not been peaceful when she was awake.

He looked at her for a long time.

He did not know how long. Long enough that his leg started to burn where the cold was getting into the wound. Long enough that the light started to change, the grey going darker at the edges. He knelt there in the middle of a clearing full of dead things and looked at the one thing in it that was not dead, and something in his chest that had not moved in seven months moved now, slow and heavy, and he did not have a word for that either.