Back Then, I Adored You

Lu Bancheng felt as if someone had stabbed him viciously in the heart with a sharp object. He had intense difficulty breathing from the pain. He knew that he was at fault for the events that had taken place that night. And he knew that he had hurt her immensely that night, but he had never realized the true extent of the damage caused by his actions.

Tears continued to flow from Xu Wennuan’s eyes as she laid in bed. As she lost her strength by sobbing so hard, she also stopped resisting and her crying gradually became softer.

Just when Lu Bancheng thought that she would quiet down and fall into a slumber, her tiny hands suddenly grasped onto the bedsheets with an unusual amount of force. It was as if she was trying hard to suppress some emotion that she was experiencing but, despite her efforts, the rising and falling of her chest became increasingly obvious.

She began to open her mouth and mutter to herself, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Sorry? Who’s she apologizing to?

Lu Bancheng’s brows knitted together, but before he could react she spoke once again. “Don’t blame me. I know that I’ve let you down, but I didn’t have a choice… I couldn’t give birth to you…”

Upon hearing this, Lu Bancheng’s body tensed up.

So she’s apologizing to our poor child who did not have the chance to be born into the world.

“I know that you’re innocent, but there was no way I could face you… I wouldn’t have been able to care for you… I’m afraid that you would not have been happy after being born…

“I could not find a way to convince myself to accept you. The thought of you reminds me of that terrifying night…

“I’m sorry, baby. Don’t blame me. There is no way that I could be with him. I’m afraid…”

So the child who linked the two of us together, and whom she had quickly and viciously aborted, actually holds a small place in her heart.

And so she also feels guilty and remorseful over our child, just like how my heart had ached and how I had been upset and angry over the abortion.

She has not yet forgotten. It is constantly on her mind.

While she doesn’t love me, and has hated and blamed me, in her heart she still had feelings toward our child.

She only chose to give up on that child because she could not overcome the barrier in her heart, because she truly did not want to have anything to do with me, and because she was afraid that she would impose that hatred onto our innocent child.

“I’m sorry…” she repeated over and over again. Her words were sharp and clear, and they lashed out at Lu Bancheng’s heart each time she said them. He did not know how to describe his emotions at that moment. His chest felt heavy and stuffy, and it was hard for him to breathe.

Suddenly, he found it hard to continue to stay in the room. Straightening his back, he took a step back and staggered out. Once back in his car, Lu Bancheng sat in a daze as if he had lost his soul.

He continued to show no response, even when the world began to bustle with activity after the sun rose at the break of dawn. He only regained his composure when he saw her exit from the hospital with a pale face.

He did not stop her and secretly watched as she walked up to the side of the road and hailed a taxi. Then, as if he was manipulated by some unknown presence, he started his car, jammed the accelerator to the floor, and stealthily tailed after her taxi.

After a 30-minute drive, the taxi eventually came to a stop by the side of the road. She paid her fare, got out, and entered the building directly in front of the taxi.