My Girlfriend is Santa Claus & Together We Must Stop the Christmas Apocalypse Based on a True Story

The penguins waddled furiously towards the giraffe— their stubby little feet carrying them at maximum penguin velocity. Now these birds are not well known for their viciousness. In fact, they are among the most amiable of waterfowl. But under the orders of their one true Queen, they charged like an apocalyptic hoard of fluffy warriors.

Dare you believe your eyes, Peter? Could the penguins truly take down a woolly giraffe? Could a billion lions win a fight against the sun? Could a man defeat 300 skeletons in an elevator? These are the deranged mysteries that truly matter in life— and now one of these gnostic secrets will be revelated. Peter heard himself whispering “Go! Go! You can do it! Believe in yourself, penguins!”

But nay! The cuddly wrath of the penguin army was cut short! In a tactical twist the likes of the bombing of Dresden, the drowning of Garwlwyd, the defenestration of Roland’s sanity, the ground exploded out from under the penguin infantry! Snow and ice sailed into the sky!

The penguins flew up and up, and then they tumbled down, flapping their wings and squawking helplessly. Before they could even reach the giraffe a killer whale had burst through the ground like a SeaWorld horror movie. Shamu captured the tuxedo clad warriors in his watery maw, and jagged whale teeth chomped down on their tubby penguin bodies! Like tomatoes in the grip of a bear trap the adorable birds burst apart into streaks of red gore. Decapitated! Deboned! Deveined! Spines spat across the ice! The carnivorous fish beached itself and thrashed to and fro, munching on the poor, fleeing penguins.

The Penguin Queen grasped her own head as though it might fly off and shrieked, “My babies!”

Shamu slipped back into the icy waters, grinning evilly. His whale lips steeped in blood. For a moment he paused, his eerily human like, bloodshot blue eye just above the water, and he looked at the remaining penguins as if to say, ‘I’ll be back.’ Then he silently sank down below.

“See?” Yuzuka said. “They’re just dumb, useless birds.”

“Would a dumb bird be able to do this?” the Penguin Queen asked.

The remaining penguins, about a hundred give or take, returned to their Queen. She motioned with her hand to lay down, and as if hypnotized into perfect synchronization, the penguins fell forward onto their white bellies.

“Rouler sur!”

The penguin hoard rolled over onto their backs, and then returned to their bellies.

“Debout!” The Queen raised her hand.

In unison the penguins hopped up.

“Prendre la parole!”

The penguins squawked like a chorus of a million kazoos reciting one of Krzysztof Penderecki’s compositions.

“Silence!” And they were all quiet once again.

Peter politely clapped, but the performance continued. The Penguin Queen led her subjects in a clumsy dance, ordering them to hold their fins out and hop around in circles together. And for the big finale, one bird breakdanced, doing the worm as best its tubby body could, and then the Queen knelt down and spun him around. During the adorable performance she smiled tremendously, cheering the birds on, and she forgot that Peter, Yuzuka, and Iumika were even watching. When the whole routine was over she sat down on the ice and hugged them and peppered their fluffy necks with kisses.

“Would a dumb bird be able to do that?” the Penguin Queen said proudly. “As you can see, they follow my every command in our special language, Penguinese.”

“Penguinese?” Peter asked. “Isn’t that just French?”

“What’s French?” Iumika asked.

Peter shouted to the birds, “Bonjour!”

The penguins waved at Peter as if to say hello and warbled their voices.

“Aimez-vous cette jeune fille?”

The penguins nodded.

The Penguin Queen was stunned stupid. It’s rare to see a monarch in the throes of aghastiness as her entire kingdom comes crumbling down around her. It’s like watching King Lear as preformed by booby, attention-starved video game cosplayers. Peter’s memory of French-1 recalled from classes spent half-asleep had wang-jangled the poor penguin sovereign down to her vestigial tailbone. How could it be? A human boy speaking Penguinese? Was her entire arctic kingdom built upon lies? Was her connection with her adoring birdies not as special as she had always believed?

“Impossible! No one on Earth can speak Penguinese except for me!”

“I told you she’s not a real queen,” Iumika said. “Those penguins will obey anyone.”

“My subjects are loyal to me and only me! They will not obey anyone else’s commands!”

“Oh yeah?” Iumika asked. “I bet that I can get your birds to defect and worship me as their new queen.”

“You dare usurp my throne?”

“I do dare!”

Iumika sat down on the ice and, eye with the penguins, she held out her arms as if to welcome them in a big hug. She cooed and beckoned them to come towards her, and then she made kissy noises. The penguins looked at the glittery Christmas elf with confusion, and shuffled dumbly, but did not inch forwards.

This failure encouraged Iumika to do more of the same, but louder, and with more violent gestures, swimming her arms around as if she could create a vortex in the air to draw them in. The Penguin Queen folded her arms and grinned a big smug smile at Iumika’s pathetic attempt, as a girl who observes her loyal boyfriend rejecting younger, prettier girls might smile. This only made Iumikaloathe her with the deepest loathing.

“Peter, give me some fish,” Iumika said.

Peter patted his pockets and said, “I don’t have any.”

“Ugh! Then what’s the Penguinese word for fish?”

“Poisson.”

“Hey! Hey, birdies!” Iumika called out. “Poison! I’ve got poison!”

But Iumika’s mispronunciation was her undoing! For you see, the French word for fish has a ‘pwah’ sound to it and the double s is like a gentle hiss. However Iumika said the word with a ‘poy’ sound and the single s was like a z. This made it sound like the English word ‘poison,’ as in something that kills you if you eat it. The penguins grimaced and shook their heads at Iumika as she offered them toxic treats from her empty hands. Not wanting to give up, this farce continued for far too long with zero penguins defecting over to Iumika’s fledgling monarchy.

At last she stood up, frustration replaced with good cheer as she said, “I know! They obey her because she dresses like a penguin! They’re too dumb to tell she’s a human! I’ll just disguise myself!”