My Girlfriend is Santa Claus & Together We Must Stop the Christmas Apocalypse Based on a True Story

Nothing gets the blood pulsing white hot adrenaline quite like firing anti-material rifles indiscriminately into avalanche country. Yuzuka, the pale Amazonian elf, had the shivers. Only a wanton massacre of defenseless penguins could satisfy her powerful lust for murder. So Peter and Yuzuka set off into the tremendous snowy dark of the North Pole to commit unspeakable crimes against penguinkind. These motherfudgers were asking for it. They had a dark side, and Yuzuka was more than happy to regale Peter with tales of their feathery depravity. An invasive species, eggnapping, cannibalizing, necrophiliaizing— penguins really do that! Look it up!

But this time, to Yuzuka’s annoyance and Peter’s delight, they were accompanied by Iumika, the thottiest of the Christmas elves— who snuck into Peter’s bed and accidentally smooched and slobbered all over another girl thinking she was her teenage human amour, if you can recall that chapter.

Iumika, with her blonde space buns and sparkly glitter makeup, invited herself along, claiming she was doing a “day in the life of” video about Peter. Gimbal and mirrorless camera in hand, the princess of selfies sat in Peter’s sledge and shouted her narration, “What’s up gamers!? It’s ya gurl, Iumika! Be sure to smash that like button and ring the bell if you want to see more videos about Peter! That’s right! Like the video before you watch it! Don’t wait for the video to be over! Like it right now! If we can get 10,000 likes I’ll do an exclusive bubble bath interview with Peter!”

On and on Iumika prattled, plugging her sponsorship with an illegal brand of peppermint schnapps, Pipärmyntumeister— turn your tastebuds into taste-enemies! Until at long last they discovered a colony of penguins huddled together, oblivious to all predators, and ripe for the picking. While Peter and Yuzuka assembled and loaded their rifles, Iumika duct taped a miniature camera to her prized animal companion, Hushy-Wushy the snow owl, and chucked her up into the sky to get some ariel coverage like an ornithopter drone.

Our vengeful duo, Peter and Yuzuka, dressed for success with many fluffy layers of Santa-red vestments, sure to keep them frost-bite free and highly visible to rifle-toting friendlies while hunting at the ass end of the polar ice cap. But Iumika dressed for a different kind of success— not for hunting game but for hunting boys— lonely, twinkish, coomer boys like Peter. A normal human girl would freeze to death, dressed as she was in the North Pole, but Iumika, with her elven blood and the sheer will to flaunt her figure, had unlocked the superhuman ability to trek through snow bare legged— once thought only possible by the jeikeis of Hokkaido.

So with much skin and with much more frilly white lace, the third wheel of the hunt disguised herself as the world’s worst bride’s maid— prepared to hijack the wedding and run off with the groom. Her intentions were clear. Iumika’s strategies had all the subtleness of a baseball bat thwack to the head.

Hopefully you’re not too eager for another chapter of penguin carnage, because on this day not a single shot would be fired from Peter’s rifle. No sooner was the gun locked and loaded than the ice beneath them began to vibrate menacingly. Yuzuka, quicker than a ravenous child tearing away at wrapping paper, pulled out a pair of ice axes, chipped them into the ground and gripped Peter’s jacket.

Iumika, even though she was buzzed and wearing high heels, leapt over a fissure in the ice to safety. What emerged from the ocean’s depths was horrifically adorable— terrifyingly cuddly— larger than God by at least twelve times, fluffier than a pompom ball, cuter than Emiru’s belly button— it was none other than the colossus penguin. The largest thing that waddled on the face of the earth.

Iumika, Yuzuka, and Peter gawked up at the beastly tower of a penguin before them, fearing for their lives and simultaneously wanting to bury their faces into its feathery chest. It quacked a deep and guttural wark, like an ancient being or an elder god from a penguin underworld.

From between its webbed feet shuffled a giant egg. Its perfectly smooth shell cracked and swung open like the gull-wing door to a DMC Delorean, and out stepped a magically adorable girl. Ferns of frost etchings accented across her royal armor. Penguins were embossed within her corset shaped cuirass. The damascened steel was so deeply oxidized it appeared black, and it was intricately inlaid with gold and silver feathers. With her winter beanie and feathery black cape, it was as if she herself were disguised as a penguin. Also like a penguin, Peter felt a desperate urge to hug her.

“The Penguin Queen of the South Pole!” Yuzuka was starstruck.

The colony of birds circled around their armor clad monarch. They cawed and squawked and sang praises to their majesty.

“You!” She pointed with her clawlike gauntlet to Peter. “You are the one guilty of using my adoring subjects as target practice!”

Peter pointed to himself as if to say ‘Who? Me?’

“Yes, you! The boy holding the six-foot-long rifle! Who else?”

The Queen looked at Peter as if it were his turn to talk. Not wanting to admit to any guilt, and not wanting to lie either, he just said, “Hi.”

“Hi? Hi? Are you— what the hell is wrong with you? You think you can slaughter my subjects and then greet me like that?”

Peter turned to Yuzuka and said, “What do I do here?”

Iumika reapplied some lip gloss and said,“Just ignore her. She’s not a real queen. She’s just a weirdo that lives in an igloo and gives fish to birds.”

“I am not a weirdo!” the Penguin Queen shouted.

“Maybe she could be a powerful ally,” Peter said.

“Unlikely,” Yuzuka said. “Penguins are stupid and have no combat abilities. She’d be pretty useless.”

“I’m right here!” The Penguin Queen said. “I can hear everything you’re saying!”

“We don’t care!” Iumika shouted.

Peter delicately whacked Iumika in the shoulder— knock it off! This is a delicate situation!

“Doubters! I will show you the incredible might of my penguin army!” The Penguin Queen dramatically raised a finger and then pointed it at a woolly giraffe minding its own business off in the distance. “Attaque!”