My Girlfriend is Santa Claus & Together We Must Stop the Christmas Apocalypse Based on a True Story

“Yah!” Peter bellowed like a rustic cowboy.

And the reindeer did absolutely nothing.

“The tine,” Yukina said.

Peter whisked the tine around in the air, and the sled jerked forward. Unhappy at their speed, he orbited it around the reindeer once more— and they were off! Rushing into Jack Frost’s frigid asshole!

The snow beneath Peters feet was only a slip away, a deadly white blur. The thunder of gallops stuffed his head. An adrenaline high pumped his heart full of dangerous lunacy. It was a rollercoaster gone off the track! Zero safeguards to stop Peter from flipping upside down and crashing into a horrible wreck.

He tested the reins to see if he could guide the reindeer to the right, and sure enough just a gentle pull to the right was all it took. He squinted through the frosty air at the dark trees ahead, then turned back to see if Yukina was still within sight. Winds ripped her fuzzy hat off his head— he quickly snatched it back down onto his scalp.

Not wanting to cut it too close to the trees, he began a wide turn with the reindeer, and like a rollercoaster gravity threw him to the opposite side. He clutched onto any part of the sledge his hand could find. And then when he looked into the dark forest he discovered something that made his blood run cold. The trees there were no ordinary trees, but metallic and crystalline, carved out of frozen gallium, each leaf a polished mirror. And within their tangle of reflective branches and trunks there stood the mysterious girl, silently watching him.

From her head full of brunette locks sprouted a great pair of antlers. With his eyes squinting against the deep freeze of the frosty air, and with the naked phantom standing at the precipice of his lantern light, and with the insane speed at which he was traveling, he could not distinguish much about this lone and dark figure. But he saw from the waist down, like a faun, her legs were beastly— furry, hooved, and knees bent backwards. Her eyes remained fixed on him, and glowed like the nocturnal eyes of a cat.

Peter’s phone rang. He pulled it out and squinted at the text message from the Snow Witch.

— Honeeeeey~! Why haven’t you txt me back yet? T___T

Peter bit the gloves off of his hands and tikka-tappa’d at the keyboard with his thumbs. His eyes jumped up and down between phone and galloping reindeer.

— Little busy right now. Learning how to drive a sledge. Could die at any moment! :D

He hit send and looked back over his shoulder for the reindeer girl. His phone chirped.

— Did you like my photos? >:3

— Like? I loved them! > ₃ <

Like an idiot, Peter was in the middle of typing in graphic detail how he was going to abuse himself to those photos tonight when the Snow Witch replied. So he reluctantly deleted his unfinished quip. Little did he know that deleted text would have grossed her out.

— Can you come to my evil ice castle today? We can Netflix and chill. (๑•́ 3 •̀๑)

— Already? I was just there yesterday.

— I miss u tho………… T_________T

— I miss u 2

Although, that was a lie. He typed it out of politeness. What else was he going to type? “Damn! Can’t you wait until Saturday?” Keeping a friend with benefits friendly was a full time job. Again, he looked behind for the naked reindeer girl, but saw nothing.

But oh no! Keep your eyes on the road, Peter! A deadly tree stump barreled toward him, sticking out of the snow like silver reindeer-seeking missile. He jerked the reigns right to turn the reindeer away, but the dumb animals split off in different directions— with Peter and the sledge dead centered and careening towards impact!

The boy’s only thought was: eject! Eject! He leapt from the sledge as it dashed upon the stump and snapped to pieces— splinters bursting in the air— seal oil lantern whisked off into the wind. Like a graceless dodo bird hurled into a wood-chipper, Peter flew through the air— upside-down — flapping his arms dumbly. Luckily for him, his head broke his fall, so when he ragdolled across the ice the only casualty to the nasty tumble were his bones and organs. Tuck and roll, Peter! Or don’t, I guess!

Let that be a valuable lesson: never text and sledge! Not even when your attention-starved magical girlfriend, who showers you with nude piccies, pesters you about how slow your replies are. Those pointless, brainrot conversations can wait until the next red light. Or else one minute you’re fulfilling your emotionally supportive duties as a boyfriend, complete with dumb emojis— the next second you’re a twisted heap in a snowbank, your neck broken, your sledge smashed to tiny bits.

But Peter’s neck was not broken. He lifted himself from the snow feeling bruised but overall glad. Anytime you can walk away from a vehicular disaster of such magnitude without a neck-brace, gurney, or getting your clothes cut off by EMTs was cause for celebration.

Off and away the dumb reindeer, freed from the sledge but still tethered together, dragged their harnesses behind like wedding trains as they circled about. He grabbed the tine and stomped over to go spank those furry idiots. For shame, Peter! Defecting the blame onto such innocent creatures.

He snatched up the lantern and found himself face to face with the gallium forest. Was the half reindeer girl in there, watching him right this very second? He looked into the dark abyss of trees. They held a pearlescent reflection of the green aurora in the sky, but he could not see the topless faunling.

A sign at the edge of the forest caught the lantern light. It was painted with a Krampus-looking ghoul looming over vaguely Peter-like skeletons. He imagined that someone at the workshop had been ordered to put this sign here specifically for him. It was full of ominous warnings, telling Peter to stop, to not enter the woods, that within the forest was nothing but certain death. It was a very long sign, full of gory details about how creatures inside the forest could pluck out his eyeballs, cut off his tongue, eat his hands, unravel his intestines, and slowly torture him until death would be a reprieve from his agony.

“Jesus,” he said.

But then beside that sign was another, smaller sign, which read, “Do it, faggot. Go in the forest. Are you scared? Are you gonna let a sign tell you what to do? Pussy! Pussy!”

At that moment the lantern flame went out. The darkness of the North Pole enveloped him. He felt a dangerous proximity to the forest. Peter scrambled to the shattered pieces of the sledge and looked for anything heavy that could be used to beat forest monsters to death. All around him he heard the two reindeer snorting and trotting.

“Yukina!” His voice melted away like a breath into the wind.

Far off in the distance he saw a sledge dashing towards him, Yukina’s hair flying in the wind. Then he looked back into the forest, and there was the shadowy figure standing and watching.

For a moment he felt like breaking the ice with a friendly ‘hello’ was in order. Maybe if she knew he wasn’t afraid, she would do him no harm. But then he thought, maybe she only hurt people who were dumb enough to speak to her. The antlered girl approached but stopped at the edge of the woods as if she could go no further. Was Peter safe so long as he remained back? Was there some sort of magic barrier there that he couldn’t see or feel? The girl carefully put her hoof out from the treeline and placed it down into the snow.

“Hey, you break anything?”

Yukina halted the sledge, flare in hand, pink fire and smoke licking the air around her. The reindeer picked up her scent and trotted towards her. When Peter looked back for the faunling she was gone.

“Did you see her?!” Peter shouted.

“See what?” she asked.

Peter was going to say “the reindeer girl,” but then he felt stupid. He had just crashed a sled into smithereens. To ramble about naked girls in the forest now seemed like he would be even more of an idiot.

“Sorry about your sledge,” Peter said.

“Don’t worry about it.” She playfully smacked him on the back. “Everyone has an accident like that sooner or later. The important thing is you’re okay. Santa would be so upset if you got hurt under my watch.”

Peter removed his hat and handed it back to her, but she said, “You hold onto it. You’ll need one for the next riding lesson.”

Together they salvaged whatever scraps of broken sled could be recycled. Straps of sealskin, reindeer horns, some of the sturdier birchwood that didn’t fracture. As they bundled the pieces together Peter kept looking over his shoulder back into the woods, wondering if he was endangering them by not mentioning the faunling. But once they began the trek back to the workshop he felt like whatever imminent danger there might have been was whispering away.

That was until Peter looked back and saw that instead of two reindeer following them to the workshop, there were three. He pointed this out to Yukina, so she beckoned them to run alongside their sledge so she could reach out and check the tags on their collars. Then she smiled, “Rarirurero? How’d you get all the way out here by yourself, girl? She’s the runt of the group. Always running off.”

Yukina, reins in one hand, a runner resting on her shoulder, tilted her head back and looked straight up at the sky. The aurora dangled above them like a majestic waterfall of blue and green light.

“Is it true they don’t believe in magic where you’re from?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“That’s just silly, isn’t it? Not believing in magic.”

“How so?”

“Well, look!” and Yukina gestured towards the northern lights above them. “You can literally see magic up in the sky every winter! You know Santa told me humans think the auroras are caused by magnets.” She chuckled. “Oh yeah, magnets. Do the magnets on your refrigerator make these gorgeous lights in the sky? No. They don’t. Fucking magnets.”

“I don’t believe in magic,” Peter said.

Yukina’s smile disappeared and she looked at him solemnly.

“Didn’t you get kidnapped by a Snow Witch that you brought to life with a magic top hat… yesterday?”

“I’m not talking about that kind of magic,” Peter said.

“I know what you mean,” Yukina said. “Sometimes real magic is just sitting by a fire with someone you love. Or sledging under the stars together. Sometimes we don’t notice the magic in life until we look back and realize we missed it.” She turned and looked at Peter in the eyes. “Don’t miss your chance, Peter.”

Peter nodded.

“Don’t miss your chance.”

“Okay.”

“Peter.” She widened her eyes at him. “Don’t miss your chance.”

“I won’t,” he said.

Yukina kept looking at Peter. He looked back at her, not knowing that she was waiting for him. After ample time, she turned back toward the reindeer and sighed.

“You missed it,” she said.

“Missed what?”

“Too late! It’s gone now! Gone, gone, gone. Better luck tomorrow.”

“What’s gone?”

“Goodnight, Peter!”

Yukina looked playfully angry at him and pulled the ushanka down over his eyes.