Limitless Evolution As a Snake

I’m coiled up in a drain pipe like a fat little corgi that gave up on life, and honestly? Feels great.

For the first time today, nothing is actively trying to kill me. Small wins.

Oi, Old Mate.

Stretching my jaw in a yawn that shows off my new and improved fangs.

How much IP I got sitting around?

The familiar text box flickers up in the corner of my vision, lazy as ever.

[Indulgence Points: 263]

Two hundred and sixty-three. Not bad, not bad. Enough to actually buy something instead of just window shopping like some broke loser pressing his face against a store window.

Show me what I can grab with that then, Rank D+ stuff. Don’t show me anything I can’t afford; I don’t wanna get my hopes up like an idiot.

Three options pop up, and I read through them slow, tongue flicking out every few seconds just cause it feels good, not cause I’m sensing anything useful.

[Lucky Bastard’s Five-Finger Flex] (Rank D)

Cost: 150 IP

Lucky Bastard’s Five-Finger Flex sounds like a straight-up cheat code. Rob a guy, get double the loot, easy. Except it comes out sticky and smelling like swamp water, which, alright, kind of ruins the whole ”free money” vibe. Nobody wants a wallet that smells like a dead frog lived in it.

[Apex Noodle Operating System] (Rank D)

Cost: 120 IP

Turns you into a god for 60 seconds. You get super strong, super fast, super smart, and actually hit what you aim at. The catch? The exact second the minute ends, your muscles completely turn off. You drop to the floor like a limp piece of wet spaghetti and can’t move at all for 45 seconds.

Notes: Great for winning a fight. Horrible if you are still standing next to the monster when the timer runs out.

Cooldown: 8 minutes.

Absolutely not. My dignity’s already hanging on by a thread.

[System: I didn’t know you had any dignity left?]

[Gaze of the Hypno-Noodle] (Rank D)

Cost: 180 IP

Then there’s the hypno one. Gaze of the Hypno-Noodle. Kaa from The Jungle Book vibes, and not gonna lie, I always thought that snake was kind of built different for a Disney villain.

Cool down: 2 hours.

Talk me through this one, the eye thing.

[System: Gaze of the Hypno-Noodle. Flare the hood, lock eyes, target goes full trance. They’ll do what you say, forget what you want forgot, hand over whatever you fancy. Downside: you don’t got eyelids, mate, so if some clown’s wearing mirrored sunnies or holding up a mirror, that beam bounces right back at you. You’ll be chasing your own tail for a solid three minutes. Also, fair warning, the manual’s glitchy here but I reckon there’s a side effect where people start clucking at trees. Don’t ask me.]

That’s insane.

[System: Yeah, nah, it’s a bit unhinged. But so are you, mate, so it evens out.]

Fair point actually.

Gotta think this through properly. Can’t just blow all my hard-earned IP on the first shiny skill that catches my eye like some kind of game-opening cspo skin’s with a gambling addiction.

Lucky Bastard’s Flex would be great for the money side of things. Twawi ain’t cheap, and I’d like to get Lyra something. But smelling like swamp water every time I rob someone kind of defeats the purpose of being a smooth criminal. I want people scared of me, not holding their nose.

Apex Noodle’s a hard pass. I already look like a drunk bungee cord most of the time. Don’t need a built-in ”surprise, I’m now a puddle” mechanic on top of that.

Which leaves the eye thing.

I slither out into the tunnel proper, scales scraping soft against the wet concrete, heading toward Lyra, hopefully still there.

The hypno thing though. That’s not just a mugging tool; that’s a whole different category of useful. Guards and bouncers, other women... Whoever’s running security at wherever I end up needing to walk into uninvited. Forget doubling loot, I could just tell someone to open a door and mean it.

Sure, there’s the mirror thing. Sure, I might end up chasing my own tail like a complete muppet in front of a crowd. But you know what, I’ve already embarrassed myself plenty this week. What’s one more?

Alright, lock it in, gimme the eye spiral one, and swap out the duck.

[System: Wow, no please and thank you? rude. Gaze of the Hypno-Noodle purchased. 180 IP spent, 83 IP remaining. Solid choice, mate. Try not to hypnotise yourself on day one, yeah.]

No promises.

I mutter, picking up the pace, tail flicking side to side as I head home to my girl.

[System: Matt, if you do hypnotise yourself, can I watch?]

Old Mate, no you can’t, shut up. Also, can I ask you something? And I want a real answer, not the usual sarcastic bullshit.

[System: that’s a tall order, fucker. Sarcastic bullshit is literally my job description. But go on, hit me.]

I draw a long, slow breath into my single lung. Or whatever the snake equivalent of bracing for impact is.

Do you actually know how this System works?

Silence.

Not the comfortable kind. The kind that would make the hair on your neck stand up, if I had any. The sentiment was there.

[System: ...yeah nah, not a clue mate. The manual’s all glitchy, so I make most of this shit up as I go.]

I stare at the tunnel wall. The words hang in the air like they’re physically present, floating between me and the concrete, written in neon and shame.

You what.

[System: manual’s fucked. Proper glitchy. Half the pages are missing, the other half are written in what looks like ancient alien but might just be really bad handwriting, and the index references sections that don’t exist. So yeah. Mostly winging it.]

YOU’RE WINGING IT??

[System: Well, when you say it like that, it sounds worse than it is-]

{{PLEASE READ THIS ON NovelPhoenix I NEED TO FEED MY KANGAROOS}}