Limitless Evolution As a Snake

The frantic earthquake in my chest completely stopped screaming in panic. A massive, incredibly wicked grin split my tiny reptilian face from ear to ear.

Oh, it is so absolutely over for the underworld. I am an untamable god of stealth. A phantom. A legendary ghost in the machine.

[System: HAHA! That’s the spirit! You’re off the charts. You unlocked the Coomer Mindset. Go claim your rewards! ya weapon!]

The panic turned into a warm buzz. The sewer smelled awful. My chin hit the wet tile, and I felt a wave of homesickness.

I’d kill for an iced americano. Or a hot shower. I’m caked in grease and fungus. I feel like old jerky.

[System: An iced americano in the sewers? Dream on, ya wanker! But I can unlock a water skill so you can bathe in an oil drum. Keep complaining about coffee first.]

I let out a tiny hiss.

No workers’ rights here.

[System: bloody hell cunt, let’s have a look at ya panel. Because you actually listened to my dare and snatched that Midnight Shroom right out from under the nose of a raging F+ Elf and a pissed-off cappy, the cosmic sorting hat is paying out big time. Let’s look at the math, you beauty of a degenerate bastard.]

Ding!

[SYSTEM DARE COMPLETED: AUDACITY OF A MURDEROUS WORM]

Description: Consume a high-tier Midnight Shroom directly from an active combat zone while remaining entirely pathetic.

Reward Paid: +3,500 EXP

[BIOLOGICAL HARVEST SUCCESSFUL]

Consumed: Midnight Shroom (Base Value)

Reward Paid: +500 EXP Total Experience Allocated: 4,000 EXP

My silver eyes snapped wide open.

Four thousand? Four thousand whole entire points?! That is so many points. That is genuinely so many points. Open the sheet. Open it open it open it.

Ding!

[STATUS PANEL] Name: Matthew Vane (Matt)

Current Form: Red-backed Parrot Snake (Hatchling)

Rank: F-Rank (Pathetic) Evolution Progress: 4,005 / 5,000 EXP

Available Balance: 4 IP

[Legless But Fast (Rank E)]: A genuinely good skill. Gives you a 300% explosive speed burst for two seconds. Perfect for biting something or running away like a bitch.

[Baby Seal Slap (Rank F)] —Raise your upper body and slam downward with the devastating force of a dropped pudding. Deals 0.01 damage but makes nearby loose change vibrate ominously.

[Thermal Camouflage (Rank F)]: Temporarily dampens your biological heat signature, matching your core temperature to the surrounding stone for 60 seconds.

Cooldown: 5 minutes.

Four thousand and five out of five thousand, huh. I am a titan of industry. I am a literal venture capitalist of the reptile kingdom. Look at that bar! One more push and I am completely out of the shoelace tier!

[System: Look out the window, twin-turbo. The dark elf and that amethyst capybara have absolutely battered each other, and the big rat is bleeding out. It’s time for you to slither out there and finish it off with a bite.]

A bite? Me? You want an angry chopstick to go play chicken with a giant mutant rodent?

[System: Here’s a fun fact: in this godforsaken undercity, only you have a System. That dark elf? She’s just a normal citizen. She doesn’t see blue screens, she doesn’t get experience points, and she doesn’t level up when things die. If that capybara drops, all that glorious elite boss EXP goes to whoever gets the final blow. If she kills it, the energy just wastes away into the soil. But if you sneak in and take the last bite... You steal that fat EXP farm]

Oh. Oh, that’s just free money. Doesn’t she have a system? She’s just... bleeding real blood onto real pavement while I’m sitting here crunching numbers in my head? And if I bite that dying creature’s throat, its entire life force gets vacuumed into my system?

[System: Bloody Oath, exactly, ya wanker! But wait, there’s more. Since you’re sitting on 4,000 EXP and you’re a paranoid little coward, I can offer you a premium currency exchange right now. I can convert 500 of your current EXP into 10 shiny new Indulgence Points. You can use those points to buy some actual combat skills from the newly refreshed shop before you go out there. What do you say? Do we adjust the skills?]

Convert it. Do it immediately. I am not stepping onto a live battlefield without some life insurance.

Ding!

[CURRENCY EXCHANGE SUCCESSFUL] Deduction: -500 EXP Credit: +10 Indulgence Points (IP)

[STATUS PANEL UPDATED] Evolution Progress: 3,505 / 5,000 EXP Available Balance: 14 IP

Old mate opened the shop. Let’s see what kind of randomised garbage we have to work with.

Ding!

[INDULGENCE SHOP]

[Blood Venom (Rank D)] (TRULY OP) Cost: 14 IP Makes all the blood in something turn into air. Just, like, immediately. All of it, poof, dead. Note: Highly lethal. Cooldown: 24 Hours.

[Glock-Jaw: Bullet Spit (Rank E)] Cost: 10 IP Spit bullets out of your mouth. They’re slow and don’t kill right away, but you can lick ’em with your venom first so they poison whatever you hit.

[Ovine Compact: Fluffy Ball (Rank F)] Cost: 5 IP Squishes you into a fluffy little ball. Really fluffy. Like, embarrassingly fluffy. You won’t get hurt if you fall. Sheep will not know you are not a sheep.

Note: You have to be near sheep for the sheep thing to work.

Note 2: You are a snake.

My brain stopped.

[System: HAHA! Now that is what I call a premium refresh, ya weapon! The RNG gods have truly blessed your down-bad soul today. Look at that Rank D beauty! Fourteen points! It’ll drain your entire liquid balance, but you’ll be a walking, slithering OSHA violation!]

Spitting 9mm bullets? I mused, staring at the second option. I am a piece of garden hose, not a tactical sidearm. Though coating them in venom for tick damage does sound like a highly efficient revenue stream.

[System: Okay, so the DPS is kinda low; that’s why it’s only E-Rank, but it’s ranged, so that’s good. But seriously, check out this other one! You could turn into a little fluffy cloud thing. You’d be so safe! Jump off a cliff, no problem; you’d just bounce. And you’d look cute. Also, if we go to New Zealand later, you’ll fit right in with all the sheep there! Careful with the locals, though.]

I’m not dressing up as a sheep for your weird New Zealand fantasy, you psycho.

I snapped, my tail twitching.

But that Rank D skill... it just turns their blood into air? That’s not just a good deal; that’s a total cheat code. Just buy Blood Venom. Buy it now.

Ding!

[PURCHASE CONFIRMED]