Limitless Evolution As a Snake

I’m camouflaged!

I panicked, trying to speed-waddle-slide my bulging, neon throat toward the shadows of the ruined Madons.

My heat signature is dead! She can’t see me! ...Right? She can’t see me. She definitely can’t see me. I’m basically invisible.

[System: Yeah, she can’t see your heat, you absolute potato. But you currently look like a glowing rave glow-stick vibrating across the floorboards, look up ya idiot.]

I froze, my tiny red chin pressing flat against the freezing concrete. Slowly, I tilted my silver slit eyes upward.

Through the dim, apocalyptic gloom, the dark elf’s gaze swept across the cracked asphalt. Her eyes passed right over my camouflaged body and then snapped right back, locking directly onto the comically oversized, pulsing rgb bulge vibrating in the middle of my frame.

The laws of physics might have been putting in overtime on her leather outfit, but right now, her entire predatory focus was putting in a double shift on me. She realised her entire hunt had just been derailed by a minor anomaly. She lowered her recurve bow, the glowing green tip shifting away from the roaring capybara and aiming dead-centre at my tiny, shroom-filled body. Her pointed ears twitched, a look of profound, furious disbelief crossing her stunning face.

”A... a shoelace?” she whispered, her emerald eyes narrowing into slits. ”A tiny red shoelace just swallowed the bait?!”

Thump-thump-thump.

Behind her, the enraged, radioactive capybara was already turning around for another charge, completely losing its mind now that the delicious magical scent had vanished. But the elf didn’t care. She was looking right at me, and her finger was slipping off the bowstring.

[System: Oh, bloody hell. Matt... she’s locking on, mate. You’re about to get properly killed.]

Ding!

[ALERT: DETECTED BY TARGET!]

F+ Rank Hunter ’Dark Elf Archer’ has noticed your absolute audacity.

Current Status: Targeted.

Warning: Camouflage will not protect you from glowing green arrows.

My [Thermal Camouflage] was a ticking clock, pouring ice water down my scaley spine to keep my heat signature masked, but it didn’t do a damn thing about the literal RGB shroom beacon radiating from my mouth. Every millimetre I wiggled across the cracked asphalt felt like an eternity.

To make matters worse, my survival instincts decided that the best way to hide a glowing object was to swallow it on the run.

Alright, Matt.

I told myself, my inner monologue straining against the sheer weight of my prize.

You’re a professional, probably. You’ve done worse things than this, like trying to talk to women and salvaging your own pride. Just stretch and slide.

I executed a desperate, incremental pulse of my jaw.

Click.

My lower jaw split wide, the skin and scales stretching so thin I could actually see the purple light refracting through my own throat tissue. I looked like a tiny, pulsing red glow-stick having a medical emergency.

[System: HAHAHAHA! Oh, bloody hell, mate! Look at you! You absolute, unconditional legend! I am genuinely creasing up over here. A living red charging cable just straight-up robbed an F+ Rank sexy elf and a radioactive amethyst capybara. If I had hands, I’d be clapping. Absolute cinema.]

Stop... laughing... and... navigate!

My thoughts were heavy and sluggish as the stalk of the Shroom slid into my esophagus.

The flavour hit me instantly. It didn’t taste like the dusty, metallic coin texture of the dust bunnies I swallowed on the way here. The Midnight Shroom tasted like pure, unadulterated static electricity.

The cap slid past the point of no return, and I had exactly one millisecond to think oh no before my entire nervous system forgot what it was doing and remembered all at once. Every micro-muscle from my jaw hinge to the last inch of my tail fired in a single, catastrophic, deeply personal chain reaction. My vision didn’t just flash violet. It went violet, held violet, savoured violet.

Fuck-haah, I’m going to need a few more of those.

I couldn’t stop. I kept my head low, dragging my distended, pulsing front half forward while my tail squiggled frantically behind me. Ahead, the giant, soot-covered yellow ’M’ of the ruined Madons loomed like a sanctuary of grease and salvation.

I slid over the threshold of the shattered glass entrance, slipping past a rusted, half-collapsed ice cream machine that probably never worked in the first place, and wedged my tiny, distorted body deep inside a crack inside one of the drink machines.

I instantly transformed into a terrifying crimson bead necklace, or anal beads, whatever. A massive, glowing orb was wedged right in the centre of my frame, making me look less like an exotic designer pet and more like a snake that accidentally swallowed a lightbulb.

[System: Right, you’re in the safe zone. Mostly. Unless someone decides they want a glowing red string as a nightlight. But seriously, mate, top-tier performance. I didn’t think you had the balls for a tactical heist. Actually... do you have balls? Do snakes have balls...?]

I slumped my chin onto the cool, grimy tile of the fast-food kitchen, letting out a ragged hiss.

Yeah... well... low risk, high reward. That’s... strategy. Now let me digest this thing in peace.

[System: OH THERE INSIDE YOUR BODY, ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS MATT? YOU’VE GOT DUAL EXHAUST?! TWO PORK SWORDS?! You’re a piece of red licorice and the universe handed you a twin-turbo kit! You lucky, degenerate bastard. If you wrap around that elf’s leg later, you’re basically a walking safety hazard!]

Before I could even close my silver slit eyes to process the massive influx of energy, the System piped up in my head with the barely-suppressed glee of a bloke who’d been sitting on a piece of gossip all night and finally, finally couldn’t hold it in anymore.

My rocks for brain completely shattered, and the sheer, unadulterated brain rot took over.

Wait... two?! I have a twin-turbo setup! A dual-monitor display of pure, unadulterated degenerate power!

In my old life, I was the guy who got a panic attack just ordering a coffee from a pretty barista. I was a certified, card-carrying member of the lifetime virgin club. Two dicks. I have two dicks.

In my next evolution, I’d better get to keep both of them. That would be helpful. That would be extremely helpful. I’m going to be the most helpful snake in the entire Undercity. I’m going to-

Thump