Roommates With Benefits [BL]

After we bared our souls, we both seemed a bit lost, unsure of what to do next.

Somehow, our first date had morphed into a support group for emotionally unavailable people, even though we weren’t exactly nailing that whole ’unavailable’ thing.

We had both carried feelings for others who weren’t even at the table, and now here we were, admitting it over drinks like two folks who accidentally wandered into the wrong therapy session.

Connor took a sip of his drink, staring thoughtfully at the remaining liquid.

”So,” he finally said, ”we’re both disasters.”

I couldn’t help but smile. ”Pretty much.”

”At least we’re honest disasters.”

”That doesn’t exactly make it better.”

”No, but it sounds better.”

A soft laugh escaped me as I leaned back in my chair.

The bar had quieted down a lot as the evening wore on.

Most of the crowd had thinned out, leaving just a few occupied tables, and the music was low enough that we could hear the occasional clink of glasses behind the counter.

Connor looked at me for a moment. ”So you really love him?”

His question was simple, but the way he asked it made it hard to just brush off. I glanced down at my hands.

”Yeah.” No hesitation there. ”I do.”

Connor nodded slowly. ”What happened?”

I hesitated for a few seconds, weighing how much I wanted to share.

There were parts of my past with Damien that felt personal, and I wasn’t in the mood to spill every ugly detail of my life to someone I met at a wedding a few days ago.

Plus, if I launched into the whole story, we might still be talking when the sun came up.

”It was complicated,” I finally said. ”We were young and in love, but his family situation was... tough. They fucking hated my guts and shit and they wanted him to stick to their plans for his life.”

Connor listened without interrupting.

”Eventually, he went back to his family,” I continued. ”We thought it would just be for a year, and we’d work through it. Then we’d be together again.”

I tried to laugh, but it came out devoid of humor. ”Obviously, that didn’t happen.”

Connor’s expression softened. ”You waited for him?”

”For a while.”

”Four years?”

I glanced over at the bar. ”Apparently.”

He didn’t push me for details on why I hadn’t moved on sooner or say I was wasting my life.

Instead, he nodded like he understood that sometimes time just drags on without changing what’s inside you.

”I haven’t heard from him in years,” I admitted. ”Then suddenly, he popped right back up.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. ”At the wedding?”

”And at my university.”

His mouth dropped open slightly.

”He showed up at your university?”

”He sat in on one of my classes.”

Connor stared at me. ”That’s either sweet or totally creepy.”

”Both.”

He chuckled, and I smiled back.

”He told me he came back for me,” I said softly.

Saying it out loud felt strange, even now. ”He said that?”

”Yeah.”

”And what did you say?”

”That it was too late.”

Connor studied me for a moment. ”Was it?”

I didn’t respond. Instead, my fingers found the familiar chain resting against my skin under my shirt.

Connor noticed but didn’t say anything. I let my hand fall back into my lap.

”I don’t know,” I finally admitted, feeling that it was the truest answer I could give.

Connor took another drink. ”Yeah.”

Something in his voice caught my attention. He was staring into his glass now, rubbing his thumb around the rim.

”What about you?” I asked. ”You mentioned eleven years.”

He gave a soft laugh. ”Unfortunately.”

”You need to elaborate more on that.”

Connor sighed, leaning back in his chair more comfortably. ”Their name is Taylor.”

There was a brief pause before he continued.

”We grew up together, our families were close, so they were always around. We were basically best friends before anything else.”

He smiled faintly. ”I fell for them when I was about fifteen.”

”Fifteen?”

”Yep.”

”That’s pretty young.” I said, at fifteen I had girls I liked, sure...but never anyone I was in love with.

”I know.” He chuckled softly. ”I was an idiot.”

I smiled. ”What happened?”

Connor turned the glass slowly between his hands. ”I told them. Yeah, I wasn’t subtle about it.”

”Apparently not.”

”They didn’t reject me.”

I frowned. ”That sounds promising.”

”It should have been.”

Connor’s smile faded for a moment.

”Their father was strict and didn’t want them dating in high school, so Taylor said we could be together once we got to college.”

”And you believed him.”

”Of course.”

His voice softened. ”I was fifteen and completely in love with them. They were my best friend, and they knew how I felt.”

Connor took another drink.

”We stayed close...probably too close. We’d kiss sometimes, fall asleep together, talk every night. They’d tell me they loved me but said they couldn’t officially date me with his father around.”

I could see where this was headed.

”But then college came, right?” I said.

Connor nodded. ”And they still weren’t ready.”

He laughed, but there was no real humor in it. ”They started making new friends, a lot of whom were guys and girls they seemed really interested in.”

I stayed quiet.

”They’d still tell me they loved me, and whenever I started to pull away, Taylor suddenly be affectionate again, and I’d convince myself maybe this time was different.” Connor kept rubbing the edge of the glass as he spoke. ”Then I’d find out Taylor was seeing someone else.”

My chest tightened.”That happened more than once?”

He shot me a look. ”You really don’t want me to answer that.”

I sighed. ”Alright.”

”Let’s just say I got really good at forgiving people who didn’t deserve it.”

I looked at him sympathetically. ”So how long did that go on?”

”Until graduation.”

I stared at him. ”You stayed in that situation until graduation?”

”Yeah.” Connor shook his head. ”I kept thinking that if I loved Taylor enough, eventually they’d choose me.”

His voice broke a little on the last word, and he quickly took another drink like he could wash that emotion away.

”But eventually, I realized something.”

”What’s that?”

”Taylor didn’t need to choose me.” Connor looked straight at me. ”Taylor knew I was there. They just liked having me around.”

Those words hung in the air between us. I could relate more than I wanted to.

There was something painfully familiar about loving someone while silently wondering if they were actually choosing you or just assuming you’d never leave.

Connor smiled bitterly. ”Cutting them off was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”

”Did you really?”

”Eventually.” He finished his drink. ”After that, I dated around. Quite a bit, actually.”

”That seems healthy.”

”It wasn’t.”

I laughed. ”Thanks for clarifying.”

He shook his head. ”None of it lasted. I’d convince myself I liked someone, we’d go out for a bit, and eventually, I’d realize part of me was still comparing them to Taylor.”

I looked down at the table. ”And that’s what happened with me?”

”Kind of.” He smiled apologetically. ”I had just come out of a messy breakup when I asked Maya about you.”