Rising Shards

Marmalade and I were a sight for sure. My stupid-ass giant monster arm was one thing, but now she had a glowing mark on her.

”That’s...new,” Marmalade said. Again, she was way too chill given the circumstances, but I also thought that was awesome.

”Is that like...a vein glowing?” I asked.

”Maybe?”

”Do you feel sick or anything?” I asked.

”No, I don’t, actually,” She looked closer. ”No, actually, it’s like...whoa, wait...”

”What?” I asked.

”Isn’t that where you scratched me?” Marmalade asked.

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about, which made me feel like an idiot because it was just weeks ago. After one of my early Downside trips, Marms and I were hanging out in our room, and I accidentally scratched her on the arm, and it felt like for a second I had at least one of the claws that I currently was stuck with.

”That’s...probably bad,” I said, swallowing. I immediately hated the idea that I inflicted any of this on Marmalade.

”Is it, though?” Marmalade asked. ”It probably won’t even work on me.”

”What do you mean?” I asked.

”Whatever it is that lets Cani shapeshift, I have low numbers in,” Marmalade said. ”Even if my arm is...glowing. It probably won’t be anything like what you have going on.”

Marmalade sighed, a bitter smile on her face. I didn’t get why, then I felt like even more of an idiot. Duh, a trans girl would absolutely be sad about having low levels of shapeshifting ability.

”Well, I dunno if it’d be great to have any more of this kind of shapeshifting power, but I would give you mine if I could,” I said.

”Maybe you could?” Marmalade said. ”Just thinking out loud here, maybe this is the something she wants?”

”I did have that urge to grab your arm...then it started glowing,” I said. 

”Maybe it wants to spread...” Marmalade said.

”Like...do you think I actually could give you some of the power by scratching you?” I said. It made sense more than anything else I could think of, I decided this had to be what Downside wanted. Why else would my arm get all weird like that? ”I don’t want to put you through this.”

”It seems pretty awesome for you,” Marmalade said. ”Then we could do this together even more!”

She was, again, extremely too chill about this. Not a concerning level, but one that was really surprising to me. I knew Marms was cool, but she was being even cooler than I could have ever dreamed.

”Here, let’s try it now,” Marmalade said. She waved her glowing arm in front of me, then laughed. ”Yeah, I think that might be it.”

”Huh?” I said.

”Kalei, you’re drooling,” Marmalade said.

I wiped my lips, and sure enough, I was. ”What the hell...”

”So Downside wants some of me, huh?” Marmalade said.

My heart skipped a beat. I’m sure it’s just the Downside, nothing else, right? That’s what I told myself at least.

”Maybe if you scratch me again or something your arm will go back to normal,” Marmalade said.

”But...that might make you like...” I gestured to myself, starting with my left arm but needing to stop mid motion because the instant I moved a centimeter the urge to grab Marmalade’s arm spiked in me, so I finished with the right. ”This hasn’t been easy. I don’t even know if this has been worth whatever I wanted from it...it’s honestly awful a lot of the time, trying to keep this in at school, at beam chasers...like, it’s risky, Marms.”

Marmalade nodded. ”Yeah...I’ve seen it. But maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if you weren’t alone? I mean, you have Aira and Syval...”

”Their powers are different, though,” I said. ”I think, at least. Well, they don’t shift like I do.”

It warmed my heart to think of Marmalade wanting to help me like this. But it was a gamble, and I really didn’t want to put her through it even if whatever the hell the Downside inside me was begged for it.

”Listen, we don’t even know if it’ll work,” Marmalade said, reading my expression. ”But it’s what she wants, so maybe we can try it just to get your arm back to normal?”

The logic was sound, at least to my stupid self. It probably wouldn’t be any dumber than anything else we’d done so far, but I was really wary about putting Marmalade through this.

”And I mean it, I’d be fine,” Marmalade said. ”It might even be...good for me.”

”I dunno...I really...” I couldn’t think of the words I wanted to say. Feelings deep in my gut that were almost formless.

”Back at the end of that time Ovie’s group pulled you into the void, remember those Sharai Daggers?” Marmalade said.

”I can’t forget those,” I said. Not ever.

”Well, I don’t need to remind you of the time I got all stupid and thought those would help me, right?” Marmalade said. ”I stole one and almost used it on me.”

Those things turned Ovie and 09 into something way more monstrous than any time I’d gone full Downside. I remembered some note in the Taramin Labs about the devil junk being like a more controlled version of the power the daggers had.

”That...doesn’t really help, though,” I said. ”Like, I guess this isn’t as bad as that, but it’s still the same thing. You don’t need to have a monster side.”

”No, it’s like! I’ve grown since then!” Marmalade said. ”I don’t need it. And I’m happy as me. This wouldn’t be for me. Well, I can’t deny the shapeshifting even a little would be nice, but...but I’d be doing this for you, mainly! Plus, if we both have it, it might be easier to tell the others? Which we are still doing by the way.”

Marmalade poked me. If she was at all torn up about any of this, she didn’t show it. If she wanted it, and it could get me back to normal, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to give into what Downside wanted this time.

”Are you sure?” I asked.

”About telling them? Hell yes I am! We gotta.” Marmalade said.

”Not that, I know that, the you part,” I said.

”I already got a glowing arm here, Kalei, it might be too late to do anything else,” Marmalade said.

I got that feeling again, like I was stuck in a snowball rolling down hill, picking up more and more each second, unable to stop it or turn away from the path it was on.

”Let’s just try it,” Marmalade said. ”If it gets me all messed up, we’ll go to the nurse right away.”

”We might have to miss the whole thing tonight, then,” I said. I wanted to do what Marmalade wanted, but as I saw it, the things she wanted were at odds with each other unless this worked out perfectly.

”I won’t be mad,” Marmalade said. ”But I have a good feeling this will work and we won’t even have to worry about it.”

It was really hard to turn down the smile she gave me. Her face was kind of lit up by the whole glowing arm thing.

”Fine, let’s do it,” I said. ”Do I just...scratch you again?”

Marmalade shrugged, still smiling. ”Probably. You think it’s bite transmitted?”

”I’m not gonna bite it, let’s just...” I said ”Trust whatever instinct it is.”

”Got it,” Marmalade said.

If we debated it any longer, we’d just get stuck going in circles. I had reservations, Marmalade did not have as many, but we both knew this needed to be taken care of. Marmalade held her hand toward me, and my monster-ified hand reached to her. I let instinct take over.