Rising Shards

For some reason, it was easier to get started with Alix when we were in a hotel than it was at home. There it was like, we were free to do whatever and just having fun, but I felt myself second guessing a lot more as soon as we started getting even just a bit handsy.

”We could go into my room, or we could stay here, but my room has a bed, but my bed’s really not that big, but out here...hm...” I said. I started taking my sweater off, then realized we had barely even started kissing yet and got into a huge debate when I should do that or if I need to get into the foreplay more, or if it’s too soon for the foreplay, or too late. ”Sorry, I’m being so awkward.”

Like, we’d had sex already. I’d put a collar on this woman, this shouldn’t have been so tricky. Maybe the tense feelings from earlier were popping up again? I really didn’t mind her tastes being so different than my own, I kinda liked how far apart they were already. Surely we’d find some more common ground the further we went.

”It’s alright!” Alix said. ”If you’re anxious about me, like the guilt of it all is settling in, I totally get it.”

”What guilt?” I said.

”Uh, I get that a lot is all, like the ’why am I sleeping with you’ feelings...you know?” Alix said.

”Maybe that rich lady or Kitty would feel like that, but I wouldn’t ever feel guilty being with you,” I said. ”Maybe I’m just being so awkward because it’s been a long time since I’ve had anyone over. I mean, friends, sure, but not anyone I’m romantic with.”

”Huh...” Alix said. ”That’s so...”

”Weird? Stupid? I know,” I said. ”We’ve already fucked, so I dunno why I’m in my head about this.”

”I was gonna say interesting!” Alix said. ”It kind of reminds me of when I debate with myself over every little thing. Sometimes I envision the scenario in my head first, but that usually takes more time and my imagined results don’t necessarily line up with reality, but at least that’s something? Maybe try that?”

”I suppose, but...” I sighed. ”Sorry. I’m so awkward. You got to see the awesome side of me before on the trip, but in regular life I’m...so, so awkward. You’re trying your best on this and I’m just flubbing it every second. My pretending to be cool is catching up with me.” I was apparently way more in my head and anxious about this than I realized.

”Aw, Pippi...” Alix gently stroked my cheek. ”You don’t have to pretend to be cool, you are cool.”

”Pfft, no way,” I said.

”I’m serious, I pretended to be cool to try and win the Cool Biker Chick Contest sponsored by that bicycle gang organization because I wanted to win that model train set, and you meet all their criteria of what cool is.”

I didn’t really follow that, but I appreciated the sentiment.

”You don’t mind me not being as cool as I was on vacation?” I asked. ”Or this being super awkward?”

”Well, it is a lot more awkward than I’m used to,” Alix said. ”But...usually my dates aren’t awkward, they’re more of the mean and uncomfortable variety. So this is a nice change. Plus, I like figuring out the awkward stuff with you. You’re very patient in spite of my...whole deal. So I have to be patient too when you’re having a spell of the ol’ second guessery.”

That made my heart swell. I gave her a soft, gentle kiss. I could do that without second guessing myself, at least.

”Also, we don’t even have to fuck tonight if you don’t wanna!” Alix said, her bluntness kind of doing a number on the mood, but in that fun Alix Corinani way that I loved.

”Yeah, true,” I said. ”And I appreciate you saying that. But...”

”You still wanna, too?”

I nodded. ”You’re so hot,” I buried my face in my hands. ”Sorry, I know we’re having a good talk here, but it’s true, and I still want you very badly. You showed me that clip of your ass, we can’t not have sex after that. OK, we can, and it is good that we can both agree when to skip it...but I want it. Am I making any sense?”

”Heh, you’re making perfect sense to me,” Alix chuckled. ”How about in this case, when you’re stuck I can try to make the decision, then when I’m stuck you can make it! I say we stay right here, because we’re comfy and having fun.”

”That does take care of my first debate,” I said. Alix managed to navigate my awkward dorky second guessing, and I helped out with her...unique brand of overthinking. Maybe we could cover for each other when the other got in a state of gridlock. I kinda liked how that sounded.