Rising Shards

Back when I first started transitioning, way before my fangs came in and I got the pills for Cani, I had a phase where I wanted everything to change immediately. I had already grown my hair out and was on puberty blockers and was giddy every time I passed without saying anything, but I wanted to flip that switch and just get all the changes done. I had maybe also been paging through some fashion and modeling magazines I got at the free bin at the library Stella was working at and feeling a bit envious of the physiques of the women in that. It may still be baffling but I somehow didn’t equate me staring at beautiful women for hours on end to have anything to do with my attraction to them, my romantic preference awakening somehow coming a bit after my gender identity awakening.

It was back at the old apartment, the skyscraper one in Litus Empirica, and I huffed as I turned the page on another bikini model, sitting on the floor. Stella was doing paperwork behind me, probably taxes or something too boring for me to pay attention to. I stood up, and huffed again.

”What’s wrong?” Stella asked, not looking up.

”I want boobs,” I announced.

Stella laughed right away, the kind of laugh only an older sibling could give that stung in its own way.

”I’m serious!” I said. Sometimes this would be the kind of thing I’d have trouble saying out loud (something that had followed me all the way from back then to me sitting right next to my girlfriend in her room having to text her about sex because it was too hard to verbalize otherwise), but sometimes that block wasn’t there. I guess my desire for a bigger chest overrode my prudishness.

”Well, good luck with our genes.” Stella said. As I eyed the freezer in the kitchen behind her, she added, ”And don’t try that ice trick, it doesn’t work.”

”What? I wasn’t going to try any ice trick...” I said. ”Maybe I just wanted a nice, cold beverage.”

”I was in the waiting room at the clinic when you overheard those girls talking about putting ice packs on their chests to make their boobs grow faster,” Stella said. ”Trust me, it doesn’t work.”

”How do you know?” I pouted. ”Wait, no no, I don’t wanna hear about this!” I clutched my head, my desire for a changing body ended up making me more embarrassed. ”...it really doesn’t work?”

”Nope,” Stella said. ”There are times you gotta deal with the hand you’re given, and times you throw the cards to the ground. You not feeling like yourself and wanting those big changes? That’s a hand you throw down, flip the whole table over for. Not having big boobs yet? For now, you gotta deal with this particular hand you’re dealt. Once you’re older maybe things will be different, so be patient.”

In the moment it ended up just being a pain, as Stella teased me for a fair chunk of time while also making me embarrassed hearing about my sister’s failed attempts at an ice pack trick and a few others when she was my age. In hindsight, it was part of a long lineage of memories that made me glad she raised me and not our parents. I don’t know if I even would have been able to transition at all if they were my sole caretakers. I would’ve still just been an empty husk of a person performing poorly in the role fate had thrown down upon me. But in large part thanks to Stella, I got to find the real me.

Once real me was discovered, I started discovering more about myself, including finally getting to that attraction part. In regards to Oka, my staring time for her was pretty much all around her body, but I did have focus on certain areas of her.

We were still just texting our feelings about sex and such out, wading our way through a creek we’d only just begun to traverse.

”So. Boob talk. Tell me, Zates, you a boob gal or a butt gal? Especially in regards to yours truly.” Oka sent, along with some smug emojis. Which was hilarious because she was red in the face from blushing so hard and looked like she wanted to bury herself under at least twelve blankets.

”Ah dang I was getting ready for boob talk not impossible choice talk XD”

”I dare ya to pick one punk”

”punk!?!? and i cant decide thats not fair. both your boobs and your butt are amazing.”

There was a pause before Oka sent her next message. I worried I said something weird or something she didn’t like.

”OK I have a request. And feel free to say no.”

”Whaaat...?”

”I know you don’t like to swear so feel free to shut me down, but I think it’d be really neat if you said my ass looks good.”

”I just did!!”

”No, but like the verbiage Zeta! I just think if we’re gonna talk about some of this it may be good to upgrade that verbiage, you know? Might feel more in the moment if we have the right words for it, not just using butt and junk for our...butts and junk.”

”Level up our speaking so to speak”

”Exactly!”

I rolled my eyes more out of embarrassment for getting called on the spot for my language. I didn’t like swearing much, but I agreed with her point there. If we were going to explore this stuff, we should be more comfortable talking at least a pinch more frankly about it.

”Fine. Your ass is amazing.”

Oka’s giggle as she leaned back, kicking her feet forward excitedly made the momentary embarrassment worth it.

”I think boobs is fine though I’m not gonna call them your hongas fonanonanges or whatever Kalei said.”

”We don’t need to bring any unique Kalei verbiage to our body parts today I don’t think,” Oka kept giggling. ”So what do you like about em. You said you could go in depth about boobs, I wanna hear it.”

”Oh, I can,” I said. ”Mainly about yours.”

”Obviously! Who else would you want to talk about? OK, Raina Starlight, fair, she has an amazing figure, but that better be it unless you want to compare my boobs to our friends and make me mad.”

”Anything outside of me talking about you would have been Raina, yeah,”

”Well, don’t make me get jealous of Raina, so focus on me right now,” Oka said.