Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The dormitory was silent, save for the rhythmic, congested snoring of Gregory Goyle. The green light from the Black Lake filtered through the heavy velvet curtains, casting undulating shadows across Orion’s bedspread.

Orion sat cross-legged, a heavy book serving as a desk on his lap. He dipped his eagle-feather quill into a pot of ink, his expression one of focused calculation.

”You look like you’re plotting a murder,” Sparkle observed, her interface glowing dimly so as not to wake the others. ”Or a manifesto. Which one is it?”

”Neither,” Orion murmured, scratching the nib against the parchment. ”I am plotting a heist. Or rather, a strategic disarmament.”

He looked down at the paper. He knew the Weasley twins. They were chaos incarnate, brilliant in their own way, and fiercely protective of their pride. Orion had just publicly thwarted their masterstroke prank on Slytherin House.

”They won’t take this lying down,” Orion whispered. ”Fred and George operate on the law of escalation. I stopped the pink noses; they will respond with something worse. Dungbombs in the common room? Canaries in the soup? Or something targeted specifically at me and Draco.”

”So, you want to strike first?”

”I want to blind them,” Orion corrected. ”Right now, they have a tactical nuke in their pocket: The Marauder’s Map. With that map, they can track every movement I make. They can see me going to the Room of Requirement. They can see me visiting Fluffy. They can see me sneaking into the library Restricted Section.”

He paused, ink dripping from his quill.

”It is an information hazard. As long as they have it, I cannot operate freely. Therefore, the Map must be confiscated.”

”But you can’t just ask for it. And stealing it yourself is risky if they catch you in the Gryffindor tower.”

”That,” Orion smirked, ”is why I have an agent. And why I am about to gaslight them with anime references they cannot possibly understand.”

He returned to the parchment. He wrote in block capitals, disguising his usual elegant script.

CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNIQUE

TO: AGENTS GRED AND FORGE

INTEL RECEIVED FROM THE HEIR OF THE MARAUDERS SUGGESTS A COMPROMISE IN SECURITY PROTOCOLS. YOUR POSSESSION OF THE ARTIFACT (CODENAME: THE MAP) HAS BEEN FLAGGED.

FOR THE SAKE OF MAINTAINING THE FRAGILE PEACE BETWEEN WESTALIS AND OSTANIA, I HAVE ACQUIRED THE ARTIFACT FOR SAFEKEEPING. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RETRIEVE IT. THE MISSION DEPENDS ON YOUR DISCRETION.

REST ASSURED, THE MAP WILL BE UTILIZED FULLY FOR MAINTAINING WORLD PEACE.

SINCERELY,

LOID FORGER

(CODENAME: TWILIGHT)

Orion rolled the parchment tightly and tied it with a plain black ribbon.

”Perfectly cryptic,” Orion noted. ”It references their nicknames. It references the ’Heir’—which they will might associate with Potter, which for now even he is not aware about. And it references nations that don’t exist in this world. They will spend weeks trying to decode ’Westalis’. It will drive them insane.”

He placed the scroll on the bed and whispered into the dark.

”Dobby.”

CRACK.

The house-elf appeared instantly, eyes wide and tennis-ball-like in the gloom. He was wearing a tea cozy as a hat today.

”Master Orion calls?” Dobby squeaked. ”Is there more meat needed? Dobby can raid the kitchens again!”

”No meat tonight, Dobby,” Orion leaned in close, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. ”Tonight, I have a mission of the utmost importance. A mission... to save the world.”

Dobby gasped, his hands flying to his mouth. ”Save the world? Dobby can help save the world?”

”Only you, Dobby,” Orion nodded solemnly. ”There is a dark plot afoot. A plot that threatens the safety of every student in this castle, including myself and Harry Potter.”

At the mention of Potter, Dobby’s ears quivered.

”Harry Potter is in danger?”

”Potentially,” Orion lied smoothly. ”Unless we secure a dangerous artifact. Currently, it is in the possession of the Weasley twins—Fred and George. It is a piece of old parchment. It looks blank, but it is dangerous magic. They carry it on them, likely in a pocket, or keep it hidden in their bedside table. They think it’s a toy, but it’s not safe with them.”

Orion handed Dobby the rolled-up scroll.

”Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the Gryffindor dormitory. Find the parchment—it will smell of old magic. Swap it with this note. Leave the note in its place.”

Dobby nodded so hard his ears flapped against his cheeks. ”Dobby will do it! Dobby is sneaky! Dobby will swap the dangerous paper for Master’s secret message!”

”You must not be seen,” Orion warned. ”If they catch you, the mission fails. The peace between Westalis and Ostania depends on you, Dobby.”

”Dobby will be a ghost!” the elf promised. ”For Master Orion! For Harry Potter!”

CRACK.

Dobby vanished.

Orion let out a long breath, falling back onto his pillows.

”Now we wait,” he whispered. ”If this works, I own the school. If it fails... well, I guess I’ll have to explain why I’m writing fanfiction to the Weasleys.”

”High risk, high reward,” Sparkle noted. ”But why ’Spy x Family’? Why not just sign it ’A Concerned Friend’?”

”Because confusion creates hesitation,” Orion explained. ”If I signed it ’A Friend’, they’d suspect everyone they know. By signing it ’Twilight’, they are looking for an outsider. A third party. It shifts the suspicion away from the student body.”

Minutes ticked by. The lake water rippled against the glass. Orion checked his Astrum Navigator. Ten minutes. Fifteen.

Had Dobby been caught? Was McGonagall currently interrogating an elf about ’Westalis’?

CRACK.

Orion bolted upright.

Dobby stood at the foot of the bed. He was shivering with excitement. In his trembling hands, he held a folded, tattered piece of blank parchment.

”Dobby has done it!” the elf squeaked triumphantly, thrusting the parchment at Orion. ”Dobby found it! The red-haired boys were sleeping! It was under the pillow of the one called George! Dobby made the switch! They did not stir!”

Orion took the parchment. He could feel the hum of magic coming off it—a mischievous, chaotic buzz.

”You are a hero, Dobby,” Orion said seriously. ”You have struck a blow for safety tonight.”

”Dobby is happy to serve!” The elf beamed.

”Now, go,” Orion commanded gently. ”And speak of this to no one. The safety of the operation depends on your silence.”

”Dobby is a grave! Dobby is a silent tomb!”

CRACK.

Orion was alone.

He unfolded the parchment. It was blank.

He drew his wand. He tapped it lightly.

”I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

Ink blossomed on the page. Lines spread out like spiderwebs, forming walls, corridors, and classrooms. Names began to appear, tiny dots moving across the map.

Albus Dumbledore was pacing in his office.

Argus Filch was on the second floor with Mrs. Norris.

Fred Weasley and George Weasley were stationary in their dormitory.

And right there, in the Slytherin dungeon, was Orion Malfoy.

”Gotcha,” Orion breathed.

He tapped the map again. ”Mischief Managed.”

The ink vanished.

DING.

The sound was loud and victorious.

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 2 (Advanced)

Name: Operation Strix: The First Stella

Description: You have successfully neutralized the greatest surveillance threat in the school by utilizing a house-elf, a lie about world peace, and a reference that nobody in this universe will understand for another thirty years. You have robbed the Marauders of their legacy. Loid Forger would be proud of your elegance.

Reward: 1x Wayfinder Compass (Enchanted).

Orion stared at the screen. ”A compass?”

”Check your inventory,” Sparkle urged. ”It’s not just a compass. It’s the Jack Sparrow special.”

Orion summoned it. It was a heavy, brass compass on a silver chain. He flipped the lid open. The needle wasn’t pointing North. It was spinning lazily.

”Focus on a person,” Sparkle instructed. ”Anyone. Anywhere.”

Orion thought of Lucius Malfoy.

The needle snapped to attention, pointing distinctly Southeast.

He thought of Voldemort.

The needle spun wildly, then pointed towards the direction of the forest, but wavered slightly.

He thought of Harry Potter.

The needle pointed slightly East—toward Gryffindor Tower.

”It points to what I want most,” Orion realized. ”Or rather, who I want to find. It’s a tracking device. Global range.”

”Better than the Map,” Sparkle agreed. ”The Map only works in Hogwarts. This works everywhere.”

Orion snapped the compass shut and placed it, along with the Marauder’s Map, into his Inventory.

”The twins are blind,” Orion whispered, lying back down. ”And I have the eyes of a god. Let the prank war begin. They won’t even see me coming.”

He closed his eyes, a contented smile on his face. The peace between Westalis and Ostania was safe, and so was his secret life.