Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The successful acquisition of the Vanishing Cabinet felt like a completed level in a particularly arduous game. Orion walked through the castle corridors with a renewed lightness in his step, the weight of the ticking plot clock lifted from his shoulders.

That evening, safely ensconced behind the velvet curtains of his bed, he reviewed his recent successes with his digital confidante.

”You know, Sparkle,” Orion murmured, staring at the canopy. ”I was genuinely worried for a moment there. I thought by taking Quirrell off the board so early, I had effectively bombed the timeline into a dead end. No villain, no conflict, no achievements.”

”And?” Sparkle’s interface glowed softly, projecting a miniature, silent firework display. ”Did you have a change of heart? Are we embracing a life of quiet academic study?”

”On the contrary,” Orion chuckled. ”I’ve realized my mistake. I was thinking too linearly. I was waiting for the plot to happen to me. But if the plot is dead... well, we just have to search for trouble, and make it double.”

”Team Rocket,” Sparkle noted with approval. ”A classic philosophy. So, what’s the first stop on our new, proactive chaos tour?”

”We’re going to check on a friend,” Orion said, a grin touching his lips. ”An old friend with a healthy appetite.”

The next afternoon found Orion once again standing before the heavy oak door on the Third Floor corridor. He had summoned Dobby that morning, securing another fifty pounds of high-grade, bloody steak, which was currently resting comfortably in the digital stasis of his Inventory.

”Seriously, what is the point of coming back here?” Sparkle asked, her voice laced with a mixture of boredom and concern. ”The Troll is gone. The Dark Lord’s host is a fine paste. The dog is just a dog. Let the poor beast sleep.”

”That’s the point,” Orion said, placing a hand on the door. ”Is he still here? Dumbledore knows Quirrell is gone. He knows the immediate threat to the Stone is neutralized. So, why would he leave a Cerberus guarding a trapdoor to nowhere?”

He pushed the door open. The familiar scent of musk and dog filled his nostrils.

GRRRRRRRR...

Three massive heads snapped up from a tangled pile of limbs. Six yellow eyes blinked in the dim light, focusing on the small figure in the doorway.

The growl was deep, but it lacked the immediate fury of their first meeting. It was more of a sleepy, questioning rumble.

This time, however, Orion heard more than just the sound. He heard the words.

”Is it him?” the middle head rumbled, its voice deep and gravelly, like stones grinding together. ”The small one? The one with the good snacks?”

”Smells like him,” the left head replied, its voice higher-pitched, more nasal. It sniffed the air. ”Smells like... meat. And those little sugar sticks he eats.”

”Don’t be stupid,” the right head grumbled, its voice slow and ponderous. ”He’s small. Small things are crunchy. We should eat him.”

Orion stood there, his hand frozen on the doorknob, a slow smile spreading across his face. The All-Speak ability was a gift that kept on giving.

”Hello, boys,” Orion called out, stepping fully into the room. He didn’t draw a wand. He just stood there, projecting an aura of calm confidence.

”He talks!” Lefty yelped. ”Look, he talks! He’s not crunchy, he’s a talky!”

”Yeah, I am a talky,” Orion agreed. ”And a bringer of gifts.”

He summoned the meat from his Inventory. The fifty-pound pile materialized in a heap on the floor. The effect was instantaneous. The debate over Orion’s edibility was immediately forgotten.

The three heads dove into the pile with the gusto of starving wolves. The sound of tearing flesh and crunching bone filled the room.

Orion walked closer, leaning against a pillar as the Cerberus feasted. He listened to their ”conversation” as they ate.

”This one’s mine! I saw it first!” - Lefty

”You always get the good bits. Share them, you brute.” - Righty

”Quiet, both of you. Just chew.” - Middy

”So,” Orion mused aloud, more to himself than to Sparkle. ”Dumbledore left him here. Why?”

He watched the dog devour the steak.

”The Stone isn’t down there,” Orion reasoned. ”At least not yet, if my memory is correct. The Mirror of Erised isn’t moved to the final chamber until after the Christmas holidays. The protections are incomplete. So, this... this is just security theater.”

”Or a test,” Sparkle offered. ”For his Golden Boy.”

”Exactly,” Orion’s eyes narrowed. ”Dumbledore must be believing that Voldemort’s spirit is still out there. He knows the wraith is weakened. So, he leaves the lure. He leaves the puzzle box half-finished, knowing that Potter’s hero complex will eventually draw him here.”

He looked at the trapdoor, partially visible under Fluffy’s sleeping tail.

”This isn’t just about protecting the Stone from Voldemort anymore,” Orion emphasizes. ”It’s also about testing Harry. It’s about seeing if he has the courage, the intellect, the loyalty to navigate the traps. It’s a final exam Dumbledore has set up for a boy who hasn’t even finished his first term.”

A wave of something cold and cynical washed over him. It was similar to all those fanfictions he had read about Dumbledore. Dumbledore wasn’t a simple protector; he was grooming a child soldier for a war he had already decided was inevitable.

”No point going down the trapdoor, then,” Orion murmured. ”It’s an empty stage. For now.”

Fluffy, having finished the last of the meat, let out a series of satisfied burps. The three heads looked at Orion with a new, friendly quietness.

”He’s good,” Middy rumbled. ”Good snack-bringer.”

”Can we keep him?” Lefty asked, wagging his tail, causing a small tremor.

”No, we can’t keep him,” Righty grumbled. ”He’s too small, not like big guy.”

Orion chuckled. ”Sorry, boys. I have to go. But I’ll be back. With more snacks.”

He gave them a final wave and slipped out of the room, sealing the door behind him with a locking spell.

As he walked back toward the main part of the castle, the weight of his discovery settled on him. Dumbledore was still playing the long game, even with Quirrell gone. Was he still expecting an attempt for the stone.

”This changes things,” Orion said to Sparkle. ”If Dumbledore is still baiting the trap... that means there are still potential achievements to be had.”

”The ’Save the Golden Boy from his own Headmaster’ achievement?” Sparkle suggested. ”A noble cause.”

”Or,” Orion’s eyes glinted with a Slytherin light, ”the ’Hijack the Headmaster’s Secret Test and Claim the Prize for Myself’ achievement.”

He smirked. The plot wasn’t dead. It was just dormant, waiting for a new catalyst. And Orion Malfoy was more than happy to provide the spark.