Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The weekend arrived with a slate-grey sky and a persistent drizzle that turned the Hogwarts grounds into a muddy quagmire. Most students retreated to the warmth of their common rooms, engaging in exploding snap tournaments or frantically finishing essays due on Monday.

Orion Malfoy, however, had errands to run.

He stood in the center of his dormitory, which was currently empty as Draco and his entourage were in the common room arguing about Quidditch tactics.

”Dobby,” Orion whispered into the silence.

CRACK.

The house-elf appeared at the foot of the bed, ears flapping. ”Master Orion calls Dobby? Dobby is here!”

”Dobby,” Orion said, keeping his voice low. ”I have a special request. It requires discretion. And it requires... a lot of protein.”

Dobby’s eyes widened. ”Protein, Master?”

”Meat,” Orion clarified. ”Beef. Steak. Mutton. Whatever the kitchen has in surplus. Raw, bloody, and high quality. I need about fifty pounds of it.”

Dobby blinked, looking confused. ”Fifty... pounds? Is Master Orion... hosting a barbecue? In the dungeon?”

”Something like that,” Orion smirked. ”Can you do it?”

”Dobby can do anything for Master Orion!” the elf squeaked. ”Dobby will raid the stasis coolers! Dobby will bring the finest cuts!”

CRACK.

He vanished. Two minutes later, he returned. He was balancing a massive silver platter that was groaning under the weight of raw meat. There were legs of lamb, massive steaks, and what looked like an entire side of beef chopped into manageable chunks. The smell of raw iron and butcher shop filled the room instantly.

”Excellent,” Orion nodded.

He opened his Inventory interface.

”Sparkle, open the storage grid.”

”Oh no,” Sparkle’s voice recoiled in his head. ”Orion, no. I see what that is. That is dead animal. Do not put that in my digital space. It’s unsanitary! It’s gross! Think of the bacteria!”

”It’s a stasis field, Sparkle,” Orion argued calmly, pointing his wand at the platter. ”Time stops inside the Inventory. No rot. No smell. Just... storage.”

”It’s the principle of the thing!” Sparkle shrieked as Orion began to vanish the meat chunk by chunk. ”I am a high-end system! I store legendary weapons and ancient tomes! Not ribeyes! I feel like a magical refrigerator!”

”Quiet down,” Orion muttered, sending the last leg of lamb into the void. ”It’s temporary. Tactical meat. You’ll thank me later.”

”I will never thank you for turning me into a butcher shop,” Sparkle huffed, her waveform turning a sickly shade of green.

With the ”supplies” secured, Orion dismissed Dobby with a pat on the head and checked his attire. Dragon-hide boots for grip. Wand in the holster. And a pocketful of spices—just kidding, the dog probably preferred it raw.

He left the dungeons, moving with a purposeful stride.

The castle was relatively quiet. Most of the staff were likely in the staff room or their offices. Filch was prowling somewhere, Orion would need to take care of that.

He ascended the Grand Staircase. First floor. Second floor.

He reached the Third Floor.

The corridor on the right-hand side was dark. A simple rope barrier stood across it with a sign: DANGER: DO NOT ENTER.

Orion stepped over the rope.

”You are literally walking into the ’certain death’ zone,” Sparkle pointed out. ”Just making sure we’re clear on that.”

”It’s a dog, Sparkle. A big dog. Hagrid raised it. It’s practically a puppy.”

He walked down the dusty corridor. The windows here were grimy, filtering the grey daylight into murky beams. At the end of the hall stood a plain wooden door.

Orion stopped. He took a breath. He could hear it through the wood—a low, rhythmic rumbling. Snoring? Or growling?

He drew his Hawthorn wand.

”Alohomora.”

The lock clicked. It was disappointingly simple. Dumbledore really relied on the fact that students were obedient (which was a massive oversight) or terrified (which was fair).

Orion pushed the door open.

The smell hit him first—a wave of musk, hot fur, and animal breath.

The room was massive. And occupying almost all of it was Fluffy.

The Cerberus was awake.

Three massive heads snapped up as the door creaked. Six eyes, yellow and wild, locked onto Orion. Three sets of lips curled back to reveal teeth the size of daggers. A low growl started in three chests, harmonizing into a sound that vibrated the floorboards.

The dog began to rise, towering over Orion like a furry mountain.

”Okay,” Sparkle whispered. ”That’s a big puppy. Run?”

”Not yet,” Orion stood his ground. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t reach for a weapon.

He reached for his mind. Inventory. Release.

He flicked his wand. ”Wingardium Leviosa.”

In mid-air, appearing from nothingness, the fifty pounds of raw meat materialized.

The smell of fresh blood filled the room, overpowering the musk.

Fluffy paused. The growl cut off in a confused whimper. The middle head sniffed the air. The left head licked its chops. The right head looked at Orion, then at the floating steak, then back at Orion.

”Hungry boy?” Orion cooed, his voice steady and calm.

He flicked his wand, sending three massive chunks of beef sailing through the air. They landed with a wet thud in front of each head.

The Cerberus didn’t hesitate. All three heads dove for the food. The sound of tearing meat and crunching bone filled the room.

”There we go,” Orion whispered, stepping fully inside and closing the door behind him. ”Eat up. Hagrid said you had a healthy appetite.”

He kept the rest of the meat floating, dispensing it like a vending machine whenever a head finished its portion. While the beast feasted, Orion moved.

He wasn’t just there to feed the dog. He was there to survey.

He scanned the room. Stone floor. High ceiling. No windows. And there, directly beneath the massive paws of the beast, was the trapdoor. It was wooden, bound in iron.

”Trapdoor confirmed,” Orion noted. ”Devil’s Snare below. Then the keys. Then the chess set.”

He walked closer to the dog. Fluffy was too busy destroying a leg of lamb to care about the small human.

”I can’t believe this is working,” Sparkle muttered. ”You bribed a boss monster with lunch.”

”Every living thing has a price,” Orion replied mentally. ”For some, it’s gold. For Fluffy, it’s a ribeye.”

Orion was just about to dispense the last of the meat when he heard it.

Footsteps.

They were distinct. Not the shuffling of Filch. Not the heavy tread of Hagrid. These were light, rhythmic footsteps coming down the corridor outside.

”Company,” Sparkle warned. ”And considering we are in a forbidden corridor, this is bad. Hide?”

”No,” Orion said, his eyes narrowing as he calculated the timing. ”Quirrell breaks in on Halloween. This isn’t Quirrell. It’s the middle of the day. The only person who patrols this corridor personally...”

The door handle turned.

Orion didn’t run. He didn’t hide. He simply stood there, his right hand holding his wand which was still levitating a steak.

The door opened.

Albus Dumbledore stood in the frame.

His blue robes were bright against the gloom. His silver beard was tucked into his belt. His expression was one of mild surprise, though his eyes behind the half-moon spectacles were sharp as flint.

He looked at the three-headed dog, which was currently chewing happily. He looked at the floating meat. He looked at the First Year Slytherin petting the monster.

”Mr. Malfoy,” Dumbledore said pleasantly, stepping inside and closing the door. ”An unexpected picnic.”

”Headmaster,” Orion nodded respectfully, lowering the last steak to the floor. ”I hope you don’t mind. He seemed peckish.”

Fluffy, finishing the last bite, looked up. Seeing Dumbledore, the dog let out a low rumble, perhaps uncertain whether this new arrival meant more food or a fight.

Dumbledore raised his own wand. He gave it a lazy wave.

A beautiful, golden harp materialized in mid-air. It began to play a soft, lullaby melody on its own.

The effect was instantaneous. Fluffy’s eyelids drooped. The growling ceased. The massive legs buckled, and the beast slumped to the floor with a heavy sigh, all three heads snoring within seconds.

Dumbledore lowered his wand. He turned his gaze to Orion.

”While I am a great proponent of kindness to animals,” Dumbledore said, his tone light but carrying an undercurrent of steel, ”I must confess, finding a student in a corridor explicitly marked as ’a painful death’ is... concerning. Especially one with such... culinary preparedness.”

He gestured to the empty space where the meat had been.

”Tell me, Orion. How did you find yourself here? Did you get lost on the way to the dungeons? It is quite a detour.”

Orion holstered his wand. He met Dumbledore’s gaze. Would he use Legilimency?

”Not lost, Headmaster,” Orion admitted. ”Curious.”

”Curiosity,” Dumbledore hummed. ”A dangerous thing.”

”I heard rumors,” Orion lied—or rather, told a version of the truth. ”The Weasley twins. I heard them whispering in the library about a ’monster’ on the third floor. They were quite descriptive. They mentioned three heads.”

Dumbledore chuckled softly. ”Ah. Fred and George. I should have known.”

”I found the description fascinating,” Orion continued, adopting the persona of the scholarly prodigy. ”I consulted Mr. Hagrid earlier this week. I asked him about Cerberus care—hypothetically, of course. He mentioned their dietary requirements are... substantial.”

Orion gestured to the sleeping dog.

”I realized that if there was such a creature locked in a room, it might get lonely. And hungry. I merely wanted to verify the existence of the specimen. And... well... I wanted to pet him.”

Orion looked down at his shoes, feigning a moment of childish embarrassment.

”It sounds stupid now,” Orion muttered. ”But I’ve never seen a Cerberus. My father only keeps peacocks. They aren’t very exciting.”

Dumbledore studied him. He looked at the boy’s relaxed posture. He looked at the genuine affection Orion had shown the dog.

”To pet him,” Dumbledore repeated, a smile tugging at his lips. ”You broke into a forbidden corridor, unlocked a secured door, and faced a Class XXXXX killer beast... because you wanted to pet the dog?”

”Hagrid said they were softies,” Orion shrugged. ”And he was right. He probably likes being scratched behind the ears. Just like Professor McGonagall’s cat.”

Dumbledore laughed aloud then. It was a genuine, hearty sound.

”You are a bold one, Orion Malfoy,” Dumbledore shook his head. ”I daresay the Hat had a difficult time with you. That is a rather... Gryffindor explanation for a Slytherin action.”

He gestured to the door. ”Shall we? Before he wakes up and demands dessert?”

They stepped out into the corridor. Dumbledore tapped the door, and complex locking wards shimmered across the wood—wards that hadn’t been there before.

”I must ask you, Orion,” Dumbledore said, his tone turning serious as they walked down the hallway. ”Do not return here. This room is not merely a kennel. It guards something dangerous. Something not meant for students.”

”The Stone.” Orion thought.

”I understand, Headmaster,” Orion said aloud. ”I have satisfied my curiosity. I have no wish to be eaten.”

”Good,” Dumbledore nodded. ”And be aware... there are monitoring charms on this corridor. I was alerted the moment the door opened. Had it been anyone other than myself responding...”

”I understand,” Orion repeated. ”I triggered the alarm.”

”You did,” Dumbledore confirmed. ”Though I am glad it was you, and not... someone with darker intentions.”

They reached the Grand Staircase.

”Five points from Slytherin for being out of bounds,” Dumbledore said gently. ”But... perhaps five points to Slytherin for exceptional skill in animal handling. And for feeding Fluffy. Hagrid sometimes forgets how much a growing boy needs to eat.”

Dumbledore winked. ”Run along, Mr. Malfoy. And do try to keep your adventures to the safer parts of the castle.”

”Yes, Headmaster. Good day.”

Orion bowed and descended the stairs. He kept his face neutral until he was safely in the shadows of the dungeon corridor.

Then, a grin broke out.

”You are crazy,” Sparkle whispered. ”You literally chatted up the Headmaster after breaking and entering.”

”I got what I wanted,” Orion murmured. ”I know the path. I confirmed the trapdoor. But more importantly...”

He glanced back up the stairs.

”I confirmed that Dumbledore’s monitoring charms are keyed to the door opening, not proximity to the corridor. And I confirmed that he responds personally. It is probably just monitoring spells it seems. That is vital intel for the future.”

”And you fed the dog,” Sparkle added.

”And I fed the dog,” Orion agreed. ”Fluffy likes me now. Next time I visit... maybe during a chaotic Halloween night... he won’t bark.”

He walked into the common room, greeted by the warmth of the green fire.

”Noble Lineage.”

The door slid shut.

Orion sat in his chair, pulling out The Unedited History.

”Three weeks,” he whispered. ”The Troll is next. And unlike Fluffy... I can’t bribe a Troll with steak.”

”Drone strike it is then?”

”We’ll see,” Orion smirked. ”Improvisation is the soul of wit.”