The Forsaken Hero

R’lissea’s question hung in the air for a long time. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what she was asking, but that I didn’t know how to answer. I liked being near my friends, cuddling with Fable, and resting in Luke’s arms. I was okay with him kissing me, and sometimes even wanted to kiss him too.

But something had changed when I woke up to Luke this morning. I didn’t know how long he’d watched over me, but that he’d fallen asleep at all must have meant he was exhausted. Even if that was because he’d broken through, even if his decision to stay with me didn’t mean he wouldn’t ascend, it still touched something within me.

I loved Luke. And for the first time, I actually knew what that meant. And that was what scared me.

R’lissea cleared her throat, and I flinched, realizing I’d left her unanswered. ”You know, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone,” she said. ”And if that means you want to give yourself to him, I don’t see why–”

”R’lissea!” My face burned, and I pressed my hands to my cheeks, shaking my head vehemently.

”Sorry, sorry.” She held up her hands, a bemused smile tugging at her lips. ”I just assumed–”

”We’ve never done anything like that,” I mumbled, staring at my lap. ”I mean, sure, there’s been kisses, and we hold hands, but the rest...? There’s no way we could...I could do something like that right now.”

But this morning, if he’d pursued it, if he hadn’t stopped...what then? I wasn’t sure I could have stopped him. With how I felt, the heat surging within me, I didn’t know if I would even have wanted to.

I couldn’t say that out loud; I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I’d lived an entire life where men had taken what they wanted, through prostitution or rape, whichever fit their fancy. The memories were dim and blurry, but as real to me as the horrors of the inquisitors’ Dusk Chambers. That I had been so willing to betray the promise I made to myself in the halls of Lord Byron’s mansion, and to Aurle, was the most terrifying part.

R’lissea let out a long sigh. ”I guess I should have seen this coming. You’ve never handled new feelings very well, and I can’t think of anything that would sound the alarm bells more than getting intimate with someone. It was already pretty shocking when you admitted to kissing Luke.”

I ducked my head, hunching my shoulders in shame. ”I-I’m sorry.”

She smiled sadly. ”I’ve never pried into your past, but I think I understand you well enough to know there’s no reason for you to apologize. You’ve had so much taken from you, so much innocence stolen. I remember when you told me that offering your body was the only way to receive safety. It was your first instinct in a relationship. But you said Luke was different, right?”

I nodded, a quiver in my lower lip. That much was true. Whether it was with Soltair or Byron, for one reason or another, the only way I could be safe was to become subservient to their every desire. But with Luke, I’d never once thought of that. Not until this morning.

She continued. ”But now, never mind him taking that from you, you actually want to give it to him. Most people view intimacy as a wonderful part of a relationship, but for you...it would be stranger if it didn’t scare you.”

”Really? It’s...okay?”

She patted my hand. ”If we’re being honest, I think it scares Luke, too. I bet he never thought he’d actually feel this way about anyone. But here you two are, looking at a horizon you were never meant to see.” She chuckled at that, shaking her head. ”I almost pity him. It can’t be easy, having a pretty girl like you alone in a room, just begging for something she didn’t even understand. That he consciously left when he did says a lot about him, no?”

”It’s not the first time,” I said, playing with a length of silky hair. ”I just, um, didn’t realize it before. But now...do you think he even cares about that kind of thing? He only sees me as a distraction, I think.”

”Oh, come on, Xiviyah. One moment you’re terrified that you’re attracted to him, the next you’re bemoaning he doesn’t see you the same way?”

My blush darkened, and I bit my lip, looking away. She was right. It was completely illogical, but at the same time...something about Luke looking at me, desiring me, made my heart flutter.

R’lissea giggled to herself, shaking her head wryly. ”If what I saw in the common room this morning was any indicator, I think he likes you plenty. And there’s no way he gave up on the perfect chance to cripple Radia just to hold the hand of a ’distraction.’”

”You really think so?”

”It’s kinda obvious, if you look at it. You don’t kiss someone you don’t like. Gods, you two really are hopeless. And Xiv, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting him, either. It might be scary, but remember that fear comes from the past. It doesn’t have to define your relationships anymore.”

”I...I think I’m starting to get that,” I said after a moment’s thought. I nodded resolutely. ”But I’m still not ready for something like that. And with Luke...I don’t know if I ever will be. If we do, and he leaves...”

I sniffled again, blinking as my eyes grew thick with tears. I swallowed hard, but the lump in my throat refused to budge. R’lissea gathered mei n her arms, pulling me close again.

”I know, it’s hard. And no one blames you for thinking like that. To tell you the truth, um, when I was in Sylvarus before, with Ronin, we kinda had that relationship.”

I gasped, looking up sharply. ”You did?”

Red bloomed in her cheeks, her fingers curling into my sleeves. ”Just once or twice. We were really too young and unprepared, but the point is, I regret sharing that part of me with him now. Especially how everything turned out.”

”Im’ sorry. I didn’t know,” I said, chewing on my lip. ”Um, when I was in Heartland, Tana and Sorrin got married.”

”I remember you talking about that. That’s where you got your wreath, isn’t it?”

I nodded, touching my horn where the flowers usually rested. ”Yeah, but I never really understood it. But after what you’ve said, and feeling like this...” I pressed a hand to my heart. ”I think I want to get married someday. And maybe, like them, that’s when it’s okay to be...close.”

R’lissea’s face softened, and her smile turned a little sad. ”I think that’s very sweet, Xiv.”

I rested my head on her shoulder. ”I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel like this for someone again. When Luke leaves, does that kind of hole ever get filled?”

”I don’t know. But be brave, okay? I’ll be there with you every step of the way. And if fate sees you in a white dress one day, then I’ll be there to grow the flowers.”

She smiled, waving her hand. A tendril of life magic blossomed in my hair, turning into a glowing white flower. I touched it, the petals warm and delicate.

”I’d like that,” I whispered.

”Good. Now, feeling better?”

I nodded, and she squeezed me once more. Then, rising to her feet, she smoothed her skirt and offered me a hand.

”Come on,” she said, pulling me to my feet. ”Let’s get you in a new dress and brush that hair out. That should give us enough time for you to dry those tears. You’ve got to look respectable for the war council later.”

”Thank you,” I said as she fussed over me, choosing a red elven dress for me to wear and beginning on my hair.

She smiled warmly, tapping my head with the comb. ”That’s what friends are for. I’m just glad you’re willing to talk with me. It hurts seeing you cry, and not knowing why.”

”Then, um, when you’re feeling sad...?” I bit my lip as she paused, hesitantly looking at her.

She met my gaze in the mirror, smiling at me. ”Then I hope you’ll return the favor.”

I nodded, smiling slightly, and leaned back into her gentle hands. Our time together was short, and before I knew it, we were joining the others in the lobby. Apparently, it had been three or four days since Luke had brought me to Firstlight Inn, and by that time, my body had let go of enough of the tangled ball in my stomach to feel hungry. Rivlett showed us to the table where the others were already eating breakfast.

The conversation stilled as we arrived. They were just our friends, Korra and Gayron sitting together, Luke on the other side. I gave Luke a shy smile, but he avoided my gaze, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. Korra raised her eyebrow at me, and I found myself copying Luke without meaning to, quickly looking at my lap. R’lissea sat me down next to Luke, and after some awkward silence, they began to catch me up on everything that happened.

It had been four days since Luke carried me into the First Light Inn, and the war had progressed exactly as I’d seen in my vision. The Fatesworn and Luke’s horde had secured the entire region around Darkreign keep, but church spies and night raids had seen them grow restless.

Now that I’d finally awakened, Luke declared the time had come to leave Darkreign behind. Our sights were set on Radia.