Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

“Lady Echidna, I felt something horrible just minutes ago!” Zara said the moment she laid eyes on me, and if she wasn’t scared out of her mind and trembling like a newborn fawn, she would have probably realised it wasn’t a coincidence that I gathered everyone for a meeting right after she felt a pair of gods swing their giant green dicks about in my territory. 

“Really?” I asked curiously. “And what was it you felt?”

“Rage and bloodlust flooding everything, making the very air shimmer and trying to twist my mind,” Zara said, trembling as she wrangled her hands. She looked so pitiful, I had to resist the temptation of rushing over to hug her, or give her a head pat … or to calm her emotions. Alas, my curiosity won out. “I heard laughter, I think. It sounded like boulders crashing, like a landslide and a storm at once, but somehow I knew it was mocking laughter.”

“I see,” I said, smiling soothingly at the poor, terrified girl as I wrapped my aura around her and chased away both the Shadow and the WAAAAGH field. “I know what happened, but thank you for the warning. We will be taking care of it in short order … hopefully.”

Zara slumped in relief, taking in a deep breath and almost collapsing as it seemed I’d just lifted an enormous weight off her shoulder, like I’d just allowed her to finally breathe after months of suffocating on stale air. 

I sometimes forget just how suffocating the Shadow can get to those still linked to the Warp. Zara must have been going through hell, but she never once made a squeak of protest or complaint.

She was probably still terrified of me, I’d have to do something about that. I took her in, it wouldn’t do to have her silently suffer … I suppose I should have just taken her into my Realm. 

I’ll also have to find something for her to do. I mused. It hadn’t really been on my mind how exactly I would use a Sanctioned Psyker when I rescued her and told her she was either going to serve me or go home in a casket. 

I didn’t need her service, but I hadn’t wanted to kill her and letting her go was out of the question, seeing how much of my powers she had seen.

I also wanted to rescue her from the Imperium. She had lived a horrid life under their care, then suffered under that asshole of an Inquisitor even more. She would have likely ended up back in the same place if I let her go, serving another asshole who hated her existence, or maybe she’d have just been killed to keep her silent about Inquisitor Thrace’s crimes and failures, or for her perceived corruption at my hand. 

I’m stalling. I sighed, shaking my head and put the girl out of my mind. I’d give her a task, something to occupy herself with to make her feel useful to me. I could feel that her terror was mostly because she felt like she couldn’t prove her usefulness to me. 

And she feared I’d just kill her if I thought she was useless. I wouldn’t, she could spend the rest of her life lazing around, and I wouldn’t care one bit. She would be calmer with a task, though. So I would give her one … something, I’ll figure it out. Eventually.

“In case any of you missed it,” I said, raising my voice as I put on a regal mask. Val, Alpha, Selene, Zara, Zedev and even Fae were here. Only the Orks were missing, but I had booted their hyper-murderous asses from the room after telling them to prepare for war. “We have an Imperial Fleet on the system’s border. With nothing of interest besides myself in this system, we are running with the assumption that they are coming to kill me. I’ll confirm before starting the slaughter, but I think it’s a safe guess to make. I gathered you here to advise me on why I shouldn’t just teleport a whole bunch of Orks onto their ships and let them slaughter all the humans.”

“Do you truly want them to know how easily you can break their Void-Shields? Do you want to show off your mass-teleportation to the Tau?” Selene asked, arms crossed under her chest as she stared at me like I was a particularly stupid child. Oof. 

“They are still far and away. There is more than enough time to gather intelligence. There is no need to make an uninformed decision. The destruction of a Crusade Fleet would bring attention to you, perhaps too soon.” Zedev’s voice buzzed, static and lifeless as his mental circuits radiated boredom and a distinct disinterest. He was only here to show he respected my power and ‘station’, nothing more, and he had no problem making that clear. 

He even showed me some of what he was actually thinking about, which was about fifty thought streams optimising a genestrand determined to be responsible for the Eldar’s greater reflexes into a human dna … likely his. 

“Agreed,” Val said, nodding regally as he stood a bit closer to my throne, just a half step behind Selene. Even without thinking, they had established a little social order for themselves, which rightly had Selene at the top. “You would have felt it if they had a particularly powerful Psyker with them, wouldn’t you, Mistress? If they don’t, there is nothing stopping you from gathering all the knowledge you need, or eliminating the problem before it becomes one by compromising their commanders.”

“The Orks will have to fight,” I said, huffing in annoyance as I slumped into my fancy chair and propped up my chin. “I don’t want to see what that pair of twats will do if I deny their little war after they had gone to the effort of dumping a fleet on my doorstep. I have no intention of seeing for myself.”

Selene frowned in worry, sensing my annoyance. Val looked worried, knowing that anything that could make me frustrated or force me to do something would be troublesome. The rest looked a mix of confused and bewildered, especially Fae and Alpha, who couldn’t fathom me fearing anything. Even the ‘gods’. 

Zedev didn’t care at all. Of course,e he didn’t. 

Zara was busy looking confused, trying to make herself small in the present company. 

“Alright,” I said, shrugging with an eager smile tugging at my lips. It seemed like I’d be sneaking around, plundering minds and messing with people again. “Any objections to me heading over there and gathering some information?”

“They will know you can pierce Void-Shields and teleport between planets if you get caught, or even if they just suspect you have boarded them,” Selene warned. 

“Then I’ll just have to make sure they won’t notice my intrusion,” I said, and she nodded in satisfaction. 

“We can make objections?” Alpha murmured in confusion, probably not intending to be heard, but half of us had better hearing than cats, and the other half was cheating. 

“Of course you can,” I said, smiling at my daughter. “And I’ll listen to them, but that’s it. I’ll listen, and if it’s convincing enough, I’ll go along with it. … and yes, you too Zara, you might not be part of my inner circle, but I’ll consider your suggestions if you have any.”

Alpha looked startled, but Zara just stiffened in dread, thinking this was some kind of test I’d finally throw her away for failing. 

So much desperation in such a small body. So scared, so terrified of failure, perceived or otherwise. She might have seemed fine to an outsider with how composed she was, but to me? I saw a brewing storm and … I didn’t want it to sweep up this unfortunate young woman. Zara had a shitty life, she didn’t deserve to live the rest of it in fear.

I could have probably gone the slow route, get her a psychologist and convinced her that there was nothing to worry about … but was it so bad to fix a problem when I saw it? To use my powers for some good? 

So I just … gently patted her rising fear, nudging it down and down until it shrank into something more manageable. She wasn’t anywhere close to ‘calm’, but she was no longer on the precipice of a mental breakdown.

Was it intrusive and very unethical? Probably. Poking someone else’s mind and emotions was not something most people looked kindly upon. 

But it helped. Zara was better now, calmer, more centred and with relief flashing through her as she realised how close she got to m making a fool of herself in her panic. I wouldn’t have cared, as I felt her precarious mental state, but she couldn’t know that. 

Maybe I should have asked for permission from her to help … but it would have been dubious permission at best with how afraid of making me even just slightly displeased she was. Maybe it was my ‘ancient’ Earth morals overcomplicating something simple again. I’d have to ask Selene, and maybe she’d smack me upside the head for worrying about doing a good thing.

That’s for later … but making sure she stays in a healthy mental state is going on my to-do list. I could put a mental seal on her, stifling panic attacks before they can fully form? Eh. Might be a bit too much. Could just showing her how much I don’t care work? I can share my emotions, might as well make use of that outside the bedroom and my love life.

“No takers?” I asked again, projecting an air of approachability to calm the few who needed it. 

“It may be a dim chance,” Valenith said, frowning. “But it may be a trap. It may seem utterly unfeasible, with dozens of points of failure to make you think it never could have been planned, but I have learned that is exactly how most schemes of She Who Thirsts and the Changer of Ways’ look to anyone sane. I won’t urge you to not go My Lady, but I urge you to be cautious and expect some foul trap aimed specifically at you.”

“You would think Gork and Mork would work together with the forces of Chaos?” I asked in surprise, having discounted the idea with the two Orkis deities’ involvement in the Fleet’s arrival. 

“The fact that doing so would lower your guard might just be worth it to the Ruinous Powers, whatever it was that it took for them to earn the Ork Gods’ cooperation,” Val said, but I was pretty sure he was just being paranoid. I imagined the two’s meeting with any of the Four like how the Tau’s first diplomatic forays ended with the Greenskins. 

Khorne may speak the same language as the two green uglies, but he was the only one I was not worried about coming at me with schemes and traps. If Khorne wanted to make a mess of my day, I’d see the horde of Bloodthirsters coming light-years away. 

“I’ll take that under advisement,” I said seriously, and intended to hold to that promise too, even if I didn’t feel it was warranted. I’d given my word that I would, after all. “Now, if there is nothing else?” I ran my gaze over my … advisors? Inner circle? Friends? Nah, certainly not the last one. Let’s go with ’inner circle’. No one spoke up, looking at one another. Selene clearly wanted to come along, I could feel it, but she kept her mouth shut with a displeased frown on her pouty lips, knowing stealth wasn’t really something she was good at and she’d just get in my way. It was so nice that I didn’t have to argue with her about stuff like this, no drama, no trouble, just understanding and maturity. She really was the best. “Alright, then I’ll get going. Keep watch over the Orks as they gather while I figure out just what the hell these idiots have in mind showing up on our doorstep. Ah, and Alpha? Write me up a short speech to make later to broadcast to my new subjects so they are at least somewhat aware of what’s going on.”

“Of course, My Lady.” Alpha straightened, her previous anxious demeanour shifting as she finally had a task to latch onto. 

“Zara,” I said, turning to the Psyker and watching her stiffen, having to nudge her panic back down again. “You will be placed under Selene’s command and help her out with keeping the Fortress secure in case something unexpected happens. Val, you are on Ork watching duty, and the rest of you should retreat into the Fortress for now with anything that we don’t want to get bombed from orbit in case they somehow make it over to here. Make sure your labs are secure, Zedev, I don’t want whatever you’re making down there bursting out in the worst possible moment.”

They all nodded in several states of grim determination, or aloof disinterest in a certain toaster-lover’s case whose only response was assuring me that not even a concentrated orbital barrage could put a dent in the Fortress or into the labs hidden underneath it. He ran the numbers. 

With a roll of my eyes at the Magos’ optimism, I Blinked myself out to the edge of the star system. Silly Zedev. Thinking things ever go as expected in this fate-fucked galaxy. I almost hope they manage to throw a meteor or something at his labs just to see his face when it breaks through all the protections we’d devised.