Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

”Finally~” I fell back onto an enormous bed, barely bouncing on the objectively shit mattress. Still, the deplorable thing couldn’t wipe the grin off of my face.

”That was … ” Selene started as she slumped down on a chair, cradling her head. ”Stressful.”

”Yep~ but so worth it.”

”How?” She didn’t even glare at me, but her head snapped up a moment later. ”You won’t! You wouldn’t!”

”What do you mean Selly~” I rolled over onto my stomach, propping my head up on a hand as I stared at her.

”You can replicate what you eat.”

”I sure can,” I smirked. ”Though that would have been a regrettable remark if I hadn’t put up a barrier as soon as we entered.”

”Sorry,” she deflated.

”No problem,” I smiled as I started kicking my legs back and forth. Today was a good day. The best so far.

”Will you …?”

”Of fucking course I will.” I rolled my eyes at her. ”Do you think I made a fool of myself for nothing back there?”

I rolled around, my head now hanging off of the side of the bed. Owieee, Selly is upside down. Still cute tho.

”They will flay you alive if they find out,” she said with worry filling her tone.

”’When’” I corrected. My capability of keeping secrets was rated as D by my Mind-Cores, as in ’Dogshit’.

”Even worse,” she hissed. ”Do you know what they do to someone like you?”

My heart badumped in my chest at her glare. Her worry for me was radiating off of her in waves.

”I know,” I said with a soft smile. ”But they need me now, or they think they do.”

”… That thing about a fleet was true?”

”Yep,” I nodded, the action feeling quite weird with me hanging off of the bed.

”Can you tell me who is leading it?”

”Spoilers~,” I smirked. ”But if you really want to know, I’ll tell you, but I bet you won’t believe me.”

”I’m not betting,” she sighed. ”Tell me please, I don’t want to get a heartattack.”

”I can heal a heart attack, don’t worry!” I gave her a thumbs up … which was a thumbs down with me being upside-down so I rolled over again.

”Not my point!”

”I know~”

”You are unbearable,” she grumbled but a smiled was slowly spreading on her lips.

I really wanted to say ’but you still love me’ then but the words died on my tongue. Too soon. Far too soon.

So instead, I just smiled my most haughty smile I could.

”Thank you.”

”Urgh,” She growled adorably. ”Just tell me already.”

”Guilliman.”

Her brows pulled together into a frown, she blinked at me. ”Did they name a new Lord Regent … ?”

My smile widened into a grin.

”That was such a dumb title,” I giggled. ”Imagine his face when someone called him Lord Guilliman Guilliman.”

”YOU MEAN THE PRIMARCH!!!??”

”I do~” I giggled as she burst to her feet and stared at me with her eyes wide in disbelief.

”You are lying!” That sentence would have hurt me more if I didn’t know she didn’t mean it.

”I won the bet.”

”I didn’t bet!”

”Killjoy,” I rolled onto my back, spread out over the bed like a starfish.

”You weren’t lying back then,” she said after a moment as I felt her sit on the bed. I did tell her about the blueberry before, didn’t I? ”Sorry.”

”You are saying ’sorry’ an awful lot today,” I said with an eyebrow raise. ”You almost make me think you are Canadian.”

”Cadian?” she asked back after a moment, curious.

”Nope~,” I rolled onto my side and propped up my head again with a fist on my cheek. ”I think Cadian’s would be the all irritable types, especially with their planet having gone kaboom.”

”Right,” she just sounded tired as she flopped onto the bed. ”Kaboom, is it?”

”Kaboom,” I nodded. My gaze rebelliously wandering over Selene’s body. She was beautiful, more on the cute side, with her big steel eyes and smaller frame, but she was still quite a looker.

The way her sweaty clothes clung to her skin, her breasts rising and falling with each breath were entrancing, and I found my heart hammering harder and harder in my neck.

Bad horny alien! Bonk!

I flopped down next to her, the boring, moldy ceiling doing wonders to calm down my rising lust. That’s how Eldar emotions worked - hit or miss, going from zero to a thousand reel quick. I imagine someone with a weaker will would have pushed her down right there and then. Good thing I am an upstanding gentle-alien with the self-control of Rogal Dorn himself.

”How will you get a damned Primarch to give you a lock of his hair?” She asked, joining me in observing the boring ceiling.

It was a simple rockrete by the way. The mould might be stinky, but it would not be eating into it or damaging the structure of it in another ten thousand years.

”Same as with Dante and his pal,” I smiled. ”I have what he wants, and the easiest way of getting that thing out of me is to give me a lock of his hair.”

”He will have a fleet.” She turned her head to stare at me. So close~ I can feel her breath~ Mhhhh ”The largest one in recent history you said.”

”Numbers lose meaning before true strength,” I shrugged. ”He will have to bomb the planet I am on to glass if he wants to kill me.”

”He won’t do that to Baal.”

”It is a shithole,” I drawled. ”He can’t make it much more of a shithole, but I guess even he would feel sentimental.”

”Sentimental?” Selly asked, not contradicting me on my designation of the planet at all.

”This is Sanguinius’ home planet. After all, they would have to get really desperate to tarnish his memory.”

”You know … an awful lot about the Primarchs.”

” --For someone having never met them?”

”Yes.” She nodded. I continued watching the mold grow. The horny stayed more manageable that way.

”It is … a weird tale, one I don’t understand myself at all, but the scruff of it is that I do.” I carefully put one word after the other. ”It is like I’ve read books, books that each had the Primarch as their narrators and main characters.”

”You base all of this on … books?”

”Think of it as a way of precognition … or post-cognition.” I shrugged. ”I’ve read hundreds of books like these with many different peoples lives and experiences being depicted inside of them, it might be my personal way of precognition and my mind just makes it easier to understand with books but it hasn’t failed me thus far.”

”How?” she asked. ”I mean, what do you base that it worked so far on?”

”I knew nothing when I woke up Selene, aside from these ’books’,” I smiled at the conversation. ”I didn’t know about the Imperium, about humanity, about all the alien races infesting the Galaxy, but every single thing I know from these books proved to be right so far.”

”How?”

”I knew of Rogue Traders, I knew of the Imperium and how it worked, its heroes, its errors and its armies.” I turned my head to her. ”Then what do I know next? A big-ass statue of the Emperor is staring back at me on the planet I woke up on, all the documents talk about and correlate to my knowledge and then a Rogue Trader shows up, exactly like I knew them to be and with a crew I expected while I haven’t in my life ever seen a Rogue Trader or even a voidship before.”

”I see,” she nodded. ”I think I do, at least.”

”Thank you,” I smiled gently. ”For trying to understand me.”

My heart warmed, unlike the something that has been warming before, further down.

”It’s nothing,” she flushed slightly as she turned away from me. ”We should sleep.”

”Together~?”

”… We don’t have a couch.”

”Together it is~,” My clothes melted into a comfy silken shirt and shorts. I made them stretchy and as tight as possible because, of course, I did. I had a girl to impress.

She fake coughed as she sat up to change, too. Intentionally ignoring my newly wrapped self.

”You won’t get blood into your head with that on.”

”I don’t need blood to function, it’s just a convenience.”

She blushed for some reason. Not that I mind, of course. It was a beautiful sight that I carved into my memory.

”Turn away please.”

”You literally wear me around your neck.”

”Turn away, I said.”

”Yes, ma’am~!” I flopped face down onto the bed and loosened my clothes to look like normal nightclothes instead.

”Done,” Selene sighed after a minute as she sat back down on the bed and I rolled onto my back again.

Don’t be a weirdo, don’t be a weirdo-

”Nice~” I hummed. Even in an old shirt and panties, she looked good.

”Let’s just sleep.”

”Sure~”

I didn’t need sleep; I was an alien living off of literal life force I stole from the enemies I consumed!

That didn’t mean when an absolute cute during her sleep cuddled up to me. I would not stay in bed enjoying doing nothing for as long as I could.

Still, all good things must come to an end and after only 11 short hours, Selene was beginning to stir.

I closed my eyes and laid still, making my body perfectly mimicking how a human would sleep. Heartbeats slowed, breathing relaxed, and my muscles went lax, but I still had an arm over Selene’s back. I allowed myself that much, seeing as she was clutching onto me as if I was a body pillow.

She squirmed a bit, yawned and then stilled like a deer caught in headlights.

Her fingers gently tapped my hand, going around her waist as I felt her own carefully retreating from mine.

She shifted a bit more, scuttling away silently as she moved to the edge of the bed to sit up, which was the moment I took to ’wake up’.

”Morning~” I groaned drowsily as I flopped onto my back, my eyes opening slowly and taking in the still moldy ceiling. It’s grown around a nanometer since I last checked it.

”Good morning,” Selene tried to sound nonchalant, but I was getting a handle on my Empathic abilities. My little cutie was embarrassed to have hugged me while sleeping.

”Ah~” I threw off the blanket and jumped to my feet, starting to stretch some. I didn’t need to, of course, but I still felt like yoga and stretching exercises had a calming effect on my soul. This was one of the few things I kept from my old self.

I made sure that Selene got an eyeful too as I did it and her not making a sound during my ten-minute morning yoga probably meant she appreciated it.

”Breakfast?” I asked with a satisfied sigh. ”Do we even have breakfast here?” I asked as I plopped down onto another chair. We had our double bed, a cupboard and this table with two chairs in this room, and that was it. Plus mold.

”I - umh,” Selly blinked awake. ”I don’t know?”

”Ah well,” I shrugged. ”I don’t really need it, but I guess you’d be rather hungry by now? You lived off of my bio-energy for the last few weeks.”

”I can go a few more without it…” She grimaced. ”Can you do that revitalization thing again?”

”Sure~” A small surge of bio-energy she collected into her armour — now choker — went through her body, transforming into all the nutrients she might need while calming her nervous system and chasing away her fatigue. This was a basic ’hit-me-up’ futuristic coffee I made for her, and I had something very similar coursing through my body every second. It barely took any energy aside from the nutrients. Manipulation costs less than creation.

”Thanks.” she shivered but jumped to her feet, almost vibrating with energy.

Anything for you, Sel.

”Don’t mind it,” I smiled. ”Ready to kill some aliens?”

”Yes,” she nodded like an overly eager puppy.

”Well, then~,” I hummed. ”I have some stuff I want to try out, so let’s go?”

”Yes.”

As we stepped through the door, I slipped my hand into hers and to my delight; she intertwined our fingers after only a moment of stillness.

[~Ping!~ Achievement Unlocked: H*ndH*lding! Congratulations!]

These Mind-Cores are growing increasingly sassy lately.

No matter!

Time to take out my puppy for a walk~