Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

Orion looked a bit concerned as he glanced between me and his Captain while I was considering how much to share with the woman. What did I want from her? Was a lift to another world enough? Even that would be a considerable effort if what she said about the state of her ship is true and she has no reason to lie to me about that.

”What were these heretics doing here?” she asked, visibly forcing herself to stay respectful.

”No idea,” I shrugged, ”Crazy fuckers, not my job to work out how their deranged minds work, all I can tell you is that I haven’t met a single living human in the two-ish months I’ve been here.”

”I assume you’d want our help with getting off of this planet?” asked Selene, holding my rather languid stare with a firm one of her own.

”You assume correctly,” I smirked, ”in return — not that I need to give anything, mind you — I will forget it if anything from this planet should go missing, you have free reign over scavenging whatever strikes your fancy.”

My smirk widened into a slight grin as her stoic expression cracked a bit as the edge of her lips curved upwards.

Selene Voss

Selene forced her grin down as she noticed the Inquisitor’s grinning triumphantly at her. She wasn’t sure what to think, in her time she’d met more than one Inquisitors and knew they were all weird in some sense. This one, taking breaking through her apathetic facade like a game for her own amusement was no different.

Weird but dangerous, that described the gorgeous woman sitting languidly on the other side of the broken coffee table. Inquisitor Echidna was unquestionably dangerous, the casual show of her psychic powers without any noticeable cogitators spoke of rock-hard will or high-tier surgeries and hidden implants.

Aside from that the woman looked normal, beautiful yes but normal. The only weapon on her was a pistol holstered on her waist and she had not a single scar on her skin, nor any cybernetic prosthetics. That’s what made her weird, being an Inquisitor was a dangerous profession, every single one she met had at least an arm missing if not most of their bodies but this woman looked as natural as a newborn.

”So,” she decided to break the awkward silence as the woman seemed content staring at her for another day, ”would there be anything else you’d require of us while we scavenge for tools to fix up our ship?”

”Ah,” she nodded, like a thought just struck her, ”I’d like someone knowledgeable about the happenings in the galaxy at large,” she tilted her head then, ”Speaking of, what year is it? The last time I reported back was the 350th year of the 41st millennium.”

Selene sucked in a deep breath through gritted teeth, fuck, what had she gotten herself into?

”It is 999 of the 41st millennium,” she answered after a second, ”are you able to tell us what happened to you?”

”Warp fuckery,” she gave Selene a sage-like nod, ”it’s always annoying, you never know when or where you end up when you enter a Warp Storm.”

”Wh-” Orion started but a cough from her silenced the experienced man, ”indeed.” Selene nodded back, doing her best to mimic the thoughtful look of the Inquisitor. Who the ever-living fuck was crazy enough to jump into a Warp Storm? Were Inquisitors actually protected by the Emperor or something?

”It’d be imperative to make haste in your reparations,” the woman said with narrowed eyes, ”I hunted down a genestealer patriarch and its Cult just a week ago along with a Lictor.”

Selene stiffened, she had no idea what a Lictor was but she knew about genestealers. Disgusting little fuckers that slowly took over planets before slaughtering everyone. They venerated some sort of ’star gods’ if she remembered right, which always managed to draw the attention of the Inquisition along with other religious orders.

Ordo Xenos is tasked with hunting down Xenos threats, genestealers fit the bill perfectly.

She also knew that they hunted for any sort of Xenos corruption, be it knowledge, tools, relationships, or equipment but most importantly weapons. She glanced at her wrist, feeling rather conscious of the wrist-mounted murder toy she had on it.

”How do you get that by the way?” the woman glanced at the weapon, ”That’s not exactly a toy you can get in a bazaar, is it?”

Selene gulped despite knowing she hasn’t done anything that’d make the woman resort to force, and even if she did so she was surrounded by two hundred of her best men and women. Not that killing an Inquisitor came without consequences, she doubted if even Astartes could get away with it.

”I bought it,” she said stiffly, deciding against hiding it under the table and placing it on it instead.

”You know what this is?” the woman asked with a smirk as she levitated it towards herself, making it spin slowly in the air.

”I have tested it and used it in combat so I’d like to think I know its functionality,” she stated, which made the Inquisitor snort in — hopefully — amusement.

”You know that’s not what I meant,” she said as the weapon landed in her hands, how does an inquisitor have delicate hands like that?

”It has rather dubious origins,” she admitted, ”I know they aren’t Imperial at least.”

”’Harlequin’s Kiss’ that’s its name,” Echidna said, ”Do you know what Harlequins are?”

”Yes,” said Selene in a whisper, her gaze hardening as she thought up ways to come out on top should the worst come to pass. If the Inquisitor told the truth no one would even search for her.

”Hmm,” I enjoyed the way the stern woman almost squirmed under my gaze, ”Nice toy,” I said as I tossed it back to her which made her fumble a bit as she caught it.

”Did you know that a single stab with that can kill a Custodian?” I asked which made the woman stiffen up once again, even her half-burned bodyguard looked paler than a moment before as his gaze focused in on the small weapon, ”keep it safe, some would view you having that on you as a threat by itself.”

She nodded a bit jerkily, I smiled and the militant tore his gaze away from the weapon with a gulp, oh he had seen a custodian in action once, interesting.

”As fun as it is chatting with you I think it’d be best if you didn’t waste more time here,” I sprang to my feet, making the black-ops guys twitch a bit at my speed, ”as I assume you don’t know I’ll reveal a bit of my rather heretical knowledge to you, I’m sure you’ll be delighted.”

I clapped my hands together, ”While genestealers are the prelude to a shitstorm they come decades or even centuries before said storms, Lictors do not, they arrive weeks or months before.”

Selene Voss, great Captain of the whatever stood up, her schooled face showing some shock at last.

”Under shitstorm I mean a Tyranid splinter-fleet by the way if you couldn’t tell.”

”Fuck,” she murmured, which was echoed by Orion, though he also had much more colorful curses for our little predicament.

”Now then,” I looked between the two, ”get to work.”

They did so, Selene heading right back towards the shuttle with some of the guards while Orion went about ordering his men to collect some equipment from the hangar or whatnot.

I heard metal scraping on metal as the three-meter-tall cyborg monstrosity ambled toward me with calculated steps. That’s one ugly motherfucker and I’ve seen mutants.

”Greetings: Inquisitor Echidna.” a mechanical voice assailed my ears, sounding almost like static.

”Greetings,” I nodded at the thing, ”who do I have the pleasure of meeting?”

Ah, he called me Echidna, I had to hold back my constant smirk whenever I thought of my new name. Even just naming myself as an Inquisitor was preposterous but one from the Ordo Xenos that was supposed to deal with threats like me? On top of that, I called myself Echidna, an ancient monster from Greek mythology, known as the ’Mother of Monsters’.

If only they’d find my little joke as funny as I do when they figure it out if they figure it out.

”Response: Magos Dominus Zedev, Explorator of the Wanderer.”

”Query: Are the remains of the Xenos organisms intact and where can I find them?

Ah, fuck, just had to run into a xenobiologist.

”I’m afraid the remains didn’t take well to my melta grenades and as such at most, you’d find ash or a molten sludge if you crawled down into the undercity,” I shrugged regretfully.

”Regrettable, Farewell.”

And with that he ambled onwards, well that was certainly a conversation.

”Lady Inquisitor,” said one of the spec-ops guys after walking up to me rather robotically, ”The Captain is going to head back to the ship with the shuttle, if you wish to accompany her I’d lead you there.”

Huh, the ship, that could be interesting.

”Lead the way,” I smiled, and while he didn’t show any outward signs his heart beat a tiny bit faster and I felt his thoughts wandering quite far.

Telepathy could be a curse sometimes, not that I minded his surprisingly reserved fantasies. I expected people who constantly endangered their life to be more animalistic like in the WH books but he might just be an exception.

The Captain is much more interesting though, these goons are rather boorish.