Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I definitely have a bunch of stuff to talk with the family about this week.

Okay, well, I think I do. There’s the whole ’failing to live up to my own standards of Revelry’, then ’not feeling entirely like a piece of shit after doing so’. I think I want to talk about my whole issues with love languages, specifically the bit where what I want, what makes me feel loved, is not the thing that I jump to when I’m trying to express love, because something about that does not feel healthy to me. I mean, it might be, but that’s why I talk these things out with the fam, because it’s possible for a body to get all twisted up inside, to where I feel like something is just fine when it is, in fact, horrific, or feel like something is some kind of huge unforgivable sin when it’s something that those near and dear to me find endearing, cute, or hot.

I kinda want to talk to them about Jack and Karen, both to get reassured that they think those names aren’t awful, that my kids having namesakes isn’t some kind of setting up unreasonable expectations, and that maybe I did the right thing there with the whole ’letting Tallulah erase whatever names they had’. Seriously, we got their Consent to that, and they’re not babies, they were more or less cognizant of what was going on, but they’re also still kids, so I’m worried.

Speaking of kids, I really want to talk with them about Aisling. Shit, I probably ought to come back on a different day, although I’ll still have to find a day when whatever I’m doing I can have Aisling on a hip and not pay super close attention, while I focus on talking with Loki and Sigyn about their newest granddaughter. Which really ought to be Aoibh, but sometimes life intervenes. I was gonna say interferes, but honestly I’m not super upset about Aisling dropping into our laps. She’s cute as a button and sweet tempered for the most part. it’s just when she gets set off that there’s a problem. Sort of like how I’m not upset that she’s ours now, but I’m upset about how she wound up that way, both the Spartans orphaning her and all the shit that happened to her prior to that.

I can’t talk to them about my whole trickster prank on Marie, which I don’t intend to be hurtful in any case, but if I tell them about it and she’s there, she’ll find out about it, and that will spoil the prank. Which she will be there today, because I’ve just remembered that we’re doing family therapy now.

Shit. I’m not sure how I feel about that now. Seriously, I feel a little guilty that I feel some kinda way about not having one on one time with my whole therapy squad. The absolute worst part of me, the selfish part that everybody has, is trying to tell me that my therapy is somehow more important, because I’m the Primordial Omega of the End Times, but that shit just does not fly. Yeah, if I’m having some kinda fit, it might actually be worse than Aisling having one, but that does not give me an excuse to have a fit or even think about threatening a fit just to get my special alone time back.

Or I could just drop by during class some time maybe, or even cut class to see them. Not like I’m getting graded on Mondays anyhow.

Wait. I don’t know if I’m being graded, and I don’t know if being graded would help me learn or not.

Yeah, so after the conversation with Doc Glass yesterday, the one about somebody deliberately fucking up Aisling’s diet, I wound up sleeping poorly. Okay, that’s not quite true. I had weird dreams. Well, weirder dreams than usual. One lady at a time, I gently taste tested each of them, picking them up with a tentacle, then ever so slowly dipping them into my Maw. Which made no damn fuckin’ sense, since I was picking those ladies out of where they’d been floating around my Maw like a bunch of Real Housewives of the Alliance having some kinda pool party. They did that on that show, right? I never watched it.

Yeah, woke up feeling some kinda way, and before lunch I waved Hailee and Isnomi over to where I’d been trying to get Aisling to try some of the bar food. I lifted her up a little so I could talk to her a little easier, then asked, ”hey, do you mind if we go eat in a different room?”

She tensed, and I noticed how both Isnomi and Hailee tensed in response, but she eventually whispered, ”... K.”

I stepped us all to the entry to the oubliette, scooped them into my tentacles, and dropped down into the shielded room. I figured if everything went to hell in a handbasket, this would at least keep the kids in the sanctuary safe. Fortunately the room was still outfitted from when we had Aphrodite here, and while that was incredibly girly, it wasn’t super spartan. By that I mean the furniture was nice, not shabby, and reasonably comfortable. We’d honestly kept her way closer to ’guest who isn’t allowed to leave’ than ’prisoner awaiting sentence’.

For a moment I thought about how we’d treated Orla right after I saved her. Locked her in a literal prison cell, plain bunk and all. Didn’t seem fair, really. Before I could get all self-recriminatory, I reminded myself that those had been vastly different circumstances. Okay, different circumstances. Fine, I didn’t have a Temple with an oubliette, or I totally would have dropped her there. here. At any rate, I took a seat on the bed, patted the spot on Aisling’s far side with a nod to Hailee, and nodded Menace to the room’s only chair.

After a few moments of tension, I gave Aisling a pretzel. Weirdest thing to find in the here and now, but apparently Herbert knew how to make soft pretzels, and he’d taught Jack the recipe. Process. Whatever, the bar at the Temple of Love had soft pretzels now. I broke a piece off of mine and ate it, then broke another piece off and handed it to her. She sniffed at the one in my fingertips, just like she’d still been sniffing at the one I’d given her previously. The only mustard we had was spicy, and so far she hadn’t shown any desire for burn, so I’d kept it plain.

As she sniffed, I quietly said, ”I promise you, Aisling, I will never give you spoiled food, or anything I know will hurt you.”

I did not expect her reaction. She stiffened, that dissonant keening leaking from her mouth. When Hailee leaned against her, just a gentle shift to put my kit’s hand atop one of Aisling’s, our little proto-Bane Sidhe hiccupped, then sobbed. A moment later I had an armful of crying kid. I made quiet noises and held her, rubbing her back with two fingers until she fell asleep.

Keeping my tone even, I muttered, ”I’m kinda livid that somebody hurt her so bad you can’t even Consume all her Distress.”

Hailee shook her head. ”I’ve spoken with Doctor Glass. He hypothesized that consuming all of her Distress might keep her from processing her trauma, and suggested only Consuming enough that she could keep her wail contained.”

I pulled her to me, hugging her, as Isnomi scrambled up on the far side of her and hugged her as well. ”Thanks, Hailee. Have I told you how proud I am of you?”

”Yes, Mama.”

”Well, I am. Still am. So fuckin’ proud. Thank you.”

”You’re welcome, Mama.”

Got home, carried a still snoozing Aisling to Mom and Dad’s, leaving the Bath and Kitchen to the Docs. No, seriously, Marie actually gave Doc Glass permission to cook in her Kitchen. Not sure if he realized exactly how much of a gesture that was. Okay, not ’letting him cook’ there. Letting him cook unsupervised; previously the list of who was allowed to do that was one person, me, who’d never really taken her up on it.

In the morning I stepped over and brought them back to the cave. Once everybody got settled, with Hailee next to me and Menace at her smallest sharing my lap and holding Aisling, I started things off. ”I... I don’t know... I’m not sure I’m really recovered from my mom dying. After wallowing in it for so long, I’m not sure I ever will. But I am sure that I’ve got people here and now who love me, and that’s... I don’t want the hurt from before to hurt the people around me now.”

And so, with Hailee and Isnomi helping her keep her shit together, I let Aisling know the only way I could think of that she wasn’t alone. That even if what happened to her was so, so much worse than what had happened to me, that the people in the room with her loved her, and would watch over her, care for her, and do our best to help her heal.