Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

”A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.”

- Bruce Lee

Dude. I just can’t right now. Man with hands so fast they need to use camera tricks to keep up with him, who kicked the shit out of Chuck fuckin’ Norris in his debut, and when his mouth opens he drops wisdom bombs like that? Shit, maybe if I keep this up long enough I’ll be able to say shit that doesn’t sound like the metaphysical equivalent of a noxious fart. I mean, yeah, the odds are against it, but still, the world is not game balanced. I can be a fuckin’ incarnation of ass-kicking and also be something other than an utter dumbass.

I mean, it’s possible to combine those two things. No clue if I can do it, but Mister Lee’s shown that it’s possible right there. Okay, he sounds a little like a fortune cookie, but so did my mom sometimes, because English wasn’t her fuckin’ first language either. Shit, I wonder if English... was...

Y’know, that’s definitely one of those Really Dumb Questions I’m glad I didn’t finish asking. Ain’t nobody in my life whose first language was English. But I do wonder what Marie’s first language was, and if she still thinks in it and shit like that.

So yesterday when I scraped her melted ass off the floor my Kitten whispered, ”library,” in my ear, whereupon she proceeded to be an absolute pillow princess until she passed out and collapsed back into herself in the sleepy pile over at Lancaster House.

I followed, then once I was sure everybody was settled in, shoved my Blend all the way up and slipped into the bathroom. The bath was not, in fact, full of steaming water. Yet. I watched Maze pour kettle after kettle of water in, struggling but determined. I waffled over helping her, but she seemed so determined that in the end I left my Blend up and just shadowed her, nudging the kettle when it seemed like she was about to spill boiling water on herself, lifting it just the tiniest bit when it seemed she might drop it on herself. It took her maybe an hour, but eventually she had the tub full and steaming. She crawled in headfirst, her hair floating then following her under.

Weirdest fuckin’ thing, in the faint light from the kettle fires I could see the bottom of the tub, but the only way I could pick her out was my wireframe vision, and even there, I had to stare to make her out. I dropped my Blend, climbed into the tub, being careful not to step where I’d seen her before, and settled in with my butt on the bottom of the tub, the back of my head against the edge. After a few minutes, she tugged on my hair, trying to pull me under the water. I reached out and gently scooped her up until her eyes broke the surface. She didn’t exactly fight me, but she moved like floating dead weight. Curious, I tapped the side of my head and made a pointy ear shape. She blinked, grinned, and then a pair of equine ears popped through her hair.

”Hey Maze. Do you do this every night?” She glanced away, suddenly shifty. ”It’s okay. Not like there’s a shortage of firewood, or coal, or whatever they use here. I really like it.” She pouted. ”Did you want me to leave?” She shook her head. ”Do you want me to stay?” She nodded. ”Gonna try and murder me again?” She shrugged. I laughed, then said, ”okay. Be sure to let me know if you need help with that.” She gave me an honest to god ’really, Diaz’ look, and I laughed again. ”Hey, just because you’re being a one girl impediment to my matrimonial plans with your mama Marie doesn’t mean you’re not still a kid who might need my help.” She rolled her eyes, then scooched over to lay her head against my breast. Then she started nudging me down into the water. ”One more question?” The nudging stopped. ”Do you want me to be your mama?” She shook her head.

I slipped under the water, stifling my sigh, and let the near boiling water do its work.

Saffron woke me by booping my nose. When I surfaced, she said, ”so this is going to become a nightly thing then?”

I shrugged, enjoying how my shoulders moved without my scars pulling at them. ”You gotta try it some time. Feels so good on my scars.”

She made a curious little face, then leaned in and manhandled my shoulders a little. ”You know, I think they may be fading a little. It’s hard to tell, of course. But the water might be good for you.”

”See? See? I’m not a loon who likes trying to drown herself. It’s medicinal!” At that Maze giggled and wandered off to join the horde hoard. I smiled, hoisted myself out of the bath, and headed over to my toweling station.

I took it as a tiny victory, maybe even soothing a bit of the hurt at her not wanting me as a mama, when she positively pranced over to me to get patted and squeezed dry once Saffron pronounced her clean and rinsed her off.

On the way down to breakfast, where she’d hung around to walk hand in hand with Marie, I asked, ”you know, I don’t have to be your mama if I marry your mama Marie, right?”

She nodded. ”I know.”

I smiled down and said, ”so, may I have your permission to marry your mama Marie?”

She tilted her head, thinking about it while we walked. As I walked just a little ahead down the steps to put our heads at almost the same height, she shook her head. ”Not yet.” Then she reached out and took my hand. We walked like that, Marie and I bracketing her, the rest of the way to the table.

While I fed most of my waffles to Saffron, I summoned Isnomi over with a nod, and when she got there, I quietly said, ”hey Menace. Just to be sure, are you okay with me marrying Marie?”

She gave me a look like I was stupid, stole some of my waffle when she thought I wasn’t looking, and said, ”duh. Why?”

I booped her nose. ”You’ll wind up with five more siblings. Mostly sisters. Are you okay with that?”

She shrugged. ”Yeah.”

”Not envious or jealous of the attention they’re getting? From her or me or Mom?”

She shook her head. ”Mathe and Aleckth awe mow fun than Tikibada.”

I scooped her up into a hug. ”I’m so proud of you, sharing like that, Menace.”

She looked up at me with another ’duh’ look, then said, ”bigguh pack!” then wriggled free and scampered off snickering.

I facepalmed, Saffron mirroring the gesture. ”We’re doomed.”

Marie just laughed at both of us.

When we got to class, I went up to the profs and asked, ”hey, any chance we could do a field trip today?”

Sister Siobhan looked a little hunted, but not in any kind of super bad way, Docs Glass and Z both listened intently, and Doc DeLeon asked, ”what did you have in mind?”

I nodded. ”Most of the Undead we’ve fought in Calverton burn to ash when they’re Smited. Some of the ones we put down otherwise do as well, but the ones that don’t we’ve been hitting with a Smite just to make sure they won’t get back up and start causing trouble again.”

DeLeon nodded as the other three shuddered. Then again, they were two Doctors and a Healer Priestess, where Doc DeLeon was, by his own admission, a lawyer who knew a lot about Healing. Probably had to deal with shit worse than the Undead and shit on the regular in his profession. ”That makes sense. I presume they also burn when Smited?”

I nodded, ”yeah, mostly, but that’s the thing. Mostly. Some of them didn’t. I kinda want you guys to take a look at the bodies, see what’s up with that.”

Sister Siobhan looked like she wanted to puke, but she took a deep breath and nodded. Doc DeLeon turned to the other two, who looked at each other, then back at me. ”Do you really think this could help keep people alive?”

I hadn’t really thought about it that way, more that something weird with the Undead was not something I wanted to ignore. So I thought about it for a moment before saying, ”If this is nothing, if there are just some Undead bodies that don’t burn when Smited? Then I guess it’s nothing. But if this is something like the bodies will get back up as Undead again under just the wrong conditions? We need to figure out how to destroy them, or if we just can’t fuckin’ destroy them, then we need to figure out how to store them to keep them from getting up. Like, bury them in consecrated ground, or deliver them directly to Hel for inhuming, or whatever needs to be done. Otherwise yeah, people are gonna die when they get back up.”

They looked at each other again. Doc Z nodded, and Doc Glass turned to me and said, ”then of course we’ll come along.”

”Thanks.” I turned back to Doc DeLeon, ”you okay with the rest of the class coming along?”

He nodded. ”Most everyone in the class is either on their last Season before being promoted to Senior Cadet or a Senior Cadet rounding out their skills. We’ll of course ask any of the non-Academy students if they feel up to entering a combat zone.”

I chuckled a little. When they looked at me funny, I said, ”I had them moved over to the Black Dragon. Other than the bodies themselves, the Black Dragon is probably one of the safest places in the Alliance at the moment.” When they still looked dubious, I followed up with, ”it’s constantly surrounded by about half of our fleet, pretty much every ship not ferrying supplies from Phileo or to shore. Skasn’s not in great shape after his heart attack, but he’s pretty much permanently in residence on the bow, and he is the most experienced shit-kicker in Norfolk. Plus we’ve got maybe a third of the troops aboard the Black Dragon or the surrounding ships at any given time. Plus, y’know, any wounded who need to rest up in a completely miasma free zone are stationed aboard her. Like Skasn, not at full strength, but I’m sure they’d stand up to get in the way if somebody tried to hurt any of you.”

Doc DeLeon frowned and asked, ”with all those bodies, aren’t you worried that some Hole Spawn might show up?”

I couldn’t help it. I snickered, snorted, then started laughing. I wound up sitting on a desk, holding my sides, as tension I hadn’t realized lurked inside me flowed out. I waved at Saffron, and she stepped up to say, ”Tabitha eliminated the Hole itself, and while this isn’t common knowledge here in Phileo yet, she discovered the progenitor of the Hole Spawn, an Undead Dragon...”

At that point, Sister Siobhan, all three Docs, and even some of the Cadets who’d come in started shouting like the world was about to end or some shit. That ended when Saffron clapped her hands, the sound echoing through the room, leaving her standing there in Glowing Midnight, the center of everyone’s attention. ”The Dragon in question is no more. Tabitha ended it. Its pulped remains were scattered over most of the Bay when Tabitha landed her Black Dragon on its face.”

At that point Doc DeLeon shook his head. ”When you said, ’in residence on the bow’, you didn’t mean he’s sitting next to it, did you?”

I grinned at him, spreading that around. ”Nope. You guys wanna see?”

Doc Glass piped up with, ”are we certain the Dragon won’t reconstitute under water?”

Saffron smiled at him with a complete lack of humor and said, ”that might have been a concern, but the Kraken in the Bay guard against anything unpleasant along those lines.”

”Kraken.”

”Yes?”

”In the Bay?”

”Yes.”

Doc DeLeon inserted himself before Doc Glass and Saffron got any head-buttier, and said, ”How many Kraken?”

Saffron did her nail polishy thing and replied, ”all of them, I think.”

Before Doc Glass could say anything, Doc Z put a hand on his arm and asked me directly, ”is it safe?”

I nodded. ”I assure you, everyone here will be as safe there as they are here in this classroom.” I swear, I didn’t look directly at Sister Siobhan on purpose. Much. Totally did not realize that someone could blush while turning a sort of unhealthy green color from suppressed terror. I held out my hands. ”Everybody who’s going along, join hands!”

After a bit of bickering and back and forth between a few of the non-Academy students, everybody in the classroom stood with hands joined, and Saffron, Marie, and I stepped everyone to the big open stern deck of the Black Dragon. ”Welcome to the flagship of the Alliance fleet, everyone,” Saffron announced. Everybody kinda goggled at the idea they were, in fact, standing on a ship in the middle of the Bay. That got even worse when a kind of whining hum vibrated through the deck and the three guns in the rear turret depressed until it felt like we were all staring directly at the barrel plugs, then raised back up to their former elevation.

HOLY SHIT, KITTEN!

She leaned against me, smiling. It turns out Franklin was not, in fact, a complete waste of air. Lightning can be trapped and used to power things. I’m a bit too winded to be the lead in our investigation, though, so...

”Okay, everybody.” I nodded to three chain-wrapped coffins in the middle of the stern deck. ”There are the bodies. Let’s get to work while we’re working in daylight. Undead hate that shit.”

Three hours later, after every test and divination each of our experts could think of had been run, not to mention rerun by several students, as well as some of the students coming up with some non-destructive tests of their own, the consensus of our four experts was that we had three dead bodies. Not Undead waiting to happen, not any kind of Plague vector, just dead bodies.

I looked at Marie, nodded her over, and whispered, ”can you collect them?” She shrugged, then nodded. ”Hang on just a second.” Then I looked at Doc Glass and said, ”if they’ve been Smited, their Souls ought to be normal now, right?”

He frowned. ”If their Souls were still with their bodies when they were hit with Smite, they should have burned. I would be very careful doing anything involving their Souls.”

”Okay. Wait here a sec.” I took Marie by the hand and stepped to M-Space. ”Lead me to them.” She sniffed, then pulled me along through the towering forest of tentacles. Before long we walked through the shadows of buildings. Marie kicked in the door of one, startling a pale shadow of a guy looming over something on the ground. He turned to face us, hissed, his face distorted, and I hammered him with the biggest Smite I could whip up. With me in M-Space surrounded by tentacles, that was bigger than he was, and a second later he stood there, naked, blinking at us. ”How... why did you do that?”

I shrugged. ”You wanna be dead?”

”My rage at the Whore of Phileo and her perfidy carried me through to Undeath, I would gladly live again to fight her!”

I blinked a little at that, then said, ”uh, okay. You down for clearing out Calverton for the survivors?”

”Survivors?”

I nodded. ”Oh, yeah. Like two, maybe three thousand military types, plus another ten to fifteen thousand civilians. The combat types are all down here, but the civilians are staying in Lancaster until we’ve got Calverton clear.”

His eyes glistened. ”My... my wife might be alive?”

”I mean, if she made it as far as the river, I Cured and Healed everybody who made it that far.”

”You... you Cured them? Healed them?”

I shrugged. ”Fuckin’ Apollo tossing arrows at me and missing like the lazy, careless fuck he was is why Calverton got plagued in the first place. That and fuckin’ High Priest Garland, using his High Priest ’I don’t get sick’ card to carry the Plague to the rich folks and Heroes in Calverton.”

”You’re... you’re her, aren’t you?”

I leaned in, put a hand on his shoulder, and said, ”just to be clear, if you gotta talk shit about me, at least be accurate. I’m a slut, not a whore.”

”What?”

”Slut of Phileo. Not Whore. If you gotta say shit like that. Okay?” He just knelt there, mouth open, until I said, ”you want I should Revive you?”

He shook his head. ”You... you would Revive one who swore to fight against you, who defied Death itself to do so?”

I shrugged. ”Tell you what. I’ll Revive you and drop you off in Lancaster tonight. You look around, talk with the survivors, see if maybe you can find your wife. If you still want to kill me after, just tell Larry and I’ll meet you in the courtyard of Lancaster House. Fair?”

He shook his head. ”Larry?”

”Heir Lancaster.”

”Oh. I... guess?”

”Okay then.” I grabbed him and Marie and stepped back to where we’d started. Oddly enough, the Black Dragon didn’t show up in M-Space like, at all that I could tell. ”Marie, hold him so Her Unholy Fatassness doesn’t eat him?”

She nodded, and I Co-Located across to the Mortal Realm. Everyone jumped a little at seeing me, at which point I pulled Mana direct from Mimic’s tentacles and whomped the corpse that looked like the Soul we’d rescued with a big ’ol Revive. He sat up, gasping, pretty much doing it in tune with the rest of the class. ”Okay, the good news is that it looks like these three just need our handy local Psychopomp to find their Souls, at which point somebody can Smite them, drag them back here, and Revive them. The bad news is I think they’re hanging around as ghosts or specters or some shit like that until we find them and stop them over in M-Space.”

Everybody just stared at me. ”What, have I got something on my face?”

At that point Saffron just burst out laughing, and Sister Siobhan stepped up to me. ”Did... did you just Revive him?”

”Uh, yeah? Was I not supposed to?”

She reached out, running a hand down the side of my face, leaving it against my chin. ”You... you didn’t get that Mana from Loki, did you?”

”No. Sorry?”

She laughed, but it came out brittle. ”She serves you. Doesn’t she?”

Saffron stepped up, slipping an arm around me. ”Of course I do. She is my loving wife, Champion of the Alliance, and the single most powerful military force in Atlantis. She’s also the one who declared me Imperator. Why would I not?” While she spoke, she slipped her hand up alongside Sister Siobhan’s, pinning it there.

The Sister jerked back only to bump her butt into Marie’s thighs. ”Oh. Well.” She looked around the class, but most of them had, following the lead of Docs Glass and Z, started giving the recently Revived dude a thorough going over, I guess to figure out if he was likely to turn Undead again. Blend at work, I guessed.

I realized just then that we kind of had her pinned, and she looked more than a little like she wanted to scamper like a rabbit. ”Ladies, please.” I laced my fingers through Saffron’s, letting Sister Siobhan’s hand free, and nodded at Marie, who more or less ignored me and stood there. Of course, she wasn’t so much ’blocking Sister Siobhan’s escape’ as just ’standing behind her’ anyway. I looked at the Sister and said, ”it’s okay. You can run away if you want.”

Saffron laughed at me as Sister Siobhan shook her head convulsively. ”Oh, my Goof. It is far too late for that. She’s committed herself to this course, and she knows the only way out is through.”

Sister Siobhan stiffened at that, then jerked her head in a single nod. She opened her mouth to say something, but Marie interrupted by saying, ”True.”

I managed to catch her before she hit the floor, only to find the class staring at me as I held the Sister in my arms.

”It’s not my fault this time!”