Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

”It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”

- Erma Bombeck

Well, shit, not like I can argue with that shit. Just playing stand-in wannabe mom for Maze got me going all gooey and fixing Artemis’ nose for her, because I felt a little bad she couldn’t even try to sniffle without dripping blood all over the place. The fact that she made a mess on the floor with that shit had nothing at all to do with it. Just me being compassionate, and understanding her right into the floor tiles.

Yeah, I know, some part of me really wanted to just eat the bitch, but honestly that thought put another part of me off my feed. Also, I had an opportunity, one of those ’teachable moments’ duBois talks about, to show Maze that there’s a better way than endless cycles of vengeance.

Of course, the moment I thought that, I had to fuck it up. ”Maze?”

”Yes?”

”Do you think Artemis has paid for her part in your mom’s death?” When she looked at me, still a little out of it, and definitely with weird pointed ears coming out the top of her head, not to mention a weird tail kinda like a pony, I simplified it. ”You want I should do something else to her?”

If Artemis stiffened up, I did not give a single shit about that. ”I... don’t know.”

”Well, if you think of something, just let me know, I’ll make it happen.”

”You would put me at the mercy of childish pettiness?” whispered Artemis. She might have meant it to be too low for me to hear, but nasal brain tentacles.

”Yeah, she’s actually a six year old child. What was your excuse again?” She paled. ”Doesn’t feel so good when you’re the one who has to spend every waking moment worrying about what’s going to happen, does it?” Her head jerked, and I finished up with, ”so maybe take some time thinking on that and do fuckin’ better. Go home.”

As she stood, she asked, ”am I to die then?”

”The fuck you mean by that?”

”She cannot leave for the same reason I saw no need to protect the suite from M-Space intruders,” said Saffron from beside the door. ”Although I’m sure she could walk to Phileo and wait for the next ship headed for Greece.”

”Won’t that be a while with all our cargo ships tied up ferrying food to Calverton?”

”You say that like my initial reaction to seeing this betraying bitch wasn’t to see how many slices I can take off of her before she dies.”

”I’m trying to learn to be, y’know, a better person than that.”

Suddenly Saffron filled my achy arms. ”I know, love. And I love you for that.” She pulled Maze into our hug, and if the little one leaned on Saffron and away from me, I wasn’t gonna complain. Kitten whispered to Maze, ”I know you’ve missed a few bath days. Did you know Tabitha’s the one who got me in the habit of taking so many?” When Maze shot her a ’bullshit’ look, she just nodded. After that Maze gave me another long, considering look.

”Are we done with her here now, though?” I nodded at Artemis.

”I see no need for her to remain. Walking to Phileo would give her time to think on her crimes.”

I sighed. ”Yeah, but even odds she and some Lancaster dumbass who ought to know better will strike sparks, and I don’t want collateral damage on my hands. Don’t want what’ll happen if I tell her she can’t defend herself at all, either.”

Saffron leaned into me, incidentally dragging Maze closer. ”You are such a soft touch, love. So kind. So gentle.”

”I try. Hey Marie?” Marie looked up from where she’d been soothing a few of the kids back to sleep. ”Could you deliver that one to Dionysus, tell him to make sure she’s safe?” I turned to the goddess in question and said, ”as for you, let Marie deliver you to D, do whatever she or he says, no violence for any reason whatsoever. No harming anyone for any reason whatsoever. Otherwise you die painfullly.”

”Yes, Mistress. What if a child is in danger?”

”You scoop them up and run.”

”Yes, Mistress. What if there are too many to carry, and the danger is a living thing?”

I sucked my teeth. ”Then you get it to calm down. If you can’t, you kill it, and then I kill you, painfully. Because giving your life to protect kids is what you should have done all along.”

She shuddered, but said nothing but, ”yes, Mistress.”

I nodded to Marie and said, ”get her out of here.” A moment later, she was gone. I turned to Maze. ”Do you want to come to bed with us all now? Your mama’s still in there, waiting for you.”

She frowned, but she could see Marie’s pale fur in the dim light. ”How?”

Saffron leaned in and whispered, ”the best mamas can be in more than one place at a time.”

Maze nodded, and after patting her dry gently, Saffron carried her back to bed, at which point I collapsed back to the me that had never left the middle of the squish pile.

Mimic got soup. I don’t know how, but she got soup. Soup wasn’t what she craved, but soup is what she got. She also danced with her Kraken, so I guess maybe she was working on her fatass figure? I dunno. Dreams are still fuckin’ weird, even when they’re straight from my continent covering alter ego.

Spent all day yesterday perched atop the mast with my binocs, watching for flags and flares. Sent Murder Mittens to direct Olga when needed, sent her in to wreck shit when Olga wasn’t available. At the end of the day, Saffron showed up looking more than a little excited. ”My Goddess!”

I flexed, and nothing hurt when I did, so I leered at her and said, ”Ready to put up our privacy bowl, Kitten?”

She shook her head, her grin more eagerness than wickedness. ”You two, follow me! A grave injustice must be put right!”

She led us down the ladders, then across to the cabin we’d found when we went looking for the Admiral’s cabin that first day. Since then the bedding had been replaced with some stuff that looked a little less modern, but oddly more comfy, mostly due to the stupid amount of pillows and comforters. ”Okay, yeah, seen this. Cool, but not as cool as balancing you on my chin.”

She grinned at me, then opened a door we’d more or less ignored before. ”Before I explain, I’ve sorted out what needs to be done to make this work in the long run, but for now,” she led us in to a small but complete modern bathroom. Way less luxurious than the setup at Lancaster House, but it touched some nostalgia buttons for me.

”Okay, okay, this is really,” she flushed the toilet, and it flushed. ”Holy shit, Kitten, you got the plumbing working?”

She giggled at my reaction, ”yes and no. Anything gravity fed has been cleared and works, but the pumps themselves aren’t working yet.” At my questioning look, she pointed to the water tank and said, ”Create Water.”

”Oh. Huh. Still, pretty fuckin’ cool.”

She grinned. ”It is! Now, come with me.” She led us out of the cabin, then down a ladder cosplaying as a flight of steps, then through a door. Into a suite that had to be nearly as big as ours back at the Academy. ”Holy shit, Kitten! Where did this come from?”

”These, my love, are your quarters.” She pulled me over and plonked my butt on a chair that had been covered over with here and now cushions and blankets.

”Huh?”

”Eloquent as ever.” She sat on my lap and kissed me as she pulled Marie down to find a perch on the arm of the chair. ”You, my love, are officially the Captain of the Black Dragon. I decided.”

”Uh... cool? Shouldn’t that go to somebody with some actual Naval experience though?”

She shook her head. ”We’ll make someone like that Admiral of the fleet. They can have the other cabin. This one is ours.”

I smiled at her. ”Sure, Kitten. I mean, this is my fuckin’ Battleship, I guess I ought to have a cabin aboard, right?”

”We.”

”We?”

”We. Because do you know what else I found out?”

I shrugged. ”Nope, but I can tell you’d rather tell me than have both of us double team you right at the moment.”

She laughed out loud, the sound pure savage joy. ”The range of the sixteen inch guns, which can throw a literal ton of metal, is twenty nautical miles.”

”Oh, shit, my ammosexual has become a size queen too.” I buried my face in her neck as I laughed, and she laughed as much as I did.

She managed to stop laughing long enough to try and argue, at which point Marie interrupted by saying, ”Yes.” Her holding up her index and middle fingers side by side just added some absolute stupidity to the hilarity, and I’m sure somebody heard us from outside the cabin, and I’m equally certain nobody was about to interrupt us unless they were terminally stupid or optimistic. Kinda too bad, but what are you gonna do? I mean, in my case, the answer is ’my wifes as often as possible’, but everybody knows I’m a gluttonous horn dog.

When the three of us settled enough Saffron could talk again, the Grin’s bloodthirstiest sister slid onto her face and she said, ”We’ll need a place aboard to sleep on the journey. And to celebrate afterward.”

”Huh?”

”Olympus is only ten nautical miles from the shore.” As I may have mentioned before, do not piss my Kitten off. She is distressingly thorough. On the other hand, her next words, accompanied by some coy eyelash batting at Marie and I, was, ”so, did you want to claim these rooms properly?”

By the time we got home, the kids were all bundled up in a ring that more or less slow motion collapsed in on us when we settled in.

Mimic decided to pogo in the Bay with her Kraken. I do not get it, but fuck it, at least she swallowed her soup rather than doing the soupkkake thing again.

Woke up this morning and shepherded everyone through our morning routine, which now included a toilet visit for everybody. Little bit weird that it was just part of the whole public procession, with Marie collecting whatever they’d worn to sleep, then helping the tot onto the pot right in front of the rest of the kids, helping them pour water over their front and back from a little cup that filled up from the elevated tank, then scooting them off to where Saffron waited in the tub. Weird or not, it still made me proud when Isnomi led the parade. Pretty sure some of the kids weren’t properly potty trained yet, and Marie helped the ones in diapers without making a big deal of it, but the general peer pressure seemed to be for ’bodily waste in the toilet, bathe every day, wear clean clothes’, at least in part due to her example, so I wasn’t gonna let my lingering ’oh, no, everybody’s naked under their clothes’ screw with that.

Let’s face it, the kids might have no body modesty, but they sure as shit weren’t gonna be embarrassed by dumb shit like ’having tits’ or lack thereof. Speaking of body parts, while David did in fact have a twig and berries, he was the only one of Marie’s adoptees who did. That surprised me a little with Alex, but fuck it, it’s not like I’m a paragon of fuckin’ femininity and shit.

At breakfast, as I fed Saffron waffles, I looked around at the spread and asked, ”aren’t we, like, still in the middle of a famine?”

She giggled a little and lay a hand alongside my face as she chewed and swallowed. ”So my Goof. Not really, love. Between organized planting, harvesting, shipping, rationing, and Mrs. Driver explaining to the other food merchants that she will let them know when they can go back to trying to get rich, or they can stay in the Drivers’ meat locker until she gets an order for long pork, we’ve managed to keep things to ’hungry’ rather than ’starving’.”

”Holy shit. Momma Driver said that?” When she nodded, not to mention Raven and Bonnie both giggling, I muttered, ”but she’s... all soft and fluffy and squeaky.”

That got a belly laugh out of the cousins, and Saffron said, ”so very Goof. I think she could arm wrestle Marie and win.”

Before I could deny it, Marie slid another waffle in front of me and said, ”Likely.”

Saffron looked pointedly at my waffle, and as I sliced it up, she lowered her voice and said, ”you do know why she’s with Mister Driver, don’t you love? I mean, I certainly understand.”

I blinked at her. ”Oh, jeez. Are you into telephone poles too now? Black Dragon got you thinkin’ thoughts of bigger, badder, broader boys?”

She smiled and bapped me on the forehead with a couple fingertips. ”No, Goof. He’s the first and only man to make her feel... safe.”

”She didn’t feel safe before? She’s what, seven feet tall?”

”Not quite, but that’s my original point, there’s not a merchant in the Alliance that she wouldn’t stand a fair chance of snapping in half. Most of the ones she couldn’t are friends of hers, anyhow. But my point with Mister Driver is that with him? She can let herself go and just be as girly as she likes. She doesn’t have to be a brute. She can be... cute.”

I smiled. ”She is pretty fuckin’ cute. Adorable, really.”

That got her laughing, and I crammed a bite of waffle dripping with cream and syrup into her mouth. Will I be receiving visions of your intimate conquest of William’s mother soon? Before I could formulate a snarky reply, she thought, she and her husband are definitely a package deal, though.

I shuddered as I loaded up the next spoon while my Kitten savored her waffle. ”Gah. Way to kill even my speculative lady boner. You getting jealous or something?”

She smiled at me, barely keeping all her waffle in her mouth. There goes my nefarious plan to watch you manhandled by him.

”Double gah! You really wanna just ream me out, climb in, and drive me around like a mech, don’t you?” When she tilted her head a little, I shoved the spoonful into her barely open mouth, left it there, and started doing a bad robot impression, making mechanical noises as I did so.

She snorted cream out of her nose. I win at breakfast!

She also remembered that we had class today. While I did my thing for Cadet Karen Smith, Saffron brought my Cold Iron Coins up and used them to test how close she could put a Filtration Ward to them. After lunch she lay some plate steel across them, and worked on putting the Ward directly into the steel. She and Doc Roberts went straight over my head the moment after she explained what she was trying to do. I kinda sorta understood they were talking in math, but other than that? I was a living battery and booster seat.

On the other hand? Saffron sitting in my lap all day, and Olga took care of the only red flare.

Nice to have a day full of wins once in a while.