Second Life as a Soldier

I spent almost the next week avoiding everything.

My injury gave me a convenient excuse. I spent most of my time checking on Lief. He had overused his mana just like I had, but he was also injured in the head and chest. He still had not woken up.

I had even lost my will to train.

After almost two years, this was the first time I had spent more than a week without training. Even during expeditions, I would always find some way to push my skills forward. Now, I had no motivation to do anything at all.

Once I made my way to the training yard, mostly out of habit. There were only a few skills I could still practice. I activated [Perceptive Instinct (UC)], only to be reminded of the Shadow Cats. I stood there with the skill active for a few minutes before turning back and heading to the infirmary to check on Lief.

My dilemma about my future only intensified as the days passed. Sometimes I thought about running away from the army, which would be the same as signing my own death warrant. Other times, I considered changing paths entirely. I was already assigned under a healer lieutenant. Maybe I should accept a support role. I could leave combat behind. After my ten years of service, I could retire somewhere small and quiet.

Maybe joining the army had been a mistake from the beginning.

Maybe I was never cut out for this.

Maybe it had all been an impulsive decision made during desperate times.

Eventually, I pushed those thoughts aside as I walked toward the command building. There was one thing I wanted to do properly.

Pay respect to the fallen.

The captain would also be rewarding those who had performed exceptionally well. That was why all the soldiers had been summoned today.

As people moved around me, I realized again how many we had lost. They said the casualty rate at the front was fifty percent, but looking around, it felt closer to sixty or seventy percent. When we entered the yard, a space that had once been packed before the battle now looked half empty. Even the Vanguard ranks at the front were missing several faces.

There were changes in the yard.

A small platform had been erected at the front, and before it stood four short pillars, each about five feet tall. At the center of the platform was a lotus shaped base, upon which stood four small figurines carved from stone. One was shaped like a Venelion. One resembled a Shadow Cat. Another took the form of a fire bird. The last was a massive, majestic python.

We waited a few minutes before the captain entered the yard and climbed the platform. There was no spectacle today. Just a slow, solemn walk.

“What I say today is not important,” the captain began. “It will be a short speech. My words will not be remembered. But I want you to remember what we did here. What our fellow soldiers did.”

“We stood against one of the worst beast tides in the last one hundred and twenty five years. And yet, the fort took minimal damage. Many of you remember how the Tier Four beasts turned the tide. Their contribution matters. But this fort still stands today because of every single one of us. Because of those who gave their lives to protect this country from the beasts. Because of the brave souls who emerged on the battlefield.”

“It is our duty, those who stand here today, to remember them. When conscripts return to their farms and villages, tell them of what you witnessed. When soldiers here move on to other posts, remember those you served beside. Let the world know their names.”

He gestured toward the pillars.

“These stand as symbols of victory. Of the beasts the Untamed Forest threw at us. And the beasts we defeated.”

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He stamped his foot once against the stone.

The pillars reacted, faint light rippling through the carvings.

“The Royal Army will reward the families of the fallen,” he continued. “But after witnessing the bravery of the soldiers who fought beside me, House Darrow will also contribute. One gold coin to the families of the fallen. Fifty silver coins to those who suffered major injuries. And ten silver coins to everyone else.”

Applause broke out across the yard.

Even I felt a flicker of relief. I did not care much about money, but many here did. Especially the forced conscripts who had only been pulled in to defend against the beast tide. With the combined compensation from the Royal Army and House Darrow, their families could survive for decades in a small town.

“But that is not all,” the captain said after the clapping faded.

“In the Royal Army, there are three medals awarded for the highest achievements. Crown Valor, for defeating or saving the kingdom from a city level threat. Shield of the Realm, for defending a town or small city. And the Iron Merit Medal, for extraordinary individual excellence on the battlefield.”

“If you ask me, everyone here deserves Crown Valor. But I do not have the authority for that. Nor do I have the authority to award Iron Merit to everyone. Still, there are a few heroes who deserve it more than most. Some survived. Others did not. But their families and loved ones deserve this recognition just the same.”

“With the Iron Merit Medal comes a lifetime pension after retirement, equal to the highest rank achieved during service, along with a guaranteed Tier Three posting in a city.”

“First,” the Captain said, “Sergeant Dom. A commoner born in Stonegate. Tier Two. He stood against a Tier Three mammoth to protect his entire squad. He did not survive. But the Royal Army will remember his contribution and grant his family the medal and its accompanying benefits.”

“Next, Lieutenant William Coales of House Coales. For defending the northeast wall against multiple Tier Three threats and saving three squads of his company.”

Lieutenant Coales stepped forward as the captain placed the medal on him. We clapped.

Several more names followed. Acts of bravery. Sacrifice. Courage. The atmosphere lifted slightly with each one.

Then the captain said something that froze me in place.

“And the youngest on this list,” he said, “Private Edward. Born in the small town of Oxspell. A rising prodigy.”

“When the sergeant of his squad fell in the line of duty, Private Edward stepped up. He led his squad against Tier Two and Tier Three Shadow Cats, enduring one of the most brutal assaults faced by any unit. Though his squad suffered losses, they defeated two Tier Three Shadow Cats and six Tier Two Shadow Cats.”

“For this, Private Edward is awarded the Iron Merit Medal. He is also promoted to sergeant, assigned to lead a squad in Company Eleven.”

Applause erupted.

The sound hit me like a wave.

It was too loud. Too sudden. My ears rang as if struck, and for a heartbeat, the yard blurred at the edges. The applause did not feel celebratory. It felt crushing, pressing in from all sides, demanding something I did not have to give.

Faces turned toward me.

Some were smiling. Others looked relieved. A few watched with something closer to awe.

My legs moved before I fully realized it.

Each step toward the platform felt heavier than the last. When the captain placed the medal around my neck, its weight settled against my chest, cold and solid.

It did not feel like recognition.

It felt like an accusation.

How could I tell them that when the sergeant fell, I froze? That if not for Walter, I would have let the Tier Three tear out my throat? How could I explain that six people from my squad died because I failed? That I did not deserve a place on the list among those who gave their lives for their comrades?

Those thoughts tore through me as the captain placed the medal around my neck.

I bowed mechanically and moved to stand behind him with the others.

My hands were shaking.

And I could not bring myself to look at the medal.

Once everything was over, we were dismissed after a few words from the captain, praising us for our actions. I just kept nodding along, going through the motions.

As I stepped down from the platform, I turned to look for Garran and the others. I had expected them to be here. I was their sergeant now. But I didn’t see them anywhere. I hadn’t seen them since the end of the battle, and that realization left a sour taste in my mouth.

I should at least pay them a visit, I thought.

After searching for a few minutes, I found them lounging in the shadow of the southern wall, the same place where we had first met. What I heard next made my blood boil.

“...I deserved that medal too. I fought a Tier Three and survived,” Barry said, laughing.

“Yeah, you really deserved it, my ass,” Garran replied. “All you did was freeze up and lie there while the real danger showed up.”

“If anyone deserved it, it was me,” Varric said, closing his eyes as if savoring the memory. “I fucking killed two of them. Cut right through them like butter.”

“Hey, then I deserve one too,” Garran added. “I killed two as well. One of them was the bastard that killed those two poor chaps.”

I started toward them, anger drowning out everything else. They hadn’t just skipped paying their respects. They were laughing. Bragging. Making light of the deaths of their own squadmates.

Maybe they were the monsters.

And maybe they deserved to be treated like monsters.

Just like Walter and the others had treated them.