I Siphon the Dead to Become the Strongest

Suddenly, his ankles were seized by two pairs of cold, clammy hands. Before he could even scream, he was violently jerked backward.

SPLAT!

He was ripped from his sanctuary and slammed face-first into the pavement. The impact sent a jolt through his skull that made his teeth rattle. Two goblins were currently engaged in a tug-of-war with his legs, snarling with triumphant glee as they dragged him out into the open.

Well, Ethan thought, his cheek pressed firmly against the grit, I always wanted to see the world from a new perspective. Turns out, the world looks a lot like a dirty parking lot when you’re being kidnapped by monsters.

In a surge of sheer, unadulterated panic, Ethan reached upward. He didn’t have a weapon, but he had the chassis of the SUV. He activated his passive skill, his fingers locking onto the metal undercarriage with the force of a industrial vice.

”Hrrrgggh!”

He groaned, his face twisting into a mask of effort as he fought for his very life. It was a pathetic sight: two goblins pulling one way, and a sweating, terrified man gripping a car for dear life, essentially becoming a human anchor.

”Let! Go! You! Green! Gremlins!” he shrieked, his knuckles turning white as he clung to the car. ”This is my car now! I’m the captain of this SUV! Get your own ride!”

...

For a few heart-stopping seconds, it was a stalemate. Ethan was the anchor, the goblins were the winch, and the SUV was the only thing standing between him and a very unpleasant fate.

Then, the inevitable happened.

The oil and grime on the undercarriage, combined with the sheer force of the goblins’ tugging, proved too much. He felt his grip falter. Time seemed to stretch into a surreal, agonizing slow-motion sequence. He could see the individual grains of sand on the pavement; he could see the triumphant glint in the goblins’ eyes.

Oh, fuck, he thought.

Why is it that every time I find a safe spot, the universe decides I’ve had too much peace? Why is my luck not just bad, but actively malicious? If there were a world championship for ’Most Unfortunate Events to Happen to One Man in Twenty Minutes,’ I wouldn’t just win the gold; I’d accidentally trip on the podium and fall into a pit of spikes.

Swoosh—CRASH!

The grip snapped. The goblins didn’t just pull him; they launched him. Ethan flew through the air like a discarded ragdoll, sailing forward until he collided squarely with the windshield of a parked car.

K-SHATTER!

The glass exploded into a thousand glittering diamonds. Ethan slammed into the dashboard with a dull thud, sliding down the interior of the car in a heap of shattered safety glass and broken dreams.

”My... back...” he wheezed, his voice sounding like a deflating balloon. He lay there for a moment, staring blankly at the ceiling of the car, his spirit practically leaving his body. ”I give up. Just... just eat me. I’m probably too salty anyway.”

He winced, closing his eyes in resignation. But then, a shadow fell over him.

He cracked one eye open just in time to see a goblin diving through the shattered windshield, its heavy foot raised and poised to stomp directly onto his face.

The survival instinct is a funny thing. It doesn’t make you brave; it just makes you fast when the alternative is having your nose flattened.

In a blur of desperation, Ethan rotated his body with the agility of a panicked eel, slipping out of the car just as the goblin’s foot slammed into the seat where his head had been a millisecond before. As the creature stumbled forward from its own momentum, Ethan reached out and snatched the goblin’s ankle in a vice grip.

With a sudden, violent twist of his torso, he used the creature’s own weight against it, swinging it around and slamming it face-first into the asphalt.

SPLAT.

The goblin groaned, dazed and confused, lying on its back and staring up at the sky. Ethan stood over it, a manic, slightly crazed glint in his eyes.

”You know,” Ethan panted, a dark smile spreading across his face. ”I’ve had a very long, very stressful morning. And I think it’s time for some special delivery.”

He stepped back, pulling his left foot back with an intensity that suggested he was trying to kick a hole through the fabric of reality itself.

”You’re the lucky winner!” he cheered. ”The first official test subject for my upgraded specialty!”

[Skill Activated: Ball-Buster’s Bane]

K-POW!

Ethan’s foot drove forward with pinpoint accuracy, connecting squarely and violently with the goblin’s most vulnerable region.

”BALL BUSTER!!!”

The impact was seismic. The goblin’s eyes didn’t just widen; they practically shot out of its skull. Its jaw dropped open in a silent, breathless scream of pure, unadulterated agony. For a moment, the creature simply hovered in a state of existential shock, its entire body stiffening into a rigid board.

Then, the kinetic energy caught up.

The goblin was rocketed forward, launched like a green, screaming missile. It flew across the pavement, slamming directly into a group of its comrades with a resounding clunk, knocking them over like a set of sickly green bowling pins.

Ethan stood there, shaking out his leg, feeling a sense of satisfaction that no amount of therapy could ever provide. ”Yeah,” he whispered. ”That’s the stuff.”

Ethan stood there for a moment, basking in the glory of his tactical Nutcracker strike. He felt like a god. A very bruised, very tired, and very oil-stained god.

But the universe, as Ethan had already discovered, possesses a personal vendetta against his happiness.

”SKREEEEEE!”

A blur of green erupted from the wreckage of the bowling pin pile, charging straight at him with a frenzied, guttural roar. It was moving fast—terrifyingly fast.

Ethan blinked, his brain currently operating on a three-second delay. He tilted his head, watching the monster approach with a look of genuine curiosity.

”Huh...” he murmured, his voice trailing off. ”What is this? Is this a Shadow Clone technique? Are you basically Naruto at this point? What’s next, a Rasengan? Please tell me you’re going to summon a giant toad, because that would really tie the whole ’absurd nightmare’ theme of my day together.”

He let out a dizzy, misplaced chuckle, completely unaware that the goblin was now within striking distance.

Then, the world shifted.

A sudden, heavy force slammed into his midsection, tackling him violently to the side.

”Oof!” Ethan gasped as he was sent skidding across the pavement, his cheek making a very intimate acquaintance with the side of a nearby car. Screeech-thump.

As he lay there, staring at the sky and wondering if the clouds were actually giant marshmallows, a familiar figure materialized in his blurred vision.

Zane had appeared like a thunderclap. Without a second of hesitation, Zane gripped his short mace with both hands, pulling it back in a powerful, concentrated arc. With a sudden, explosive release of strength, he swung the weapon upward.

CRACK-ALUM!

The mace connected squarely with the charging goblin’s jaw. The impact sounded like a sledgehammer hitting a wet watermelon. The creature didn’t just fall; it was launched vertically, soaring upward with a startled ’Gwah!’ until it collided with the street lamp above.

The goblin’s head became perfectly, almost artistically, pinned against the metal housing of the lamp, its legs dangling uselessly in the air as it flickered in and out of consciousness.

Zane exhaled, lowering his weapon and looking down at the heap of a man on the ground.

”Are you okay, Ethan?” Zane asked, his voice a mixture of concern and genuine confusion at Ethan’s current state.

Ethan didn’t move. He just lay there, his eyes slowly drifting in two different directions.

”Okay?” Ethan whispered, his voice sounding distant and airy. ”I’m great. Truly. Nothing says ’I’m okay’ quite like being tackled into a vehicle by my own teammate without any prior warning. My face and that car just had a very intimate conversation... and I think the car won.”

He slowly lifted one hand, giving a shaky, trembling thumbs-up that wobbled precariously in the air.

”Ten out of ten... great... service...”

And with that, the thumbs-up slowly drifted downward, and Ethan’s eyes rolled back into his head as he succumbed to the sweet, silent embrace of unconsciousness.