Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms

”You are a bad guy… Erm… Don’t put your arms around me…*sshole…You are pressing on my boobies… Eww…”

Luo was completely drunk. She laid on Chen’s bed and started to mumble.

”Sister… Your boobies are pressing on my arm…”

Chen was lying beside her, putting on an innocence face. His right arm was being hugged tightly by Luo. It was trapped deep inside the cleavage of Luo’s ”snow mountains”. It was not an easy job to pull it out. Also, Luo was turning around on the bed non-stop. This made Chen’s arm suffer from an enormous amount of pressure!

”Damn… It’s gigantic… It’s elastic… So fantastic… I think that’s alright. Let me suffer a little bit and have your boobies put my arm to sleep. Chen could not pull out his hand, and he did not want to pull it out either. So, he took out his cellphone and went straight to the Red Envelope Group of the Three Realms.

Nezha: Wow! God Chen is online! Happy Mid-Autumn festival! (Three cute emojis).

Monkey King: My bro! Happy Mid-Autumn festival!

Yanwang: God Chen. Happy Mid-Autumn festival! (Three smiling emojis).

Chang’e: God Chen. Hehehe…

Chen: Hahaha! Thank you so much for your wishes! I wish that everyone has a Happy Mid-Autumn festival as well!

God Erlang: Let’s cease the all these useless formalities! Get the Red Envelopes rolling!

Monkey King: Okay! You should be the first one! We will give out our Red Envelopes after you give out your Red Envelope!

God Erlang: Erm… Wow! The moon is beautiful today! (Act dumb)

Monkey King: Such a shameless bastard! Are you trying to cheat my bro’s Red Envelopes? (Three despising emojis)

God Erlang: Stupid monkey! I didn’t say that it’s compulsory to give out Red Envelopes! Why the rockhead did you scold me?! You wanna have a fight with me, huh?

Monkey King: Come on! Let’s fight! I will be a coward if I’m afraid of you!

*Cough*

*Cough*

Chen: Both of you deities, don’t be angry! Today is Mid-Autumn festival! Such beautiful night! One should give out some Red Envelopes to make the night more joyful! I acquired some mooncakes earlier on. Let me give everyone a big Red Envelope!

God Erlang: Pssst… There’s nothing special about a mooncake! It’s just a pile of flour! Even my Xiao Tianquan does not want to eat it!

Xiao Tianquan: That’s right! I don’t want mooncake! I want ham!

Nezha: I want Wahaha Calcium Milk!

I don’t want mooncake! I am craving for spicy sticks! I want spicy sticks!

Everyone: We don’t want mooncakes! None of it! They’re horrible!

Chen: Are you sure that you guys don’t want the mooncakes? These mooncakes come from my place! They are special! You will really regret this if you miss out on this opportunity!

God Erlang: No… Thanks! No one will eat such horrible food even if you’re paying us to eat them!

Everyone: No! No!

…..

”This bunch of jokers doesn’t hold back at all huh! I will make you guys regret this!”

Chen raised his eyebrows and tore open the three hundred mooncake packages that he had purchased earlier. He then put close to ten thousand mooncakes into a big Red Envelope.

Sent!

Ding!

[Chen has sent a Red Envelope in the chat group.]

Typically, everyone in the group would have a pair of fast hands. The Red Envelope would definitely be snatched away within a few seconds. However, nobody made a move today! It was understandable, I guess. They had been eating the original flavor mooncake for quite some time. Thus, they were sick of the taste of mooncake. They would not take it from you even you send it to them as a gift. The situation turned awkward when no one snatched the Red Envelope that Chen sent to the group.

”No one will know how delicious is the mooncake if no one snatches the Red Envelope. How am I supposed to act cool in front of them?” Chen frowned.

All of a sudden, someone finally spoke in the group.

Chang’e: Wow! The mooncake that Chen sent in the group tastes so good!” (Three drooling emojis)

God Erlang: Really?

Chang’e: Of course, it’s real! The one that I got is Snow Skin mooncake! It tastes so good! Also, there is fruit inside the mooncake! It is really refreshing and yummy! I like it a lot! Thank you, God Chen!

God Erlang: What?! There are some other ingredients inside the mooncake? Sounds like some kind of gimmick! Let me snatch one and see for myself!

God Erlang: What the f*ck!!!! All the Red Envelopes are gone!!!! (Three shocking emojis)

God Erlang: All of you guys have no credibility at all! You guys said earlier that none of you are going to snatch any mooncake! But, now, all the Red Envelopes are gone! (Angry emoji)

Monkey King: Idiot! When Chang’e was speaking just now, we had already started to snatch it! And, you still stood there like an idiot! Three eyes my *ss, maybe the third one is a substitute for your missing brain!

Sanzang: Amitabha! This Ten Nuts Mooncake is too damn delicious! I felt as if my tongue is being soaked in the holy light itself!

Bull Demon King: My Sour Vegetable Mooncake tastes really good as well! I felt like I was flying in the sky!

Li Bai: The mooncakes that you guys are eating have nothing to compare to my mooncake! My Soaked-In-Oil-Dried-Chili Mooncake is the best among all! The appearance of this mooncake is beyond creative! The spiciness of it can make your mind tingle! I’m practically drooling right now!

Monkey King: I got Peach Mooncake! Hahaha! Too damn delicious!

Qian Liyan: I got Durian Mooncake! It smells bad, but it tastes super delicious! God Chen! I want more! I beg you, give me more Durian Mooncake!!! (Unlimited drooling emojis).

Xiao Tianquan: I got a Ham Mooncake! It tastes so good! God Chen is the best and coolest (Worship)

….

Those who successfully snatched a mooncake started to show off in the group. It was as if all of them had found some kind of legendary treasure! They were all so happy. However, those who failed at snatching a mooncake were really sad. Especially, Yanwang and God Erlang. They were simply crestfallen.

Yanwang: All the low-tier ghost managed to snatch at least one mooncake! Why didn’t I manage to snatch at least one mooncake?! (Crying emoji)

God Erlang: Why didn’t you mention Xiao Tianquan? Even Xiao Tianquan managed to snatch at least one mooncake! I was left empty handed! Xiao Tianquan, give me your mooncake now!

Xiao Tianquan: No!

God Erlang: Damn it! Are you looking for some beating?

Xiao Tianquan: No, no, no! I’m not letting this go!

God Erlang: Damn you, dog! You couldn’t possibly have forgotten what I did for you! Have you forgotten how I fed you and nurtured you into a handsome dog! Now, you refuse to repay me! It’s really sad! (Heartbroken emoji).

Xiao Tianquan: Alright! Alright! Alright! Say no more… I will give it to you. (Sweating emoji)

God Erlang: Well, finally, you’ve done something good!

Xiao Tianquan: Friendly advice; there’s some saliva left on the half-eaten mooncake. I hope you don’t mind!

God Erlang: Get lost! (Knife emoji)

Yanwang: God Chen! I beg you! Please give me a mooncake! I’m filled with tears! I will have my hands and feet on the ground to beg for a mooncake! (Crying emoji).

God Erlang: God Chen! Please! Can you send a few more mooncakes in the group?

Chen: Hehe… Two of you spoke the loudest in the group just now! Both of you thought that my mooncakes sucked! And, now, you want a mooncake! Too late!

Yanwang: God Chen! I know I was at fault! You do know I’m a foodie right? Please, just send me a mooncake. Half a mooncake will do as well! (More crying emojis)

God Erlang: God Chen! Please! All I want is half a mooncake! I really want to eat it! Have pity on me, please!

Chen: It’s useless for both of you deities to beg me! The mooncakes from my place are really special! I have sent out all the mooncakes just now! I don’t have any extra with me! Just wait for next year! (Acting cool emojis)

Translator’s note

1. Qian Liyan- The Chinese God of seas and doorways. He usually appears with Shunfeng’er as a guardian of the temples of the sea goddess Mazu.