My Alleged Husband

Chapter 907: Chapter 830_10

A heart that is not true to itself can never be attained. So what does it matter if I abandon everything? What would I gain by doing so? They don’t care about the thoughts buried deep within me—they only hurt me again and again. Time and time again, I find myself forced into a corner, left with no options, crawling back to beg for forgiveness. This is not the life I want. I have never begged anyone for anything while humbling myself, because I know that begging can never give me what I truly want. Begging leads to no resolution. I should make myself stronger, make sure I never bow to anyone easily.

That’s the life I truly desire. Thinking back to the fleeting moments I shared with my classmates while in school, I feel so happy and warm now. Back then, even when we had disagreements that led to arguments and fights, getting sent to the teacher’s office together for reprimands, even when the school issued notices of criticism—what of it? At least we were happy, carefree, and content. We lived the paths we wanted most to walk. Yet ultimately, every path we walked led us down dead ends. Time and time again, I forgot what kind of ending my inner soul truly desired. I no longer know what I ought to do, nor what kind of ending I want. I’ve forgotten—forgotten the things I’ve wanted most in life.

I’m afraid—afraid that one day I will wake up as nothing but a hollow shell, a soulless creature. How I wish that day would not come, but none of this is truly what I want. I have never attained any of it. Back then, my mind was fractured, more or less. Waiting for the light to turn green at the roadside, at night I’d dishevel my hair without care, slip on my favorite pants and head into the village, streaks of golden light passing through. I’d walk like I was walking a dog, like a prisoner with the clinking of shackles in my bedroom. I watched everyone walk past me like fools.

Back then, I believed I was the smartest person alive. Every decision I made was invisible to others—no one could see through me. But who could know the torment and sorrow deep within my heart? Time and time again, I thought of how I could live a happy and carefree life, yet I never knew where to begin to make everything different. I often felt overshadowed by my classmates’ influence. That was when I wondered if I’d chosen the wrong path, if I should walk the road meant for me instead of blindly following impulses from deep within my heart. But what ending would that bring? No one could predict. And now, I have become who I am today. Perhaps none of this is the outcome I truly desired—but does it matter? There’s no way to change it.

The things I long for are always out of reach, while the things I dread are imposed upon me again and again. It makes my heart ache—all of this pain. I wish none of it would happen the way it does. I wish everything wouldn’t become so unbearably sad and painful. Yet over and over, it crushes me into despair, leaving me with no escape.

As I reminisce about the countless fragments and moments of my life, I find it nearly impossible to comprehend how I survived those agonizing years. Time and time again, I relied solely on my unyielding will, step by step, to become who I am today. Every bit of it came from my own effort. I never really understood what I ought to have done. Every mistake I ever made remains something my inner soul never wished to accept. Still, there was no other way—I knew that only through my own strength, through relentless effort, could I become who I am without ever bowing easily to others. I would make sure that no one could easily look down on me.

Dad, Mom, deep down, you both think so little of me as a son, don’t you? My actions have left you cold. In your hearts, you’ve never truly respected me, not even once. In your world, your son is useless, worthless. You can’t fathom the things I’ve done, and yet do you realize the harm, the pain your actions have brought me? I am afraid, yes—I’ve thought many times of leading a happy and carefree life, but I couldn’t. I can’t forget the ridicule and mockery I once endured. Even if someday I achieve what I’ve always wanted, reach the pinnacle of my life, it will all be proportional to my own effort. I’ve relied on no one—because there’s no one to rely on. My parents have never given me help. How could I expect help when they couldn’t even offer the most basic companionship?

Shutting myself inside my room, I think back to all the moments I’ve lived through. There have been so many. And I realize just how exhausting my life has been. Even now, I can’t understand how I made it through in the first place. Step by painful step, I made it out from beneath the shadow of depression. I fear betrayal from everyone in this world. I fear people hurting me. I fear being forced into a life that is alien to me.