Limitless Evolution As a Snake

That does sound less scary when you put it like that.

[System: And getting through doorways? Forget it. You’re wider than most hallways. You’d get stuck sideways in every door in the casino, wriggling like a worm in a jar, eight heads all screaming different directions.]

Could I still talk, though, right? Like, heads can still talk?

[System: Oh mate, don’t even. That’s the real reason I’m telling you no on this one.]

Why.

[System: Cause you’d never shut up. Eight mouths, all yours, all running at the same time. You already talk enough with one head. Give you eight, and you’d be out here doing eight different bits simultaneously, arguing with yourself, agreeing with yourself, probably starting beef with one of your own heads over who gets to bite first.]

That’s... actually a fair point.

[System: ’Course it is. I’m always fair. Occasionally right

too, don’t get used to it.]

I look at the picture one more time. Scary from the neck up, absolute joke from the neck down. It’s wild to think I started out smaller than one of those heads. Now I’m looking at becoming a fat snake sausage dragging eight furious little dragons around behind it like balloons on a very angry string.

Kinda love it though. Not gonna lie. Anyway, what do I actually get with this one? Like, skill-wise.

[System: Two evolution skills come bundled in, yeah.]

What are they?

[System: Not telling.]

Huh? What the hell, why?

[System: Nuh. Secret till you unlock it; that’s the rule.]

Give me a hint at least. Body parts? Is it like a body part thing? That has never been a rule, by the way; you made that up.

[System: ...sure. Let’s go with that.]

Wait really?

[System: Nah.]

Then what is it, old mate?

[System: It’s eight dicks.]

What.

[System: Eight dicks, mate. One for each head. You’d be an absolute menace at parties.]

That’s not a real skill. Every alarm bell from every hentai I’d ever watched was screaming at once. Eight dicks? That wasn’t a skill; that was a genre tag.

[System: ’Course it’s not, I’m messing with you. Nah, could you imagine though? Eight heads all trying to flirt with the same girl at once, all eight bodies going for it downstairs too, absolute logistical nightmare. Chaos, ten out of ten content though, not gonna lie.]

I don’t even know why I keep asking you things.

[System: Cause deep down you love the banter. Anyway, no, not telling you the actual skills; that’s the whole fun of it. You unlock the form, you find out what’s inside. Same as always.]

That’s such a scummy way to run a system.

[System: Yeah, I get that a lot. Anyway, do you want option two or are you still fantasising about the eight-dick future.]

Shut up, and get that a lot from WHO? Whatever, just show me option two.

[System: Oath, I have friends fuck you, dog cunt, anyways right, yeah, will do. Just uh. Gimme a sec.]

Why do you need a sec?

[System: I’m trying to figure out how to frame this one.]

That’s not reassuring either.

[System: Yeah, I know, I know. Okay so. You know how option one was weird, but it was like, structurally coherent weird? Like you could draw it on a napkin and someone would go Oh yeah, that’s a thing.]

Sure.

[System: Option two is not napkin weird. Option two is more like. You’d draw it on the napkin and then the person you showed it to would fold the napkin up very carefully and put it in their pocket and never mention it again.]

Just show me.

[System: Calm your farm; I’m showing you, I’m showing you. Just wanted to mentally prepare you first.]

I don’t need to be mentally prepared; I’m a snake. I live in a sewer; I have seen things. I conveniently forget that one of the things I’ve ’seen’ was my own reflection in a puddle, which made me recoil so hard I fell into the sludge, but he doesn’t need to be reminded of that.

[System: Mate, you have not seen this.]

Old Mate.

[System: Alright. Fine, but I want it on the record that I tried.]

Noted. I agree but show me.

[System: You’ll see. Okay, are you ready? Brace for impact.]

The panel flickers. Loads slow. Way slower than the last one.

Like even the system is giving me a moment.

The picture resolves and my gaze locks onto it.

[System: ...so?]

That’s.

[System: Mm.]

That’s a woman’s face.

[System: Technically the manual says ”transcendent feminine feature” but yeah, nah, that’s a woman’s face. On a snake, you’re a snake. You, specifically, would have that face, sorry hahahahaha it’s a joke. That’s not the next one hahaha the look on your FACE.]

Really, truly, it’s not the next one?

[System: Nup, it was just the next one hadn’t loaded yet, and I had made this one earlier out of boredom.]

Do you have a defibrillator? I think I need one. Pretty sure my last heart just gave out again. Round two.

[System: Nah, joking. Real one loading now, for real this time. Pinky promise.]

The panel flickers again, and this time it actually loads into something that isn’t going to give me a heart attack, i look at it.

Big and chunky. Armoured like someone bolted a tank onto a snake and then forgot to add legs because why would you need legs when you’re basically a scaly bunker. Thick jagged plates instead of my nice sleek scales. And the eyes and belly just glowing this deep neon red, like someone stuck a lava lamp inside my guts.

Okay.

Okay, that’s actually sick.

I mean. That’s not a snake. That’s what happens when a snake files a noise complaint against god and god takes it personally. I could sneeze, and a structural engineer somewhere would start crying and not know why. I could headbutt a wall, and the wall would just quietly hand me its keys.