The Royal Military Academy's Impostor Owns a Dungeon [BL]

”Those lying, stinking, dress-stealing illusionists!”

BAM!

Everyone jumped when Princess Kira practically karate-chopped a rock in half with her bare hands. Ollie bounced so hard he nearly launched out of his boots, the ground vibrating in sympathy with her rage.

Originally, they had brought her to the medical bay, thinking she would calm down and maybe, just maybe, stop trying to commit geological homicide.

But apparently, the scent of antiseptic and sterile walls was something she absolutely could not tolerate today.

And so that was how they ended up outside instead.

Where she could chop whatever she deemed choppable.

BAM!

Another rock split cleanly in half, and Luca had to yank Ollie backward before the blonde accidentally donated his limbs to the debris field.

”Of. All. Things!”

BANG!

This time something did not just break. It disintegrated.

Pebbles flew. Dust puffed. Jax shielded his face. Kyle sighed.

And Princess Kira looked around only to realize every single target within reach had already been obliterated.

The others noticed too. A dangerous silence fell.

This was Luca’s chance. Maybe.

”Your Highness,” Luca said gently, inching forward like someone approaching a volatile volcanic deity, ”I’m not sure if this will help, but... when I had concerns, talking to you and the others helped a lot. So maybe... talking might help too...?”

He did not move too fast.

He had learned to value his life.

Especially because Princess Kira had resorted to picking up the boulders she had already split, as if preparing to hurl them into orbit.

But when she saw Luca approaching—small, sincere, glowing like a comforting lamp—her grip loosened.

The boulder thudded to the ground. The ground trembled.

Then, instead of hunting for her next victim, the furious orc princess simply sat down atop the ruined stone like a defeated dragon.

”I just don’t get it! This level of betrayal?” she hollered, tugging her hair like it had personally wronged her. ”Those rebels actually teamed up with those shapeshifting soap bars?!”

Luca blinked.

Ollie blinked.

”...?”

Neither knew what to say. But apparently talking it out was easier said than done when they weren’t particularly sure how to open a perilous conversation.

Fortunately—or unfortunately—someone else chimed in.

”Host!” D-29’s enthusiastic voice prompted before the concerned sworn brothers, ”I believe it would be best to follow this guide about comforting friends 101.”

Luca’s eyebrows twitched hopefully at the very timely miracle. Because while he could now confidently say he had friends—and had even received an overwhelming amount of love and comfort from them—he wasn’t confident about being able to provide the same level of comfort to others.

Especially when faced with someone this angry, this frustrated, and strong enough to cause minor quakes with her bare hands.

”A guide about comforting... friends?”

”Yes! Please follow accordingly:

Step 1: Find a comfortable position.

Step 2: Find a snack.

Step 3: Find out what the problem is.

Step 4: Find out if there is a body.

Step 5: If there is a body, please be prudent about dealing with it before proceeding to the next step.

Step 6: If there is no body, then you may proceed to asking and listening to how they’re feeling.

Step 7: Validate their feelings and express your concern.

Step 8: Ask what you can do to help. Depending on the answer, consider preparing bail.

Step 9: If it still doesn’t work, consider repeating all the steps, but louder.”

Luca reread the list twice.

Ollie peered over his shoulder.

”...Brother, I think it would work,” Ollie whispered. ”Because the snack alone would definitely help.”

So the little group followed the instructions exactly.

They helped Princess Kira sit comfortably by choosing to sit on similar rocks.

They provided snacks. Lots of snacks.

Then they asked what the problem was.

It was just that by the end of it all, who would’ve thought that all of them would end up needing a bit of comfort?

__

A sharp whirring gasp resonated amidst the crowd.

”Nooooo!” D-29 wailed, equal parts horror and glee. ”Oh no, they didn’t?!”

The dramatic mechanical shriek was so intense that the blonde—who was in the middle of stuffing his cheeks with another bite of his wrap—froze mid-chew. His jaw hung open. His hand stopped. The wrap sagged tragically, barely held upright by two limp fingers.

But it would be difficult to fault the little system for reacting like that, because even Ollie thought the dramatic gasps and shrill distress from the heavily invested D-29 were perfectly appropriate for the story Princess Kira was sharing about.

So what could have been so scandalous that it actually slowed down Ollie’s snacking speed?

Well.

After much consideration, maybe they really needed to do an extensive cleanup of all those historical texts and interpretations. Because, sure enough, the long-standing battle between the elves and the orcs wasn’t really about one massive land dispute.

No.

In fact, it was about a union that had gone terribly, catastrophically wrong.

__

The following events actually started out with a harmless question.

”Uhm... Princess Kira, are the orcs looking to get back the Grimorae Veil Galaxy?” Luca asked softly, wondering if they could maybe negotiate something. Maybe if they knew what the orcs wanted, the enmity between both sides could finally be reduced.

But the little chipmunk nearly choked on his own tongue when Princess Kira burst out laughing so loudly the trees rustled, then immediately snarled like a rabid dog someone had stepped on.

”HA! The Grimorae Veil Galaxy? Why would we want that back? They could eat those rocks for all we care!”

”!”

Huh?

”So, Your Highness... you mean to say you don’t actually want that back? But wasn’t that the whole reason for the battle between the elves and the orcs?” Luca tried again, now visibly confused.

”BAH! If it had just been a land dispute or even an act of terrorism, then we would’ve just gotten even,” Princess Kira snapped. ”We could have fought it out, burned some forests, crushed some buildings, yelled at each other, and then we wouldn’t care whether they lived or died afterward! But no!”

She jabbed a finger at the sky like it had personally offended her.

”It is so much more than that. Because, to begin with, that galaxy was just a wedding gift!”

”!!!”