The Royal Military Academy's Impostor Owns a Dungeon [BL]

A disaster, really.

Because if anyone were to ask the scandalized little wife right now—whose eyes were nearly falling out of their sockets—then they would’ve heard him screeching about disasters and tragedies.

All because of an unfortunate discovery.

Oysters, lobsters, crabs, and fatty fish...

Nuts, berries, cherries, apples, avocados, grapes, and watermelon...

And worse, even hot peppers?!

”A-all of these? Elders... are you saying that all of these are good for virility?” Luca gawked as he tried confirming with them once again.

”Well, ideally yes, there’s also broccoli, asparagus, beets, carrots, and oh, spinach!”

”SPINACH?! Elder Wei, are you saying even spinach is a problem?!” Luca asked as if he were ready to cry.

The elders looked at one another, and then back at the bed, where the poor prince lay, buried in pillows like he’d fought for his life.

Ah, such a tragic concession for their Young Lord who had always prioritized everyone else’s welfare!

Therefore, they could somehow understand why Luca was facing such a dilemma, after all, that Spinach Frittata had been to die for, so to come to the conclusion that he may have to avoid eating that and more would definitely be devastating.

”Lord Luca, perhaps you can skip just a few of the items. Maybe have the consolation of eating spinach frittata once a week,” said Elder Feng in the most comforting way he could muster. At times like this, even he was sensitive enough to understand how tragic this news must be for such a vigorous young man who loved to eat.

Elder Shen added kindly, ”Or we could plant other fruits you can safely eat. It must be difficult for someone as... energetic as you to avoid all of these.”

It was an attempt at consolation, but instead of succeeding, the elders wondered strangely about his next words.

Luca’s lower lip quivered. ”There’s so m-many... I-if so, then is that why he’s like that?!”

The elders stiffened.

Oh no! Maybe their Lord had no idea and ended up similarly surprised by his own prowess!

But then the little chipmunk, whose imaginary tail flopped down, suddenly said, ”But elders, how come you’re telling me to avoid all of those?! Shouldn’t it be my husband who should be avoiding all of them?!”

Gasp!

Elder Pao Xi placed a shocked hand over his mouth. ”Avoid them, Lord Luca? Never! He absolutely must have all of them!”

”!”

The accidental triplets started nodding rapidly.

”Of course, it’s because he needs them! How could Lord Xavier possibly last until the end without them?!”

”Exactly! Not making it all the way definitely calls for an intervention!” chimed in another elder with theatrical worry.

Elder Wei delivered the final, crushing blow: ”If anything, the problem with his back should be dealt with! So, of course, by all accounts, Lord Xavier must definitely need all of those things!”

But surprisingly, that same back—having survived colossal monsters, a rampage, and even a bedroom session—was now taking damage just from this conversation.

Maybe it was a blessing that they were all too absorbed in their crisis to notice the faint tremor of the bed—where the accidental eavesdropper was doing his absolute best not to cough up blood after being struck by every single stray bullet of their conversation.

But if he could peer into their minds he would understand just why they were so preoccupied.

The elders who at times apparently shared one brain cell, came to the conclusion that if this couple enjoyed overwhelming dominance then who were they to judge?

In the end the elders silently and collectively decided that they would just take on the duty to support this robust, yet slightly imbalanced coupling while giving Xavier credit for being a truly dedicated partner and cultivator.

After all, it’s always been part of dual cultivation. Selflessness and flexibility. Literally and figuratively.

”Lord Luca, there should be herbs aside from the stamina pills...”

The conversation had already reached fever pitch as they began debating dosage and frequency—until a deep, very familiar voice cut through the air.

”Ah,” Xavier said coolly, ”so those would be effective?”

The elders froze.

Luca froze.

Even the air seemed to freeze.

Xavier, now very much awake and smiling too much from the bed, looked like a man one bad word away from popping a nerve.

His tone was polite. Too polite. The kind of polite that muttered curses to generations of family members.

But the elders, bless their souls, began sweating for an absolutely different reason.

Luca, however, only gasped in relief. ”Xavier! You’re awake!”

Before the prince could say another word, the little guide had flung himself forward, hugging him tightly. The elders all jolted at once, horrified.

”Careful! His back!” Elder Wei yelped.

Xavier’s eye twitched.

The prince heaved an exasperated sigh, closing his eyes briefly before ending up with a knowing smile. ”I see,” he said dryly. ”About this diet... why don’t you tell me more?”

”!!!”

”Oh! Yes, yes, of course!” the elders chorused, happy to comply.

Meanwhile, the little chipmunk had turned into a little stone fountain in confusion and mortification as Xavier—apparently the devil himself—was calmly nodding along as if taking notes.

”Yes, I see,” he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. ”That’s... useful information. Please make sure all of these are prepared later.”

The elders, encouraged, nodded enthusiastically.

”It will be done!”

Then, after offering solemn blessings for their ”spiritual union,” they finally took their leave, muttering about how devoted young couples were these days.

The door closed. Silence fell.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Luca popped, all red and pleading for Xavier not to keep on eating spinach!

But the prince who found Luca very cute wanted to tease him a bit. Also because his pride did take a hit and wanted to know how to do better next time since his review clearly wasn’t stellar this time.

So he asks, ”So, wife, by any chance, were you left unsatisfied earlier? And about doing it ’all the way’, did you perhaps want to—”

”!!!”

Luca was obviously surprised because he was seriously satisfied.

But there’s just one thing... so he practically screamed it.

”C-cuddle!”

”?”

Xavier was taken aback and Luca thought his answer didn’t clarify things so he added in a rush.

”I’m very satisfied! Too satisfied! B-but there’s always a cuddle after! Even if we’re tired, we’d cuddle! There would be kisses, and hugs, a-and we’d sleep next to each other!” Luca was practically word-vomiting in embarrassment.

But it was really something that he’d gotten so used to because his husband always did it.

Kisses all over his face, and the way Xavier would massage his body a bit before sleeping.

When he managed to stay awake, his husband would listen to him talking about his day and a few interesting things he managed to discover.

But even on days when he was so exhausted, especially before he had started training more, it still happened.

He’d always be cleaned up and prepared for bed. And sometimes when he regains consciousness while being doted on, he’d usually wake up in his husband’s arms.

And the little wife loved all of it.

But the prince just stared.

Luca panicked even more. ”I mean—there should be cuddles! That’s all!”

The silence that followed was so heavy that the ball of nerves wanted to evaporate.

Then, suddenly, Xavier moved.

He reached out, cupped Luca’s face gently, and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. His thumb brushed beneath Luca’s eye, wiping the nervous tears that had gathered there.

”Yes,” he murmured. ”You’re right. I really didn’t last until the end.”

”Eh?”

”Because there really should always be cuddles,” Xavier said softly. ”I’m sorry. I promise to do better next time.”

Then, before Luca could process what that meant, the prince leaned forward and kissed him.

It was gentle, warm, and devastatingly sincere.

And when he pulled away, his voice dropped to a low whisper near Luca’s ear.

It was Luca’s turn to be dumbfounded, but he flailed and nearly passed out when he heard Xavier mutter into his ear, ”Don’t worry, I will train harder and eat better to make sure I’ll always last to the end next time.”

”!!!”

What?

Then won’t it be him who wouldn’t last long?!

Wait!

No! Oh no!

And that was how the poor little guide was cuddled to sweet death for the rest of the night.