Rising Shards

Stella waited for us in the kitchen. I could tell she was nervous, anticipating if this was a ‘console little sister’ kind of night.

“I made us some hot chocolate,” Stella said, placing some steaming mugs onto the kitchen table. “Everything all…all good out there?”

“Yeah, I was feeling really mopey but I’m a lot better now,” I said. “Dr. Diast really helped out.”

“Ahh, it was nothing.” Diast said. “Sometimes you just need to talk it out, you know?”

“Don’t I know it.” Stella said.

“But like, Dr. Diast is really great at talking it out, just so you know, Stella.” I said.

”Aren’t we lucky to have her?” Stella said, which made Diast grin.

We each took a hot chocolate and brought it to the living room.

“I was…feeling, I dunno. Still kind of am.” I said. “Just kind of bad about trans. I think that’s a kind of dysphoria. Right? But Dr. Diast set me straight. Well, not straight, heh. Get it? Because…”

“Uh huh, we got it,” Stella rolled her eyes. “Why were you feeling bad about trans stuff?”

“Well, OK, I wasn’t feeling bad about being trans. I was just having bad feelings. There’s a new girl who’s trans and she…the way she talked about it; I don’t know. It hit me in a weird way. She made me feel like I wasn’t thinking about my transition enough. Like I was ignoring me. Not on purpose, she doesn’t seem mean, it just had that reaction with me. I was feeling all guilty but also dysphoric and weird and sad. So I was doing laps in the snow out there working out my upset tummy. It was maybe mostly from some um, beast tendency badness lingering.  And then Diast helped me work it out! There are a lot of different paths to be trans, so I’m not wrong for the way I did it.”

“Damn straight.” Stella said. “I’ll remind you of that every day if you need it. That…kind of came out as a threat.”

“It’s OK,” I said. “The pit in my stomach’s still kinda there, but I feel a lot better already.”

Before I could really process it, my eyes welled up. I could tell Stella read whatever contorted expression I was making better than I could, but it wasn’t a sad thought. I was just overwhelmed because it hit me in that moment how lucky I was to have Stella raising me, who was so supportive and there for me with my trans stuff. Who pushed me to make the steps to be me. I knew there were people who weren’t raised by Stellas. I almost wasn’t, and who knows how things would have ended up if my biological parents raised me instead of Stella. I rushed over to her and gave her a clamping, shuddering hug, one she reciprocated. She thankfully didn’t tease me for all the muttering ”I love you”s and ”thank you”s I whispered to her.

“Just take it easy tonight,” Stella said.

After a nice hot chocolate and TV watching session, I excused myself to my basement den.

I decided to paint my toenails and called up Oka while I waited for them to dry.

“Hi, my Starlight Boo!” Oka said.

“Hi Oka!” I said. “How are you feeling with those new meds?”

“I’m feeling a bit schleepy, if I’m honest.” Oka said. She sounded about three quarters aschleep.

“Your voice sounds super groggy.” I said.

“Yeppers,” Oka said. “When I blink, my eyelids like hold a little too long and I’m a little gloopy, less loopy, but I’m chill.” She giggled. “Some of my words are coming out a bit weird but it’s all good. And how are you on this fine evening?”

“I’m just painting my nails, thinking about ya,” I said. “I had kind of a rough night, actually.”

“How come?” Oka asked.

“I feel like I emotionally got beat up by dysphoria and weird guilty feelings.” I said. “I got kinda upset tummy real bad and am at the apartment right now.”

“Oh no,” Oka said. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I talked to Dr. Diast about it, actually,” I said. 

I explained the gist of what I was going through and what I talked about with Diast.

“Awwww,” Oka said. “Well, if you need some encouragement on how much of a girl you are, I will stay up all night listing the reasons from my own personal observations. I may need more than a night to get through them, though.”

“You don’t have to,” I smiled. “But I appreciate it, though.”

“I hope that pit in your tummy goes away,” Oka said. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt dysphoria, but I could see it messing up the guts, you know?”

“Yeah…” I said.

“And then for those Marmalade worries, I’m sure she’s just happy to have a friend similar to her.” Oka said. “I don’t think she’d be mad your transition is different than hers. All transitions are different, right?”

“That’s true!” I said.

“And if it helps, too,” Oka said. “I always think it’s super awesome that you’re trans.”

“You do?”

“Uh huh,” Oka said. “You’ve been on a journey your whole life, pushing forward towards your truest self. It’s like you climbed a huge, unscalable mountain, with the treasure on top being you feeling right with yourself. It’s brave, it’s fantastic, courageous, it’s just…really cool!”

“That means so much hearing that,” I said. “Especially from someone brave, fantastic, and courageous like you.”

“Aww, me? I’m not really…”

“Shush, you went through Tesata.” I said.

“True, true…” Oka yawned. ”I can’t wait for our date tomorrow.”

”Me either,” I said wistfully. ”Hey, wait.”

”Hey, so when, uh date? We have?” Oka said.

”Honey, are the pills hitting you a bit more?” I asked.

”Why do you ask?” Oka said.

”Because you just sleepily said our date is tomorrow then asked when our date is.” I said.

”...did I?”

”Yes! You just did like a second ago!” I said.

Oka snorted. ”I seriously don’t remember.”

”Maybe it’s time you get some sleep,” I said. ”Some schleep.”

”Noooo,” Oka whined. ”I need girlfriend time to talk to girlfriend more.”

”Alright, but if you get really sleepy we gotta call it a night, alright?” I said.

I thought I heard her snoring on the other line for a second. ”Babe. Starlight boo. Zeta.”

”Yes?” I asked.

I think Oka tried to say ”I love you” but it came out like ”ahhhlubbbououuuu....”

”Awwww,” I said. ”Ahhhlubbbououuuu tooooooooo.”

”I can’t wait for our date tomorrow.” Oka said once she’d finished laughing to herself. ”But I think I’m going to take your advice and call it a date for tomorrow.”

I laughed. ”So you’re going to bed then?” I assumed that was what she meant.

”I don’t wanna,” Oka said. I could hear her pouting which was super cute. ”I wanna stay up all night.” She sniffed. ”And talk to you. All night.”

”I wouldn’t be opposed,” I said. ”But I don’t think you’re gonna be able to stay awake much longer.”

”Truuuue,” Oka said. ”But guess what?”

”What?” I asked.

”You’re amazing,” Oka said. ”And OK, one more before sleep. Before I uh. Sleep.”

”Uh huh?”

”I never want you to feel bad about trans stuff again. Got it?”

”Yeah,” I croaked out.

”Good, that’s an order.” Oka said. She fell asleep like within a minute of saying that, but as I wiped my eyes, I vowed she was getting a huge hug for what she just did for me, even if she didn’t remember what she said as she was all schleepy from adjusting to her pills.