Rising Shards

I fidgeted with my hair as I waited in the nurses’ office. I was in the area where those of us who had pills that had to be given to us by staff had a private little nook to hang out. Despite the magazines nearby (which had a better selection than the usual bizarre lineup at the school) and a TV, I always got a little nervous waiting for them to bring my pill back. It had only been a few months of taking the pills, the ones I started right after my fangs came in. I only had to go in once a month, which both helped and also made me a little more jittery each session.

I wasn’t sure if they scheduled our sessions together or if we were just cosmically drawn together, but I always seemed to be around at least a few other trans kids when I got my pill. Maybe they wanted us to network? I didn’t really talk to any of them (though I did get a tad envious of some of the really cute trans girls sometimes), but I would say some of my closest guy acquaintances from Falling Shards outside of Syval were the transmasc boys who I’d wave slightly to and get a slight nod back from. There were a few nonbinary students that dropped in as well, all of us sharing a kind of unspoken kinship. Even though we never talked to each other, I liked the idea of us being like ships sailing across the gender spectrum sea in different directions.

When one of the boys arrived this time, he wasn’t alone, sharing some small talk with one of the new girls. It was Marmalade, who grinned my way. Even though I hadn’t had the look given to me so happily before, I knew it well; she was giving the “I know, me too,” look. It was a common one among us trans kids who ended up getting our various pills and shots at the same time. Marmalade sat down at the chair next to me and started reading a magazine as we waited.

Finally, one of the nurses came out holding a tray with little paper cups on it. They always asked if us pill takers needed some privacy, gesturing to the curtains that could be pulled around each chair, but I wasn’t feeling like I needed them at the moment. I got two of the cups, one with water and one with a big teal pill in it.

“Ohh, you get that pill. Lucky.” Marmalade said, losing interest in her magazine almost immediately. She immediately winced. “Oh, dude. Sorry. You just super flinched right now. Right after I was being super intrusive, sorry.”

“You’re fine,” I said. “Here, one second…” I quickly took the pill. It was massively intimidating to gulp down the first time, but I was getting a little better each go round, especially after seeing that my side effects were minimal, and the intended effects were exactly what I was hoping for. And that the big effects of the medications happened months earlier, and now was just keeping them stable and teaching my body to remember the settings, so to speak. Maybe talking over my worry thoughts—will the body regulating pill make me literally explode? My favorite health related website What’s Wrong With My Body? (3WMB) told me it was possible—would make them diluted at least a bit. While I got scared waiting for a nurse, I got even more nervous when I had to sit for a minute or so after I took my medication, so I was torn between letting the conversation immediately end in silence so I could be left alone to my worrying, or if it might be better to talk to someone.

“I um,” I said. “I assume you take…you’re…like me?” While I was fine talking about it with my close friends, and even though I’d shared the knowing look with Marmalade just then, that didn’t mean I was great at communication. I still remembered my training from Stella, though, and held my hand out. “I’m Zeta.”

“Marmalade.” She said after shaking my hand. “And yeah, I’m trans.”

“Do you take these too?” I asked.

“No, I get the shot still,” Marmalade said. “You lucked out, I didn’t take to the teals when they tried.”

“Oh…” I said. I read it was possible on 3WMB for some trans Cani to not take to the kind of pill I was on. That meant Marmalade was maybe on a similar treatment for her transition that I was before my fangs came in, one closer to the kind many Echela were on. Now of course there are many paths to transition, and it’s totally normal and fine to not medically transition even, but I felt a twinge of something in my tummy about what Marmalade said about my medication that I couldn’t fully register at the moment. “Sorry.”

“Oh, no, don’t be sorry,” Marmalade said. “I’m the one peeking at your pills, I should be apologizing some more. My fangs just came in, so don’t worry. Even if the teals don’t work out, I’ll just keep going the way I’m going. It’s all good.”

Another nurse came out with a cart. I wasn’t trying to stare, but the nurse had some shots with her, likely the same or very similar to the ones I was taking before my fangs came in.

“We do want to get the curtains up for shots, I hope that isn’t an issue,” the nurse said to Marmalade.

“Totally fine,” Marmalade flashed me a peace sign. “Trade war stories later?”

“Sure.” I said.

Since I had made it through my minute or so post pill without any bad side effects (I was at the point where the only immediate reaction were goosebumps going up my arms), I was free to go and off to another month continuing my streak of being my truest self.

Whenever my trans sessions were done, I was a little buzzy. All the pent-up jittering never completely left my body by the time I was finished, and I had to be up pretty early for them, so it was just kind of a moody and surreal feeling. For the most part, very good moody though. After I had breakfast by myself, I got a text from Kalei and remembered we planned out something before class.

“zates u ready for operation new roommate my dude”