After Rebirth, I Became My Ex's Aunt-in-Law

Sweet, bubbly, hopelessly chatty Jade.

Aria groaned, burying her face in her hands.

She couldn’t have Richard knock her out. It would be a massive stain on her karma to concuss such a sweet and innocent person.

But Aria couldn’t just walk out there and reason with her, either. Jade was a human megaphone.

However, Aria desperately needed that faded blue hospital gown. Her eyes slowly drifted from Jade to her driver sitting in the front seat.

Richard was terrifyingly stoic and built like a brick wall. But he wasn’t a bad-looking guy. In fact, he had that exact, rugged, ’I will ruin your life but protect you from everyone else’ energy that girls with unresolved daddy issues absolutely swarmed to.

A smile spread across Aria’s face. She leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

Richard turned around in the driver’s seat, his face a mask of professional neutrality. ”Mrs. Sinclair?”

Aria offered him a bright, sweet smile. ”Richard, can I ask you for a massive favor?”

”I am paid by your husband to execute any and all directives you require, Mrs. Sinclair.”

”Awesome,” Aria beamed, taking off her sneakers. ”I need you to be a honeypot.”

Richard’s eyebrows knitted together in a fraction of confusion. ”...A honeypot, ma’am?”

”Yes,” Aria nodded eagerly, pointing out the window at the sedan. ”I need you to go over to that girl struggling with the wheelchair. I need you to channel your inner flirty bachelor. Distract her. Charm her. Keep her completely occupied so I can sneak into the backseat of that car.”

Richard looked out the window at Jade. He looked back at Aria. He didn’t offer a single complaint, argument, or question regarding the command.

”Understood,” Richard deadpanned.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the SUV.

Richard approached the trunk of the sedan. His deep voice drifted faintly over. Aria watched as he effortlessly took the metal wheelchair from Jade’s struggling grip and folded it with one hand, stowing it in the trunk.

Jade jumped slightly, startled by the massive man, but within ten seconds, she was throwing her head back in a bright, bubbly laugh, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

Aria’s brows shot up toward her hairline. She chewed aggressively on her thumbnail, genuinely impressed.

’Okay, rizz,’ Aria muttered to herself, nodding slowly. ’He’s actually a charmer. Who knew?’

Jade was currently doing all of the talking, her hands waving animatedly as she smiled up at the stoic giant. Aria had her hand resting on the door handle of the SUV, waiting for the perfect, distraction-heavy blind spot to make her move.

Her mission was simple: sneak in, get the gown, and head out.

”Come on, Richard,” Aria whispered to the glass. ”Give me a good distraction. Step it up.”

As if he were wired directly to her brain, Richard moved.

He reached out, his hands gently but firmly cupping Jade’s face, and kissed her.

Jade went perfectly rigid with shock for exactly one second before she completely melted against the trunk of the car, kissing him right back, her hands flying up to grip the lapels of his dark suit.

Aria’s jaw dropped. ’Yep, that is a fantastic distraction.’

Aria quietly popped the SUV door open and slipped out into the freezing garage. She tip-toed across the cold concrete like a highly-trained ninja.

She reached the rear passenger door of the sedan.

As she gripped the handle, Richard pulled back slightly from the kiss.

”Should we fuck right here over the hood?” Richard’s deep voice echoed through the quiet garage.

”W-What?!” Jade stuttered, completely breathless and entirely flushed. ”We can’t just—”

Richard silenced her protests by crashing his mouth back down onto hers, completely pinning her against the metal.

Aria shook her head, wishing she hadn’t heard that.

She popped the car door open, easing it wide just enough to slip inside without engaging the interior dome light, and pulled it shut until it rested softly against the latch.

It was cramped in the backseat. The elderly woman was slumped against the opposite window, fast asleep. But the sleep wasn’t peaceful. Her breathing was a harsh, wet, labored rattle, and her frail face was pinched tight in a grimace of obvious pain.

A sudden wave of guilt punched Aria right in the chest. She was literally about to mug a sick grandmother in a parking garage. It was a new low, even for her.

”Okay, fine,” Aria muttered softly, shifting onto her knees on the leather seat. ”Karmic balancing.”

She reached out, gently taking the elderly woman’s frail, cold wrist. Using the pads of her thumbs, Aria applied firm, targeted pressure to the Neiguan and Shenmen acupressure points. She moved her other hand to the woman’s chest, lightly stimulating the Danzhong meridian to open the airways and calm the stagnant, panicked Qi.

Almost instantly, the harsh rattling in the woman’s chest smoothed out. The deep, pained lines around her mouth vanished, her entire body slumping backward into a truly peaceful, deep slumber.

”Alright, Grandma,” Aria whispered, grabbing the hem of the hospital gown. ”I paid up front. Now it’s time for you to deliver.”

Aria grabbed the fabric and pulled.

It did not budge.

The woman was sitting on the back of the gown. Aria had to wrestle with the dead-weight of the sleeping senior citizen, awkwardly twisting and rolling her while trying not to accidentally elbow her in the face in the cramped, dark space of the backseat.

”Come on,” Aria grunted, yanking the sleeves down the woman’s frail arms.

With one final, desperate heave, Aria pulled the gown entirely over the woman’s head.

Aria paused, panting, clutching her prize.

She looked down to make sure she hadn’t disturbed the woman’s sleep.

The woman was completely, horrifyingly naked underneath.

The woman’s bare, incredibly long, shriveled breasts were draped limply over her stomach, resting like two deflated balloons against her fragile ribcage.

Aria froze.

The reality of human aging hit Aria like a flashbang. She stared at the sagging flesh, an intense, terrifying existential crisis violently taking root in her brain.

’Oh my god,’ Aria panicked internally, her hands flying up to cover her mouth. ’Is that going to happen to my tits?!”

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to burn the image out of her retinas. ’I am going to need so much therapy! I am going to have nightmares about this for weeks!’ She needed to leave before Richard and Jade escalated their make-out session to the actual hood of the car.

But she looked back down at the cold, exposed elderly woman. Aria simply couldn’t leave her like this. She wasn’t a monster.

Moving with frantic speed, Aria stripped off her oversized, black hoodie. She shimmied out of her baggy grey sweatpants, leaving the wad of cash shoved deep into the pocket as additional compensation for the trauma she was causing.

Aria carefully wrestled the sleeping grandmother into the soft sweatpants and pulled the warm hoodie over her head.

Aria was now sitting in the backseat of the sedan wearing absolutely nothing but her tiny black silk camisole and boxer shorts.

”Fair trade,” Aria whispered, clutching the hospital gown to her chest.

She carefully pushed the car door open, slipped out into the freezing garage, and quietly shut the door until it clicked.

Aria scurried across the concrete like a half-naked goblin.

She dove into the backseat of the SUV, closing the door shut.

She lay there for a second, her chest heaving, clutching the blue hospital fabric as if it were spun from solid gold.

Aria peered over the edge of the tinted window.

Richard was still making out with Jade against the trunk of the sedan, completely lost in the sauce.

Aria let out a long exhale, a grin of pure victory spreading across her face.

She had actually done it.