Getting Warhammered [WH 40k Fanfic]

Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium, celebrated patriot, exemplar of Commissars everywhere, was considering whether he should have just stayed a tunnel rat in the bellows of the Hive City that birthed him. 

It would have been a horrible life, and he likely would have died many, many decades ago from some sickness or getting shanked for a scrap of food by another homeless vagrant … but then he wouldn’t have to be here. 

There was no escape either, not when Amberley stood on one side, and a member of the Adeptus Custodes on the other. They weren’t keeping him hostage, or anything of the sort, but he just knew his life would go to hell faster than he could make a prayer to the Emperor if he didn’t go along with either of the two’s requests. You did not disappoint an Inquisitor, and much less one of the Emperor’s Ten Thousand. You just didn’t. 

Still. They were leading him right back to that horrifying woman, whom he had just barely managed to escape with his pants unsoiled. Worse, according to the Custodian, she barely showed him and Amberley a fragment of her true power. 

He was in over his head, more than ever before. He had led wars, fended off many a superior foe with paltry tools at his disposal. He had been the one to facilitate negotiations between the Tau Empire and the Imperium once, even … which had come back to bite him in the arse with a terrible vengeance because apparently that horrifying woman had thrown her lot in with the Tau.

So what was he doing here? Well, the same as before: trying to negotiate a peace with the Tau, at the command of one Octavian Gaius. But he would have a secondary objective: establishing contact with the Psyker called ‘Echidna’, if possible. Apparently, the last time she’d met Lord Octavian, the two beat each other into a bloody pulp, so the man himself was staying behind so as not to sully their chances of establishing peaceful contact. 

The silver lining was that he had Amberley to accompany him on this mission, which was always welcome. She was like a balm to his weary soul … and it didn’t hurt that she was also very good at distracting him from his impending, likely demise at the hand of a vindictive super psyker. 

“I would recommend not taking the Pariah along with you for the negotiations,” Lord Octavian stated, tearing away one of the last comforts Cain thought he had with casual ease. He would have to meet a super-psyker without Jürgen? Oh, hell no. He might as well strip naked and tie himself up like a poultry and then mail himself over for execution at that point. “Psykers tend to take the presence of Pariahs in their vicinity as an existential threat, and your meeting with her shows that she wasn’t inconvenienced by the Gunner’s presence enough for the risk to be worth it anyways.”

“It would likely protect our thoughts from being invaded at least,” Amberley offered conversationally, managing to make the implied question sound curious rather than questioning the ‘recommendation’ of the Custodian. “She might be able to find out about your involvement before we can establish any kind of peaceful contact without Jurgen’s ability to protect us.”

“She did not seem to be offended by his presence the last time,” Cain said, then felt like a moron immediately after as his brain caught up with him, which consequently put a grimace on his face.

“Her nonchalance was an unspoken threat aimed your way; she was the one to approach the Pariah, on her terms,” Lord Octavian said in that lecturing tone of his. “It sends a very different message when you approach supposed peace negotiations with a weapon that is anathema to her very existence.”

“I understand,” Cain said as calmly as he could, inwardly kicking himself for the slip. He must have been more stressed than he thought if he let his mouth run before thinking. What Lord Octavian said was obvious to anyone who had two brain cells to rub together, and he had just made a fool of himself before the man and Amberley both. Magnificent. 

“Likewise, my presence would be an implied threat as well,” Lord Octavian continued. “Which is why you two will have to handle establishing contact without me. It is not important that she is kept from knowing about my involvement, only that she doesn’t take it as a threat.”

He turned around, his piercing gaze holding immeasurable wisdom, peering out through the viewing port, watching the approaching planet. “But first, we need to make sure peace negotiations begin at all. As things stand, it is very much in doubt, considering what we know of this Commander Ebongrave, who is in charge of the Imperium’s forces currently battling the Tau and our quarry.”

Cain grimaced again. His palms were tingling, and for a good reason. He just knew that somehow, this would be his problem to solve. He’d heard of Sebasticor Ebongrave, and if he spent the rest of his life without breathing the same air as the man, he’d have died happy. The man had been fighting the Tau for longer than most humans lived, and had developed a rather extreme form of xenophobia. He was one of those people, the sort that were driven more by hatred than reason. If even half of the rumours were true, the man was a paranoid control freak who blamed Tau infiltrators for his tea going cold or Tau sympathisers for putting the table in the wrong place when he stubbed his toe on its leg.

“I’m sure he would be happy to assist you in your mission, my Lord,” Cain said. “A word from you would drive even a man like Lord Commander Ebongrave to the negotiating table.”

“Perhaps,” Lord Octavian said airily, and Cain felt his stomach drop. “But I have a matter that I need to handle myself on the surface. I am sure you and Inquisitor Vail can more than handle convincing Lord Ebongrave, Commissar. If not, I will kill him for standing in the way of the Emperor’s will.”

It went unspoken that he’d be disappointed if he was forced to do so, disappointed in the two of them, to be specific. Cain was sure that having a member of the Adeptus Custodes be disappointed in you was not good for your health. 

Being useful, competent and having a preexisting rapport of the mostly positive sort with the super psyker was why he was even here. Failing to convince a regular human who was on his side already, with the weight of the Inquisition’s political power behind him, would show him to be massively incompetent. This was a test; it had to be. Or perhaps Lord Octavian had a good grasp on the kind of man Sebasticor Ebongrave was, and he just wanted a reason to leave Cain behind that was not him putting his foot in his mouth just a few minutes ago. 

*****

Cain knew the answer even before the man opened his mouth. Sebasticor Ebongrave wore his emotions on his sleeve, or perhaps Cain’s words had just pushed all of his very tightly wound buttons at once.

“Absolutely not.” Ebongrave looked furious, outraged and disbelieving at once, like he could barely even comprehend how Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium, could ever suggest even just talking to a Tau. “No, not in a million years. Tau? Have you not met them before, Commissar? They are treacherous, cunning, scheming little vermin that work tirelessly to undermine Mankind in any way they can. They need to be exterminated to the last, they are a sickness, their ‘ideals’ a plague upon the mind and the spirit. That Greater Good of theirs is an existential threat, a spiritual plague that tries to worm its way into the hearts of humanity to steal away the souls of His faithful and consign them to damnation.”

This was going to be a problem. He could already see it in the man’s eyes. Sebasticor Ebongrave looked normal, like most high-ranking Imperial Guard commanders Cain had met over his life. Statuesque, rigid, grim and with a receding hairline that not even rejuvenation treatment could beat back. But the eyes, or eye, rather — since the man had one of those crimson prosthetic eyes the tech boys usually kept to themselves — was what made Cain groan inwardly. It shone with a calculating madness, darting around like the gaze of a startled animal as his paranoid mind worked itself into a frenzy.

There was suspicion in that eye, a creeping doubt, and finally, realisation. The man’s visage grew grim, and he stood up straight, an air of disdain clinging to him like a bad scent.

“I never would have thought they would have gotten to a man of your renown, Commissar,” Ebongrave said, his voice cold as death. There was a certainty in it, near absolute, that told Cain all he needed to know about the man. “The Hero of the Imperium is a Tau sympathiser. The shame! Why, I’ll-“

“Lord Commander,” Amberley, or rather, Inquisitor Vail, cut off the man before he could work himself into a fury. The man blinked at her, as if only now remembering that she existed at all. How this man was still in charge of an entire war front as large and important as the Canis salient, Cain couldn’t even imagine. 

It spoke very badly of the dearly departed Lord Militant. Speaking of, wasn’t it mentioned in the reports that Ebongrave had been one of the closest advisors and friends of Solomon Tetrarchus? Yeah, it seems like it was the same old story out here in the Reach, too, but without any proper oversight from the Commissariat or the High Lords. No wonder they had been unable to win a war against a single Tau Sept for centuries with men like this one in charge. 

Or maybe Ebongrave turned into a tactical genius when he could focus on the war itself, and not accuse everyone with opinions he disliked of being Tau sympathisers. It was technically possible, though Cain highly doubted it.

“The Inquisition has a vested interest in this new offensive of the Tau ending as soon as possible, even if it means giving up a few dozen systems to the Tau in exchange,” Inquisitor Veil continued after a pregnant pause, having left just enough of a breathing room for the Commander to gather his clearly fraying wits. “And we are further charged with making that interest a reality by one of His Adeptus Custodes. This war must end, preferably on a peaceful note, so wills the Emperor of Mankind himself. Will you put yourself in the way of our mission? Will you contest His will, Lord Commander?”

By the Throne, authority suited Amberley so well. She was always dangerous, like a wolf among sheep, even while she was undercover, but at times like these? When was she fully taking on the role of one of His agents? Cain couldn’t help but stare, just taking her in, engraving the moment into his mind. With how she preferred to do her work primarily undercover or through more elaborate means, there were so very few opportunities for him to see her like this.

“Of course I won’t!” Ebongrave said, his voice just a smidge short of sounding shrill. “I- It would be my honour to assist in such a mission, Lady Inquisitor … but under objection, I want it to be known that this is a mistake and that I told you it was one.”

Cain couldn’t see, but he could imagine the way Amberley’s crystal blue eyes shifted into a frigid glare by the way the man stiffened. 

“The Emperor doesn’t make mistakes.” Amberley’s words were cold, the unspoken threat woven tightly into each word. “Your words would have been taken as doubting Him by a member of the Ordo Hereticus, you are lucky I am not one of their ranks. See that you keep that opinion to yourself, Lord Octavian might not be as forgiving as I of such a slight spoken in his presence.”

The man swallowed thickly and nodded, looking chagrined. Perhaps he had finally seen some clue on Amberley’s face that she was entirely willing to shoot him in the face. Sure, it would make keeping the Canis Salient together and under unified command much harder, but if the man was being uncooperative, or worse, actively fought them? Yeah, he’d be getting his brain aired out before he could shout for his guards.