Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I think some part of me has finally really realized that I don’t have to be everything for everyone, everywhere, all the time just to be worth more than an equal mass of runny dogshit. Like, I don’t value myself as coequal to unhealthy canine feces any more, and it’s not just because I’m solving all the problems.

Intellectually I’d like to say that I’ve finally arrived at a place where I can value myself for more than my contributions to making the world a better place, but I’m... I’m definitely not there yet.

I honestly think that revelation back at Yule might be interfering. I’m not sure, but my gut says it is, and for the worst possible reason. Well, I think it’s the worst possible reason, because it’s entirely irrational. Just dumb bullshit reasoning based on superficial shit.

Specifically, since I need to keep putting things in words if I’m gonna make progress, I’ve definitely hit a point... No, I’ve internalized and really believe something I paid lip service to back in the day. I’m talking about the idea that every Human Being... Well, Human Adjacent... No, I guess even if I started out with ’Human Being’ back in the day, I’ve progressed to the point where I can say that every Person has value, ought to be cherished just because they’re a Person. I mean, one of my old teachers used to go on about that shit back in the day, and everything he said made sense, but none of it really sunk in. It was like...

I dunno, I guess it was like maybe a sex-neutral Ace person watching porn? Like, I wasn’t repulsed by the idea, and everything about the act made sense, but there just wasn’t any kind of spark lighting a fire inside me. I mean, seriously, fuck if I know what an Ace person thinks, because despite my deep and abiding love, lust, and parental affection as appropriate for Tallulah and Conrad, I really do not viscerally grok what their physical responses are like. Seriously, I can look through Tallulah’s eyes, but feeling what she feels... I mean, I guess I do, but when I look at Teh Sexay, even through somebody else’s eyes, something deep inside me just hollers ’want’.

At any rate, back at the plot, I had a point, and it was that here and now I’ve finally hit a point where yeah, I can accept, even viscerally feel the inherent value in each and every Person. I guess maybe one of the things that makes a Person a Person is a Soul, so I guess maybe that’s where the value comes from, but I’m not sure on that. I’m just sure that they’re all worth something. Even awful excuses for Humans like Spartan Heroes are, in fact, People.

Heh. Kinda funny that I feel like if even in the privacy of my own head I think of any Person as ’not really a Person’, as a thing, I’m gonna hear a deeply disappointed ’ook’ in my ear. Seriously, I’m a fuckin’ eldritch abomination walking the Earth, and at least in part I’m basing my morals on not disappointing Sir Terry. Yeah, I don’t want to disappoint my kids, or my ladies, or Mom and Dad, but somehow Sir Terry is the one that pops into mind first.

Might be something if I’m ever even worried about disappointing myself.

Because... Because even though I think every Person has inherent value, I don’t think that about myself.

Because somewhere deep inside I know I’m not a People. Not a Person.

Yeah, I’ve got some work to do, I know. Gotta talk this one out with Dad tomorrow. Maybe Mom. I guess whoever’s ready to listen. Ready to help me.

Of course, I’m really not sure what I’m gonna do with my new little limpet. Seriously, after spending the night holding Aisling while she slept and I Gifted Ecstasy to my Worshippers, I wound up carrying her to Newark to start up the second Season of Physical Training with my Cadets up there. On the down side, they’re basically about where the Phileo Cadets were by week three last Season. On the plus side, that’s a spot where I can really start pushing them, because they’ve started to think of themselves as actually capable.

Heh. Thinking of themselves as Heroic Cadets. Valuing themselves. Having some sense of self-worth. Guess I can do for others what I’ve been unable to do for myself.

Got her home, held her on my lap feeding her bits of fried pureed stuff Marie brought out. I’m not dissing her food with that ambiguity, by the way, but Marie decided to do a kind of, I dunno, learning experience for the kids, where she brought out a bunch of nearly identical looking sauces and little round fried balls, then let them mix and match and experience the flavors without any preconceptions about what they were. I know I tasted some broccoli, some carrot, some bear, and I think some venison, but mostly I used a toothpick to poke one little ball at a time, blow on it a little, dip it into one of the sauces, and feed it to Aisling.

She took a while chewing each one, and I watched carefully to make sure she wasn’t having any kind of bad reaction, either physical or psychological. She didn’t, although she kinda made faces on a couple of them. The second time it happened, I asked her, ”didn’t like it?”

She shook her head.

”Why not?” When she shrank in on herself, I snuggled her a little and said, ”I’m not mad, Aisling. I’m just tryna figure out what you like, why you like it, so maybe Marie and I can make you something you really like, or at least avoid stuff you don’t.” She blinked real slow, and I quietly encouraged her, murmuring, ”take your time, I’ll wait.”

After a bit she uncurled, sort of, but her brow stayed furrowed until she whispered, ”fish.”

”You don’t like fish?”

She shook her head.

”Okay then. No fish for Aisling. Unless you decide to try it again, okay?”

She nodded, I poked another little fried pate ball, then held it up for her to bite. I waited while she chewed, then opened her mouth just a little, waiting for the next bite.

”Did you like that one?”

She nodded.

”What did you like about it?”

She closed her mouth, a little frown forming. I just waited until she murmured, ”yam.”

”Okay, you like yams?”

She shrugged.

I leaned in and whispered, ”you’re allowed to like things, and to not like things. Just let me know, okay?”

She nodded, and we worked our way through a little pile of fried stuff. I almost missed it when she nodded off after a bite of some kind of meat she couldn’t identify, but liked. Just slowly nomming one moment, then swallow and snore.

Despite being a little whiff after one of me Co-Locating to run alongside my Cadets, I didn’t bother with a shower, and therefore didn’t soak in the Bath, because I wasn’t sure how she’d respond to suddenly being dunked. Or even gently slipped into the warm water. When the ladies and kids joined us in bed, Maze came over to me.

”We missed you in the Bath tonight, Papa.”

i smiled at her. ”Yeah, I know. I missed lying around in the Bath with you guys, but Aisling needed me here I think.” I nodded to the little one curled up against me.

”Who is she?”

I stifled my sigh. ”A little girl whose parents were killed during the New Years attack. They died protecting her, and even so she got shot by the Spartans.”

Something about that made Maze stiffen up just a little. ”Her parents are gone?”

I nodded.

”Will she be staying here with us?”

”I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. She’s... She didn’t...” I sighed. ”She’s not as strong as you were, my little Pony Girl.”

She shot me an impish grin. ”I’m not exactly a little girl any more, Papa.”

”Yeah, but you’ll always be my little Pony Girl, no matter how big you get.”

She moved to settle down on the far side of Aisling from me, to cuddle in around her like I was, then she stopped. ”May I?”

I smiled. ”Sure. Just be very careful. She’s really little, and kinda skittish.”

”Okay.”

Dreamt of my ladies floating around in my Maw in little boat floaties, Tallulah and Saffron directing the rest in two big groups. Doing mock naval maneuvers or something, I guess. I think I may have rewarded the wrong behavior when I dunked the losers.

Woke to Maze quietly saying, ”good morning. My name’s Maze. What’s yours?”

After a long pause, the little one whispered, ”my ... Aisling.”

I saw disaster the moment before it happened, and when Maze said, ”I lost...” I managed to get a stealthy tentacle pressed against her lips. Smart kid, she went quiet, then faked a little sneeze very convincingly. ”Sorry.”

”K.”

”I lost my study partner because they moved away. Would you like to sit with me today?”

Aisling looked up at me, eyes a little frantic around the edges. ”I’ll still be there. You don’t have to, either. It’s an invitation, not a demand.”

She got a little less tense, then whispered, ”no ... you.”

Maze just smiled and, almost as quietly, said, ”it’s okay. The invitation’s open if you change your mind.”

So I taught the basics of numbers up until lunch with Aisling on my hip, then got Jack the bartender to whip her up some yam fries for lunch. After eating almost all of them, she wriggled a little, so I set her on her feet, at which point she crept over and offered the last two fries to Maze.

So I spent the afternoon teaching Math standing next to where Maze and Aisling sat side by side. Because she still never let go of my pant leg.