Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I wonder how often here and now, not to mention back in the day, shit went down and became a disaster because the person who saw it coming didn’t say anything.

Seriously, human beings are kinda pattern recognition machines. I mean, some of us are. Some of us are stupid as fuck. Others have had their pattern recognition broken, either by deliberate targeted abuse, general oppressive fucked up shit, or the fact that living in a dystopia makes a body not want to recognize the pattern. Yeah, we’re pattern recognition machines, but when the pattern is ’get fucked over harder the closer to the break even point you get, and the moment your fingers clear the edge of the cliff, somebody’s gonna stomp on them and laugh’, that can cause a body to either check out completely or start ignoring the pattern as a kind of coping mechanism.

That’s all before the whole idea of ’false positives’ and ’confirmation bias’ and all the million fuckin’ things that can make somebody see a pattern where there isn’t one. Shit, given some of the fucked up shit conspiracy theorists spouted back in the day, I can only hope that the patterns they saw weren’t real. Yeah, I’m not part of that world any more, and from what I can tell there’s no way for me to interact with it non-destructively, let alone get back, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about the people back there.

Wow, I think I must be growing up or something. Seriously, back when I lived there, if you’d have asked me to go outside and, I dunno, clap my hands to keep my neighbor from dying of dysentery, I think the only reason I might have was to avoid the inevitable stench. If I thought I could just get away with ignoring them without consequence, my considered response might have been ’fuck ’em’. I’m not even judging past me at this point, because she was just... Fuck, I was a traumatized kid in a semi-permanent state of arrested development. I wonder if everybody who had a rough childhood eventually gets to this point, where they realize that the person they were as a kid wasn’t healthy, but it wasn’t their fault, and instead of feeling like being a piece of shit for being a little shit, they realize that all they can do is do better, be better, and maybe pay it forward with any kids who come into their care.

Which brings me back to the pattern I’ve recognized, even while I’m still hoping that somehow it’s not real. The one I’m kinda terrified to even mention, even to myself, because I’m vaguely worried that somehow me mentioning the pattern and describing it will make it fuckin’ real.

Of course the other thing I’m wondering about at this point is if Saffron has noticed the same pattern, and if she adjusted my schedule to account for it.

Not my Friday Night Revel schedule. Changing that would be weird at this point, and not ’weird for me’, but ’weird for my Worshippers’. I think the whole ’naming days of the week after Deities, then celebrating those Deities’ Portfolios on those days’ is sorta baked into Phileo culture at this point. Well, Phileo and the Yards, which are having maybe an outsized influence on Alliance culture. No idea why, I say, as my Temples are acting as free elementary schools for each of the Alliance’s major Cities.

So when I got done with class, I stepped the kids home, got everybody in the Dining Room, and scooped each of my ladies up for hugs and kisses while ruffling hair and dispensing more hugs to the kids with tentacles. I guess some people might think that’s weird, but at this point they’re just limbs. Small numbers of small ones doing things I don’t really need to think real heavily about, like hugging kids or delivering sandwiches to plates I can do without a problem.

”Where to tonight?” I murmured too Saffron.

”Phileo, love.”

With one final round of hugs and kisses I stepped to my Altar in the Temple of Love, where I found Karen standing there with Cherry and Giselle. She had Tabson with her, which forced me to hide my wince just thinking that name with my own brain. She didn’t notice, but I think Cherry did, because he sagged.

That wouldn’t do at all, because it hid what little I could see of his nascent baby bump. I put one finger under his chin and lifted until he met my gaze. ”So is Cherry my first partner this Revel, Karen?”

Before she could say anything, he winced. ”Forgive me, Goddess.”

That made my blood run cold. ”Why? Why would you need forgiveness?” I tried not to glance down at his belly, but he noticed.

”No. Not that.” He smiled for just a moment. ”My baby... Uh, our baby... Your baby?”

”Ours, Cherry. You and I made her.”

He chuckled, the sound dying rapidly. ”Might be a him.”

I shrugged. ”I’m eight for eight so far.”

At that point Saffron’s voice whispered into my brain, yes, but this pregnancy actually involves a man.

That matters?

It might.

While that back and forth went on in my head, Cherry worked up the courage to blurt out, ”my Trials.” I waited, and words trickled out of them. ”I failed.”

I pulled him into a hug, which seemed to surprise him. Giselle just stood there nursing until I pulled her in as well. ”You wanna talk about it?”

He worked his mouth for a bit, eventually snorting out something superficially similar to a laugh. ”I failed the test of Marie.”

Without looking away, I thought to Karen, Marie flunked him?

The Trials aren’t administered by the original five who tested me. But their names stuck.

So... Wait, he failed the fucking test?

The other part.

Suddenly my femboy’s inexplicable failure became completely explicable. ”Oh, Cherry.” I hugged him again. ”Oh, my sweet boy, not everyone’s cut out for fighting like that.”

He pouted. ”She didn’t even fight me. Just... Held me down.”

”Really?”

He nodded. ”Said she didn’t want to hurt me.” He glanced down, and I realized why.

”Yeah. Yeah, I get that.” I held him a bit, then asked, ”you gonna try again?”

He jerked like I’d slapped him. Then glanced at Karen, then back to me, then back to Karen. ”Is that allowed?”

I couldn’t help it, a laugh bubbled out of me. ”C’mon, Cherry. You passed Saffron’s Trial, right?”

He looked at Karen again, and she said, ”he did.”

”So, what’s the third Value?”

Without the slightest pause, he said, ”Redemption? How... Why’s that important?”

I rolled my eyes, because if Cherry could be this dense, our kid was gonna be able to headbutt Menace and get away with it. ”Second chances. Duh.” Before he could go off half cocked, I continued. ”Just to be clear, I don’t think it would be a good idea for anybody if you just spammed the test or anything.” When he looked confused, I said, ”took the test over and over trying to get lucky.”

He sighed. ”I guess not.”

”Do you still want to, though?” He wouldn’t meet my gaze, but he nodded. ”Well then. First of all, Marie’s not gonna get rough with you while you’re pregnant. So you’ve got a little time. Use that. Practice. Learn some new tricks.” I left that hanging for a second, then added, ”cheat.”

”What? But... I... Huh?”

I laughed. ”She’s a seven foot tall purpose built murderfuck machine, Cherry. I don’t think the Trial is to beat her. Just to prove to her that if shit goes down and you gotta protect someone, like maybe kids? You’ll be more than just a speed bump.” As my words got through to him, I added, ”did you pass Siobhan’s test?”

He shook his head. ”I wasn’t sure how. I don’t Shape Mana.”

I shrugged. ”Not sure that’s absolutely required. If it is?” I glanced surreptitiously at Karen, who gave the slightest of shrugs. ”If it is, maybe have Karen teach you. Or I’m sure the Temple could get somebody to tutor you. Or maybe just focus on the parts of Healing that don’t require Shaping.”

At this point he was nodding along. Then he stopped. ”Do... Do you still want me to?”

I smiled and chuckled. ”Hey, Cherry. I maybe did that with Mads, because she had nothing else to live for in that moment. Orla because she wanted me to tell her. But mostly I don’t want to tell people what to do, not for something like that.” After a brief pause, I asked, ”do you want me to tell you to take them?”

”No?”

”Do you still want to take them?”

He thought for a bit, and I just sat there and let him think. Meanwhile I might have played a little peekaboo with Tabson. Nope, repeating it didn’t make it any better.

Finally he nodded. ”I think so.”

I gave him a big hug. ”Well then. Take your time. No rush, no pressure, if you decide you want to, get yourself ready before you try again. If you realize you’re too busy with work and the little ones, I’m not gonna be uspet with you taking that path either. Okay?”

”Okay.”

”So, how’s the bump coming along?” I laid a hand on his belly, and he tittered. Which is like giggling, only more high pitched. Weird sound, like somebody added dolphin sounds to a human voicebox. Well, almost dolphin.

”Fine, fine.”

I turned to Giselle. ”You taking good care of our boy Cherry?”

She nodded solemnly. ”I am, Goddess.”

”Good. Thank you. I’m not sure he takes care of himself very well.”

While he spluttered, she just said, ”he doesn’t. But I will.” Which just made him splutter more.

”Is that all?”

He shrugged, sighed, and nodded. Meanwhile Karen cut in, saying, ”no, it is not, Goddess.” While Cherry looked at her, confused, and Giselle shifted Tabson to the other tit, Karen said, ”Cherry apparently decided to make sure the Temple wouldn’t suffer should he be incapacitated during a later trimester.”

At that point he muttered, ”I’m just trying to do my part.”

Karen tried to hold it in, but a snickering snort escaped her. ”Cherry, you’ve done far more than ’your part’. I’m never going to tell you to stop work you so clearly enjoy and excel at, at least not while it’s safe for you to do so, but I’m also not going to downplay your contributions.”

Like, are we talking hours worked or revenue generated?

Yes. He’s not working quite as many hours now, and he’s limited some offerings and raised his requested donation for others, but... Yes.

Good enough for me. I turned and hugged Cherry to me, quietly looking at that place inside him. ”Really?”

He looked up at me. ”Yeah? Yeah, I think so.”

So I spent the rest of the night demonstrating Stabilize and Heal Injury for him. Okay, we did that for a bit, and played with Tabson on the Altar a little when Cherry needed a break from trying to Shape, because I wasn’t going to let him do anything near exhausting himself. The absolute funniest part of the night had to be when Giselle, who’d stayed with us the whole night, muttered something about Cherry needing his rest.

”I mean, you could always convince him to go to bed the old fashioned way.” Both of them looked at me funny, and I said, ”oh, shit. I didn’t mean to imply anything. Sorry.”

At which point, before Cherry could say anything, Giselle muttered, ”I couldn’t. I’m... I’m not...”

Yeah. I’d forgotten exactly how little Giselle thought of herself. I mean, she’s sweet, and not real bright, but she’s not a bad person. I realized something right as Cherry did, and I nodded to him. He looked at her and quietly asked, ”did you want to? Want me to?”

So frustratingly adorable listening to her mutter sorta incoherently about not being able to afford it, not being good enough, not being ’worthy’. While she did, I slipped Tabson out of her arms and started cooing to him. Even said his name once, real quiet. Nope, still bad. I looked at Giselle. Looked inside, then smiled at Cherry and nodded.

Yeah, I think it did Cherry some good to show off a little there on the Altar at the end of the night. I let the three of them rest on the Altar as I greeted the dawn with Karen, then carried them back to the little cell they shared.

At which point Saffron showed up, took me by the hand, and stepped me to a Practice Yard. Unlike Phileo and the Yards, this one was more or less on the roof of the building, and the view was incredible. Saffron nodded past the City walls, out to a building I barely recognized as Alliance HQ, and said, ”I’ll be right over there if you want to join me for lunch, love.”

I kissed her, she stepped away to her day of Imperator things, and I turned to the yellow, blue, and white clad Cadets thundering into the Yard.  At this point, after greeting the Phileo and Camden Cadets, I couldn’t very well give the Newark Cadets any less. ” ”GOOD MORNING, CADETS! LINE UP, FOUR BY FOUR, ON THE PAVER LINES!”