Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Y’know, after months of being a ’High Priestess’ and not really doing anything that felt really, y’know, ’priestessy’, this is like my third wedding since the Solstice. I think.

Oh, shit. I keep, like, almost recognizing things that seem, I dunno, like they really shouldn’t be here and now, but are, and I know Loki says Gods can see the world I came from, which means one of those fuckers have definitely seen that ’three weddings and a funeral’ movie. Or was it four weddings? Shit, now I can’t remember. Have I already fucked up and now we’re just waiting for the funeral? Do I have one more wedding before someone dies? If it is three, should we call the wedding off? Does it count as a wedding if they elope? Can we just scream ’this is eloping, not a wedding’ real loud and not have it count?

Dammit, now I want to ask Loki how to see my old world. I never got to watch Hazbin Hotel past the pilot, and the trailer for that shit looked fire.

Perhaps I can show you next time you have a free Monday to stop by and learn new things.

Really? Cool! Thanks Boss! Wait! Shit! I think I missed a Monday somewhere in there!

We are well past that. Be at peace, Tabitha Diaz. As you have said, we are family, and family does for one another.

Thanks, Boss. You’re the best.

I know.

Well. One crisis averted. What I really don’t get? Is why I’m nervous here. I’m already married. I’ve done a wedding already, right? I didn’t fuck that up too bad, although I’m really not sure how those two are doing at this point. They’re at Lancaster House, and that’s about all I know. Wait, wait, wait, again. Have I done one wedding or two? Shit, that’s bad. If you don’t know how many people you’ve married that’s probably bigamy, right?

Again, why the fuck am I nervous about this?

Other than Bonnie and Larry being, y’know, friends of mine, and if I never see that couple I married at that farmstead again, I might wonder, but I’m not gonna cry big tears for my missing friends. If shit goes sideways at Larry and Bonnie’s wedding, I’ll have them around as a reminder of how I fucked things up, and if they don’t work out in the long run, will it be my fault because I weddinged wrong?

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

So. Restful night last night; we decided to wait for tonight to ruin Marie for everyone else for all eternity, since we both wanted to be restful. Like, not celibate restful, but quiet sleepy brain making nookie, not cocaine squirrel Saffron nookie, which holy god I need to finish that war so we can do that again. That’s a good reason to stop a war, right? Sure.

At any rate, picked up the guest list like I said I would, and Bonnie’s handwriting isn’t actually ’third grader with a half eaten crayon’. She dots her ’I’s with hearts, which ought to surprise no one, but other than that, it’s perfectly legible. Okay, a little loopy and flowery, but legible.

I wound up playing taxi this morning while Saffron organized the Temple. Turns out that both Saturn and Hestia have their big public weekly ceremonies on Saturdays, so Mondays the place is usually pretty empty, so we could shuffle things around as we liked, so long as we didn’t, y’know, leave a mess or burn the place down or something. Turns out most of the guest list was Bonnie’s family, who could walk to the Temple, Academy friends plus Lachlan, who I had to pick up from Lancaster, General Lancaster and, since three of the Inter-City Council would be there, because nobody in their right mind would not invite Mama Driver, Ophelia Orange and George Papadopoulos made the list as well. So did Papa Driver, of course. The only two people on the list who I had some problems finding a way to get to were Rowena Rider and Gary Rosen, who were the only people Larry listed as ’friends’. Loki and Sigyn, who I invited because I am absolutely gonna use them as my go-to Witnesses for as long as Loki’ll let me, and since Sigyn has zero hesitation about leading him around by the lower brain and she is the most wedding and romance addicted person I’ve ever met, I’m pretty sure that means forever, came through in the pinch and told me they’d pick up Gary and Rowena.

So in case you’re wondering, yes, I am a fucking nervous wreck, and this is not even my fucking wedding. I’m already married, for fuck’s sake. I mean, yeah, part of me really keeps kicking the idea around in the back of my head that Saffron and I ought to both marry Marie, but I’m not sure if she really wants to, what with the whole ’being part of a Murderfuck Cult’ thing. Can Maenads even get married? Are they all married? Wait, no, I think I remember something about them being the ’brides of Dionysus’. Does that mean they’re all married? Or are they all married to him and not, like, to each other? Is D just waiting around until he thinks I’ve realized I’m fucking his wife on the regular, at which point he’s gonna whomp me with some kind of booze whammy?

Wait, no, I remember that much, at least. Fucking a Maenad well enough that she wants to bring you home to meet dear old dad-brother-son-husband is how Maenads reproduce. Or proselytize new members for the Murderfuck Cult. While she definitely has brought me home to meet Big D, she seemed to indicate that she wasn’t yet ready to induct us. Maybe she’s got a thing for lack-of-fur? Holy shit, have Saffron and I turned the Champion God-Tier Furry of the World into a... what the fuck would you call a Furry who’s into, y’know, not Furry people. Like, not scaly people either, but people with like, normal skin. Fleshies? Are we her very own Fleshlights? Wait. No. I’d be a Fleshdark.

Boss?

I panicked for a second, then mentally screamed out, BOSS!

”Yes, Tabitha?”

I spun from where I’d been pacing in front of the altar. Which, unlike the normal ’pulpit’ kind of thing you’d see in most churches back where I’m from? Was a goddamned feasting table sized slab of marble. Like, Gordon Ramsey could host a competition cooking show using nothing but this one fucking altar as his contestants’ workspace.

Deep breaths. I tried to raise my gaze to Loki in his Lyman suit, but ’deep breaths’ had turned into ’panting’. ”I think I’m panicking. Why am I panicking?”

Lyman walked over and put his arms around me. A moment later I got sandwiched from the other side by Sigyn, who didn’t need to shapeshift into a vaguely runty... I mean, Larry sized guy to walk around mortals and not be immediately called out. She just made quiet soothing noises while Lyman spoke. ”I understand.” He paused a moment. ”Think, Tabitha. Have you been in front of crowds, the center of attention, since you’ve arrived here?”

”Fucking duh. Lots. Why the fuck does this time have me panicking?”

While Sigyn rubbed little circles on my back he said, ”so, what did you do on those occasions?”

I snorted. ”Fucking duh times two. I killed the fuck out of a bunch of people. Well, sometimes just one person. Wait, the first time was at the Court Martial! I didn’t kill anyone there, just... y’know... I scared the living shit out of Trease. And maybe Hero Velazquez. Oh, fuck, I’m really not good at the whole center of attention thing, am I?”

He chuckled. ”No, Tabitha Diaz, I would say you are exceptionally good at it, but your body thinks that you need to be on your guard, so that you can, as you put it, kill the fuck out of a bunch of people. Or terrify them, as needed.” He stepped away and turned, his arm around my back, facing the growing crowd. Bonnie’s got a fuckton of relatives, apparently. They were all a little tense, but it was the tense I’d seen so many times from people back home, or even people here. I got a little weirded because with so many of them? Some of them had to have, y’know, gotten hitched at some point. Then I realized. None of them had probably gotten married in a venue like this, and sure as shit none of them had gotten married to someone as rich and powerful and from a family that had basically enslaved their entire race for generations as Larry Lancaster.

And I was up here looking nervous, like I had anything to fear from anybody at the ceremony today. Or, y’know, anybody anywhere that had anything like an attachment to existence. I pulled Lyman into a side hug and said, ”thanks, dad,” as I started chuckling. Already starting to full on laugh, I nodded toward one end of the altar. ”I think Saffron planned to have you stand over at that end as witnesses.”

”Do you want us to stay with you?”

I shook my head, because once I’d realized why I’d panicked, the whole reason for it kind of melted away. ”Nah, I’m good now. If you guys wanna hang over there, or mingle with the guests, or whatever until Larry and Bonnie show, I’m gonna see about getting everybody a little more settled now.”

With that I turned to face the crowd, good thing, too, given who’d just entered the temple from the far end. ”Hey, everybody! Thank you all for coming today!”

Everybody who’d been milling around turned to look at me. Something bubbled up from memory, and I went with it. ”Today we’re here to celebrate the wedding of Laurence Lancaster and Bonita Obol. If you’re not here for that wedding, you’re free to stay so long as you’re polite about it, but if you were here for some other event, you might want to check your day and time.”

Everybody seemed to take that as a joke, and the quiet laughter echoing through the place covered up the sound of approaching bootheels. ”Normally I think we’d do something like ’groom’s guests on the right and bride’s guests on the left’, but there’s a heck of a lot of overlap, what with our Bonnie being everybody in the world’s best friend, amirite?”

That got a real laugh, so I followed it up with, ”so while we’d like it if you could leave the front row on each side clear for the parents, siblings, and similar close family from each side, those who won’t be up front here at least, feel free to sit where you like, although,” I waved my arms around to indicate the whole space. The place was pretty fuckin’ big. Like, not quite ’Temple of the Moon’ ice hockey stadium big, but definitely ’mega wide screen theater’ big, ”...as you can tell, we’re not really gonna fill the space, so feel free to spread out or cluster up, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Folks drifted to seats, most of them seeming to find their preferred or designated spots just before the owner of the boots reached the rearmost populated row of seats. Honestly, I hadn’t recognized his face, and wouldn’t have recognized his outfit, and part of the grin on my face got put there when I recognized Leonard fuckin’ Lancaster entirely by the rod up his ass. I mean, the way he moved, but so much of that was that ramrod straight spine no matter what he was doing that, y’know, ’rod up the ass’ covered all of it. He hadn’t worn his ’Odin’s High Priest’ dress today. For the first time since I’d met him, I saw him in something else.

Black boots. Black slacks. Red Jacket. Fluffy collar, perfectly placed to even Saffron’s exacting standards. I had to admit it, like him or not, the man filled out the Phileo Hero uniform really well. He strode up the center aisle, stillness flowing out like a bow wave as he moved through the crowd. He reached the front row, stopped with his heels together and his hands clasped behind him, and nodded to me. ”High Priestess Diaz.”

Fuck it, I wasn’t gonna be the one fucking up Larry and Bonnie’s wedding. I couldn’t match his formal stance, not in The Dress, not without looking like a complete twat, but I could nod politely and reply, ”Lord Lancaster.”

He turned, took one step, and sat down in the front most row of seats, one seat to my left of the center aisle.

That seemed to throw some kind of social switch, as people started planting asses in seats, as well as corralling the absolute herd of kids into the back few rows, with a couple Grandmas who looked like Grandma Aetos’ bridge partners or some shit like that. Strong ’old biddy in charge’ energy from each and all of them. While all that happened, Ophelia Orange and George Papadopoulos entered the room, and the Drivers’ motioned the pair to sit next to them. Ophelia balked and sat behind Lenny, because she’s a moron and a bitch, but I had basically said ’sit where you like’, so as long as she kept her bitchy moronity to her seat choice I’d let it slide.

Most of the Cadets from the Expedition came quick-timing it in a moment later, a double line coming down the aisle. Bill and Angel, who peeled off in the opposite direction of Lenny, one row behind the front row, which contained an older woman who bore a weird resemblance to both Bonnie and Raven. Only weird because the two didn’t look all that much alike, but somehow she looked like both of them. Funny, the row the Cadets sat in was pushed back a little bit, because both Mama and Papa Driver sat in that row, and neither of them could really fit in ’confined leg space’ seating.

Next came Gary and Rowena. who came all the way to the front and turned to sit in the front row, just past Lenny. A little weird, maybe not quite what I’d said, but then Bonnie’s front row had a lot more than just her mom. Sisters, I think. Hard to be exactly sure, but they ranged in age from mid twenties to one barely big enough to walk.

Fred and Linus came next, and if Fred seemed inclined to sit in the row with Angel and Bill and their dad and his mom, Carruthers surprised the living fuck out of me by nudging him into the kind of completely empty row of seats behind Lenny. I mean, fuck Lenny having backup, but Carruthers being nice enough to realize that Larry might like seeing some guys on his side was cool.

The next arrivals didn’t come down the aisle. Saffron and, just behind her, Marie appeared next to me. Marie immediately stalked regally to the end of the altar opposite Loki and Sigyn, where she spun and stood, suddenly so motionless she might have been a Maenad statue. That’s my creepy as fuck girl. Saffron just smiled and turned to stand just to the other side of the altar’s center, close enough we could have held hands, but... I dunno, that seemed a little gauche to me.

The next pair to enter the Temple did so from the same entrance Lenny and the Cadets had used. Lachlan, walking one step behind and to the side of his brother, wore an absolutely picture perfect Academy Uniform, but frankly he could have been stark naked and I don’t think anybody would have cared. It took me a couple seconds, but my eyes might have gotten just a little wide when I finally realized what Larry was dressed in. Way back when Saffron and I got married Raven had drawn her and I in an absolute piece of confectionary of a white wedding dress for Saffron, and a really cool black almost tuxedo for me.

Larry was most certainly not in the confectionary. I gotta say, my man Larry looked good. Were he not, y’know, my own personal ’baseball’, I might have stared with a little bit of the drool I swear I saw from some of the younger Obol and Aetos cousins in the rows further back. His only concession to anything other than the Groom’s Tux, Slayer’s hilt dangled from his left hip. I realized right then that he wasn’t walking with his father’s ramrod straight military posture, nor his brother’s linebacker strut. He kind of flowed along the aisle, reminding me of no one quite as much as Marie in that moment. Now I was really glad he filled that ’think about grandma naked’ role for me, because The Dress doesn’t cover much, and it would be crass to straight up drip at somebody else’s wedding.

Like what you see? Saffron thought at me.

Pfft. As if. He’s Larry Lancaster. That’d be, like, workplace harassment layered on top of lady-boner-killer.

A throaty chuckle rubbed the back of my brain, and I had to really think about Larry to keep everything in-front-of-a-crowd-worthy. Not that I’m at all interested in him, but you will be called upon to satisfy some cravings later.

Yes ma’am. What? He’s my nemesis, not hers. Besides, he’s sworn to me. That makes him, like, the guy who’s supposed to stand in for me if I can’t do guy things, right? Wait, no, not good to throw up in my mouth a little either. Just smile and don’t wave.

He finally reached the front, stepped just to my side of the altar, with Lachlan right behind him. ”Hey Larry?” I muttered.

”Yes, Commander?” he replied without moving his lips.

”I think you may be cornered but good. Say the word and your Patron will whisk you away from this.”

”Why in the name of everything I hold dear would I want to do that? Speaking of, I think she’s coming in now?”

Larry was, sadly, entirely wrong. The female silhouette entering turned out to be the right height and even general shape, but she wore a uniform nearly as crisp as Lachlan’s. Unlike Lachlan, who had worn his sword, she carried a bouquet. A little one, to be sure, but a bouquet nonetheless. When she got closer I saw her hip wasn’t unoccupied though. She had the little case she carried her drawing supplies in attached to her waist. Nice touch. She took one stately step down the aisle at a time, then turned, stepped two steps beyond Saffron to mirror Lachlan, then froze, obviously trying not to smile.

Because the next person down the aisle was absofuckinglugely not stately, nor did she wear her uniform quite spot on perfect. Even if her tiara and cummerbund did give it a certain flair. She carried a basket literally bigger than she was, almost seeming like she was somehow riding in it as she bounced down the aisle. Apparently someone had given her the idea that the flower girl’s duty was not to ’sprinkle petals down the aisle’, but ’carpet the aisle and two feet in both directions in flower petals, people in seats included’. A rainbow of petals went everywhere; for all her manic little kid energy, she took the job seriously, at least, looking back over her shoulder every few rows to check her work, tossing handfuls of petals at any spot not covered to her satisfaction. When she made it to the front, ensuring that at no point up to and including her spot in front of the altar would Bonnie need to step on an un-flowered patch of ground, she shoved the basket under the altar behind Saffron and pranced over to stand next to Marie. Unlike Marie, who still hadn’t moved or, as far as I could tell, breathed since she got to her place, the menace vibrated with excitement. Like, literally trembling. She managed to keep her feet still, and no part of her actually moved, but I watched as somehow every kid in those back rows slowly started vibrating at that same frequency.

Then, and I can only assume she’d done it somehow via hang glider, and I totally didn’t want to know beyond that, a basket of petals that positively dwarfed the one she’d carried down the aisle, which had been positioned directly above the entrance at the very start of the aisle, tipped over and disgorged a positive deluge of flower petals in every color of the rainbow. Okay, more red, gray, black, and white than anything else, but still, my girl did not mess around. As very bottom of the petal cascade hit the floor, with a solid twenty feet of feet above that still covered with floating, falling petals, a silhouette appeared in the doorway. As she entered through an absolute waterfall of petals, my completely inappropriate sense of humor grabbed my vocal cords and muttered to Larry, ”looks like the menace wanted to make sure she’s thoroughly re-flowered for you, champ.”

I realized, like, the very moment the fucking words left my lips how they could be taken the wrong way. I swear I’d been thinking about their enthusiastic, nay fervent near to the point of obsessive participation in conjugal activities, because at that moment? Somehow along with their bodies and souls the very history and actions of the Bastards formerly Lancaster had been utterly erased from my memory. I turned to, I dunno, apologize or something to Larry, only to see him smiling the single most joyous smile I’d ever seen on his face. Fuck, I’m not sure I’d seen that look on anybody’s face before.

Mine, I hope, thought Saffron.

Most definitely; Sigyn’s as well has borne that look, although you, my most Glorious Champion, were too polite to watch at that moment.

The only person that mattered to me at that moment, though, whispered without moving his lips as fucking tears of joy slid down his face. ”I have no idea how any child of yours could turn out so sweet, kind, and thoughtful, Commander, but apparently you’ve a talent with parenting.”

What the fuck else could I say? ”Totally Saffron. Really.”

When she got close enough, step by step coming down the aisle as from somewhere, just on the edge of hearing, the wedding march began to play? I realized where I’d seen that dress before. In the same picture where I’d seen Larry’s suit. And holy fuckballs did she look insanely incredible in it, and the look on her face? An absolute mirror of Larry’s? Only made it better.

I... have envy, Kitten.

Wait, you want Bonnie now, too? I’m surprised, but she’s quite fetching, so I’ll allow it. I think you’ll have to fight Larry for her. Or share, which I’ll admit sounds less onerous than it would have an hour ago.

I managed to avoid snerking while standing in front of the crowd. I meant the dress, you... I couldn’t even keep up the snark. I want you in that dress.

Exactly one condition.

I cut her off. Done.

Without hearing the condition? she thought incredulously.

DUH-UHN. DONE.

You’ll be wearing that suit Larry’s wearing at our renewal of vows.

Yes! When? Yes! I really found it incredible that I kept my eyes on the woman of the hour at that point, but somehow I did.

That is for me to know and you to find out on the day in question, as a surprise. Now look sharp, she’s almost here.

I think it really says something that at no point did I realize that Bonnie, who carried a big ’ol bouquet, had an older dude walking next to her. Not, like ancient, but maybe in his forties or fifties. I’d say he was ’escorting her’ and ’helping her balance’, but I’m pretty sure he was leaning on her elbow rather than the other way around.

Cadet. DuBois. Training. You know the deal.

Her father turned to her at the end of the aisle, leaned forward to touch his forehead against hers, and whispered, ”I’m so proud of you, my Bonnie daughter.”

”Thank you, Daddy.” He stepped back, sat down next to her mom, I guess his wife, although they had that kind of tired acceptance of one another that I’d seen in old couples sometimes. Not dislike, or boredom, but like they’d gotten married for maybe bad reasons, and had decades of making the best of it as their biggest single common bond. His hand slipped down, and she reached down to take it. Friends at least then. Good.

She stepped up, and Larry turned to face her as she took her place across from him. I don’t know that I saw his feet move, he just kinda pivoted in place like the floor under him was rotating, but his gaze never left her face.

”Tears?”

Her question had been gently teasing, but my man Larry straight up face tanked that shit without backing down. No ’single manly tear’, no ’ninjas cutting onions’, none of that weak sauce. ”Tears of purest joy, for I feel nothing else looking at the vision of loveliness before me.”

Here I’d thought Bonnie couldn’t blush any more. I mean, she sure as hell blushed about as much as I did about her carnal affection for him, but that? I swear her fuckin’ dress turned a little pink from the blush underneath it.

We stood there for another beat, and then Saffron said, quietly, ”are the two of you ready?”

When both of them nodded, Larry without his gaze moving from her eyes, Bonnie with a kind of frenetic energy, Saffron began. We’d discussed it, and both of us had seen so many weddings where the dude or chick in charge made all kinds of speeches and shit about whatever. We’d decided, as mature women and High Priestesses, ’fuck that noise’ and kept that shit concise.

Saffron pitched her voice to carry, and asked, ”We are here today to bear witness to and celebrate the joining of Laurence Lancaster, Heir Lancaster of Lancaster House, Freshman Cadet of the Phileo City Heroic Academy, to Bonita Obol, Freshman Cadet of the Phileo City Heroic Academy, in marriage.” She paused, letting the echoes of her words die down, then took Bonnie’s hands in one of hers and called out in that same carrying tone, ”who stands witness to the joining of these two?”

I nodded toward Lachlan; I don’t know if he needed the cue, but he got it and ran with it. ”I, Lachlan Lancaster, Master Lancaster of Lancaster House and Senior Cadet,” he beamed at me and Saffron, but didn’t go off script, thankfully, ”at Phileo City Heroic Academy, stand witness.”

Raven didn’t need the cue; her métier might be visual art, but her timing was perfect. ”I, Papina Aetos, Freshmen Cadet at Phileo City Heroic Academy and by the grace of all the Gods cousin of Bonita Obol, stand witness.”

My turn next. I took Larry’s hands in one of mine and called out, ”who stands witness to the joining of these two?” My voice might have been a little less smooth than Saffron’s but by god everybody in the room heard it.

The first reply wasn’t the echo of steel and trumpets I knew deep in my bones that it could be. It slowly surged through the room, filling it like warm honey, because sure as shit nobody else made a goddamned sound after she started speaking. ”I, Sigyn Solsdottr, Goddess of Marital Devotion, stand witness.”

The next slipped through and around that honey, flickering coals that warmed it even further, and I think most of the guests stopped breathing at that point. ”I, Loki Laufeyson, God of Hearth and Home, by my great fortune Husband of Sigyn Solsdottr, stand witness.”

Saffron, because my chick is, as noted previously, badder than yours, completely without any hesitation and somehow not in the slightest diminished by the voices that had come before, said, ”Bonita Obol, do you take Laurence Lancaster as your husband, to have and to hold, to nurture according to your nature, to love and never leave, no matter the trials and tribulations, for as long as you both shall live?”

Somehow I knew that our eager beaver would be the first one to go off script, but fuck it, her wedding, her rules. In a voice that just goddamned echoed through the room, she said, ”and as long as I can hold on after death comes for him, I do and I will.”

My turn. ”Laurence Lancaster, do you take Bonita Obol as your wife, to have and to hold, to nurture according to your nature, to love and never leave, no matter the trials and tribulations, for as long as you both shall live?”

His eyes still leaking, he matched her volume while still somehow sounding as calm and certain as he had when facing down his father. Or the former Heroes Lancaster. Or Odin’s goddamned Valkyries. ”For as long as she will have me, I do and I will.”

Saffron and I had thought about this, and we’d decided that fuck it, our plan was a little over the top, but it might make the day just a little more memorable. Y’know, before every fuckin’ god welcome in the room at the moment other than me decided to crank their bit up to eleven and break the knob off.

Still pretty cool that Bonnie and Larry had managed to keep the show from being stolen.

So Saffron and I alternated words for the official closing words of the ceremony that sealed the deal.

”We”

”Now”

”Pronounce”

”You”

”Husband”

”And”

”Wife”

Kinda funny, but with us doing it like that? instead of a single sentence, it seemed almost like a countdown. Larry sure took it as one, and by mutual unspoken decision we decided that since neither of us had detected any perceivable time between the word ’wife’ and Larry’s lips connecting with Bonnie’s, saying ’you may now kiss the bride’ seemed pretty redundant, and the whole ’place their hands in each others’ had become irrelevant when they most definitely yanked them away for some mutual grabbing.

I guess it surprised me a little that everybody in the audience save Lenny started cheering at that point, and not, like, quiet clapping or any sedate shit like that, but the kind of thing you’d expect when the down and out pee wee league team wins the state championship or something. Absolute joyous pandemonium, and if Marie remained statuesque and Loki and Sigyn remained somewhat restrained, Isnomi made up for it, hooting and hopping and clapping and eventually charging back into the back rows to get all the kids doing some kind of coordinated cheering.

I put on my most serious ’I’m serious now’ face and looked at the delirious couple, catching their eye the moment they came up for air, which was quite a while later. Quietly enough that I don’t think anybody beyond the two of them and maybe Lachlan and Raven heard me, I said, ”So, will the two of you be making use of the altar?” and made the world’s tiniest nod toward that big empty slab of marble. Larry got a really weird look on his face, and I realized at that moment that not only had he never, y’know, been married before, obviously, he’d probably never even attended a fucking wedding before, so for all he knew fucking was, indeed, the capstone of the whole ceremony.

Before I could even start to feel bad for him, I saw the look on Bonnie’s face, and realized that while she absolutely had obviously attended many weddings before, and thus knew that I was joking, she also realized that Larry did not know that, and was seriously contemplating engaging in her re-deflowering right goddamned then and there, to hell with waiting, and propriety, and anything else than immediate and thorough consummation of their marriage in front of Gods and everybody. Like, turned his back to the crowd, hers to the altar, and had already taken a step backward and pulled him along behind her kind of serious.

Barely able to speak from the laughter bubbling up, I blurted out, ”holy shit, Bonnie, I was kidding. I admire the fuck out of your enthusiasm, but you really wanna not do that.”

She turned the world’s most deadly serious happy eager face to me and said, ”one good reason right the fuck now, Diaz.”

Shit, I couldn’t not back down at this point. I turned to the table, pointed at it with finger-guns, and with a sense of impishness said, ”skidoosh,” as I did the finger-guns-firing thing and stopped feeding mana to the very sophisticated Filtration Ward Saffron had set up earlier. With Loki’s help, I think, but I’m not sure, nor did I care.

Bonnie looked where I pointed and saw that she’d almost wound up sitting in, and potentially, ah, ’reveling’ in, a big old wedding cake, the centerpiece of a feast. I mean, Temple of Bounty. I wasn’t shitting earlier about the Gordon Ramsey thing, the altar table was meant to hold feasts.

She still looked half ready to continue with her Very Inappropriate Plan. Like I said, ’no I can’t do that’ or ’I’m gonna do that at Every Possible Opportunity’, and our girl Bonnie had chosen to fucking spring in the second direction with all her might. ”Down girl. You’ve got time. A lifetime. Seriously.”

She looked at me, still with that deadly serious happy eager face, and said, ”but what if someone gets rude and interrupts?”

”Like who?”

”Calverton?”

I put on my serious face again, this time for reals, and said, ”Bonnie Obol-Lancaster, I swear to you as your husband’s Patron, you will have until sunset on Tuesday, if I have to put every man jack in Calverton and anyone in Heaven or on Earth who tries to interrupt you in the time out corner my own fucking self.”

She paused for what was for me, since my stupid joke started this whole thing, a really uncomfortable time, then said, ”okay!” Then, much quieter, she whispered, ”you’ll get us home as soon as the feasting is done?”

”It would be my pleasure. Now, uh...”

”Yes?”

Larry was looking a little happy-weepy again, so I hurried up and said, ”there’s a kind of tradition where I’m from where the married couple cut the first slice of cake together, then feed it to one another.”

”How?”

I shrugged. ”some people do it all sweet like, and that’s supposed to symbolize gentleness and care and sharing a household or something like that, and others kinda smash it in each others faces, which I’m told is supposed to symbolize passion, but, y’know? It’s your wedding. However the hell you want, Bonnie.”

Larry chuckled, ”do I get a say?”

Bonnie turned to him, the tiniest ghost of sincerity on her face, and said, ”I promise I’ll let you think you do for as long as I can.” Then she turned back to me and said, ”I meant I don’t see any silverware, what are we supposed to cut the cake with?”

I swear I didn’t mean to glance at Larry’s waist. But Slayer sure as shit can cut the fuck out of a cake. None of that ’oh, it’s getting bound up in the icing’ here. With both of their hands on the hilt they sliced out a Lancaster rod approved laser precision cut perfect slice of cake from the second tier, after I told them the top tier was for their first anniversary. Then, with Slayer back on Larry’s belt, Bonnie reached up with both hands and careful as only an experienced waitress can be, managed to wiggle it free without losing any icing or breaking that perfect laser cut surface. She held it out with both hands to Larry and said, ”well, go on, take it. I can’t wait to see what you think you’re going to do.”

That... boded weird. Not ill, because Bonnie didn’t seem to adore her new husband any less, but apparently I’d accidentally pushed her ’mischief’ slider all the way up. When Larry, as careful as I’ve ever seen him, reached out, took the cake with one hand, and put the other around her waist to hold her up as she opened her mouth and closed her eyes, Moving ever so gently, he drifted the cake forward until it barely touched her lips.

I hadn’t been watching her hands, since she’d lowered them below her waist the moment Larry took the cake from her, but whatever she did at that moment made Larry’s eyes and mouth pop open like he’d been goosed. She lunged forward, grabbing the cake slice in her mouth, and really I’m fucking impressed not with how much of a mess she made of both of their faces, but how much cake seemed to wind up jammed into their mutual mouths. By the time she came up for air there was none left inside their cheeks, and she proved that she gave absolutely zero shits about what anyone thought about her very obvious and public lustful infatuation with her husband as she first licked every bit of cake and frosting off of his face, then, her hands clasped behind his waist much as his were behind hers, leaned back and said, ”Lachlan, Raven, please see to making sure everyone gets cake?”

Lachlan muttered, ”sure” and pulled his sword out to start turning the rest of the cake into reasonable portions.

Raven got a snerky look and said, ”why am I doing that again with your cake?”

Bonnie didn’t even look at her cousin as she gently but firmly tugged Larry away from the feast table. She just said, ”oh, dear. Larry, I seem to have gotten all messy. Cake and frosting everywhere.” Then, her voice dropping to a register I didn’t know she had, she whispered with just the right kind of hoarse in her voice, ”Clean me up please, Husband?” I noticed right then that not only had she clamped her arms outside of his, definitely preventing him from using his hands to do anything but maybe get a good solid grip on her posterior, but somehow the big frosting rose right in the middle of the slice of cake? Had wound up right smack in the middle of her cleavage. She’d chosen not to consummate things right there on the altar in the Temple, but by god she wasn’t leaving anyone any question that they absolutely would be the moment they got home.

Woman after my own heart, really. So proud.

Equally proud of Larry. I’d been worried that somehow this first ’real’ wedding ceremony I was performing might wind up with a marriage that didn’t work out. But given how much care, dignity, and above all thoroughness he completed the first chore his wife had assigned him?

I’m pretty sure they’re gonna be fine.